Brickwork
by DeBo81
Summary: Kate Beckett can't move on with her life until the wall around her heart crumbles. For some, it might be an insurmountable task, but for her, with Castle at her side, anything is possible. They just have to bring it down brick by brick.
1. Chapter 1

**"Brickwork" **

**Winner of the 2012 Castle Fan Awards in the fanfic category: Best Drama**

**Nominated in the 2012 Castle Fan Awards in the fanfic category: Best Long Story**

**XXXXXXXXXX  
><strong>

**Hi again! **

**Well, as you can see I've begun another story. It's the story of Kate's wall coming down, from her POV, and starts with the beginning of season 4 and will go off into my own story line. I hope that this will be a fun journey, not only for our beloved Beckett and Castle, but also for you!**

**So far I have the first couple chapters written, and I know where I want the story to go and where I want it to end, but I have no idea how many chapters it will take to get there. (And please don't be scared off by the length of this first chapter, I can promise not all of them will be so lengthy.) My goal is to post 1-2 chapters per week though, because like you, I don't like waiting to see what will happen next.**

**Anyway, as always, I appreciate your feedback, so please don't be shy. Getting a few kind words here or there always makes writing a little easier.**

**And thanks to my friend Teelduo, for all you do. Your encouragement never fails to brighten my day.**

**DISCLAIMER: For this chapter and all future ones of this fanfiction, I lay no claim to the ownership of the Castle characters, places, etc. I am only borrowing them, and will put them back just like I found them.**

"Brickwork"

by DeBo81

"We'll figure it out. That wall inside, won't be there forever." -Richard Castle

Chapter 1

"Well Kate, do you have any questions or anything else you want to talk about before I sign off on your psych evaluation?"

"No, I think I'm good. Can't wait to get back into the saddle."

"Just don't force it. Take your time. Its not uncommon for people to continue to struggle with anxiety, nightmares and fears for months, even years, after their trauma. It doesn't mean you're weak if you experience any of these things. It's always a continuing process."

"I know. And thank you Dr. Burke, for everything."

Kate rose from the leather chair that had become increasingly more comfortable with each of her appointments over the last four weeks, and reached out to shake the doctor's hand. Afterward, he quickly signed and dated several forms, folded them and stood as he handed them to her. A tingle of excitement, mixed with a chill of nerves, spread through her as she realized she was a step closer to returning to the force.

"It's entirely your decision, but I'd like to see you again in about nine months. Sometimes the anniversary of a trauma can be a trigger. I find that a lot of my patients benefit from the extra session. And in the mean time, you have my number, if you ever feel the need to talk, call me."

She nodded silently, acknowledging his offer, but still dismissing the thought as unnecessary. She was sure that for many people, it was an excellent idea, but not her. She didn't need to run to a therapist every time she had a bad day. As is, she felt like she'd already run out of things to talk about during the eight mandatory sessions she'd already sat through.

"I assure you, if I ever need to talk, you'll be the first person I call."

The doctor smiled knowingly. He didn't need to be a mind reader to know that she had no intentions of following through.

"I appreciate that. Best of luck, Detective."

She opened the door to leave, but paused just before exiting the small office. "Have a nice day, Doctor."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Kate shut the door to her apartment and carefully locked every bolt and latch, before slumping against it with a sigh. Despite the fact that this last session didn't really delve much into anything of importance, she felt emotionally exhausted.

She liked Dr. Burke. He was a good listener, very insightful and maintained an appropriate balance of professionalism and casualness that encouraged her to be open with him. Maybe that's why she always felt bad for not being completely truthful. It was too late now though, she was finished and cleared for duty. She was done.

Mentally picking herself up, Kate straightened her spine and walked to the center of her living room, taking a good look around as she went. A perilously stacked pile of unopened mail dared gravity on her table. Unzipped pieces of luggage with clothes falling out of them, dotted her floor. And a long forgotten Walgreens bag poked out from behind a cushion on her couch, likely still filled with an assortment of pain pills, sleep aids and anti-depressants that she had refused to take when her Dad filled her prescriptions for her almost three months earlier. Her place was a mess, but she didn't care. She was home. Tonight she wouldn't be crashing at her father's place or heading back out to the cabin. For the first time all summer, she was back for more than a few hours and it felt good.

Being careful not to pull any of her still sore muscles, Kate picked up the two duffel bags from the floor and took them to her room. On the way, one of the bags knocked a picture off a shelf, sending it crashing to the floor.

"Crap!" She hissed through her teeth before tossing the bags on the bed.

Bending over the mess on the floor, Kate picked up the largest shards of glass before flipping over the photo. A smile tugged at her lips. Even her exasperation over the broken frame couldn't compete with her best friend's megawatt smile. Esposito had taken the picture of her and Lanie the year before, right after they finished the New York City Half Marathon, side by side.

Guilt crept in as she stared at the picture. It had been close to a month since the last time they spoke. In fact, not since the night after her first appointment with Dr. Burke. When Lanie started asking too many questions, getting to close to her wounded heart, Kate exaggerated how tired she was and abruptly ended the conversation. Like a coward, she'd never called back... just like she never called Castle. At least with Lanie there had been a few random texts.

Once again, Kate pushed her feelings back into that dark place she didn't often examine. She'd deal with them later. Right now she has a mess to clean up.

That night while laying in bed, Kate couldn't turn off the thoughts that plagued her weary mind. How was she supposed to sit at home alone with her thoughts for another week? She needed a distraction. She needed to go back to work.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Detective Beckett took two hesitant steps forward then paused while the elevator doors closed silently behind her. She didn't feel the comfort of routine like she'd hoped, instead it was pain laced with fear that stole her breath and stung her eyes.

She clutched her fists, causing the gold chain wrapped around her hand to bite into skin. Her mother's ring spun freely, its facets catching the lights as it moved.

As usual, the cherished memento helped her find her strength. She moved her gaze to her desk, determined to focus on the day ahead. Before she could even take one step toward her goal, applause filled the bullpen. At first she turned to see who everyone was clapping for, but quickly became aware that the ovation was for her.

When an officer went down, it effected everyone in the police family. It was truly a respected brotherhood. To see Beckett return to the station was encouraging and life affirming for many of her friends and coworkers.

Kate smiled and waved, acknowledging the outpouring of support, but then made a bee line for her desk, where she was soon joined by her concerned looking team of Ryan and Esposito.

"Hey Beckett." Kevin greeted. "What are you doing here? I didn't think you were back til next week."

"Yeah well, two months listening to crickets in my Dad's cabin was driving me nuts." Kate replied while unzipping her bag.

Javier Esposito's eyes twinkled. "It's OK. You don't have to make excuses. We know you missed us. That's why you couldn't stay away."

Beckett held back both the smile and the eye roll that her instincts demanded.

"Shut up!"

The whole conversation was actually very sweet and undertoned with more subtext than a Nikki Heat book. The guy's teasing concern silently asked if she was OK and told how much they worried about her. Her sassy reply answered that she was going to be fine and appreciated everything. After all, the detective department of the Twelfth was hardly the place for a teary hug filled reunion; not that any of them would allow that of themselves anyway.

"So?" She asked. "Anything?"

The men's smiles melted from their faces and were replaced with looks of apology.

Ryan answered. "Still nowhere."

Kate's heart dropped into her stomach. _What?_ she screamed inside. _Don't tell me that! It's been three months! I was shot in front of a hundred cops. How can the case be cold!_

Autopilot kicked in and she began to question her friends. They told her what they knew, but it wasn't much.

Ryan looked terribly uncomfortable. "Didn't Castle tell you 'bout any of this?"

And there it was. She knew it was coming. She knew someone would bring him up sooner rather than later. His words of love flashed through her mind, like they did a dozen times a day since he'd said them. And like every other time, she tried to push them away. She couldn't deal with that right now on top of everything else. She certainly couldn't dwell on the belly full of butterflies the thought always awakened.

"No."

"That's weird." Esposito frowned. "Why wouldn't he...? Why would he hide that from you?"

She shrugged out of her jacket and kept her eyes down. The last thing she needed right now was Laurel and Hardy here seeing into her soul.

"He's not hiding anything. I just haven't seen him in a while."

Esposito was not giving up. "How long is a while?"

"Pretty much since the shooting." Beckett continued to try to settle in but the guys apparently decided to sharpen their interrogation skills on her instead.

"Why? What happened?"

She diverted to the lounge, but they followed, only steps behind. "Nothing happened. I just needed some time."

"What? He left you alone for three months?" Clearly the guys were growing upset with their absent friend.

"Guys, it's not his fault. I told him that I would call."

"Well why wouldn't you?"

She filled her coffee cup at the high end machine Castle had bought them and missed him even more. Right now she just wished everything was normal and that he'd saunter off the elevator with a couple steaming paper cups and a bag of bear claws.

"He was here with us everyday; working the case...," Javier informed her.

The revelation drew her complete attention.

"For months. He'd still be here if the new Captain hadn't kicked him to the curb."

_What! Who does she think she is? She didn't have the right to kick him out._ This was not OK. Castle is her partner.

"She kicked him out? Why?"

Ryan couldn't even look at her when he first answered. "Apparently, uh, HER precinct's got no room for a 'Dilettante writer playing cop'." Just then he look up to see the subject of their conversation, and nodded toward her. "Captain Victoria Gates, AKA "Iron Gates". And as by the book as they come. She cut her teeth as a detective in Internal Affairs."

"Wow, that's not going to win her any popularity points."

"Yeah. It's like she brought her distrust of cops along with her."

Esposito chimed in. "Well one thing's for sure. She's no Montgomery."

Ryan started acting nervous, and then reminded Esposito about some more info on her mother's case. Kate's attitude soared. Her shooting may be cold for the moment but any new leads for her mom's case almost negated that fact, until Javier dropped the bomb that Gates had the investigation shut down.

Kate wanted to scream. Of course they were trying to protect Montgomery and inadvertently her, but how could they let Gate's do that! Enough was enough. It was time she had a word or five with the new Captain!

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Beckett was on fire. She hadn't felt this drive since she determined to turn her three weeks of physical therapy into one. She grabbed the psych evaluation from her bag and charged toward Montgomery's, no, Gates' office. Gates was about to meet her match.

"Ma'am." Beckett said as she entered.

Gate's never flinched, never blinked, never even raised her head from what she was reading. "If my mother drops by, you can call her ma'am. Call me "Sir" or "Captain"."

"Detective Beckett. Back on active, as of today." She placed her paperwork on the captain's desk.

"Detective Beckett? Your reputation proceeds you. Youngest woman in the NYPD to make detective. Beat me by six weeks."

Kate couldn't believe what she was hearing. Was the Captain starting a pissing contest with her?

"I didn't realize people kept score."

"Everybody keeps score, Detective. Especially those downtown." Gates examined the Dr.'s release and confirmed her active duty, handing her badge back to her.

"...I'll also need my gun."

Gates wasn't going to be persuaded. She stared Kate down while spouting regulation, briefly making Beckett question if she was a decorated detective or a rookie to the force. _So that was the way of it, huh? _She knew it might not be wise , but decided to push back.

"And what about my case? What does Reg say about that?"

Kate could read people very well. It was one of the things that made her so good at her job. And what she read from Gates, was that she accepted the challenge without hesitation.

"Three months and no leads? And everyday more homicides coming through that door? How long did you expect me to let those folks tread water? There were good people on this case but there just isn't anything out there."

Beckett's anger rose with every word. It took all her restraint to hold back the onslaught she wanted to unleash, but this was her boss, so she tried to sensor herself.

"I'm sorry Sir, but with all do respect, those people aren't me."

"Excuse me?"

"The people you had working this case. They're not me." Kate was indignant. She knew with some time she could crack this case. Didn't this woman realize that there was someone out there who most likely had another bullet with her name on it? Didn't she realize what kind of hell it was to live each day with one eye open?

"Look, I don't know what kind of shop Montgomery was running here. But it will be a cold day in hell if I let a cop, ANY cop, investigate their own shooting. My precinct in no place for vendettas. Do we understand each other?"

_Bitch!_ She cursed in her mind before turning and leaving the Captain who was already back to her paperwork.

Esposito and Ryan who didn't even pretend they weren't watching the whole thing transpire, shamelessly put their two cents in on the matter without being asked. If Gates wanted to close the case, fine, let her think that. But there was nothing that was going to keep Kate from continuing to investigate.

When Beckett asked the boys about the location of the files that were part of the only lead they had currently, she was more than a little surprised to find that Castle had them, in order to keep Gates from seeing them. Obviously the new Captain had instilled a fear in her team. It was just one more thing to get in the way.

When a call came in for a new case, Ryan and Esposito headed out, but Kate hung back. She needed to organize herself and clear her thoughts. She didn't even have her weapon yet, so no one really blinked at her decision to stay, which was a relief. Because if anyone sensed her apprehension was from the shock of nerves that struck her, she didn't know what she would do. _Maybe I came back too soon._

XXXXXXXXXXXX

After more than two hours at her desk, Kate was no less agitated than before. She was upset that they were no closer to nabbing the sniper who shot her, than the moment the bullet hit her. She was frustrated by feeling that her own physical and emotional limitations were holding her back. She missed Rick. She was beyond annoyed with the woman who was now her boss, and she was furious that she'd have to requalify to get her piece back.

_Well that's one thing I can nip in the bud right now._ Kate stood abruptly from her chair and stretched, causing her breath to hitch. If her shoulder and side were this sore just from sitting stiffly at her desk, they'd really be screaming after an afternoon at the range.

After leaving a note on Javier's desk, telling the guys she'd be back in on Monday, she headed for the elevator and never looked back.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

BANG

The sound of the shot echoed off the cold brick walls of the firing range. Painful, tingling vibrations skittered up and down the length of her arm. A cold sweat broke out over Kate's entire body. The silhouette on the target was unscathed.

She never heard the shot that hit her, but the shot from the weapon she held in her hand brought the day of her shooting fresh to her mind.

Everything replayed itself in slow motion, over and over again.

She tried to clear her mind, to focus on her target. She gripped the gun again and aimed.

BANG

The bullet tore through the paper just to the right of the target's shoulder. Shooting like this would get someone killed and it wouldn't be the perp.

Again she raised the weapon and aimed. Her hands shook and a sheen of tears blurred her vision, but again she pulled the trigger.

BANG

Over and over, she fired until she was empty. Not one shot was close to the bullseye.

She slammed the gun down on the counter with a growl, pulled her headphones off and stepped back. Thankfully she was the only one there at the time so no one saw her fit.

After pacing a little while, she stopped and wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This is stupid. I can do this!" Kate said aloud to no one.

She wadded up the target she just used and loaded a fresh one onto the frame. When it was back in place, she replaced the headphones, wiped her clammy hands on her pants and picked up the gun to reload it. It was heavy, unfamiliar. She felt no assurance with it in her hand.

She fussed with her grip on the weapon until she found a comfortable spot. Doing so, reminded her of the first time she'd brought Castle here to teach him to shoot and how he'd played dumb so that she'd press herself close to him. They'd been here several times since then, but that time was still a favorite. She wouldn't allow herself the frivolity of pondering why it was so special though.

Thinking of Castle only served to bring her back full circle to the shooting. He'd proven time and time again that he would stand by her, but that day he almost took a bullet for her. _He could have been killed!_ Her entire body tensed involuntarily, including the finger on the trigger.

BANG

Bullseye!

She only took a half second to let her success register. Her confidence soared but she was in no mood to celebrate.

_I could have been killed!_

BANG

Bullseye!

_Montgomery was killed!_

BANG

Bullseye!

_Gates doesn't give a shit!_

BANG

Bullseye!

_I need to bring my Mom's murderer to justice!_

Again she went into automatic mode, firing time after time, each bullet creating a larger hole in the center of the paper.

She let her emotions take her over, fueling the fire that had been simmering just under the surface. When her clip was empty, she changed it and the target and kept on shooting. It was good therapy. After emptying her fifth cartridge, and being cleared by an instructor, her shoulder was too numb to continue. She had what she needed. It was time to go home.

When she left the range, she was invigorated. She decided to forgo her usual cab ride and walk the eleven blocks home.

About half way through her journey, she decided to make a short side trip. Her favorite bakery that sold iced caramel mocha cappuccinos was just a block out of the way, and she was in the mood for a decadent treat.

As she approached the small shop, she saw someone out of the corner of her eye. _Rick!_

But when she turned toward him, she found it wasn't him after all. It was the life size photo cut out of him that she'd seen in bookstores before.

Without thinking, she forgot about the bakery and wandered into the bookstore instead.

As ruggedly handsome as the man in the photo was, Kate realized the picture she stood next to, really didn't do him justice. It didn't do anything to capture his unending kindness or his witty charm, which were what really made him so attractive.

Next to the cardboard figure was a large table covered in bright yellow jacketed books. Heat Rises. She reached out and picked one up, excited to finally see it in print. _When had that changed?_

She flipped open to the dedication, a smile hovering tentatively on the corner of her lips. In the first two books, he'd singled her out. Had he done it again?

The smile instantly disappeared, but not because it wasn't made out to her. No, this dedication was maybe the best yet; a fitting farewell to their beloved Captain Montgomery.

Kate blinked back a tear. She would not cry again. Not here. Not now. She needed to move on.

A women wearing a navy polo shirt and an employee lanyard with the name Shannon on it, approached her. "Richard Castle fan?"

She bit her lip before answering. _Oh my gosh am I blushing?_

She blinked, once, then twice. "You could say that. I think I have all his books so far." Kate tried to sound casual and was immensely grateful that Rick would never know about this encounter.

"Well then you'll love this one. In my opinion, it's his best yet!"

"Really?"

"Definitely! I wasn't much into him before his Nikki Heat series, but now I'm hooked. I cannot wait until tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

Shannon pointed to a large sign near the entrance that somehow she'd missed. "He'll be here tomorrow from 1-3 signing his new book. I was so excited when I found out, that I traded days with my friend Matt, so that I could be here."

Kate ducked her face to hide her amusement.

"Thanks for letting me know. Maybe I'll stop by."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

She was nervous. It has been three months and this was how she was going to walk back into his life. _Am I making a mistake?_

Kate stood silently behind a pair of young women who were nervously giggling about meeting their favorite author. She thought back over the years to the first time she stood in line for Castle's signature. Had she been this smitten? This... adoring? She hoped not.

Just then, the more voluptuous of the preceding pair, joked about the fact that she could think of a few places she'd rather him sign instead of the book in her hand.

_No, I definitely wasn't that bad._ She assured herself.

She'd been in line now for more than an hour. Every couple minutes brought her a few feet closer to him. What would he say? What would he do? Would he happy to see her? Would he give her the cold shoulder?

The line moved up again. Only five more fans were in front of her. She tried to stay out of sight so that she could watch him but that he wouldn't see her. She watched as he smiled and chatted with each person, but noticed his smile never reached his eyes. He looked tired, disenchanted, like he'd lost his spark. All of a sudden she wanted to run to him. Hug him. Tell him she missed him. But her feet stayed firmly planted.

The queue moved again. There was an older couple and then the pair of giggling fangirls in front of her. For a brief second she thought about leaving, but knew she would certainly regret it.

She looked down at the book she held. She'd read the entire thing the night before. She couldn't put it down. Shannon had been right, it was his best work yet. But there was so much more than the story on the pages. It was the story behind the story that really moved her.

Lost in her own thoughts, Kate didn't even notice that the girls in front of her were already at the table until they were walking away.

Quietly she stepped up and laid her copy of Heat Rises on the table.

He never looked up. "And who should I make it out to?"

She swallowed hard. "Kate."

He looked up immediately. The surprise making his blue eyes grow wide.

"You can make it out to Kate."

A long moment passed without him speaking. She started to question the intelligence of coming. Her own feelings and anxiety clouded out her ability to read his reaction.

"Kate." Her name on his lips was like a breath of fresh air. "How are you?"

"Better. You?"

He dropped his attention to the book under his hovering pen before finally beginning to write. "I'm fine. Thanks for coming out today."

Kate was confused. He sounded so detached, just like he did when he spoke to every other fan. _But why? _

He handed her the book with a practiced smile plastered to his face. It didn't hide the hurt shining in his eyes. "It's good to see you again. We'll have to get together soon."

And with that she was dismissed. Numbly she stepped aside so the next person could approach him, but she didn't leave. She just stood there staring at him in disbelief.

After several fans came and went without him ever looking her way, she finally turned toward the exit and collided with Shannon who was carrying a stack of Castle books toward the display. In that instant she had a plan.

"Excuse me. I didn't see you there." Kate said, as she bent to pick up the fallen novels.

"No. No! You're fine. Don't worry about it."

When Kate handed the books back, Shannon recognized her. "Oh you made it after all! I'm so glad!"

"Me too, thanks for letting me know about it."

"My pleasure!"

"Um, I was wondering, since you're such a fan, if you could help me with something."

"Sure, let me just put these down."

Shannon returned after only a few seconds. "What can I do for you?"

Kate rocked from foot to foot and then leaned in close to the young blonde. "My name is Kate Beckett, and I'm actually good friends with Rick..."

Already the young woman's eyes were growing wide. "You're Nikki Heat?" She squealed quietly.

"Shhhhhh. Yes." Kate pulled out her wallet and showed her ID, proving her claim.

"I knew you looked familiar. You were in all the papers this spring after that shooting. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine. Thanks." The recognition made her uncomfortable, but when she used her "celebrity" like this, she should have expected it. "What I was wondering was, see, I want to surprise Rick after the signing, you know take him out to celebrate the new book." Kate held up the item she held as if to back her story. "And I was wondering when and where I should wait, so I that I could surprise him right after the signing."

"Oh that's easy. The event is over at three and we've already cut off the end of the line, so he should be outa here by 3:30 tops."

She looked at her watch. That was a little more than forty five more minutes.

"And he'll leave out the front door I'm sure. So if you just hang around out front. You won't miss him."

"Thank you Shannon. I really appreciate it."

"Anytime!"

The two began to part ways but then a hand lightly touched her elbow. "Um Detective Beckett. I was wondering..."

Kate turned to face the other woman. "Yes?"

Shannon thrust a copy of Rick's book toward her. Would you mind signing this for me?"

_She wants my autograph?_ It felt weird. The request made her feel both honored and awkward. "OK, I guess."

A pen magically appeared in front of her and before it really sunk in, Kate had signed the inside cover "To Shannon, thank you for you help. -Kate "Nikki Heat" Beckett".

"Thank you so much!" Shannon giggled nervously before bounding away.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Beckett leaned against the building. She had better get comfortable, she'd likely be there a while. The first twenty minutes of waiting, she spent people watching, but when she bored of that, she remembered that she'd never looked at what Castle had written in her book.

Unlike the other copies she'd seen him sign, he'd inscribed her copy on the inside cover. "To my dear friend Kate. I've missed you. -Rick"

_I've missed you too._ She felt horrible about never calling him back, but things were just so complicated. She was afraid of what that call would lead to.

By the time he finally came out, Kate had mentally spun in circles wondering if she'd done the right thing.

She saw him but didn't move, waiting to see if he'd approach her. When he started to pass, she followed him and then finally spoke.

"Castle, wait."

"I did. For three months. You never called."

There was that guilt again.

"I know you're angry..."

"Oh, you're damn right I'm angry." He turned to face her.

She'd imagined what this confrontation might be like, but now that it was happening, she found herself sorely unprepared. He didn't yell or fight dirty. No, he was just brutally honest.

"I watched you die in that ambulance. Did you know that? Do you know what that's like? Watching the life drain out of someone you...," he hesitated, but her mind shouted _LOVE_ in his silence.

"...Someone you care about."

Briefly she thought about loosing her mom and Royce, but she didn't see them die. She thought about her anger in watching Coonan die and the heartbreak of holding Montgomery's lifeless face, but she knew that none of those were in the same boat as what he was telling her. She couldn't imagine what it would be like to watch Castle die in front of her. Even thinking about it caused a deep pain in the pit of her stomach. As usual she couldn't deal with it, so she pushed it aside.

"I told you I needed some time."

"You said a few days."

"Well I needed more," she defended.

"Well you should have said that." He turned away again to leave. To leave her.

She followed again.

"Castle, look, I couldn't call you..."

His expression clearly said he didn't buy it.

"...K, not without dragging myself into everything that I was just trying to get some space from."_ Like you telling me you love me._ "I needed some time to just work through everything."

"Josh help you with that?"

_Already Rick? You have to bring him into this?_

"We broke up."

There, that was one thing out in the open. But where would that take them? Suddenly she was the one that needed to walk away, but was relieved to hear him following. She headed for the swings in the park across the street. It had always been her favorite spot on the playground. Under different circumstances she'd be tempted to set herself soaring through the sky. When she sat down, he sat next to her and then waited.

_What do I say? I'm sorry I hid, confessing your love scares me more than a bullet. Right! I don't think so._

She toyed with the book on her lap, looking for anything to break the iceberg forming between them.

"I like the dedication."

"Seemed right," he answered aloofly.

"Must have been hard writing that ending."

"Yeah. Yeah, given the circumstances."

_Please don't ask is I read the acknowledgments, Rick. Not now._

"So why'd you guys break up?"

_Because he was twice as jealous as you are. Because he wasn't there when I needed him. Because he doesn't understand me. Because when I closed my eyes and kissed him, it was you I thought about._

"I really really liked him... but that wasn't enough." _He wasn't you. You're the one who makes the songs make sense, _she added silently.

A long moment passed. Rick stared out toward the street, thinking, waiting. Kate watched him carefully, hoping beyond hope that he'd hear what she was saying, even if it wasn't all out loud, and yet hoping that he wouldn't ask for more.

When he didn't say anything she took a breath and continued.

"When my mother was killed, something inside me changed. It's like I built up this wall inside. I don't know, I guess I just didn't want to hurt like that again."

Kate stared at Castle, hoping that he'd actually turn and look at her.

"I know that I'm not going to be able to be the kind of person that I want to be. I know I'm not gonna..."

_I know I'm not going to be able to completely love you until that wall is gone!_ The words she wanted to say, screamed in her head but stuck in her throat, causing her to falter.

Rick finally met her gaze while he waited for her to finish.

"...I'm not going to be able to have the kind of relationships I want, until that wall comes down. And it's not going to happen til I put this thing to rest."_ Will you wait for me? Can you help me destroy this wall before it destroys me?_

He dropped his eyes and thought briefly before speaking, "Well then I suppose we're just gonna have to find these guys and take them down. Doesn't mean I'm not still mad."

She wanted to shout with joy, or do a dance or hell, just lay one on him. She hadn't lost him! Aware of her wavering control, she steered the conversation toward her mom's case before she said something stupid like "I love you too."

Before long, the tension had passed and they were back to their old banter and theory. It was just like before... but more.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

When Monday rolled around it was almost business as usual.

Beckett gripped the wheel of her Crown Vic as she and Castle drove ahead of the boys to apprehend a suspect in the murder they were working.

Overall it had been a morning of small victories. Despite having to go over Gate's head, Castle was back, she had her weapon back, and they had more information on the fire chief who may have been used in a plot to destroy evidence in her mom's case. Bringing a murderer to justice would just be icing on the cake.

She knew all three guys were concerned for her. Maybe they even worried that she wasn't ready to be back in full swing, but she felt good. Her adrenaline pumped as they headed into the building, charging her like a drug.

When the team kicked in the door, guns drawn, their suspect ran. She didn't hesitate or think, she just followed, hot on his heels.

Beckett was closing in fast and was ready to make the arrest when he turned, gun in hand, pointed directly at her.

All of a sudden she was frozen, alone, and afraid. Her life tried to flash before her eyes, but she fought for control over both herself and the situation. Her breath came in ragged gasps. Her hands trembled. The barrel of the weapon pointed at her completely held her attention and there was nothing she could do to break that.

She was so paralyzed by her fear that Ryan and Esposito had the guy on the floor and cuffed before she even realized they were in the room with her. She couldn't stop shaking. She wanted to be sick.

They boys ushered their suspect from the room as Castle came to her. She didn't know how much he'd seen and he didn't say. In fact he didn't say a single word. Instead, he wrapped a strong arm around her shoulders and squeezed her briefly against his side.

After a moment he walked slowly away, letting her regain her composure. It was yet another example of how well he knew her, how they communicated so well that words weren't even necessary. Even on the ride back to the station he didn't bring the incident up. Not a word until they were alone in the observation room while the guys handled the interrogation.

He was concerned for her and questioned her, but he didn't offer platitudes or try to talk her into hanging back any longer. It was a relief, because she didn't want to have to defend herself to him, to the one person who really truly knew her. But she was afraid that if she hung around, she would end up having to explain, so she decide it was time to move on, to change gears. It was time to pay Fire Chief Halstead a visit.

XXXXXXXXXXX

By the time Kate threw away the Chinese take out containers from their dinner, she had realized that her panic attack was the turning point in her day. After that moment, almost nothing had gone right. Their encounter with Halstead had gotten them nowhere, and had quite possibly set them back. Then on the way back to the station, they got a flat tire. Thankfully, Castle was there because after only a couple minutes of proving to him that she could change it by herself, her body reminded her that she was still recovering. And even now that they we're back at her place, things hadn't much improved. After spending hours pouring over every file and scrap of paper even remotely connected to Halstead, they hadn't gotten even one step closer to tying him to the case. She knew he was involved though. She could feel it in her gut.

Kate paced the floor while Castle reviewed the paper work for probably the fourth time. She knew he wasn't convinced that he was involved, but kept looking for her.

"This guy's got multiple citations for valor, commendations from the Mayor. He's literally saved dozens of people from burning buildings. It's hard to believe this guy's dirty."

_Are you defending him now?_

"Yeah well we've been surprised before" Kate retorted defensively.

"OK. Um... Does he intersect with anyone else in the case? Montgomery? Raglan? MacAlister?"

She was shaking her head before he even finished his question. "No. There's nothing in the files."

Kate kept mentally reviewing all she'd read. "He might have known them socially," she suggested.

Castle was quick to respond. "We've been over their lives with a fine tuned comb. He's never come up once."

"OK, so maybe he was a target of opportunity. He might have needed the money."

"Nothing in his financial records indicate any problems. And given his record, he's..."

Kate was starting to bristle. "Given his record, what?

"I'm just saying, what if he's not our guy? What if the fire was an accident?"

"It wasn't an accident. I know it wasn't an accident."

"You can't know that."

A lump started to form in Kate's throat. An knot tightened in her belly. "I can. Because if this was an accident, then I've got no where to start. If this was an accident then I've got nothing."

Tears pricked at her eyes.

_Don't do this Kate,_ she told herself. _Don't cry in front of him_.

"The guy who shot me is gone. Dick Coonan, gone! Hal Lockwood gone! Montgomery, gone! My mom... everybody is GONE, Castle!"

Kate's eyes became glassy and her lips trembled, but she never looked away from Rick. He sat stone still, looking unsure of what to do. But in her head, she heard him tell her he wasn't gone. In her heart she felt the hug she knew he was afraid to give her.

Would he be next? _No! I have to crack this before it takes him away from me too._

She took a deep breath to steady herself before she said or did something she would regret.

Time passed silently, but neither knew for how long. Eventually Rick stood and walked to her. He tentatively placed his hands on her upper arms. "We'll figure this out, Kate. Even if the fire was an accident, even if Halstead isn't involved, we'll figure it out. I promise you. I will leave no stone unturned. The person, the people, responsible for all this will be brought to justice."

"You can't promise this Rick. This isn't one of your books."

"Too late. I already did."

Kate started to roll her eyes but stopped and closed her eyes instead. He didn't deserve her scorn. He was only trying to help.

"Thank you. This isn't even your battle and you've already done so much."

"The hell it isn't."

Kate opened her hazel eyes and looked up into his blue ones. She desperately wanted to lean into him and let go of all she was holding on so tightly to. But she wouldn't allow it. She couldn't add another complication to her life right now. So instead of stepping closer, she took a step back.

"Well, whether it was an accident or not, we don't have the evidence tonight."

He nodded and dropped his arms. "No and it's getting late. I should go."

Her head nodded in agreement, but her heart screamed for him to stay. She really didn't want to be alone.

When he reached the door he turned back one last time. "Try not to worry yourself sick over this, and get some rest."

Kate smiled. "I will. See you tomorrow."

"Goodnight."

And with that Castle was gone. She bolted and locked the door behind him and then turned back to her table covered in files.

Castle was right. She needed to rest. So, in an act of amazing strength, Kate quickly put everything away and then went to bed.

XXXXXXXXXXX

The next day as they drove back to the warehouse where they'd been the day before, the same one that she'd had her panic attack at, Kate's mind raced from topic to manic topic.

She was excited about most likely closing the case they were all working on, but scared that she'd have to face her demons again. The upside though to facing those demons was the chance for redemption.

Speaking of demons, she was exhausted. She'd been at the station before five that morning so she could continue reviewing the Halstead information, only to have Castle come in and try to talk her into dropping the whole thing. As tempting as that was, she just didn't know if she could.

The moment she parked the car, her adrenaline began to pump. She was excited. She was scared. She was ready.

Kate followed Ryan and Epsosito into the building with Castle right behind her. At first it looked like no one was there, but she'd have to look carefully. There were plenty of places for a frightened fugitive to hide.

Before she could even begin the search, their suspect, Mitch Yancey jumped out with a gun pointed at her chest. It was yesterday all over again. The barrel of Mitch's weapon stared her down.

"... Just let me walk out of her OK. That's all I want," the grungy rocker pleaded.

Her hands began to tremble, but she fought for control. "Don't... Don't... DON'T MOVE MITCH!"

She closed her eyes as she yelled. It was a mistake that could have easily cost both her's and Castle's life, but Mitch was too nervous and skittish to act.

"I'll shoot you I swear!" Mitch growled.

She held her aim and tried to slow her pounding heart. It wasn't working. The panic was escalating. But then he heard Rick's calm, steady voice just behind her, encouraging her.

"Take it easy Kate."

"Kate" he'd called her Kate ever since the shooting. Not one Beckett. It was an odd time to realize that but it helped her relax and regain an extra ounce of control.

Mitch broke through her thoughts. "I just need you to let me go."

Castle, Rick, continued to back her up. "Take it easy. You've got this."

A little more fear dropped away. She wasn't alone. He was with her. He was always with her, wherever it was that she made her stand.

"You've got this."

Kate's strength grew, and thus Mitch began to waver. "Put it down and stay back."

She stepped closer.

"Stay back!" He hissed again.

"You don't want to do this Mitch," Kate said. Even she was surprised by how in control she sounded, since her insides were close to becoming jello. She stepped closer to him as she spoke, "Because I will have to put you down. Do you understand?"

Now it was his hands that trembled, hers were now steady like rock. She would end this. Not him.

"Put that gun down now." Beckett commanded.

He was shaking and sweating. He was the one breaking, not her. Finally he dropped the gun.

_Yes! I did it!_ She screamed inside. She took a deep breath, and cleared her head. "Turn around. Hands behind your head."

He complied, so she whipped out her cuffs. "Mitch Yancey, you are under arrest."

When the handcuffs were secure, she finally looked back. Esposito, Ryan and Castle were all watching her. The two detectives still had their guns pointed at Mitch.

"What?" she asked the three men.

Javier returned his gun to it's holster and smiled widely at his co-worker and friend. "Welcome back!"

Beckett nodded. She really was back, and their job wasn't over yet. She returned her attention to the defeated musician next to her and read him his rights.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Back at the station, after booking Yancey and completing the paperwork and debriefing, Kate started to gather her things to go home.

Castle approached her. "So how does it feel?"

"It's not enough," Kate answered. "But it's enough for now."

He smiled at her, which sent an unsolicited tingle through her body, making her grin. "Thank you, for having my back in there."

He played it off with a shrug. "That's what partners are for."

_Partners, right. Let just keep calling it that._

She headed toward the elevator, sure that he'd fall into step along side her, but instead he stayed put and just kept talking.

"Oh, and hey, we'll figure it out. That wall inside, won't be there forever."

Kate smiled and nodded slightly. She knew she should say something but her mind was blank. Before the silence became awkward she just turned and walked away.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate sat upright in her bed. Tears poured down her cheeks and her breath coming in ragged gasps. Her room was mostly dark except for the green glow of her alarm clock that proudly announced that it was 5:17 am.

It was the second time that night Kate had woke up from a nightmare.

This dream much worse than the one before.

She had been chasing a man that she couldn't see, a shadow with a gun. They ran and ran continuously around the outside of a warehouse that had no doors. She could hear voices screaming from the inside, begging her to help them, but she couldn't find a way in.

Only the shadow knew how to reach them and as hard as she ran, he stayed just out of reach. Then they turned a corner and the shadow was completely gone. She stood listening for him, watching for him, but still she saw nothing.

Then in the distance she saw the spark caused by the strike of a match. She raced ahead and found the shadowy man. He was dressed all in black, and the hood of his jacket hid his face.

"You just couldn't leave things alone, could you?" He said in a warbled voice.

In one hand he held the match that was burning brightly but not burning up, and in the other hand he held a gun which he pointed at her chest.

She raised her weapon in response but her hands were shaking so hard she couldn't even release the safety.

The shadow laughed menacingly and then began to grow.

She finally had her gun ready but he continued to chuckle as he got bigger. She tried to tell him to stop but her voice was stuck in her throat, suffocating her.

She pulled the trigger, but the bullet buzzed past his head leaving him untouched.

"Too bad, Detective", he said. "I win."

With that he threw the match against the wall of the structure. Flames raced upward toward the enormous roof.

She fired her weapon over and over until she was out of bullets and then out of frustration threw her gun right at his head. The gun should have made contact, but as it whizzed through the hood, the jacket and clothes floated, empty, to the floor.

She'd lost him again.

The voices she'd heard before suddenly grew loud in her ears. There were people inside the inferno. Her mother's voice called to her. "Kate!" Then other voices yelled her name. Montgomery, her dad, Lanie, Ryan, Esposito and Rick.

She clawed at the brick wall separating her from her friends and family until her hands were bloody. Then one by one the voices faded away, leaving her alone and choking on smoke. She wept wildly.

That was when she awoke, terrified and distraught.

Kate looked around the room.

"It was only a dream." she repeated aloud, until she was finally able to stop her tears.

The alarm suddenly buzzed, startling her almost completely off the bed. Six am. Time to start a new day.

She should head to the bathroom and begin getting ready for work, but instead, she grabbed the phone off her nightstand and made several calls. Despite the early hour, she was able to get a hold of the people she needed to contact.

With that done, she finally headed to the shower. She needed to get dressed. She had a 7am appointment that she couldn't miss.


	2. Chapter 2

**Side note: Within the story, italicized text is thought. Centered text is written, like a note or journal entry. And bold text (for future reference) is phone texting. Just wanted to clarify that in case you weren't familiar with how I roll! ;)**

Chapter 2

When Kate arrived at Dr. Burke's office, the receptionist hadn't even taken her jacket off yet.

The door leading back to the office was open, and the woman waved her back while taking a sip from her large travel mug.

Kate walked back to the familiar room, kicked off her shoes, then curled up in the overstuffed leather chair that she always sat in. Dr. Burke followed behind her, shut the door and took the seat just across from her.

"I'm glad you called me this morning Kate," he offered.

She couldn't look him in the eye. "You're probably surprised to see me back here. Bet most cops never come back after they pass their psych eval."

"Everyone's different."

She nodded, unconsoled. Tears glazed over her eyes, waiting to be shed.

"What's on your mind?"

Images of everything from the day she met Raglan all those years ago, up to her dream this morning flashed through her mind. "I don't even know where to start." She still couldn't look at him.

"Well why don't we start with the shooting? Is any of it coming back to you?"

The question struck her as being so absurd right then, that Kate almost laughed bitterly. She took a quick breath and finally met her doctor's gaze. "I lied... before."

"Well what do you remember?"

She didn't even have to close her eyes to see that day in May with the perfect blue sky. She could see Montgomery's family, her dad, co-workers and friends. She could hear Castle call her name and remember the feel of the bullet hitting her before she fell back onto the hard earth. She could picture Rick hovering over her, crying, telling her not to leave him; telling her that he loved her, and then everything going black.

Kate took another steadying breath. "I remember everything."

"Everything?" Dr. Burke questioned.

Kate bit her lips and nodded. The tears were back and this time they'd win. It only took one to roll over the curve of her cheek before more followed.

He handed her a box of Kleenex, and waited patiently for her to find some composure.

When her sobs quieted he continued. "Can you be more specific?"

Again, the scenes flashed through her mind, each time clearer than the time before.

"I remember standing at the podium. Castle was not far from me. He was supposed to speak next. Then while I was talking, he yelled my name and I saw him move, but that's when the bullet hit. For a split second it didn't hurt. I don't know if it was shock or what, but it just took my breath away. Just as the fire began to spread through me, Rick tackled me to the ground. I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. I was completely paralyzed but I could still see and hear and feel."

Kate sniffed and wiped at the new tears, brushing them aside before they could fall.

"I remember thinking that it was odd that the weight of where his body pressed against mine, dulled the pain from the shot. I remember hearing everyone yelling and people running around. I remember hoping that if I died, my dad would be strong enough not to go back to the bottle. I remember the feel of Rick's tears dripping onto my neck. I remember him telling me not to die, to stay with him, and... and that he loved me. And I remember thinking how sorry I was, just before blacking out."

When Kate finished her answer, she bit her trembling lip while she waited for Burke to respond. When he didn't, she asked, "Aren't you supposed to ask how that makes me feel?"

"No. I think you're figuring that out already. What I do want to know is, why did you find it so important to hide these memories?"

That was not what Kate expected. She shifted in her seat while she thought. _Because the whole thing scares the shit out of me! Because I almost died! Because I'm not ready to love and be loved yet!_

"I think because they make me feel helpless and exposed. I'm a private person. I don't open myself up."

"Why not? Sometimes that could be very freeing."

"It can also get you hurt!"

"Getting hurt can and will happened many times in your life whether you admit it or not. But facing those hurts can help you heal."

"Well what am I supposed to do, just tell everyone about every little pain and fear? They'll think of me as weak!"

"I doubt that. I think those people who know you and love you enough that you'd be open with, will know your inner strength even when you yourself don't see it."

Kate rolled her eyes.

"Maybe opening up to others is still too hard at his point. Right now, I think what's most important is that you be honest with yourself. Do you keep a journal?"

"No."

"I'd like to suggest that you start. Try writing in it everyday at first just so that you get into the habit. Eventually you may find yourself wanting to do it."

"What do you want me to write about?"

"It's not what I want you to write, it's what you want to write. This is for you, no one else. If something is on your mind, whether happy or sad or otherwise, write it down. You can explore your hopes and fears. You can mention something that happened during the day, or bring up something from the past, or a hope for the future. You can put in whatever you want. It doesn't even have to be long. Sometimes a sentence or two will be it. But keep doing it, and every once in a while, go back and read what you've written. If you're being completely honest with yourself on those pages, I think you're going to see you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Even during the low times."

Kate played with the cuticle of one of her nails. "I'll think about it."

"I'm glad. Now do you want to tell me about what made you decide you needed to come back to me today?"

She curled herself into a tighter ball and hugged her knees to her chest, but slowly began talking about her first few days back at work.

The doctor listened carefully and never interrupted as she poured her heart out.

Only when she finished recalling the dream did he speak.

Dr. Burke assured her that these were all normal signs of PTSD and suggested some exercises that might help when she felt the attacks coming on. He also offered to write her a prescription but she refused.

When the hour was over, and they stood, Dr Burke took a leather bound book from his shelf and handed it to her. It was a blank journal. "Here. Take this, and let it get you started. Remember you don't have to show this to anyone, not even me. So don't be afraid to strip down the barriers you've put up. It's an easy way to really clear your mind."

"Thank you. I will try this. I promise."

"Glad to hear that." He opened the door and held it for her. "If you feel like you might want to talk again, see Layla to make an appointment, or if something comes up, like this morning, just call."

Kate nodded and left, but not before making another appointment.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate stepped off the elevator, and onto her floor without paying much attention. She was consumed with thoughts of what to put in her new journal instead. So when she arrived at her door, she almost stepped on the small brown paper package waiting at her door.

She bent to pick it up and was surprised by it's weight. _What's in this thing? A brick?_

Fumbling with the package and the journal and her purse, she eventually got her key into the door. After such an emotional morning, she was glad to be home.

Once her door was completely locked again, Kate dumped everything but the package on her couch and sat down.

The writing on the paper was clearly Rick's. She smiled. _What has that man done now?_

Carefully, she opened the paper, only to find a white box inside. She tossed the paper to the floor and then lifted the lid.

Inside the box, in a bed of yellow tissue paper was a brick.

She was confused. _Really? A brick?_

She took the brick out of the wrapping and turned it over. A card was taped to the bottom. It simply said, "One brick at a time." Kate completely understood that he was referencing the removal of her wall.

Tears welled up for what felt like the hundredth time that day. Castle had always been a very kind and generous man. He'd given her gifts and tokens in the past, but none as endearing as this lump of hardened clay.

Kate knew immediately that this would be her first journal entry and scooped up the book.

Twenty minutes later Kate read the words she's scratched across the page.

September 14, 2011

I have a wall. I admit it. I built it around my heart, when Mom was killed, to keep pain out. But the funny thing about walls is that they're just as good at keeping the pain in.

This wall that I once saw as a fortress, I'm starting to see as a jail. I need to grow, to expand, and with this immobile barrier surrounding me, I can't. So it's time to tear the wall down.

I don't know how, but over the years, the wall has gotten taller, thicker. Bringing it down may no longer be something I can do on my own. I'm scared that if I try this all on my own it will fall in on me and crush me. It's almost happened before.

But I think this time it will work, because I have help. Friends. Family. A therapist I respect. But mainly because now I have someone who's great at charging in and shattering conformity. He's already forced his way in to my life and become my dear friend. Now he wants... no, WE want more.

For three years he's tried to tear down the wall from the outside in, but without any help from me. He's made progress, but not enough to break through. Now he's doing something new. He's scaled the wall and is throwing the bricks off from the top. I don't think he's realized yet how much of an impact he's already made, but little does he know, the light is already making it's way in. It makes me want to climb up there with him and really give it hell.

For a brief instant, Kate had the urge to rip the page out and toss it in the trash. _What if someone saw this? What if he saw it?_

Fortunately she came to her senses and closed the book unharmed.

Kate scooped up both the journal and the brick and took them to her room. She stood the journal next to the wall, on top of her dresser, and then used the brick as a book end to keep it there. A smile raised the corner of her lips. It felt good. She made a mental note that she needed to do it more often.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate made it to work an hour earlier than she'd planned since she'd figured she'd need then entire morning for her appointment.

Castle had come and gone, leaving a note for her to call him if anything interesting came in. Ryan and Esposito were out working a case, but when she called to see if they needed help, they assured her they had it under control. It was most likely a drug deal gone wrong and was practically by the book.

Not having her usual backlog of paperwork to catch up on, Beckett was more than a little stymied on what to do. The file folder of stuff on Halstead called to her from her bag, but she resisted. Instead she took the few hours of quiet time to update her insurance and emergency contact information.

When the guys strolled in a couple hours later, they brought gyros and fries with them. Together the three ate their lunch while watching the footage from the three local stores nearest the morning's murder.

_The boys weren't kidding. This case really was by the book_.

Before the last fries were eaten, the detectives had identified the gunman as Rocko Ortega, a known drug dealer who was currently out on parole.

Rocko was brought in and charged before the day's end, neatly wrapping up the case, and allowing the homicide detectives a fairly early departure.

Once home, Kate thought about calling Rick and thanking him for the brick. She reached for the phone and dialed, but by the second ring she was kicking herself for chickening out.

"Girl, I was beginning to think you lost my number." Lanie's voice chastised through the phone.

Kate rolled her eyes. "Hello to you too."

"Hi. So you're not ignoring me anymore?"

"No, and I wasn't ignoring you. I just needed time. You know how it is."

"Do I?"

"Lanie, you know it's nothing personal. I wasn't talking to anyone. I'm sorry."

"I know. And because of that I'll forgive you, but you owe me."

"Really? And what do I owe?"

"One, no, two rounds of drinks next time we go out... which by the way should be soon. I've missed you girl."

"I've missed you too."

"Just not enough to call a sista."

"I said I'm sorry!"

"I know. I know. So... catch me up on the last month of your life."

"What was the last thing I told you?" Kate took the phone into her room and flopped down on her bed. If experience had taught her anything, she knew this was going to be a lengthy conversation.

"Lets see. The last time we talked, it was your first night back in the city after a couple weeks at the cabin. You were staying with your dad and had just had your first visit to the therapist, and were going to see the physical therapist the next day."

"Right. Was that before or after Josh picked up his stuff?"

"Before. I never heard about that. Start there."

"There's really not much to tell. That evening he met me at my place to bring me my stuff and pick up his. He was polite, asked me about my recovery, kissed me on the cheek and said goodbye."

"That's it?"

"Pretty much. We'd hashed everything out during the actual break up earlier at the hospital. Even then, he said he was sad that it had to be this way, but wasn't surprised by it."

"Especially after he attacked Castle."

"Well that certainly didn't win him any bonus points. That's for sure. He did ask me that night if I was seeing Castle yet."

"What did you tell him?"

"The truth. That no I wasn't but that I didn't leave him for Castle. I left him because our relationship wasn't going anywhere, and never would."

"Do you think he believed you?"

"It doesn't matter what he thinks. It's the truth. Besides, I don't think it mattered. When I was at the hospital the next day for my PT session, I happened to spot him in the cafeteria laughing over coffee with a beautiful blonde nurse."

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Don't tell me you're giving up the morgue slab for the long leather couch. Should I just start calling you Freud?"

"Hell no. Psychiatry would drive me crazy... literally. But don't change the subject."

"To be honest... I was happy to see him moving on."

There was a long pause while Kate waited for a reply.

"I believe you. You don't sound upset at all."

"Good! Because I'm not."

"So what else happened after that."

"Nothing exciting really. I still spent most of my time up at the cabin and came back a couple times a week for one therapy or another. If I spent the night, I stayed with my Dad, otherwise I went straight back."

"What did you do all the time you were up there?"

"Slept, read, painted the cabin's kitchen, went running, biking or swimming. On the weekends my Dad joined me and we'd go fishing or hiking or visit antique shops. I just took the time I needed and recovered."

"Sounds really relaxing."

"It was for a while. Then it just got boring."

"Is that why you came back early?"

"No. I came back early cuz I missed you so much, Lanie."

The ME chuckled. "Lies. All lies!"

"What! I would never lie to you."

"No. Never. Since you're being so honest all of a sudden, have you told Castle how you really feel yet?"

Kate was speechless. She shouldn't be since Lanie was always encouraging them to hook up, but this was the first time she'd suggested it since the shooting. She's never told her about Castle's confession or how it made her feel, but she couldn't suppress the feeling that somehow she knew.

"He knows I cherish his friendship and trust him as a partner."

"But does he know you love him?"

"I, I don't love Castle," she stuttered.

"Right. See I knew you weren't ready to be honest yet. I thought maybe almost dying in his arms would clear that up for you."

Kate didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Her friend was perceptive, too much so in fact, but she couldn't acknowledge that yet. She looked over and stared at the brick and journal on her dresser.

"I care about him, yes. And I'm sure he cares about me. But this isn't the time to pursue that."

Lanie chuckled knowingly. "Well at least you're getting closer, but girl, I'm telling you this as your best friend... don't keep putting if off for the perfect tomorrow. We both know how easily tomorrows can disappear."

Kate choked up. Her friend's advice was good, and hopefully soon she might be able to take it. "Enough about me. What have you been doing this last month?"

"Not much new. Javi's been working extra hours all summer. He, Ryan and Castle have spent many of their days working their jobs and their nights working the case. I've actually had a lot of down time..."

Kate didn't have to ask which case Lanie was referring to and felt tremendous guilt over taking up so much of her friend's lives.

"...Not that I mind though. I want this solved as much as they do. Sometimes I even sat up with them trying to help any way I could."

"Thank you." Kate whispered.

"You don't need to thank me. I know you would do the exact same thing." Sensing Kate's discomfort, Lanie changed topics. "Anyway, outside of that, I started going to a new spinning class. That's fun, but let let me tell you, it kicks my booty."

Kate heard a sound in the background and then Esposito's voice. "Sound's like your man is home. I should probably let you go."

"Yeah, Javi just came in with dinner, so I should go, but thanks for finally calling."

"Sorry I didn't do it sooner."

"No worries, you just buy me a couple margaritas and we'll be square."

"It's a deal. Maybe we can meet up at the Haunt after work Friday?"

"Perfect. See you then, if not sooner!"

"Good night!"

"Night."

Kate pushed the button that ended the call and closed her eyes. She didn't even realize she was tired until she woke up several hours later, just in time to go to bed.

XXXXXXXXXXX

The next afternoon, Beckett and Castle, who were on the way to a crime scene, sat quietly in her Crown Vic, waiting for the traffic light to change. It was a comfortable silence but a silence none the less. Kate wanted to bring up his gift, but was concerned where that could lead. She was carefully timing out the journey so that she could thank him properly without having a lot of time to delve into what it really meant.

When the light turned green she jumped in with both feet. "I got your package."

_Crap, that sounded horrible. He'll never let that go!_ Out of the corner of her eye she could see Castle's face split into a playful grin.

"Really?" he asked, with his eyebrows raised and his eyes twinkling. "I certainly hope it wasn't a disappointment."

With her left hand firmly gripping the wheel, she swung her right arm across his chest, playfully smacking him.

"You know what I meant, the brick."

Rick scoffed and feigned innocence. "That's what I was talking about Detective, where was your mind?"

Beckett nailed him with the best death glare she could muster, but the laughter she was trying to suppress, played at her features.

"Don't worry yourself about where my mind is, and just try to keep yours on track. I'm trying to thank you."

"Well you are welcome."

The silence returned briefly. Kate felt that she hadn't been able to convey the extent of her gratitude.

"No, Rick, really, THANK YOU. That may be the nicest gift I've ever received."

When he didn't answer, she allowed herself to look over at him. He wore a thoughtful smile that hinted to things she didn't want acknowledge yet.

When he opened his mouth to finally respond, Kate's grip on the wheel tightened and her heart raced.

"Who would have guessed that bricks were the way to a woman's heart? All this time I thought it was jewelry. Tiffany's better watch out."

His humor was a blessed relief to the tension she'd been holding in, allowing them both a good laugh. Someday they'd have to talk about all that was said and unsaid between them, but it would have to wait. She wasn't ready yet and she could only hope that he would be able to wait until she was.

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**Happy Castle Monday! So who's ready for a little ghost hunting? I know I am! LOL**

**Wow, guys I just want to thank you for keeping my cell phone busy all weekend! My phone was repeatedly sending me notifications for reviews and favorites and tweets and alerts at all hours of the day and night! You guys are just the awesomest! Yes I know that's not a word, but it should be, because it's totally you!**

**Your wonderful support got me over a hump in chapter 3 and helped me plow through chapter 4, so expect those later this week! Now I'm on to 5 and am writing notes for chapters even farther in the future! So see what your kind words can do for a writer!**

**Anyway hope you're enjoying the therapy sessions and the journal entries, they'll continue throughout the story so that we can see even deeper into Kate.**

**Well, until next time, happy reading!**

**DeBo81  
><strong>


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

September 26, 2011

It had been a week since my last nightmare. A week. Considering the frequency I've had them over the last several months, that was definitely a record. I knew they weren't gone for good, my life is never free from them for long, but it was nice while it lasted. I even began to feel rested.

Last night, though, ended that streak. Every time I closed my eyes, I was back in the hanger, reliving Montgomery's last night. And it was so vivid. I could almost smell the chemical tang of jet fuel, hear the echo of the shots, feel the warmth of Rick's body as he held me. Nothing ever changed. The memories just repeated over and over again. What would it have mattered though, even if the dreams had happy endings, the reality is still there. Montgomery is gone. He died trying to protect me. I don't blame myself for his death... he made his choices, but no matter what people say, like with my mother's death, I will always bear some of the weight.

I miss you Roy. I miss you so much.

Kate capped her pen while she stared at the page. She didn't really know why writing in her journal made her feel better, but it did, especially now that she was getting comfortable doing so. She still worried that someone would read it, but because of that concern, she was always very careful to put it back on her dresser when she wasn't using it.

She stood from her bed and stretched her stiff muscles. On days like today, when she was restless and tired, her injuries reared their ugly heads; the scarred tissue bunching and pulling in her body.

After putting her journal back in it's place, Kate showered and readied herself for work. She had a feeling it was going to be a long day and she just wanted to get it over with. Just as she pulled her navy blazer from the closet, her phone chirped. She took it from her nightstand and read the text from Esposito. Not even eight in the morning and they already had a body. Just par for the course.

Without hesitation, she pressed 3 on the speed dial and waited. After only one ring, the phone clicked and she was sure she heard Martha Rogers saying "Lady Beckett my lord". Kate cocked an eyebrow in confusion. Still no one said hello, but then she heard Martha continue, "Richard, are you crying?"

Castle answered her that he wasn't, it was just the onions. _What on earth is going on over there?_

She heard the phone shuffle around a bit more before Castle finally answered the phone in a slightly strained voice, "Good morning Beckett. Do we have a body?"

"We do. Is everything OK over there?"

"Yes! Desdemona here is just being dramatic."

Kate didn't even ask. "Okaaaay! Well, I'm heading out now." She rattled off the address. "Meet me there?"

"Yeah, I'm on my way."

"Alright. See ya soon."

XXXXXXXXXXX

By the time Beckett arrived on the scene, a number of vehicles and news vans had clogged the now closed off road. She parked her Crown Victoria as close as she could, took a deep breath and got out of the car.

Before she'd even closed the door, a taxi carrying Castle pulled up next to her.

He paid the driver and hopped out, joining her as she headed down the block.

"You don't look like a guy who's been crying all morning."

"I wasn't crying all morning. Can I help it if thinking about Alexis going off to college chokes me up?"

Kate smirked. "I thought it was the onions."

"OK. I'll admit it wasn't just the onions, not completely. I mean, she's gonna to be gone in a few months. My little girl!"

"Yeah, but she's growing up, Castle. And she's going to a great school. Its whatchya want isn't it?"

"Yeeees. I'm just not ready."

"OK, well she is. So you two are just not on the same page."

"So what do I do?"

A slight warmth ran through Kate. She secretly loved when Castle asked her for parenting advice or input on the teenage female psyche. Not because she thought she was any type of expert, but because she knew that Alexis was the most important aspect of his life, and she loved that he trusted her enough to seek her council, even with his daughter.

"Let her go," she answered confidently, despite Castle's surprise. "Trust me. You don't want to hold on too tight; you'll just drive her away."

At the mouth of the alley where their victim waited, the press waited impatiently, hounding her with questions the moment they saw her approach.

Beckett brushed them off with practiced ease, spoke with an officer and then joined Lanie and the boys over the body, which had been cleanly split in two.

When Castle reacted to the scene, she silently commiserated.

"Uh, so he was uh..."

Lanie stood from where she squatted over the blood pool and finished her friend's sentence. "...Split right down the middle. From the top of his head all the way down to his.."

Castle flinched. "Ehhya"

"Oh please," the ME chastised, "The guy was sliced in two. I'd say his unit is the least of his problems."

"Then you do not understand the sacred bond between a man and his unit."

Unbidden, a mental image of Rick, that Kate was not prepared for, popped into her head, almost making her blush. She immediately pushed it away, in lieu of the case at hand. "OK, so what was the murder weapon? Guillotine?"

"A sword." Lanie handed her a bloody baggie containing a piece of metal. "Tip broke off in the body."

They continued to study the scene and gather all the information they had available before finally moving to question the only known witness.

After more than two hours on the scene they weren't any closer to finding the sword wielding killer, so they headed back to the station and then later to the morgue to speak with the victim's next of kin.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate could feel Castle's eyes on her as she stormed from Gates' office and was talking to the guys. When she turned back to him she caught his line of sight. He was staring at her butt.

"Like what you see Castle?" She said sarcastically. "You know if this case is boring you, you don't have to stick around."

Rick ignored the barb but had the decency to flush slightly. "This case is anything but boring. I'm not going anywhere."

"You're right about that. You'd think it would be hard to get stranger than finding a man in an alley, divided in half. Yet between his apathetic mother, Valtini dropping trou to show us his monogrammed derriere, and now knowing that our murderer is a comic book based super hero... It's been a weird day."

"And a long one. You look tired. Think maybe you should call it a night?" Rick asked softly.

"I'll be fine. I just didn't sleep well last night."

Castle didn't say anything, but the concern on his face was undeniable.

Kate looked around but didn't see anyone close enough to hear them, so she leaned forward til their heads almost touched and whispered, "Some nights I still have nightmares. Last night it was the hanger and everything that went down with Montgomery. It just kept repeating over and over."

He took a deep breath and reached to cover her hand which rested on her knee, with his own. "I understand. I have dreams about that, and you getting shot too. It hurts to relive it."

Kate nodded. She was relieved that he didn't freak out from her confession, but concerned to know he was plagued with the nightmares too.

"Kate, no matter what time it is or how strong you feel, call me if it happens again. You aren't alone."

"Rick, I can't.."

"Please."

She thought about it for several long seconds. "Only if you promise to call me when it happens to you too."

Slowly he began to nod.

Just talking to him like this must have relaxed her because suddenly she was overcome with exhaustion. When she yawned, she used it as an opportunity to remove her hand from his and then stretch.

"Maybe you're right. It is getting late, and I am tired. Can I give you a lift back to your place?"

"Normally I'd accept, but you don't need to spend that extra time carting me around. You need to go to bed. I'll just grab a cab."

Both Kate and Rick stood and reached for their jackets.

"Calling it a night?" Ryan asked the pair as they passed him.

"Yes. Beckett here may not admit to being tired, but I'm calling her bluff. She needs to get some rest and Alexis is waiting for me at home, so we're heading out."

"See ya tomorrow." Esposito called out without looking up from his computer.

"Night!" Kate responded before following Castle into the waiting elevator.

XXXXXXXXXXX

As crazy as the day before was, that day was equaled in productivity. It wasn't often that they could solve a murder in two days, but this was one of those lucky breaks that they all appreciated and now Tony "The Butcher" Valtini, the killer, was being processed and booked.

That only left two things, tackling the ever present pile of paperwork and more importantly, releasing a suspect and fellow police officer, Ann Hastings from custody.

Earlier in the day, they'd first arrested Hastings' boyfriend, Paul Whitaker, a soft spoken journalist, for the murder, but it became evident that although he was willing to take the fall, he was only covering for the real superhero/vigilante turned murderer. Knowing that Whitaker was innocent spun a new light on the evidence, leading them to an abandoned tenement where they found their masked crusader, The Lone Vengeance, AKA Officer Ann Hastings.

Even in the face of overwhelming evidence, Ann always swore to her innocence, and Kate wanted to believer her. Mainly because she didn't want to believe that someone so like her could commit such a heinous crime, even it if was for a "good" reason. Yes, she admitted to moonlighting as a superhero, taking some situations into her own hands, but not murder.

Like Beckett, she lost a parent to senseless crime, leading her to the life as a cop. Yes, she had a past that she wanted to avenge, but she would not kill a man over it. The whole thing made Kate wonder what she herself was capable of, if really pushed.

After what seemed like hours of talking, Hastings presented enough evidence to push the investigation away from her, at least for the moment, but she wouldn't be going anywhere in the mean time.

Thankfully though, she was innocent and they were able serve justice against the man who had taken his vendetta to a new level.

Now as Beckett walked back to holding, she couldn't tear her thoughts away from everything that had come out today. Hastings was a great cop who was awarded and well decorated. She had a bright future despite a dark past. She also had a man who loved her enough to sacrifice his future for her. Would Castle do that for her? In less than a heartbeat she was sure of the answer.

Kate stood at the Holding Desk, which held all the papers that would have to be signed and filed, while Officer LaVette released Hastings.

Ann signed the top form without instruction. She was familiar with the routine even if it was usually from the other side of the law.

Beckett pointed to an envelope on the desk. "Those are your personal effects. You probably want to make sure everything's there."

"Thanks Detective Beckett," Ann said sincerely.

"Ann you're a good cop. And you've got somebody who cares about you." Kate nodded toward Paul Whitaker who was waiting for Ann. "Don't be so driven by the past that you throw away your future."

The younger cop took a breath but didn't answer.

"Take care."

Ann turned away and walked to her boyfriend. As Kate watched them she noticed Castle and Gates for the first time,watching from farther down the hall. _If he heard what I told her, he'd tell me it was good advice that I should learn to follow. But he doesn't understand just how hard it is to actually do._

The Captain and Rick seemed to be talking to each other and Kate didn't want to get caught staring so she continued to watch as the departing couple finished gathering their things to leave. So really hoped that everything would work out for them. After everything else, they could use a happy ending.

"Detective," Iron Gates called. The three walked toward each other. "About Officer Hastings, she, uh, fled the alley when you ordered her to stop. Some reason you're not pressing any charges?"

Beckett's brain scrambled for a reason that didn't look sentimental or incriminating. She looked to Castle for help but he was no help "I, uhhhh..." Thankfully though, it didn't seem to matter what her reason was because the Captain continued to talk, answering for her.

"...Think that given the number of folks wearing that costume we can't prove that it was her in the alley or anywhere else for that matter."

Relief! "Exactly, Sir."

Castle's eyebrows raised.

Gates continued. "She's a promising officer. That said, it'd be bad for all of us if Lone Vengeance were to show up EVER again."

"I don't think that that will be a problem Sir."

"Well lets make sure it isn't."

With that, Gates was gone.

Castle stepped in closer to her and dropped his voice to just above a whisper. "Either she just grew a heart..."

Kate smiled and finished his sentence like usual. "...Or she's worried about how it would look if the press found out that Lone Vengeance was one of our own."

The elevator dinged, drawing both her and Castle's attention again to the now freed couple. Just watching them together, hand in hand, made her smile.

"A writer and his muse, fighting crime. Just like us." Castle stated thoughtfully.

_Like us_, Kate pondered. _Us!_

As the elevator began to close, the couple closed the distance between them and began to kiss.

Kate's eye grew wider as she realized just how much like them she wanted "us" to be. More than ever before, a part of her wanted to grab Rick's hand and pull him into the elevator for a passionate kiss just like that. A blush started to form at the memory of their last kiss. She knew that another chance at a moment like that would do nothing less than set off fireworks. A tingly warmth began to pool in her belly.

Awkwardly, Rick brought his eyes to hers, but just for a moment. Both were obviously embarrassed, and most likely more so from their own thoughts rather than what they'd actually witnessed.

"So tomorrow?" he asked.

"Mmmmmhmmm." she agreed.

She couldn't even speak to answer because if she opened her mouth, a full blown smile would break through, allowing him to see more of her heart than she was willing to show.

"Kay!"

There was nothing more to be said. At least not here and not now.

Rick turned and left her standing there, watching him, still trying to suppress her grin.

_Looks like when I get home, I have more to add to my journal._

XXXXXXXXXXX

September 27, 2011

Tonight Rick and I met a young a couple, who he appropriately described as "A writer and his muse, just like us". Three years ago I would have been furious with such a statement. One, for being called his muse and two, for for being bound to him by the word "us". But so much has changed.

Now "us" has become writer and muse, and it's not so bad. In fact, it's good. Very good. As are the statements, friends like us and partners like us. It's all the wonderful truth. Is that where it will remain though? Or will it develop into a couple like us, lovers like us, maybe... maybe even married like us? When did I even start thinking like this?

Most of the time I can't see that kind of long term permanence in our future, but not because its not plausible, but because I hate to let myself dream of the possibilities. A future with him could be so many wonderful things, but if it didn't work out, how would I go on?

I think right now that if everything else wasn't going on in my life, I'd throw caution to the wind and be willing to take the next step. But the weight of life and the wall, still holds me back.

Speaking of the wall, tonight after leaving the station, I ended up going back because I'd left my keys in my desk. When I returned, there on my desk was another brick.

Ryan, who was packing up for the night, noticed me pick it up and told me that Castle had brought it by a few minutes earlier, but didn't explain why. I told him it was part of an inside joke. He looked skeptical but thankfully didn't pry farther, because I couldn't tell him about it's true meaning.

Now that I'm at home, I have the brick on my mantle, propping up a photo. Next time Rick's here he'll see it and know its value.

Another brick down means a clearer view to the outside, to the future. I only hope that I won't regret allowing myself to see.

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: Good morning! Hope everyone is doing well.**

**Last night while carving my pumpkin (It's a Castle/Nikki Heat one... if you haven't seen it, you should. I'm pretty excited about it), I realized how busy this week and weekend are going to be, and I wondered when I was going to find the time to post, let alone write. So since I had a little time now, I decided to post this a couple days earlier than I planned. At least it guarantees that you don't have to wait a full week or more for an update. If I can still post this Fri/Sat like planned, so be it, you just get a bonus chapter this week. But if I don't, rest assured that either Mon or Tues I will.**

**Thank you for the continuing feed back. I'm really glad you're enjoying the story, and that you liked the brick. I really loved the idea of Castle giving her bricks, but I wasn't sure if it would go over well with everyone else.**

**Until next time!  
><strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Well it looks like you got your bonus chapter after all. Yay! Now I just need to put the pedal to the metal and write some more. Hopefully the temporary chaos around here will ease up soon so I can go back to writing, since I've posted almost everything I've completed.**

**Just so you know, I'm going to give this chapter a "SEMI-Spoiler" alert. This chapter is the first one to start pulling away from the show. It was written over a week ago, when I'd seen some pics for Cops and Robbers, but no promos or sneak peeks. Now that I've have seen those, I am sure that this chapter will differ greatly from what will air. So if you've stayed 100% spoiler free and haven.'t even watched the promo that aired right after Demons, you may want to wait til Tuesday to read this, but for everyone else... which I'm guessing is 99% of you... I'd say you're safe.**

**Also as I said, I'm starting to pull away into my own time line, so pretty much from this point onward, there will be very little that mirrors the actual season 4.**

**I think that is all for now. Thank you again for all the alerts , reviews and feedback via PM, Twitter, email, reviews etc.! You are all the best! If you enjoy what your read, please tell your friends!**

Chapter 4

"So today I was wondering if you could tell me more about you and Castle." Dr Burke stated after looking over his notes. "The last several visits have always started with us talking about your work or the shooting or even your mom's case, but no matter what, it always seem to come back to him."

Kate shifted in her seat and stared at her hands, but didn't answer.

"If you don't know where to begin, let me help. What kind of changes or growth have you noticed in your relationship with him recently?"

"Ummmm. I don't know. Since this summer, I don't know that anything has really changed much at all. We're kind of in a holding pattern. Rick and I are still just good friends."

"Really? That's interesting."

Curiosity piqued, Kate sat up a little straighter in her chair. "Why do you say that?"

"Well for one thing, You almost never call him Castle anymore. The first four weeks I saw you, you never called him anything but Castle. Now, at least when you're talking with me, and when you're not angry with him, its almost exclusively Rick. What's changed?"

"I still call him Castle!" she retorted defensively.

The doctor didn't answer, but let her continue her thoughts.

"He'll always be Castle, even if I call him Rick sometimes. That's just who he is."

"So you don't think that you use his last name as a way to distance yourself from him?"

"No. It's just his name, just like Ryan and Esposito are Ryan and Esposito. I hardly ever call them by their given names."

"But you have at some point?"

Several memories passed through her head of when she'd used her co-workers first names, Javier, Kevin, Roy. They were times of friendship and support. Times when the walls and customs of work were down and it was a personal moment. Times when they were a family. "Yes. I have. But it's rare."

"But would you say that calling Castle, Rick, is still rare?"

She rolled her eyes. "Probably not as much, no."

"Since going back to work have you used his first name more often than your other friends and coworkers?"

"Yes."

"To his face?"

"Yes," she repeated with a sigh.

"Then I repeat, what has changed?"

Kate balled up her fists so that her nails dug into her palms. _Why does he ask me questions I can't answer!_ "Nothing," She blurted out, and then reconsidered. "Everything! I don't know, we never talk about it."

She stood from her chair and paced the length of the room, searching deep into her heart and mind for answers. "He told me that he loved me, when he thought I was dying, and if I could have spoken at that moment, I would have told him I loved him too, but I couldn't and never really thought I'd have the opportunity later on. Then I woke up and all I had in me was fear. I was afraid the sniper would be back; afraid that my mom's case would consume me. I was afraid of spending my life with the wrong person or perhaps spending it alone, but at the same time I was, am, afraid that being with the right person could be worse. What if it doesn't work out? What if something... tragic happens, again? The stakes are so much higher. So I closed everything and everyone out and tried to just push the fears away without dealing with them. And maybe if I had been dealing with someone else that would have worked, but not with Castle, not with Rick. Everything I do or see reminded me of him. For three months we never spoke, we never saw each other, not one second of communication, and yet I saw him and heard him everywhere. I missed him. It wasn't like that with other people. Sure I missed my friends and family and even my work, but it didn't invade me like missing him did. I couldn't ignore that. So when I came home, I went to him. I apologized for not calling and we talked about some things."

Kate paused in her pacing and stood behind the chair looking out the window. "I didn't tell him I loved him or that I heard him tell me that, probably because I'm some kind of coward. But I did tell him that I couldn't have the relationship I wanted while I had this wall around me that I put up after my mom's death. He told me he'd help me put my mom's case to rest and then later promised to help take down the wall. Since then, whenever we have a moment where we get closer on my moms case or where I sort of have a little emotional breath through, he gives me a brick, to show me that another piece of the wall is down. I now have eight bricks at home."

"How do you feel about him doing that?"

"I... I really cherish it. He's so good at reading between the lines, and really knowing whats going on inside."

"Do you think he's good enough at the subtext to know how you feel then?"

Kate shrugged. "Maybe. I think deep down he must, but I doubt he lets himself act on in just in case he's wrong."

"Do you think that maybe being open with him might help the situation? It's not like sharing your feelings will lock you into a life time commitment."

"I do. And sometimes I really want to do that, but something always holds me back. Its never seemed like the right time, and now over the last couple weeks I feel like he's even put up a wall, like he's hiding something from me."

"Maybe he's just trying to reign in his feeling so he doesn't get hurt. Whether you acknowledge it or not, he's already put himself out there once and it wasn't reciprocated. He might be afraid to do it again."

"I know."

"In the next week I'd like to challenge you to think of ways that maybe you can be a little more open with your feelings, not only with Rick, but others as well."

"I'll try."

"Good. Have you been working on your journal?"

"Yeah. At first it was intimidating, but now I find myself looking forward to adding to it."

"Excellent. Then that's a step in the right direction, because you're being open with yourself and acknowledging your feelings, whether you're ready to share them or not. Maybe this week would be a good time to go back and re-read some of your entries. It might give you a starting point for how to be more open with others."

Kate nodded again. Her allotted time for the session was coming to a close and she couldn't wait. She didn't like being confronted with the idea of telling Rick that she cared. She knew it had to happen soon. But like always, she could only think of one response. _Not yet._

XXXXXXXXXXX

That night it was late by the time Kate stumbled in from work. She was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Her team didn't have their own case, but lately every extra body in the station was helping Karpowski's team work a serial murderer who's victims of choice were little old ladies. Nine bodies over three weeks and very little evidence. It was finally Esposito who found the smoking gun, or bloody glove as the case may be. Not long afterward, the psychotic medical supplier was identified, tracked down and caught after a three hour stand off that ended in a deadly shoot out. Two officers had minor injuries but were able to walk away, which the same could not be said for the killer.

Kate threw her jacket on the couch and kicked off her shoes as she headed to the bathroom. By the time she'd turned on the shower she had stripped down to her bra and underwear.

Soon the heat of the steam and the pressure of the water began soothing away the stress of the day. But while she stood under the pounding spray she couldn't help but let her mind wander to how wonderful it would be if someone was waiting in the next room to help her finish unwinding. In fact if she was completely honest, she wasn't just picturing someone, but someone specific. She knew without a doubt that if she and Rick were together, he would willingly listen to her talk about her day and then kiss or massage away the residual stress.

Coincidentally, as soon as she allowed herself the luxury of letting the daydream take on its own life, the hot water turned cold, causing her to jump out of the shower. Kate grabber her towel and robe and wrapped herself in their terrycloth comfort.

Kate padded back out into her room. The shower had definitely relaxed her but at the same time served to wake her back up a bit. Her plan to fall into bed, no longer held the same appeal. Instead, she decided to take Dr. Burke's advice a reread some of her journal entries.

So she grabbed the book, and a pen in case she felt inspired, and curled up in her bedroom chair and flipped randomly through the pages.

October 13, 2011

My heart goes out today for my good friend Kevin Ryan. One of a cop's worst nightmares has come true for him today. His weapon, which was stolen last year, has been used in a murder.

Some people might argue that he shouldn't take it so hard, it wasn't his fault, but good cops like Ryan take their responsibilities seriously. His piece was entrusted to him and now it has taken an innocent life. I know I can't speak for him, but I can imagine that it must feel like someone put a gun in his hand and then pulled the trigger.

Ryan is a brother to me, both in the field and in friendship. I'll do whatever it takes to help him resolve this and then find solace in what has happened, just like I know he would do for me.

Kate smiled as she read the last sentences. It was true. She never had biological siblings, but she also no longer wondered what it must be like to have them, because she knew. She had two amazing brothers in Ryan and Esposito, and she would never take that for granted.

She skimmed over the other entries on the page but none of them grabbed her attention so she flipped back a little more.

October 2, 2011

In a little more than an hour I'm meeting my Dad for brunch. I can't wait. Tomorrow is his sixtieth birthday, and I have a surprise for him. He's done so much for me over the last few months and won't let me make it up to him in any way, but under the guise of a birthday present, I know he will finally let me spoil him a bit.

I know he's always dreamed of taking a hot air balloon ride, but for one reason or another, never has. With a little help from Rick (I swear he knows everybody), I've made all the arrangements to fulfill my Dad's dream. Today I'm kidnapping him after we eat and driving upstate a bit, to take him on the ride. With all the gorgeous fall colors in full effect and the warm Indian Summer temperatures, I don't think I could have asked for a more perfect day.

Kate's smile widened. That really had been the perfect day. She hadn't seen her father so happy and care free in ages. Maybe since she was a little girl.

Before she could read any farther, her phone began to ring. As she headed toward her purse in the living room she looked at the clock. It was after eleven and she was off duty. Who the heck was calling?

When she reached the phone Castle's smiling face was staring at her from the caller ID.

"Hello?" Kate answered.

"Hi."

A silent pause lingered for a second.

"Castle, you better not be drunk dialing me. Do you know what time it is?"

"I'm not drunk and I do know it's late. Sorry. You know, maybe this was a mistake. I should let you go."

Something about his voice pricked at her senses. He wasn't his normal playboy self.

"No, Rick. Wait. You called for a reason, what's up?" Kate took the phone back to her room and laid down on her bed.

"Remember about a month or so ago, you had a rough night and I told you to call me if you had nightmares, and you said you would but only if I did the same?"

Kate already felt guilty about snapping at him."You had one?" she asked softly.

He didn't acknowledge it outright but instead said, "I just needed to remind myself that you were OK."

"I am. I'm alive and well, sitting on my bed, talking to you. You want to tell me about the dream?"

"Not really. It's the same as it always is. You getting shot and then..." He trailed off, not finishing his sentence.

"Then what?"

"And then you're taking your last breath in my arms."

Unknowingly, Kate sucked in a deep breath. His dream was very nearly the truth. "I'm so sorry that you had to go through that."

"Me? I wasn't the one shot."

"No, but you saw it. You live with it. It still effects you very deeply."

"Hmmmm. When you put it like that, I guess it's good then that you don't remember any of it."

Silence. Kate couldn't speak. A part of her wanted to just agree and brush it off, but the truth leaped to her throat, begging to be revealed.

_Should I tell him? Now? Like this? I think we need to talk about this in person, not over the phone._

"I... I... guess you're right."

"Well, I should let you go. It's late. We both have early mornings tomorrow."

"Oh that's right, you won't be in until after lunch tomorrow right?"

"Yeah. I'm going with Mother to the bank to help her secure a loan for her school. I told her I would loan her the money, but she won't accept it."

"Well I don't blame her. Have fun. I know how terribly exciting those kinds of things can be."

"Yeah maybe if I get too bored, I'll pretend to rob the place, so you can come and get me."

"Brilliant plan, genius. I'm Homicide, you'd have to kill someone for me to show up," Kate joked.

"Oh well, I guess I'll just have to sit through it then."

"I'm sure you'll survive a trip to the bank, and when you're done you can bring me some Thai food for lunch."

"Mmmm sounds good," he hummed appreciatively. "Extra peanut sauce?"

"Of course!"

"Sweet dreams, Detective."

"You too, Castle. Good night."

XXXXXXXXXXX

_Rick Castle if you get out of this alive, I'm going to kill you._

When Beckett heard the call from dispatch come over the radio that morning, she didn't think much of it at first. An armed robbery was in progress across town. Unfortunately those happened now and then. But then she heard the name of the location, First New York Financial.

Pulling over into an alley, she parked the car and started going through her glove compartment. The other day Castle had stopped at an ATM while they were out and after she'd dropped him off at home, she'd noticed the receipt had fallen on to the car floor. She'd picked it up and put it in the glove box to give him the next day but had forgotten. After a littlef searching, she found the slip of paper and unfolded it. Across the top was the 1st NYF logo. He and Martha were going to be at the bank today. There was a good chance, considering the address, that it was the same one.

Not wasting any more time, Beckett pulled back into traffic as she dialed Castle's phone. Without it even ringing, it went directly to voice mail. It was turned off. His phone was NEVER off.

Her heart beat faster and her adrenaline began to pump. She triggered her siren and flipped on her bubble, then steadily gained speed as she raced through the busy urban streets.

That had been seven hours ago.

Now she stood back by the ambulances watching and waiting as the SWAT team prepared to storm the bank. Ryan stood next to her, arms folded over his chest as he waited nervously. Esposito was next to him with an arm wrapped around Lanie, who had shown up a little earlier. Even though they weren't currently dating, he'd called her and were were facing the crisis together. And lastly, to Kate's right, stood Alexis and Martha, who were desperately trying to fight back tears, as they held each other tightly.

The only people left in the bank now, were the four gunmen and Castle, and she knew without doubt that it was that way because of him.

Almost two hours earlier, the hostage negotiator was contacted by one of the gunmen. One of the hostages was a pregnant woman who had gone into labor. They would be willing to let two paramedics enter the lobby to get her, in exchange for three cases of bottled water. It was a no brainer. They would make the exchange.

Kate, being in the right place at the right time, heard this and made a suggestion. Let her dress like an EMT and go in with the other paramedic. She was a trained investigator who was good with details, maybe she could give the rest of the PD an inside look into what was going on in there.

After a little convincing, it was agreed upon. She and David McBurrows, who was a paramedic with combat training, would be the two who would go in, get the hostage and get out without delay, but would also try to bring back as much intel as possible.

When she and McBurrows pushed the gurney up to the doorway, a gunman who had a hostage at gun point opened the door and let them enter.

They rolled the gurney up to the desk nearest the entrance where the young woman sat, panting and sweating. David took the water and put it on the desk, while Kate made a show of taking the woman's pulse. All the while, she could hear two men talking. The first one, she didn't recognize, the other belonged to Castle.

"What makes you think that I'd release all these people just for you?" a man in scrubs asked.

"Trust me I'm good collateral. Talk to the negotiator, offer to let people go. They'll work with you. Then when they're all safe, I'll stay with you until you can get away."

Panic welled up in Kate's throat. _Shut up Rick!_, she wanted to scream. Carefully, she took a good look around while she and David helped the woman get settled on the stretcher and strapped in. There seemed to be four robbers, all dressed like surgeons, two with hand guns, and two wielding machine guns. All the hostages, which looked to be about twenty five in total, were laying on the floor, face down, hands over their heads, in front of the teller's counter. Only one dared to raise up his face, and when his blue eyes met her hazel ones, there was a second that the world stood still.

Just before she felt the gun barrel press into her shoulder blade, she saw Rick's eyes grow wide. A low voice hissed at her from behind.

"That enough sight seeing, Sweetheart. Either get Mommy here and get out, or get your ass on the floor with everyone else."

David was watching her carefully. She nodded. "We're going."

With one quick glance out the corner of her eye, she could see that Rick was still watching her, and that Martha had moved her hand to cover his.

The bang of the smoke bombs going off pulled Kate from her memories and back into the moment. As the doors became hidden behind the smoke, she couldn't help but wonder if that second before leaving the bank would be the last time she ever looked into his eyes again.

Chaos broke out. Guns fired, men shouted. Alexis began sobbing next to her. Kate never took her eyes from where she knew the main entrance was through the smoke. As the haze began to clear, she could see SWAT scrambling like ants on their hill. There were shadows of two people lying on the ground, both appeared to be wearing scrubs. Another shadowy figure was being dragged out from the inside, but she still couldn't see Rick.

The smoke continued to thin out and blow away on the breeze. Again the main door opened, and a large man in a suit and carrying a brief case emerged. It occurred to Kate that it looked weird to see Rick carrying a brief case; it wasn't usually his style. But then the man in the suit reached inside his jacket and pulled out a gun. There was more shouting and more shots. The man fell backward from the impact of the bullets hitting his body. Ryan and Esposito ran forward, but Kate was frozen in place. She couldn't process what she'd just seen. It didn't make sense. Lanie moved past her to Alexis who had crumpled to the ground, sobbing, while Martha still did her best and held her tight.

As Kate continued to stare, she noticed one of the men wearing scrubs move. At first it was slow, but then he pushed himself up to sitting, then waved at someone... to Ryan.

"It's Rick. He's OK." Kate said numbly as she ran forward into the mess of people.

By the time she reached him, he was standing and Ryan and Esposito were patting his back. She knew the moment he saw her though, because he opened his arms wide and smiled. Without thinking she ran directly into his embrace and buried her face in his shoulder. His arms tightened around her, squeezing the last air from her lungs.

"Rick, you're OK." She whispered into his neck. "You're OK."

"Yes, I'm fine."

Kate turned her head so that she could look at him, just as he turned his face to look at her, causing their noses to bump and their lips to graze ever so slightly. She pulled back from the electric shock the almost kiss caused and stared at him with wide eyes. She might have stood their longer if not for Alexis calling to him as she ran up.

Kate stepped back all the way now and noticed for the first time, everyone else who was watching them. Martha, Ryan, and Esposito all sported matching, knowing smirks. Lanie nodded at her and winked, and Captain Gates, who Beckett didn't even know was at the scene, stared coolly as she took it all in.

Embarrassment tried to creep in, but she wouldn't let it. She thought her friend had been killed, and he was alive. She had no shame in being happy about that. So she hugged him... who cares! It didn't mean anything. Yes, she loved the man, but they didn't know that, and they didn't need to. They could all just think what they wanted and leave her out of it.

Now that the situation was under control, another officer came and whisked Rick away. He needed to be checked out by a medic and then go back to the station for questioning and paperwork. His day wasn't going to be over any time soon.

No one spoke to her about what they saw that afternoon, or at least what they thought they saw happen between her and Castle, and for that Kate was grateful. The day had already had its share of stress, without that added on top.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate gripped the bottle of red wine with one hand and raised the other to knock on the door.

_You can do this Kate. It's time. Just knock on the damn door._

She wrapped her knuckles tentatively against the cool surface and waited. When she didn't hear anything she thought to try again louder, but at she raised her hand, the door opened.

"Beckett!" Castle said, obviously surprised. "Come in."

"Sorry to drop in uninvited and all, but I thought that after a day like today you might want to unwind with a bottle of wine."

"Sure sounds better than trying to write Rook out of his current situation."

"Will Martha want to join us?" Kate asked, hoping to get a feel of who was around but not to sound like a complete moron.

"Noooooo, no. After this morning she declared that she'd earned a week at the spa, and frankly I can't say that I blame her. She left minutes after I got back home."

"Oh."

Alexis ran down the stairs, smiled politely at Kate and headed to the dining room table calling to her dad as she went, "Dad, have you seen my purple jump drive? It has all my physics notes on it for my project."

"Coffee table."

"Thanks. I'm trying to get all my stuff together so that I can leave for Kari's place right after Ash calls."

"I thought he was supposed to call an hour ago." Rick answered his daughter as he took the wine from Kate and strolled into the kitchen, with the detective following.

"He was. I don't know why he hasn't. I don't want to miss him, but I need to get to study group too."

"Well what's stopping him from calling you after you leave?"

"I told him to call here, cuz my phone never gets good reception at Kari's."

Rick took the glasses down from the cupboard, placed them on the counter and turned back to his daughter. "Hon, I know you miss him and really look forward to the times you can talk, but you can't keep puttin your life on hold, waiting around. Something probably just came up. If he calls, I'll tell him to try your phone. He can always leave a message if he can't get a hold of you."

Rick's parental advice was good, but from Alexis' body language, she didn't agree. Kate wanted to agree with Rick and maybe even add a little advice, but felt it wasn't her line to cross.

Before Alexis said anything in response, the phone began to ring. Her face lit up and and she dashed into her father's office while calling out, "I've got it."

Once she was out of sight, Rick popped the cork on the wine and turned to her. "It's been like this since he left. Is this normal?"

"She's young and in love. It's all normal behavior, but it's also good for you to keep encouraging her to not put her life on pause for him."

Silence filled the loft as he began to pour their drinks, allowing the sounds of Alexis' rising voice to drift out to them. She sounded upset.

Rick put the bottle down and stared toward his office, worry creasing his brow.

Kate placed a her hand on his. "Go see if she needs you. I'll finish this."

He nodded and slowly wondered off to stand in the doorway.

She finished pouring the wine and put the rest in the fridge before picking up the long stemmed glasses.

Just before reaching Castle, she heard Alexis coming out of the office and detoured to the steps so as to stay out of the way. She could still hear though and felt some guilt over eavesdropping on the conversation, but listened anyway.

"What's wrong Punkin?" Castle asked, sounding very much like the concerned father that he was. "Trouble in paradise?"

"Boys are so dumb!"

"We do have our shining moments, don't' we? Wanna tell me about it?"

Kate grinned thoughtfully as she listened and watched. The Castles had moved just into her line of vision, so she could see Rick wrap his large arm around Alexis' slim shoulders. She remembered a moment or two like this as a teen with her own father.

"He just doesn't get it, Dad! He said he'd call at five and he didn't because he went with some friends to play paintball. And now because I'm upset about being forgotten, he thinks I'm overreacting! You know what he told me?"

"No, what?"

"He said I need to calm down, it's not like he was out with another girl! Can you believe that? Why even bring that up? It wasn't accusing him of cheating. I wasn't even mad that he was late. I'm just upset because he doesn't realize what it feels like to be forgotten."

Rick pulled her into a bear hug. "Honey, Honey, Honey. He didn't forget you. I don' think that's even possible. I'm not trying to justify his actions, but he probably just sees it as being a little late. Does he know that you had a horrible day today?"

"No. I couldn't reach him and I didn't want to text him about it. I let a message to call, but that s it.."

"Could it be that with all the stress of today, maybe you reacted a little more strongly than you normally would in the same situation?"

Kate couldn't hear an answer but saw the girl shrug.

"Maybe you should call him back and tell him."

"I can't. He was headed to the basketball game with his roommates."

"Then why don't you text him, tell him that you still would like to talk soon, and then go meet up with your study group. It's Friday night, you'll both be up late. I'm sure you'll be able to talk with him later."

"I guess."

"That's more like it. I love you Alexis."

Alexis stepped back from her father and sighed. "I know, Dad, I love you too."

Kate stepped back down into the main part of the room now as Alexis gathered a few things.

After a round of goodbyes, Rick held the door open for his daughter and kissed her head when she left.

Rick turned back to Kate after shutting the door. "I may have more run ins with bank robbers and insane criminals than the average writer, but its living with a teenage daughter that is gonna kill me!"

"Oh, you'll both survive this and be stronger for it. Remember, this may be the last year you have her at home."

"Don't remind me. It's funny, as much as I want to keep her young and home with me for the rest of our lives, there are days when I can't wait for her to be on her own. And she's a great kid! How do the parents of all those crazy teens do it?"

"You are asking the wrong person!" Kate laughed and handed Rick his wine. "I think we need to make a toast, here's to surviving whatever comes along whether they be teenagers or bank robbers."

"Here, here."

After clinking their glasses together they both took a sip and then found themselves lost in their thoughts and each other. After a moment Kate blinked, breaking the spell.

"I'm glad you came over tonight."

"Me too."

"Here, have a seat, get comfy."

Kate accepted and led the way to the couch, and then, in a calculated move sat in the center, giving Rick only two choices, sit close to her or in a completely different chair. He joined her on the couch. She rearranged slightly so they were facing each other and their knees were bumping.

"So," he said after taking another long drink of wine. "You wanna watch a movie or something?"

"Um, actually I was kinda hoping we could talk."

He watched her for a second before nodding.

"About what happened today..." Kate started.

"I'm sorry about that kiss, er, almost kiss. Did Gates or the guys give you a hard time about that?"

"No. Nobody said anything, and you have nothing to apologize for. Really. That's not what I wanted to talk about."

"Oh, OK."

"How are you doing?"

"I'm fine. I gotta admit I was scared at times, but I'm good now."

Kate took a drink from her glass before continuing. "I know you volunteered to stay back so that everyone could be released. That was very brave... and stupid. You could have been killed."

"Maybe, but I wasn't, and right then I just knew that I had to do whatever I could to get as many people out as I could."

"Well I'm not going to lecture you on protocol or interfering, I heard Gates already give you the riot act. I'm just glad you're safe."

"Did you also hear her tell me well done after her lecture? Give me some more time and I will melt the Ice Queen yet."

"No I didn't but I'm glad she's starting to soften. You've certainly proved yourself time and time again."

Rick looked deep into her eyes "Have I?" He asked.

Kate reached out and placed her hand on Rick's knee. "Yes you have."

Another silence fell over them as they shared a meaningful stare.

Kate didn't even notice that Rick had moved his hand until it covered hers and squeezed.

The pressure on her hand reenforced her resolve. "We need to talk."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Rick, I need to tell you some things and I don't really know how do to it, but if you can bare with me for a little while, I think I can get it all out."

Every part of him grew serious. He took their wine glasses and put them on the table but then turned back to her and took her hands again, giving her his full attention.

"See, I have some things that I haven't been completely honest about and I realized today when I thought I saw you get shot that I couldn't keep putting it off." Kate found that looking into his searching blue eyes was too much for her so she dropped her eyes to their linked hands for a bit before continuing. "I guess seeing someone you care about get shot has a way of clarifying the big picture, doesn't it?"

His sharp intake of breath brought her attention back up to face. Rick's eyes were wide, his complexion had paled a bit and his pulse was visibly pounding in his neck.

"What are you trying to tell me Kate?"

"I uh... um, well, you knew that I saw a therapist this summer for a few sessions, so that I could get cleared for my psych eval?"

He nodded, but was obviously confused in the swing of topics.

"After having my panic attack that first day back, I went back to him. I've been seeing him every other week since then. He's been helping me a lot. Maybe even more than I realized I needed. Part of it has been dealing with the shooting and the PTSD that's come with it. Part of it has been working to keep me from falling back into the hole my mom's case has left in my life. And part of it is learning to be open and honest with myself so that I can learn to be open and honest with others."

Kate pulled her hand free from his so that she could pick up her glass again. In a rather large and unladylike gulp, she finished off the red wine in her glass, hoping for a little liquid courage.

"I...," she started but couldn't continue. Her throat felt tight like it was trying to barricade the words from coming. "I, I do remember some of what happened that day."

Something in Rick's eyes changed, but she couldn't put her finger on exactly what.

With quiet hesitation, he spoke. "Your doctor is helping you remember the shooting?"

Kate shook her head. Tears stung her eyes but she fought them back. "No. He doesn't need to help me remember. It was never forgotten."

"What do you mean it was never forgotten? What do you remember?"

"I remember standing at the podium and you calling my name. I remember the pressure I felt when the bullet hit my chest, and how suddenly everything was blue as I fell back with you and could only see the sky. I remember screaming out in my head, but being so paralyzed by the shock that I couldn't even make a sound. "

"And?"

Kate tried to take a deep breath but it hitched making her hiccup instead. "I remember what you said."

Emotions played across his face in rapid succession. At first he looked like he might burst with joy, but then it turned to confusion and hurt. He stood up from the couch and paced a bit in front of the coffee table. Kate stood too, because she didn't like feeling little and helpless as she watched him struggle with her revelation.

"If you always knew what I said, why did you tell me you didn't?"

"I was scared. I still am."

"Of what? Letting me... letting me in?"

Kate shrugged and stared toward the far window, unable to meet his gaze. "Yes and no. I'm still working on that but I guess I was scared of everything from dying, to putting you in danger, to getting hurt on such a deep and emotional level that I could never be whole again."

"I don't understand."

"I don't know that I do either, but I couldn't lie to you anymore."

Rick continued to keep a fair amount of distance between them. He still paced. "Well I guess you have the upper hand Kate. You know how I feel, but I have no idea if you feel the same."

She turned to him and placed a gentle hand on his strong arm, freezing him where he stood. "I care about you very much."

"Care? You care? How am I supposed to take that? I told you I loved you, Kate. Hell, I essentially wrote it out for you in a book, and you've known that for over five months, pretending every day that you didn't and when I finally ask you if you feel the same, your response is that you care? You care about Ryan and Esposito too, is that where I stand? Friend and coworker?"

"No, Rick, no. I feel so much more for you. But right now I don't know that I can give you more. If I were to tell you I love you too, what we have right now wouldn't be enough. Right now, all I can be to you is a friend and partner, even if I want more."

"Excuse me if I don't fully believe you Kate. I'm having a few issues with trust right now."

"Rick please. I'm giving you all I have right now. I told you that day in the park, right from the start , that I couldn't have the relationship I wanted because of the wall, and I thought that was pretty clear that the relationship I wanted was with you. I'm telling you now, that I care, I just need more time. Is that too much to ask for?"

"No, it's not. But let me ask you this, will time make a difference? I said I'd help you with that wall, but I can't be the only one bringing it down. You have to do it too."

"I'm trying. Everyday I try, but this wall didn't go up over night and it's not coming down over night either."

He accepted that with a nod of recognition. "So where do we go from here?"

"I don't know."

"Me either. Maybe you're not the only one who needs some time right now."

"You're probably right. I should go."

"I think that's a good idea."

Kate headed toward the door and grabbed her jacket. Before opening the door she turned back. "Rick, I'm sorry I've hurt you. That was never my intention."

"I know. Good night."

"Night."

XXXXXXXXXXX

November 4, 2011

So this is what I was afraid of. I opened up myself to him and now I feel panicked and vulnerable. Will he ever forgive me? Should he? Have I lost the best friend I've ever had?

One part of me is proud for biting the bullet and telling him everything. That's the part that came home, went online and ordered a dozen bricks to celebrate the step of personal growth.

The other part of me is terrified that not only have I done unrepairable damage to a cherished relationship, but that if I keep trying to remove the wall, I'll always be open to this much hurt. That's the part that has downed a pint of Phish Food ice cream and left tear stains in this journal.

I feel so torn. I can only hope that with a little time and thought, Rick and I can come to some kind of understanding that will keep our friendship in tact.

The next morning Kate woke up to find her journal and the empty ice cream carton still in bed with her. She was still in her clothes from the night before and her hair, though mussed from sleep, was still pulled back as it had been.

Slowly she sat up and rubbed her eyes, causing her mascara to smear across the back of her hand. She caught her reflection in the mirror and groaned. At least she didn't have to go anywhere anytime soon.

After stretching, Kate padded into the bathroom to get freshened up. First, she brushed her teeth and scrubbed her face until it was fresh and rosy. Then she stripped off her clothes, washed up and then headed back to her room to put on her softest leggings and her oversized NYU hoodie. Now that she was clean and comfy she tackled her hair. After combing all the tangles out she parted it and began to braid. While snapping the elastic band around the end of the second French braid, she heard a knock at the front door.

Peering through the peep hole, Kate recognized Rick immediately. For a brief second she thought about pretending she wasn't home, but dismissed the idea almost as fast as it came.

Butterflies danced in her belly as she meticulously unlocked every chain and bolt. She didn't know if they were from nerves or excitement, but they were definitely alive and kicking.

"Hi!" Kate greeted, with a hesitant smile.

"Hi to you too." Castle replied as he handed her a coffee cup. "You certainly look... adorable this morning."

Kate blushed and ran a hand over her hair. Pigtails, college sweat shirt and no make up, had she known she was having company she would have dressed more carefully.

"I thought I was spending my Saturday morning just relaxing at home. I didn't know I'd be entertaining a guest."

"Well I'm glad I surprised you. You look very cute, and I rarely get to see you looking so laid back."

He took off his jacket and made himself at home on her couch without being invited to do so. She didn't mind though and joined him at the opposite end.

"Well usually when we're together we're working so I shoot for something slightly more professional. What's in the bag?"

"Have you eaten yet?"

She shook her head. "Just woke up like five minutes ago. It's not even eight yet."

"Well I picked up some breakfast quiches on my way, just in case. Ham and swiss or bacon and spinach?"

"Mmmmm ham and swiss."

Rick handed her a take out container and a plastic fork, but then stood. "I need to wash my hands first."

"Bathroom is through that door and then immediately to your right."

Rick was gone only a minute or two but when he returned, he had an odd look on his face.

"What?" Kate asked, immediately wondering if she'd left her recently discarded clothes on the bathroom floor instead of putting them in the hamper.

"When I walked through your room, I noticed the empty ice cream carton in your bed. When I wake up with empty pints of Ben and Jerry's it means one of two things, either a very interesting date or a really rough night. And since I'm pretty sure you were alone last night, I'm guessing it was the latter."

Rick shoved a bite of egg in his mouth while watching her.

Kate shrugged, embarrassed. "I wouldn't call it a rough night, but you're right it wasn't the remnants of some edible sexcapade either.

"I understand. I didn't sleep great either. That's why I'm here. I wanted to finish our talk."

Suddenly Kate was no longer hungry. She put her container on the end table and waited for him to continue.

He followed suit, and turned his body so that he could face her directly. "Can I ask you a question?"

"I guess."

"Did you break up with Josh or did he break up with you?"

"What does that matter? Why does that effect us?"

"Just humor me."

"Fine. I broke up with him."

"Why?"

"I told you. I liked him but it wasn't enough."

"Explain that to me."

"What's to explain. Our relationship wasn't going anywhere. It wasn't going to work."

"See that's what I'm confused about. I met Josh and Demming and Sorenson... they're good guys, all of them. They're good looking, kind men who would have spent a lifetime treating you well and loving you. But it never worked out. Why? Was it your wall holding you back? Are you just afraid of commitment? Or was it just as simple that they weren't your soul mate? I may seem cruel to ask these things, but I have to know, cuz I know they loved you too, or at least they would have if you let them. If I'm going to keep my heart out there and see this through with you, what makes me different from any of them?"

Kate was floored. How was she supposed to answer that without completely bearing her entire heart and soul to him? She wanted to kick him out and refuse to answer, but that would solve nothing. And the way he was staring at her at that moment, would have broken any angry resolve to do so anyway.

While she introspectively searched for answers that she didn't even know if she had, she dropped her face to her hands.

Minute after tediously long minute ticked by before she could bring herself to look at the man sitting with her.

"I don't know what to say except that deep inside I know you're different. You know me like no other person on earth. You make me feel happier, angrier, prettier, smarter, more terrified than I've ever felt before. Before you, Will, would have been then next closest. What we had was real but the timing never worked out. Our lives could never match up. We were going in two different directions and cared enough about the other to let each other go."

Rick nodded as he devoured each tidbit she gave him.

"Demming...he had potential too but we weren't together that long. I broke up with him to..."

Kate immediately stopped talking when she realized what she was about to say. Hoping Rick wouldn't notice, she took a long drink of coffee and then tried to bring up Josh.

"Wait, you skipped something. Why did you break up with Demming?"

"Never mind, it's not important."

"Of course it's important, I can see how thinking about it effects you. What happened with him?"

Suddenly angry with him, but mostly at herself, Kate wadded up a napkin and threw it at him. "Nothing happened with him! You happened! After more than a year of brushing off your flirtations and everything else, you started to grow on me. I started to care. So I broke up with him because of you. I was going to tell you I'd accept your invitation to the Hamptons, but before I could, you and Gina were walking off into the sunset. Is that what you wanted to hear Rick, that I let down my guard to be with you and it blew up in my face?"

Rick's jaw dropped.

"No, Kate. I had no idea. I'm so sorry." He tried to reach out to her but instead she crossed her arms over her chest, visibly cutting him off.

"Yeah well that makes two of us." Kate took a deep breath and saw the pain she'd caused him. This wasn't supposed to be what was happening. They were trying to work things out not push each other away. "And Josh, well maybe if I'd never met you we'd have worked out, but that's a big maybe. Truth is, I probably never gave him the chance he deserved because I could never stop comparing him to you. He never quite measured up."

"Wow, Kate. I had no idea. I think if I didn't feel like such a self righteous ass right now, I'd be on a huge ego trip."

"Well now you know."

"I'm sorry Kate that I asked you about all that. I shouldn't have. I just got scared that we'd start moving forward together and you'd freak out and put the wall back up, with me getting left out. I couldn't see how if none of them were able to claim your heart, what would make me think that I would be any different?"

Kate started to soften again, as she heard the honesty in his words. "The thing is Rick, you are different."

Castle scooted closer to her, leaving only a small space between their bodies. "I want to kiss you so badly right now."

Heat flooded Kate from head to toes. She knew it was a bad idea, but her head seemed to nod of its own accord.

Carefully, Rick raised his hand to her cheek and caressed the soft skin of her face with his fingers. As she saw him begin to lean in toward her, she closed her eyes and held her breath, waiting to feel his lips on hers.

Before the touch came though, he spoke so softly she almost didn't hear him, "Whether you're ready or not, Kate Beckett, I still love you." And then it happened. Castle's warm, firm lips met her soft waiting ones. Electricity tingled in her fingers and toes, and bubbles of joy and excitement boiled in her stomach. She buried her fingers in the hair on the back of his neck and pulled him deeper into the kiss.

_What the hell were we waiting for_, fleetingly danced through her mind during the embrace, urging her to never let go.

But she didn't have to make that decision because he was already breaking away.

"We should stop, Kate."

"Why?" she asked, causing him to grin.

"Because, like you keep telling me, you're not ready for what I have to give yet. We have other things to deal with before we can move forward. I want this to work for us, so we need to take it slow and do it right. The more that wall comes down, the closer we can get to that moment of not turning back."

Kate sat up straighter, trying to gather her wits. "No, you're right, of course. I just uh, wasn't thinking clearly for a moment."

He laughed. "I'm glad to know I wasn't the only that was affected so profoundly."

"Hardly."

Rick placed his hand on her knee and kneaded it gently. "So, I think we need to kinda spell out some boundaries. Are we dating? Are we a couple? What do we call this relationship?"

"Do we have to label it?"

"I dunno, shouldn't we, so we know we're on the same page?"

"I think we can be on the same page without having a title. I'd say we're in a relationship, but I don't know that I'm willing to tell people we're dating yet."

"Okaaaay... but why can't we share the news with our closest friends? They'll be excited for us!"

"I know, but then they'll have expectations and theories about what's going on and how serious things are and this thing we have... it's not a traditional relationship. I just want to keep it between us for now."

"Fair enough, for now. And since you brought it up, what exactly is going on? How serious are we?"

"Well considering you've already used the L word..."

"And I'm going to keep using it until you can say it back. Then I'll use it twice as often."

Kate shook her head but smiled despite herself. "Anyway, what I was saying, is that I would think being in an exclusive relationship is probably best."

"Agreed. I don't want to be even on a casual date with another woman, and I know I'd die with jealousy if I knew you were out with someone else."

"Don't worry, I won't be."

"Good. But will you go out with me? Can I wine and dine you even if we aren't quote/unquote dating?"

"I think we should keep our dates or whatever, more casual. Things people wouldn't be surprised about if they saw us out together."

"So lots of Remy's and the Haunt and maybe an occasional movie?"

"Yeah. And we can always hang out at one of our places now and then."

Rick waggled his eyebrows, "Ooooh, I think I like the sound of that."

"Back off Casanova. I think that particular aspect needs to hold off until we're actually together."

"So this isn't like a friends with benefits kinda thing then?"

Kate chuckled. "I guess that depends on what you consider a benefit. You'll get the benefit of sitting next to my desk every time you come in to the station!"

He nodded and bit back a smile. "Are you sure you're ready for that kind of commitment?"

"Oh shush!"

Rick grew serious and wrapped an arm around Kate's shoulder, pulling her near. "I can wait until we're both good and ready, before we start making sleeping arrangements. I don't want you to ever think I'm trying to pull you into my bed. This thing between us is so much more than going out and having fun and coming home for amazing sex. But I also want to show you how much I care. How much you effect me and draw me to you. I want to be able to kiss you during those times when we're alone, and to touch you now and then, whether its just holding your hand or snuggling you to my chest. I want you to be comfortable putting you hand on my knee when we're in the car or sitting on my lap when we watch movies at home. Is that going to be OK with you?"

"As long as we keep it professional at work, and on the down low around friends and family, I want that too, just lets do it slowly."

"Good, because after that kiss, I don't know that I could behave for too long if I didn't get to enjoy any contact with you."

"Yes you would."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Easy! I have a gun."

XXXXXXXXXXX

The rest of the morning, Kate and Rick spent together on the couch talking about nothing and everything at the same time. By noon they were both asleep with her legs draped over his. When they finally woke up, the late afternoon sun was beginning to set and Rick decided he needed to go home.

He lightly kissed her goodbye and then took his leave.

Now that she was alone, Kate recalled all that had happened over the last two days and didn't know whether to smile or cry. Nothing was going to be the same. _But that's a good thing_, she told herself. This was what she wanted.

That night, after throwing together a dinner of chicken and rice, Kate's phone buzzed. It was a text from Rick.

**Sorry if I got carried away. Let me know if there's too many.**

_What the heck did that mean?_

Just then, there was a knock on the door. Outside a delivery man waited with a dolly that held a wooden crate.

She opened the door.

"Miss Beckett?"

"Yes."

"Delivery from Mr. Castle. Where do you want it?"

Kate shrugged and pointed to a place by the door. After depositing his delivery, the man turned and left, closing the door behind him.

Kate bent over the wooden box trying to find a way in. Finally she gave up and got a flat head screwdriver to pry it open. Inside were more bricks of varying colors and sizes. One by one she removed them all until she had all thirty of them stacked on the floor.

_That man! I should be furious with him for sending over a ton of bricks, but how can I when I love him even more for it!_

She stood and looked around, wondering where she was going to put them, especially when she had the ones she ordered coming in a couple more days. When her eyes fell on the stairway that led to the locked roof door, she knew.

In less than an hour she had her new "gifts" artistically arranged into a free form type of bookcase, leading up the steps.

_Perfect!_

While admiring her work, she reached for her phone and began to type out a text.

**You can never tear down too many bricks. It was a big wall and I've lived with it too long. Thank you... for everything.**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N Well I know there was a lot of excitement for this chapter. I really hope it lived up to your expectations! I can't wait to hear what you have to say!**

**And now that I have this up, I can move my focus first to tonight's episode, and then to the next chapter which is still not completely written... Ahhhhh! Last week was just soooooooooooo busy! I apologize for the spastic outburst there. I just like to stay a couple chapters ahead!**

**So, hopefully I can get my act together and focus, so that by Thursday or Friday we see where our Casketty adventures take us!**

**Have a great night! Stay safe and have fun! Happy Halloween and more importantly Happy "Cops & Robbers" Castle Day! See you again in a couple days!  
><strong>


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"So what are your plans for Thanksgiving?" Rick asked before popping a fry into his mouth.

"I'm on call, and likely working round the clock. You know how the holidays are."

Castle and Beckett sat across from each other in a booth at Remy's. It was the second time they'd been out together since "the talk" two weeks before, and so far, keeping everything slow and casual was working out great. They hadn't shared any more kisses or even any quiet evenings alone, but that was fine with Kate, because that would be too much like a traditional dating couple. But what they did share were frequent little touches, and long looks laced with deep meanings that neither of them any longer shied away from.

Last week they started calling each other before bed, just to say goodnight. It was simple but very sweet. And that morning on the way to a bust, Rick placed his hand on her thigh while she drove, and then just before getting out, gently squeezed her leg, reminding her how much he cared. That was new, but she liked it and told him so, by copying the action when they were on the way back to the station.

"Well, we're doing our family meal right at noon, since Alexis will be with Ashley and his family for the rest of the day, so feel free to call me if you need a hand, or just want the company."

"You're an odd man. Most people wouldn't be so willing to give up a quiet evening at home with family, eating leftovers and watching a football game, to hang out with a cop and some possible corpses."

"You make my potential Thanksgiving plans sound much less depressing than they really are. By five o'clock, if I'm not with you, I'll likely be asleep on the couch in my underwear and robe, covered in pie crumbs. Like I said, Alexis will be gone by two at the latest. And Mother's current theater group is volunteering at a shelter from four that afternoon until, I don't know, like nine the next morning. I told her I'd be happy to go along, but she said their work roster was full and to just write a check instead. So I did. Now I have the rest of the night to myself."

"Sounds nice. I'd be grateful for such mundane plans. Last time I worked Thanksgiving, I had a guy who wasn't satisfied just carving a turkey, but decided to carve his sister and brother in law too. And all because he thought they were trying to poison him with the pecan pie they brought to dinner."

"Hey there you are!" Esposito's voice called out.

Beckett turned around to see the guys in the entrance of the diner brushing off a freshly acquired layer of snow from their coats.

When they approached them, Ryan smiled suspiciously. "You guys mind if we join you, or is this a dinner for two kinda thing?"

Castle questioned her with his eyes for half a second before waving them over. "No, just grabbing a bite to eat before heading back to finish things up."

Kate scooted against the wall and Castle followed suit on the opposite side of the table, making room for their friends to join thfrom no longer enjoying time alone with Rick.

Javier's large frame took up most of their side of the booth, when he sat down next to her.

He pointed to her plate. "You mind?"

Kate shook her head and handed him an onion ring.

"I thought you guys weren't hungry yet. What changed your mind?" Castle asked the boys after they placed their orders.

Ryan shuddered. "Gates just got out of her meeting and is on the prowl, and from the look on her face she's got a taste for fresh meat."

"So you ran away?" she asked.

"No!" Esposito rebutted with a laugh. "We didn't run! We implemented an evasive maneuver. Very different."

"I'm sure."

When the waitress delivered the two new plates of food a few minutes later, Rick caught Kate's attention and winked.

An unexplainable thrill of excitement washed over her, blooming a shy grin. Ryan noticed her reaction.

"What?" he asked.

"Hmmm?"

"You were smiling."

"Wow Ryan, alert the authorities! There might be smiles breaking out all over the city. We could have an epidemic on our hands." Beckett shot him a giant toothy grin to make a point then took another bite from her burger.

"Nuh uh." He shook his head. "It wasn't just any smile, it was different."

Castle suppressed a smirk so that he wouldn't get himself in trouble.

"Are you guys sure we aren't interrupting anything?" Esposito joined in. He was now studying them as closely as his partner was. "Cuz if we are, we can always take this to go, or grab another booth or something."

Beckett put her food down and turned slightly to look Kevin and then Javier in the eyes. "If you two need to move so that YOU can be alone, by all means, don't let me stop you. I think there's a romantic table for two in the corner."

"Funny!" Esposito threw back. "We just don't want to interrupt anything if its like...you know, a date or something."

Castle threw up his hands in the air and sighed. "You're right guys! You busted us. How will I ever recapture the romance now?"

Beckett laughed. "If you hadn't come in when you had, we would have cleared the table and made love right here."

Castle choked and grabbed his drink. Ryan looked a little repulsed and Esposito just shook his head. "Thanks. With that mental image, maybe I do need to go eat at another table."

Kate grabbed his bicep as he began to scoot out. "Sit. Eat your food. You didn't interrupt anything. I swear." She punctuated the order with a look that had all three men digging into their food.

Only after the conversation had turned to Ryan's wedding did Kate get the idea to return the flirtation Rick threw her way. Quietly, she slipped her stocking clad foot from its high black pump and moved it to Rick's large shoe. When he felt her, he looked up and met her eyes. Then she watched with amusement as his pupils dilated more and more as she ran her toes under the cuff of his pants and up his leg.

As soon as his lips began to twitch, she stole her foot back and slid it back into her shoe.

While taking a drink from her shake, she checked to see if the guys had noticed anything. Confident that they hadn't, she looked back at Rick. His cheeks were tinged pink and he was still staring at her, like he was going to devour her.

Her heart began to race at the prospect.

Needing a distraction, Kate looked at her watch. "It's already seven. If we're going to get home before midnight we better head back."

Ryan signaled the waitress for the checks.

When she brought them, Castle grabbed both slips of paper. "I've got it."

"Dude, that's nice, but you don't gotta do that." Esposito replied before the others had a chance to pipe up.

Castle reached out and covered Esposito's hand with his own. "But Javier, Dear, I thought this was a date. What kind of gentleman would I be if I didn't pick up the check?"

Esposito yanked his hand away, grabbed his jacket and stood. "You keep making comments like that, you'll be paying for more than a few burgers."

Castle turned to Beckett and smiled. "I may need to look into getting some police protection then."

"Hey, keep me out of it."

After the bill was settled, the four friends headed out into the snow and back to the grind.

XXXXXXXXXXX

November 19, 2001

Even though we haven't really taken our relationship to a decidedly higher level, the flirtatious comfort between Castle and I seems to be seeping into all aspects of out lives. Either that or I'm just more aware of what our friends have been teasing us about for years. I just feel like everyone knows, or at least that they think they know, that we're together.

Little comments and looks from the boys have become an almost daily occurrence now, and Lanie believes I'm holding out the juicy details of our secret affair from her. The thing is, we aren't dating, or even technically "together", but how can I convince others of that when sometimes I have a hard time remembering that myself?

I know the reigns are in my hands. If I want more all I have to do is say so. He's made is very clear that he's ready for whatever I'm ready for. And there are times like tonight, that my palms practically itch to pick up the phone and call him over. But I won't do that to either of us. It's not fair. This thing that we have, has so much potential, I refuse to reduce it to friends with benefits or the occasional booty call. I want it all, heart mind and body, but not until I can give as much as he can.

Kate's phone began to ring while she thought about what to write next. It was him.

"Hi," she answered sweetly.

"Hi to you too. Did you get home OK?"

"Yeah, it had even stopped snowing by that time. Did you get home before Alexis?"

"With time to spare. She's been home and already left again. Now I'm all alone."

"That's good. I mean, it's good that you were able to meet up with her, not that you're alone."

"You're right. It's not good that I'm alone." Rick's voice dropped considerably as he spoke.

Kate looked down to her journal to remind herself not to do something stupid.

"Rick..."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I promised to be patient, and I meant that. Its just not always easy."

"I know. Believe it or not Mr. Castle, you are not the only one who's tempted."

"Detective Beckett are you saying I tempt you?"

Kate could hear the smile in his voice. She swallowed and bit her lip while she figured out how to answer him. Maybe this was one of those opportunities to be completely honest.

"Yes Rick, you tempt me, and not just to smack you."

"I can't believe you just admitted that!"

"Just giving this whole open and honest thing a shot."

"Mmmmm I think I like that.."

"Why am I not surprised?"

Rick didn't respond right away, prompting Kate to ask if he was still there. He assured her he was and then added, "I wish you were here with me, Kate, in my arms. It's not even a sex thing. Yes, that would be awesome too, but right now I just wish I could hold you all night."

"As wonderful as that sounds. I think that's still a bad idea."

"Probably, but that doesn't mean a man can't dream, does it?"

"No, no it doesn't."

"Speaking of dreams, how have yours been lately. You only called me that once. It's been a couple weeks."

Kate was relieved to change topics. She knew in her heart that she was on the verge of inviting him over, just for his company. Or at least that's what she told herself.

"I've had some bad dreams but nothing major, definitely not like the time I called."

"Good. I'm glad. I don't think I've had one at all for a while, and if I did, I didn't remember it when I woke up."

"Must be nice. Maybe one day I'll get to see how that feels."

"I hope so."

Several heartbeats passed before he spoke again.

"Hey Kate?" She knew from the change in his voice that he was switching topics again. She just hoped it didn't go back to temptations and sleeping in his arms. "You're off tomorrow right?"

"Yeah, and Monday, but I see Dr. Burke that morning."

"Can I take you out, like out out? I promise nothing big or fancy. Nowhere that will catch the press's eye or that our friends will crash. Just out. With all the long hours lately, we didn't get to celebrate your birthday properly, and that's just not right."

"We had cake and Chinese with everyone at the station."

"I know but you're my, well we're, whatever we are, we should do something together, something personal. I want to spoil you a bit."

"You already bought me a Keurig machine and a life time supply of coffee."

"And you loved it!"

"Of course I love it, and I don't expect you to do anything else."

"I know you don't expect it, but that's not the point. Don't you want to celebrate with me?"

"I don't know. Do you think that's a good idea? The more we act like a normal dating couple, the harder it's going to be to pace ourselves. Like I said the other night, I'm happy with where we're at, and I'm not ready to move forward yet."

"I know and I respect that. I want to do this right too, but doesn't it kinda seem like we've already waited a life time for everything to line up? I'm not inviting you into my bed, yet. I just want to spend some time alone with you."

The fact that Rick added a "yet" to the end of the statement concerning his bed, accelerated Kate's heartbeat again, and completely distracted her from the main focus of their conversation.

"OK. You're right. There's nothing wrong with going on a birthday date, we'll go out for a real date sooner or later anyway, why put it off any longer?"

"Great. Your excitement overwhelms me."

"Sorry, that did sound bad. Let me try again. Yes, Rick I'd love to go out with you. What time and what should I wear?"

"Much better. How about I bring some food over to your place around five thirty, then we can head out afterward."

"And my attire?"

"Hmmmmmmm," he hummed. "Classic but comfortable. I want to take you to a little club I know of called Rhapsody. They feature different jazz, blues, or swing bands. That kinda thing. Not sure who's playing tomorrow, but there's always dancing."

Kate walked to her closet and drew out a garment bag.

"Nice. I know just what to wear. I bought this dress last year and haven't worn it yet, but it should be perfect."

"I can't wait to see you in it then."

The butterflies returned to her stomach.

"Well since we've got big plans now, we should probably get some sleep."

"Yes Dear," he quipped.

"Don't call me that."

"Why not?"

"We are not an old married couple." _Yet_, she added mentally. _Where do these thoughts keep coming from!_

"Fine! Goodnight Kate."

"Night Rick! See you tomorrow."

XXXXXXXXXXX

November 20, 2011

This is ridiculous. I feel fifteen all over again. I swear I haven't been this anxious to go on a date since high school. I have no reason to be this nervous... its Castle! I see him almost everyday. He's my best friend. My stomach really needs to calm down.

He should be here in a half hour and I'm so excited that I've been dressed and ready for over an hour and if he ever found out about all this I think I would die of embarrassment.

Is it completely sad that all I can think about is dancing in his arms tonight?

I know we've agreed to take things slow, and looking at the big picture I know it's the right thing to do, but it's harder than I imagined it would be. After three years of... well of everything we've been through, and now that we're sort of dating and I know that he loves me... more than a small part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and just dive in with him.

Thankfully up to this point, one of us has always been able to remain clear headed, but it's only been a few weeks and we really haven't even truly dated yet. How much longer can we keep ourselves grounded?

I know that until I can resolve my past, the future isn't really open, but can I come to terms with my past without solving my mom's murder? Realistically, as much as I hate to admit it, that may never happen, and I don't want lose out in life and love because I can't let go. That's part of what scares me. If things were different, well then everything would be different, wouldn't they?

I know Castle says he can wait for me to bring my walls down, but I don't know that either of us can live up to that kind of promise.

No, I need to stop thinking myself into these circles. Right now I need to take one day at a time and enjoy what I've got. And today I've got a fantastic man taking me out for a wonderful date that once again I'm anxiously awaiting.

Kate closed her journal and put it away. Sometimes all this thinking just got her into trouble. It always seemed to make her want to either run into Rick's arms and never let go, or away from him and never let him catch up to her.

She went back out into the main room and looked over the table one more time. Everything looked great. All she needed to do now was light the candles.

As she watched the two dancing flames flicker, she questioned if it was too much. Maybe all this was too much. Maybe she should try to keep this casual. But before she could change her mind, Rick was knocking at her door.

Taking one last glance in the mirror and then a deep breath, she opened the door.

Castle tried to speak but his mouth moved without the words coming.

He took a long appreciative look at her, from head to toe and back again, and still said nothing.

"Hi!" she offered self consciously, but still thrilled that he seemed to enjoy her 1940's style knee length black dress that gathered at the side of her waist with a small gray sash.

"Kate, you look exquisite."

"Thank you. You look very handsome yourself." And he did. He wore a black suit with a black pinstripe shirt and black fedora that made him look like Humphrey Bogart.

Finally regaining some of his wits, he finally handed her the bouquet of roses he carried and stepped inside far enough for her to be able to close the door. His eyes never left her. "Happy Birthday, again."

Kate breathed in the scent of the flowers before leading the way to the kitchen for a vase. Rick followed close behind her, pausing only briefly to put the bags of take out on the chair. When she turned around to put the flowers on the table he was so close that she bumped into him, causing them both to laugh nervously.

He took the vase from her and placed it between the candles and then turned back to her and rested a hand on her hip.

She could see the fire in his eyes and knew he was struggling to hide his desire, which only stoked hers even more.

"Forgive me," he whispered as he gently pulled her closer.

The kiss was white hot with the fire of passion that burned between them. And despite how it consumed her, the two voices of her conscience warred loudly in her head. One half of her brain warned her to stop before she had a list of regrets to deal with, while the other half told her this was she had waited so long for, not to let it go.

Eventually the responsible side won out as usual, and she finally broke the kiss.

Rick stepped back, allowing the cool air of her apartment to fill the void between their warm bodies. "I know I shouldn't have done that. But I couldn't not kiss you."

"Trust me, you have nothing to apologize for. But I think maybe we need to cool off a bit. Can I get you something to drink? Would you like some wine?"

"With dinner. Right now I could just use a glass of ice water."

Kate noticed something as he spoke that made her smile. "Two ice waters coming right up."

She took a pair of glasses from the cupboard and filled them. But then grabbed a napkin, dipped it in one glass and stepped close to Rick again.

As she lifted the damp cloth to his face, she bit her lip, concentrating as she wiped the red smudges from his mouth.

When she was finished, she stepped back and grinned. "Cinnamon Fetish, just isn't your shade, Rick."

"Who cares, if that's how you're applying it!"

Thoughts that she couldn't dwell on at the moment popped into her head, causing her cheeks to flush slightly.

"I think, we should probably eat before the food gets cold."

"Good idea."

For the next hour, the two were truly a couple as they dined on pesto chicken, bruschetta, roasted veggies and wine. They laughed and talked and flirted. They watched each other over the candles and smiled into each others' eyes. It was so nice they hesitated to let it end.

When all the food was done and their wine glasses empty, Rick stood and started clearing the table.

"No, Rick don't. I'll get to this in the morning."

"You sure?"

"Positive. Let me go freshen up and we can head out."

Once in her room, Kate stared at herself in the mirror. She almost didn't recognize her reflection. It wasn't the retro glossy waves held back with the silver hair comb or the new form fitting dress that threw her off, it was the warm glow from her face that surrounded her like an aura. She was the picture of a woman in l..., in a great relationship with a great guy. And she couldn't ever remembered looking so happy.

Quickly she readjusted the hair comb and touched up her makeup, before grabbing her red clutch and returning to Rick.

She found him standing at the bottom of the steps looking at her make shift brick and staircase bookshelves.

"Ready if you are."

He must have been deep in thought because he startled slightly when she spoke.

"I didn't realize how many bricks I'd sent you. This looks great."

"Well I bought some too, you know... for personal accomplishments."

"Really?"

She nodded, unsure how he felt about it.

"That's great. We keep doing this together and you won't have a wall, but you will have enough bricks that we'll be able to build a house!"

Kate knew that Rick didn't mean anything by his statement, but the thought of building something permanent, something for the future, with Rick, left Kate both in shock and with a wanting that was new to her. _Maybe we really will have a future together._

She smiled for fear of what she might say and held her arm out for him to escort her to the door. There would be time to think on this later. Right now they had a evening of music and dancing in store.

XXXXXXXXXXX

It was a little past midnight when the band announced it's last set. Kate was surprised to feel so let down by the news, but the night had just been so perfect she didn't want it to end.

Rick returned to their table carrying two vodka cranberries. When he sat down, he pulled his chair close to hers and draped his arm around her shoulders.

"So, are you enjoying yourself?" he asked near her ear.

His warm breath tickled, making her smile.

"Immensely. Thank you for bringing me here. I hope we can do it again."

"Any time."

Kate leaned into Rick's side and sipped her drink as they watched the band play and the couples dance. Tonight the theme had been the great crooners of the Big Band Era, and it didn't disappoint. All the musicians were fantastic and the ambiance was magical. Kate felt like she'd been taken back to a time from long before she even existed.

They sat side by side for several songs, just relaxing and enjoying the atmosphere, but when they announced the last song, Rick stood and took her hand, lightly tugging her to the dance floor.

Kate had kicked her high red heels off more than an hour earlier and now that he pulled her to his chest, she was glad for the height difference being barefoot created. She wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her cheek on his shoulder. He felt wonderful pressed to her body and the scent of his cologne intoxicated her.

She was so taken in by the moment that she missed the opening chords to one of her favorite songs. But when the singer's smooth tenor voice began to sing, the words made their own magic.

"When I fall in love, it will be forever,  
>Or I'll never fall in love.<br>In a restless world like this is,  
>Love is ended before its begun.<br>And too many moonlight kisses  
>Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun."<p>

Together they moved as one, swaying to the music. Kate felt like she was floating on a cloud.

When I give my heart, it will be completely,  
>Or I'll never give my heart.<br>And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too,  
>Is when I fall in love with you."<p>

With one hand, Rick ran his finger along her bare skin just above the zipper at the back of her dress. With the other, he gently massaged the small of her back.

"And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too,  
>Is when I fall in love with you."<p>

When the music faded away and the other couples began leave, Kate tried to step away, but Rick held her tight, still swaying to the music in his head. She just smiled and continued to dance with him, cheek to chest.

"You're right." Rick whispered.

"'Bout what?"

"All the songs do make sense."

She took a sharp breath in and moved so that she could look him in the eyes. She had been thinking the same thing but couldn't admit it just yet. It would be like confessing her love. Instead she closed her eyes and tipped her lips up to meet his.

Sometime during the kiss the band began playing again softly, allowing the couple on the floor their moment. So that was where they stayed, letting the gentle notes move them. By the time they took any notice that they were completely alone. The club's staff had most of the tables and chairs cleaned up and were closing down for the night.

Kate felt embarrassed that they could be so lost in each other that they failed to notice all that went on around them. Rick had no such qualms, but he did give the band and staff generous tips for their time.

When he walked her to her door that night, Kate mentally debated with herself over inviting him to stay. _Would it be a mistake?_

After turning on the light in her living room she turned back to Castle.

"Rick, thank you for everything. It was, amazing."

"You're welcome. I'm just glad you let me treat you the way you deserve to be treated."

An awkward silence filled the room as they both pondered the possibilities.

Rick took a step toward her, all the while staring at her parted lips. "It's late. I need to get going."

Kate expected to feel relief, to know he wasn't expecting anything, but instead she was met with disappointment. She didn't want to be alone.

"Tonight, as special as it was, isn't the night."

"No. I know." She didn't sound convincing even to herself. "Slow and steady."

"Slow and steady. Let's just enjoy the journey. It's an amazing view," he said as he looked her over.

He needed to stop doing that, or she would certainly throw all caution to the wind.

Rick leaned over and kissed her goodnight. It was slow. It was sweet. It curled her toes.

"Goodnight Kate."

"Good night Rick."

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N So, now you have another chapter! Hope you enjoyed it. It gave me warm fuzzies writing it!**

**I'm so glad to see that so many of you are so excited by the use of bricks in this fic. I don't even know how the idea came to me, it just did one day while washing dishes! LOL! That's usually when I get my best ideas, while doing boring housework, or taking a shower or trying to fall asleep...all really inconvenient times, and then I just hope to remember them by the time I can get back to my computer!**

**Also I continue to be humbled by your kind words. All your encouraging reviews, PMs, Tweets, and emails, have helped me plow through two more chapters for next week. (And if my Beta's reaction was any indicator, I think you'll really enjoy both of them). So thank you to each and every one of you!**

**As an added disclaimer, along with all the Castle characters and episode references, I also do not own any part of Nat King Cole's "When I Fall In Love", except for the mp3!**

**Have a wonderful weekend!**

**See you on Monday!**

**Until then, happy reading,**

**DeBo81**

**P.S. if you haven't seen the great graphic my friend Teelduo made for this fic, check out my profile, there should be a link to it!  
><strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello! Due to the expected craziness of life tomorrow, I'm posting tonight instead. I'm sure you don't mind :)**

**Anyway, before you read this, I feel it's own fair to give you a warning. My BETA choked while reading this due to her laughing. She's fine, but please, for your health and welfare, prepare accordingly. I am not responsible for any bodily harm, public embarrassment, or other incidents invoked due to emotional outbursts during fic reading! Thank you and happy reading!**

Chapter 7

Kate sat in the soft leather chair that after so many months, she now found safe and comfortable. Dr. Burke was running late due to an emergency but would be in soon, so in the mean time, Kate's just closed her eyes and let the memories of the night before play like a movie in her mind.

Between the comfort of the chair and the happiness of the memories, she soon nodded off and didn't hear her therapist enter the room until he called her name.

"Kate," he repeated.

Kate startled awake and almost spilled the coffee cup she was clutching.

"Sorry. I didn't meant to frighten you."

"No, I'm fine. I didn't realize I'd fallen asleep."

"Another rough night?" he asked, pen poised over his note pad.

"Um, no. Not at all."

"Well that's good. Care to expand on that?"

Kate looked down to her travel mug. Even if all her thoughts this morning, weren't already focusing on Castle, her drink would have brought him to mind. "Last week was my birthday, Rick took me out last night to celebrate."

"Happy birthday."

"Thanks."

"So you and Rick are continuing to advance your relationship? Last time we spoke, you'd talked with him but weren't really dating. Has that status changed?"

She unconsciously narrowed her eyes as she thought how to word her answer. "I wouldn't say the status has changed. We're trying not to label this, and we're still taking things slow, but we've gotten closer."

"In what way?"

If Kate could have seen herself in a mirror at that moment, she would have been shocked to see that the rosy glow from the night before was back in full force. "We aren't sleeping together or anything like that, but we've become more, hmmmm. I guess more intimate would be the right word. But it's all little things, casual touches, heated looks, shared moments. I don't know that I can even explain it. I don't feel like I'm giving it justice."

"You seem happy."

"I am."

"That's good. Do you feel like the wall we've talked about, has gotten smaller, or more penetrable?"

The question burst Kate's euphoric bubble, reminding her of the realistic hurdles she still had to face.

"Yes and no. Yes, we've made progress, but it's nowhere near down."

Dr. Burke nodded and scribbled on the legal pad he had balanced on his knee. "Are you still collecting bricks?"

"Yes."

"Any new ones since our last meeting?"

"Three, but all from the same incident. Let's see, about three days after my last appointment we got a new case. It was a middle aged mother, stabbed in the abdomen and dumped in a dumpster behind the hotel where she worked as a housekeeper. I had to tell her family. She had two kids, an eighteen year old son and a sixteen year old daughter. Her husband was sucking down a bottle of whiskey to drown his pain before we even left. Needless to say, it all struck a few raw nerves."

"Understandably."

"I threw myself into this case. I had to be able to give her family answers. I knew how important it was for them to know the truth no matter how awful it might be. I didn't go home for three days. Ryan and Esposito started avoiding me. Lanie got mad that I cancelled a night out we'd been planning, cuz I was supposed to be off. Gates threatened to have me escorted home and Castle, well he hovered over me the entire time and acted every bit the mother hen. Finally, my body just started shutting down so he took me home, got me to take a sleeping pill and then slept on my couch for the next sixteen hours while I slept, just in case I needed him. I was so mad when I found out, but in reality, it was very sweet. He knew how hard it all was on me, and just let it roll off his shoulders. When we went back in, my head was clear and things finally began falling in place and we got our killer. Mrs. O'Dell was killed by the wife of the night clerk because she believed they were having an affair, when in reality he had hired Mrs. O'Dell to make a custom quilt for her for Christmas, and they had spent some time together after work, picking out fabric and designing the pattern. Such a waste."

"Did you or Castle get the bricks?

"He did, but only two at first. After leaving work that evening, he told me how worried he'd been for me while working a case so similar to my mom's. He said he was really nervous that it would set me back, so because it didn't, we stopped at a garden center and each picked one out new brick, and then he insisted on paying." Kate rolled her eyes before continuing. "Then I dropped him off and went home."

I thought that because the case was wrapped up, I would be able to move on, I mean we already celebrated my mental health with the bricks, but it stayed with me. And since I wasn't nearly as exhausted anymore, the dreams came. I just relived the night my mom was killed, over and over, until I finally got up and called Rick."

Dr. Burke continued taking notes, but didn't say anything so she kept talking.

"I think I told you that we agreed to call each other if the nightmares became a problem. He'd called once, and now I've called once."

"Did talking with him help?"

"Yeah. He got me to talk about some of the happy memories I had with my mom instead. We talked for three hours. The sun was already coming up by the time we hung up. Luckily I didn't have to be in early the next day."

"And that's why he gave you the third brick?"

"Yeah, when I was getting ready to go to the station he showed up at my door with a latte in one hand and a paper bag containing a bear claw and a brick in the other."

"And are you continuing to have the nightmares?"

"No, well not like that one night. Bad dreams happen once in a while, but normally I can get through them. That night, it was just too much."

"Do you feel like you're coping better with your anxiety since we've been talking?"

"I think so."

"What makes you come to that conclusion?"

Kate finished off the coffee in her cup and thought back over the last weeks and months. "I don't feel as defensive or anxious. I feel like I can relax more, especially in situations with friends or family, where I have no real reason to be so... rigid."

"That's a major accomplishment, and not an easy one at that. It's good that you recognize your progress. Sometimes focusing on a goal can seem daunting and unattainable, but when you look back and see how far you've already come, it can make reaching the goal feel more within reach."

She bobbed her head as he spoke, understanding exactly was he was saying.

The last ten minutes of their session, Dr Burke worked with Kate on some relaxation techniques to help her remain calm and focused when feeling anxious.

By the time Kate left his office, she was feeling alive and in control.

XXXXXXXXXXX

By four o'clock Thanksgiving afternoon, Kate was ready to call Castle in, out of shear boredom. So far, the holiday had been eerily quiet. She knew the shoe would drop soon, but until it did, she had nothing to do. She'd already sent Ryan and Esposito home. They remained on call but there was no need for all three of them sit around staring at each other and they had families at home who would be happy to have them home. Since someone had to stay at the station and her only family was in Philadelphia for the weekend, it was an easy decision.

Kate kicked off her shoes, leaned back in her chair and propped her feet on her desk. It wasn't something that she'd normally do, but at the moment, she was the only person in the bullpen, so she took the liberty. Other departments had been unusually busy and thus all out on calls. Narc, Burglery, and Vice all had cases, but for once, Homicide was quiet, at least for the moment.

She took her cell phone off her desk and scrolled over to her Words with Friends app. Currently she was beating Ryan, Esposito and Lanie, but Rick was beating her but by only seventeen points. She pulled up their game and stared at the letters. J, A, O, P, I, N, and Z. Kate tried several combinations but never came up with the point boost she was looking for.

The sound of the elevator arriving, caught Kate's attention. She put both her feet and her phone down and attempted to look busy. When the door opened she watched to see who would step out. It was Castle.

"Wow I've never seen this place so dead." He said as he strolled toward her.

"It's a rarity."

"No cases?"

"Not yet, but I know it won't last. I kinda just wish a body would hurry and drop because I have a feeling the longer we wait, the worse it will be when it does happen."

"You should have called. I could have brought cards or something." He took off his coat, placed an over sized thermal bag on her desk and sat in his seat.

"I was not going to drag you out on rainy Thanksgiving to sit and be bored with me."

"Like you'd be bored with me! I'm the life of the party. Everybody says so."

Kate smiled and shook her head as she reached for the bag. "Don't forget, humble too."

"Of course."

"So what did you bring me?" She asked as she began removing containers and placing them on her desk.

"Leftovers. Let see, there's white cheddar garlic mashed potatoes, grilled asparagus, cranberry relish, sourdough biscuits, toasted marshmallow covered sweet potato mousse, baked apples, cornbread stuffing, pumpkin pie and last but not least, turducken!"

"Are you serious? Turducken?"

"Please tell me you've have turducken."

"No, I haven't."

"Tragic. What would you do without me?"

"I'm not going to answer that right now. Is this is all from today? Did you make it?"

"We all did, Alexis, Mother and I."

Kate began opening containers, everything smelled divine.

Rick grabbed a plate and some silverware from the bag and handed it to her. Dig in, I'll go nuke it for you."

"Aren't you going to eat with me?"

"I'm stuffed, really. But when you get to the pie, I'll have a slice with you."

"Are you sure? You brought enough to feed an army."

"Well I didn't know who would be here. I wanted to make sure that I at least had enough for you and the guys."

Kate didn't have to be told twice. The turkey croissant she'd had at noon had been dry and not very filling, so she was more than ready for a real meal. Before long, her plate was filled and Rick took it to the lounge.

When he returned to his seat he took another look around. "Where are the guys?"

"On call at home. No reason all three of us had to sit here twiddling our thumbs."

"You big softie. What would Gates say?"

"Who cares. She's not here."

"No she's not. And neither is anyone else."

Kate noticed the sparkle in his eyes as he looked around. She could practically see him scheming and wasn't sure if she wanted to ask about what.

"You know, since it's just you and me, we could really have some fun while we wait around."

Kate choked on the bite of biscuit she had just put in her mouth and had to grab for her bottle of water. "Excuse me?"

"Well I didn't quite mean what you're thinking, but that could be fun too. So tell me Detective, have you ever made out in a holding cell or had sex on the table of the interrogation room?"

"No way! Are you crazy?"

"Would you like too?"

The blush of red creeping up from Kate's collar told more truth than her shaking head did.

"Are you sure? It might be fun," he teased.

"Right, even if we were doing that kind of thing in the privacy of one of our homes, I wouldn't do that here. If someone caught us, it could cost us both of our careers."

Rick pouted, but she knew it wasn't sincere. The laughter in his eyes was too easy of a tell.

"Then how about a little kiss at your desk? Surely that wouldn't do any harm."

Kate swallowed the sweet potatoes in her mouth and looked around again. They shouldn't. Really, they shouldn't. But it was tempting, and delightfully naughty in a way. Plus, there really was no one else on the floor. _Not a soul would know. What could it hurt?_

Slowly, she rolled her chair so that she was directly in front of Rick. He smiled as his attention flicked to her mouth and then back to her eyes. As they stared at each other, they moved closer and closer until they met each other in the middle.

At first, the kiss was very chaste, but the longer they stayed together, the deeper it grew. At some point, though she didn't really noticed when, he pulled her from her chair and into his lap. She ran her hands through his hair and he let his fingers trail up and down her spine, through the thin material of her blouse.

When the elevator dinged, Kate flew off Rick's lap just as Esposito stepped out.

As soon as he saw them he chuckled knowingly. "Busted!"

"What are you doing back here?" Kate asked defensively.

"What am I doing here? I came back to let you go home for a while, maybe catch a nap or something. The real question is, what are you two doing? I didn't know Castle was coming in today."

Castle stammered for an answer. "I, uh, just brought Kate, um Beckett, some dinner."

"Looked more like dessert to me." Esposito grinned.

"I don't know what you're talking about. We were just sitting and talking." Kate tried again.

"No. I know talking, and that wasn't talking. I've talked to a lot of people and it rarely required me to be on their lap to do it. Besides, you're hair is messed up and you're both flushed. No, I know exactly what was going on, and it wasn't eating dinner or talking."

Kate knew there was no way to lie their way out of it so she changed tactics.

"If you tell anyone about this, I will make you're life a living hell, and I mean anyone, especially Ryan or Lanie."

Castle piped up before Esposito could answer. "Why would he tell Lanie, I thought they broke up?"

"Dude, its complicated." Esposito told Castle before returning to Beckett. "I don't know, Becks. This is pretty juicy, you and Castle were getting your mack on at your desk. That's big, and you're asking me to keep it from my partner. I might need some type of incentive."

"What do you want?"

"Didn't you get U2 tickets for next month?"

"Are you serious?" she scoffed in disbelief.

Javier pulled out his phone. "No you're right. U2 tickets are a big deal. Don't worry, I'll only tell Ryan, and I know he wouldn't tell a soul!"

"Fine! You can have the tickets. But if you tip anyone off, even a hint, you pay me double what I paid for those tickets."

"My lips are sealed. And from the lipstick on the side of Castle's mouth there, I guess that makes one of us!"

Kate was annoyed. She picked up a pencil from her desk and threw it at Esposito, who easily dodged it.

"I really hate you right now."

"You shouldn't. You know how much I would win in the pool if I chose to cash in on this?"

"There's another pool?" Castle asked.

"No Bro, there's _still_ a pool. Same one. You've kept folks hanging for a while now. I'm just glad to see it's finally happened."

"I'm sure."

"Nah, I'm serious. I'm really happy for you guys. It's about time."

Kate crossed her arms over her chest and glared at her friend.

"So, exactly how long has it been?"

Kate sat down at her desk and refused to answer, but Castle was so excited to finally have someone to share his happy news with, that he spilled the beans.

"Since the bank robbery. So only a couple weeks. But it's new and we're taking it slow, so don't jump to conclusions."

"Slow right. That's exactly what I'd call making out in the middle of the bullpen."

Castle gave his buddy a warning look. "Man don't give me that. Two months ago you were bragging about the encounter you and Lanie had in the Coroner's van."

Kate's looked at both men in disbelief, but focused on her fellow detective. "You told him about that? Lanie will kill you."

Esposito, looked uncomfortable. "Well apparently I wasn't the only one talking about it, if you know."

"That's different. Women tell each other everything."

"Everything huh? Then how come Lanie doesn't know about this?" he asked as he wagged a finger between Castle and Beckett.

"Oh shut up!" Kate exclaimed. She was completely thrown off her game, and she wanted out. She shoved her plate across her desk toward Javier. "You want this? I'm not hungry anymore."

He immediately picked it up and dug in. "Mmmmmm this is good."

"Wonderful. You just enjoy that. I'm leaving. Call me when we get a body."

Kate packed up her things and put her coat on.

"You coming or staying?" she asked Castle.

"Dude, if you stay, I will not play tonsil hockey with you." Esposito chimed in.

"Thank goodness." Castle with exaggerated disgust, stood and pulled on his coat as well. "I drove today, so if you want, I can give you a ride home."

Esposito smiled evilly and looked like he was about to add a comment, but the matching looks of death from his friends sobered him.

"Thanks, I appreciate it."

Together Castle and Beckett headed toward the elevator and just before steeping in, Kate turned back one more time. "Remember, not a word."

She saw Esposito make the motion of locking his lips just before the doors closed.

"I'm sorry, Kate. I shouldn't have..."

"Stop. Don't apologize. You didn't force me to participate. It shouldn't have happened but it did and now it's over. Let's just let it drop."

Rick squeezed her hand briefly and then stepped away before the doors opened again on the main floor.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate knew it wouldn't last. Holidays just didn't pass by without someone getting killed.

She looked at the car's clock as she sped toward Castle's loft. Even at one thirty in the morning he was excited and ready to join her on the case. And from the few details Ryan had given her, Castle would love this one.

When she pulled up in front of his building, Rick dashed through the rain, to her car.

As soon as he was in, she handed him a travel mug.

"You brought me coffee?" he asked as they pulled out into the street.

"Yes, thanks to my wonderful new coffee maker, it takes no time at all. And now we don't need to make a stop."

He sipped the hot brew slowly and the let out an appreciative sigh. "Perfect! Thank you."

"No problem, after all the coffee you've brought me over the years, it's the least I could do."

She reached over and placed her gloved hand on his thigh, which he laced his fingers with.

After another drink from his cup, he turned to watch her while she drove. "You said this latest case is something completely new. I need details."

"We're headed to the Shop-Mart."

"Ooooh, Black Friday shopping gone bad?"

"To say the least. According to Ryan, our victim was found in a portable display that was opened in the middle of a mob of crazed shoppers. The employee that opened it, saw the body fall out, but apparently some or most of the customers didn't and the victim was trampled for a while before the employees could get things under control."

"You're kidding me. That's so going in one of my books."

"Yeah well get your excitement out here, cuz I hear the scene is a disaster."

When Beckett entered the giant store with her shadow following, she knew Castle was in his element. Cops, some of which were in riot gear were dealing with hundreds of retail bargain hunters who appeared to be varied from shock to fear to anger. Ryan and Esposito were in the snack bar taking statements from employees. Cheery Christmas music blared over the sound system, and hundreds if not thousands of bloody footprints dotted the white tile floors for as far as they could see.

"Watch where you step." She cautioned Rick. "Everything is evidence."

Before they could go any further, Ryan spotted them and carefully picked his way through the mess toward them.

"Where's our vic?" Beckett asked as soon as he was within ear shot.

He handed them some booties to put over their shoes as he spoke. "Just down this aisle in toys. But, here, let me take you this way, it's the long way around, but there's less evidence to step on."

Together the three walked through apparel and past electronics, around through home goods and back toward the front of the store to toys.

In the middle of the main aisle was a large cardboard display, which was half knocked over and completely surrounded with red footprints, shopping cart tracks and discarded "e-Zoo" toys.

When they got closer, and the body came into view, Kate had to take a deep breath. The young woman's features were barely recognizable. Most likely every bone in her body had been broken in the stampede.

"Are we sure she was dead before being trampled?" Castle asked.

"Most likely. She has two GSW's to her left chest and the blood pool in the bottom of the display indicates she'd bled out long before it was opened." Lanie announced as she stood up from behind the display. I haven't taken a liver temp yet, because I just got here myself, but frankly from the way she looks, I seriously doubt her liver is even in the right place, and under the circumstances, determining lividity is virtually impossible."

"How did people not see her and know they were stepping on some poor woman?" Castle asked in disbelief.

"Mob mentality. Even if some people did notice, there was a good chance that the crowd pressed in, not allowing them to do anything about it. In all honesty I hope she was dead earlier, because this is not the way you want to go," Kate stated sadly.

The team worked the scene for hours, acquiring statements, security footage and collecting evidence. The CSUs would be busy for possibly days.

Ryan, Esposito, Castle and Beckett all sat around Ryan's desk as they ate lunch and compared notes. "So Kaylee Mitchell was a twenty seven year old NYU grad student who has worked at Shop-Mart during the holidays for the last three years. She's single and her known family all seem to live in Lincoln Nebraska. So far, we don't have any known enemies or motive. Her supervisor, Donovan Williams said she was supposed to work from nine to five, yesterday, stocking, but the last time he saw her was around three thirty. She seemed upset and since they were ahead of schedule, he told her she could take off at four, since she was supposed to be back at eleven for the midnight opening. We have no reports of anyone seeing her after Williams, until fellow co-worker, Greg Newhouse, cut the packing tape from the display at midnight. He reported that he saw something fall out but wasn't sure what because he was immediately surrounded by shoppers. It was when one customer picked up an "eZoo" box covered in blood that he realized it had been a person. He grabbed someone's cart and used it to push people out of the way until he found her. Williams has alibied out, because he was with fellow coworkers the entire time from before noon until after the store's opening. And Newhouse's story was corroborated by several witnesses," Kate said in review.

"Well then most likely she was killed in the store and dumped in the display. Have all the employees been accounted for and questioned?" Esposito asked.

Ryan answered. "All the employees who were working the opening have been. Haven't noticed any red flags there. We're still tracking down more employees that worked during the stocking period but who weren't in for the opening. Two are people of interest. The first is twenty nine year old AJ Meraski,a year round employee, who dated Kaylee last year. And according to fellow co-workers, wasn't happy to see Kaylee come back this year. But he has no record and is described as a really nice guy. The other is forty one year old Ken Sanfrantello. He's part of store security. His record is clean but in two separate incidents his ex called the cops on him for domestics, but never pressed charges."

"Ohhhh. My gut tells me Ken might be involved, either that or that I shouldn't have had that second Philly Cheesesteak." Castle quipped.

"Well I agree with your gut on both accounts." Beckett answered. "Why don't we go pay Mr. Sanfrantello a visit."

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N So I hope you enjoyed this as much as my BETA! It was a fun one to write... and very little like I had planned, but I'm OK with that because I like it.**

**And of course this is where I want to let you know how grateful I am for all the feedback! It really makes me feel the love.**

**Have a great week! I should have another chapter up Thursday or Friday, so I'll see you again then!**

**Goodnight!**

**DeBo81  
><strong>


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The drive to Sanfrantello's place took twice as long as it should have, but the weather was awful and getting worse by the minute, as New York City got pounded by a raging nor'easter. If the temperatures continued to drop as predicted, the city could be under inches of ice or snow in a matter of hours.

After twenty five minutes of speaking with Ken, Kate didn't feel any more comfortable with the man's claimed innocence, but also didn't have any distinct leads to follow either.

Beckett thanked the gentleman for his time and then left the old rundown apartment with Rick on her tail.

"He's hiding something." Castle announced once they were away from the suspect's door.

"I get that feeling too, but what? Nothing in his answers clued me in."

"I know. He's good."

The elevator door slid slowly open, creaking as it moved.

Both Castle and Beckett entered. Kate pushed the button and waited while the door slowly slid shut again.

"I love these old buildings." Castle stated while he fingered the ornate woodwork of the elevator car. "One day I'd like to buy one and restore it."

"Martha would love getting her hands on that project."

"I know, it's part of why I haven't done it yet. She'll end up costing me twice as much."

Kate laughed, but it quickly died when the power blinked twice, causing the car to shudder.

Before either could speak, they were plunged into complete darkness and the car free fell down the shaft for a long second or two. When it came to an abrupt stop, Kate was thrown into Rick, knocking them both to the floor.

"You OK?" they both asked simultaneously.

"I twisted my ankle," Kate answered. "You?"

"Bumped my head on something. It might be bleeding."

"Here let me help you sit up, and I'll look at it."

Carefully, Kate rolled to her side so she could help Rick sit up. When they were both settled, she took out her phone and used it as a flash light.

Sure enough, a small but deep gash on the side of his forehead oozed a generous trail of blood down his temple and cheek.

"Yup, and it may need stitches. Here hold my phone while I look for something to put on that."

Castle took the phone and pointed it everywhere she indicated. She didn't have much with her and eventually decided she was going to have to rip the bottom of her shirt off to use as a bandage.

"Do you have a pocket knife with scissors or anything like that?" Kate asked.

He fumbled in his pocket for a moment before withdrawing a small multi-purpose tool. "Will this do?"

Kate was already taking off her coat and untucking her top. "Perfect, thanks. Now if you give me the light, I'll hold it and I'll need you to cut the bottom three or four inches off my shirt."

"What! No way. I'm not letting you cut up your shirt for this little scratch."

To prove his point, Rick wiped his head, but was surprised to see it covered in his blood.

"OK, so it's more than a scratch, but don't mess up you're shirt. Lets use my undershirt."

"You think you can get it off?"

"I think I can manage. Here, hold this."

Kate took the phone and watched as Rick slowly removed his coat and unbuttoned his shirt. When he tried to take it off though, he swayed.

"Here let me help you. Are you dizzy?"

"Just when I move." He smiled through his honesty.

Together they slid the shirt off his long arms, until he was slumped against the wall in just his jeans and snowy white t shirt.

"I don't think we're going to be able to get your tee over your head."

"Just cut it off."

Kate hesitated as her pulse began to race. Up until this point, adrenaline had been guiding her, but now all her feminine hormones took over.

She gave him the phone again and took the multi-tool, then fumbled with it's gadgets until she found the scissors. Before beginning, she cleared her head and took a deep breath.

Rick moved the phone and held it so that she could see what she was doing.

Her hands were shaking as she gathered the hem of his shirt, which was warm from the heat of his body.

With quick but precise cuts, she split the fabric into two halves, exposing his tanned chest. When she got to the thicker fabric at the collar she had to rise up on her knees and hover over his body to get the leverage she needed.

"You know Kate, this wasn't exactly how I pictured you taking my clothes off for the first time..."

_Me either_, she commiserated silently.

"I always figured it would involve more ripping and less cutting."

She tried her hardest to ignore him. "Speaking of cutting, I'm going to cut you if you don't stop moving."

"Sorry."

"There. Can you sit up a bit so we can just slide this off your shoulders?"

He complied. And soon her fingers were sliding across his skin as she removed the shirt.

Despite the low light, she could see his body respond with goosebumps, although she wasn't sure if it was from the cool air hitting his skin, or her touch. Either way, she liked what she saw, not that she was going to tell him that. At least not here and not now.

"May... maybe we should get your other shirt back on, you're going to get cold." she stuttered, then mentally kicked herself for losing her cool.

He didn't answer or reach for his dress shirt. Instead he took her hand and brought it back to his chest, to his heart.

Under his pebbled skin and firm muscles, Kate could feel the racing staccato of his heart.

Neither spoke and neither moved. They just sat, staring into each others' eyes, while their hands rested together, on him.

If a trickle of blood hadn't dribbled into Rick's eye, there would be no telling how long they would have remained that way. But it did, which reminded them of the task at hand.

First Kate helped him put his dress shirt on, then began tearing the t-shirt into bandage strips. The first of which she used to clean the wound and the next to wrap around Rick's head.

When everything was taken care of, Kate caressed his brow. "Better?"

"Yeah, but I think that's because I have the best nurse in the city."

"I think you hit your head harder than you realized. You're delirious."

"Hardly."

"Well Romeo, you're shivering. I'm sure the power will be back on any minute. Let's get your coat back on."

An hour later, Kate and Rick were still in the elevator. They'd yelled for help, banged on the walls, then even texted Ryan and Esposito to get someone to help them. But all they got in return was that half the city was without power due to the storm and they'd try to get to them when they could, but the whole city was in a state of emergency, which meant that two safe and healthy adults, no matter who they were, just weren't the highest priority.

Not knowing how long they'd be stuck, Rick turned his phone off after texting Alexis, to conserve their remaining power. Kate kept her's on but used it as little possible.

"You don't happen to have any aspirin with you?" He asked.

"Nope. It's in my purse at the station. Your head hurt?"

"Some. But it could just be I'm tired too."

"Try to stay awake. It's not good to sleep after a head injury."

"I'd hardly call this a head injury, laceration yes, but I don't think I did any trauma."

"Let's hope not. But still, better safe than sorry." Kate couldn't help it, but she ended her sentence with a yawn.

"See you're tired too."

"Yeah, so."

"So go to sleep. I'll be fine."

"No, I want to stay awake with you."

"Fine, stay awake with me, but lets rearrange so we stay a little warmer. Sit between my legs and then you can lay back against my chest."

Once they were settled again, Kate sighed. "This reminds me of being in the freezer."

"No that was much worse. This is cold, that was mind numbing."

"It does help to know we aren't going to die in here."

"No kidding." Rick said as he ran his hands up and down her arms. "So how do you propose keeping me awake?"

"Whatever you have in mind, the answer is no."

"I'm offended that you just assume that I would suggest something inappropriate."

"Am I wrong?"

"That's not the point."

Kate swatted playfully at his thigh and then rolled her head back against his shoulder. She was comfortable, maybe even too comfortable. Her eyes began to close of their own accord.

"Tell me more about your mom."

That woke Kate up. She sat up and turned toward Rick, even though she couldn't see him in the dark. "What!"

"I know that most of the times you think or talk about her, it's about her death, but when you tell me about her life, you light up. But that night after your dream, you shared some happy moments and you seemed so happy. I loved that you shared those with me. So tell me something about her that I don't know. Introduce me to her."

Kate got very quiet. _He wants to meet my mom. _The realization choked her up a bit. It was one of the sweetest things anyone had ever said to her and she just needed a moment to take it in.

"She would like you. You would make her laugh and that was a quality she admired in people. And you're honest to a fault, which would also win you some serious brownie points."

Rick seemed to stiffen behind her, cutting off her line of thought.

"You OK? You flinched. Is your head getting worse?"

"I'm fine, uh, just uh, shifting positions a little. Go on."

For some reason she didn't quite believe him, but it was most likely he didn't want to worry her about his head. Kate relaxed again.

"I don't know, what to say, there's so much. What do you want to know?"

Let start with the basics. What was her favorite color?"

"White. She said she liked it because it was light and pure, and could soften any other color it touched without ever trying."

"I've never heard that before. It's pretty cool."

"She had an interesting way of looking at things. She could always find the good in anything, even when others' wrote them off."

Rick wrapped his arms around Kate's middle and hugged her to him. It was just what she needed.

"What about her favorite book or movie?"

"Well I can promise you, she'd always prefer a book over a movie. My dad is the movie buff. But let's see, I know her favorite book was actually a collection of Shakespeare's plays. And her favorite one of those was "Much Ado About Nothing.". If I had to pick a movie it would probably be "It's a Wonderful Life." I think that's the only video I ever saw her watch more than once, and we watched it every Christmas Eve just before bed."

"You're right, your mom and I would have gotten along great. I'm sad I'll never meet her, but I love that you're helping me get to know her anyway."

"I'm glad you want to know her."

"Of course I want to know her. She's a big part of you. I don't think I could truly know you if I didn't know her at least in some way."

"Oh Rick." Kate's words caught in her throat as emotion threatened to completely choke her. "I miss her."

"I know you do, Hon." Rick whispered before kissing the top of her head.

_Hon? He called me Hon? And I don't even want to slug him for it? What's happening between us? Things keep changing so fast. I'm so confused. I wish I had my journal so I could write all this out._

Kate sat so silently while she was deep in her thoughts, that Rick nudged her. "You still awake?"

"Uh, yeah, just thinking of something else to tell you about her. Did I ever tell you about her aquarium?"

"No. I don't think so."

"Well, fish were her favorite animal. She loved them, all of them. So much so, that she wouldn't eat any because it made her feel guilty, which just made my dad laugh at her. Anyway, we had family passes to the New York Aquarium, and whenever she had a day off, or needed to unwind, she'd head over there and just spend hours watching the fish swim. When I went with her, I always liked it at first, but bored of it long before she did. Well, then one summer, let's see I must have been about eight, my mom was in a car accident. She broke her leg in a couple places and did some nerve damage in her back. She was confined to the house for months while she recovered, and it drove her nuts. She became depressed and angry.

After a couple weeks my dad had a brilliant plan and bought this huge ninety gallon fish tank for her office. A week later it was filled with all these beautiful freshwater fish, and my mom was her happy self again.

The chair next to the tank soon became my favorite place in the house, cuz if my mom was home it was near her and we could talk or work on my homework or play games or whatever, and if she wasn't home, I'd still sit there and read or listen to music and feel like she was close by."

"I'm surprised you don't have an aquarium at your place."

"I've thought about it, but I just never got around to it. I still have a pass to the Aquarium though, and make sure I get over there a couple times a year."

"When was the last time you went?"

"I went this summer, one afternoon after a therapy session, before going back to the cabin."

"Would you mind if I went with you some time?"

"No, it would be fun. I could give you the Johanna Beckett tour."

"She has her own tour?"

"No," Kate laughed, "Not officially, but she always knew when feeding times were and made sure she made it to all her favorite tanks at those time."

"Oh. Well I'll look forward to it."

"Me too."

Kate yawned again. She was so relaxed that fighting off sleep was becoming futile. She struggled to keep her eyes open in the dark, but her lids grew heavier by the second, and the warmth of Rick's body behind hers cocooned her like a blanket._ I'll just rest a few minutes,_ she thought to herself, _then I'll be able to help Castle stay awake._

XXXXXXXXXXX

A simultaneous bang and shudder brought Kate's eyes wide open, but she couldn't see much in the dark.

_Where am I, and what is pinning me down?_

All of a sudden, blinding light flooded the small space and two dark silhouettes stepped in front of her. The weight that had been confining her rolled away as her eyes adjusted.

Esposito and Ryan looked down at her and Castle, who she now realized had been spooned up against her. Esposito was biting his bottom lip and literally shaking with laughter while Ryan crossed his arms and with a huge smile asked, "What do we have here?"

Castle ignored the question and tried to stand. "I've gotta pee."

At first he was fine, but when he stepped toward the exit, Castle lurched to the side, causing all three detectives to reach for him.

"Whoa, you OK Bro?" asked Esposito.

Kate stood and ducked under Rick's arm, then wrapped her arm around his waist to steady him. "No Esposito, he hit his head when the elevator fell. I think he may need stitches."

All the jocularity vanished from the guy's faces now that they realized there was more going on than just catching her and Rick snuggled up on the floor.

Ryan reached out and took Rick's elbow. "Here, let me help you find a bathroom."

Once they had disappeared with the building manager into his apartment, Kate turned to Javier. The twinkle of laughter had returned to his eyes.

"Just don't!" Kate warned.

"What? I didn't say a thing!"

"You didn't have to. It's written all over your face."

"I'm sorry it's just that I'm a detective and when I see clues it's hard to ignore them. First there was Thanksgiving afternoon at the station and now I find you guys asleep in each other's arms, legs all tangled up, your shirt's untucked, his shirt is buttoned crooked... I know there's always a reasonable explanation, especially this time, but that's not how it looks. You've changed Becks. You're letting your guard down."

Esposito had never spoken so personally to her before. She looked down at herself and saw her rumpled clothes and took note of how her body felt cold and alone without Rick pressed against her. He was right. Was this part of the wall coming down? If so, she wasn't sure she liked it. She still needed to maintain her professionalism, even more so now that the man she was involved with, was her partner.

_What if it had been Gates that had caught us in the station and not Esposito?_

She looked at her friend and coworker. "You're right. I've been careless."

"Hey that's not what I mean. It's a good thing that you're relaxing a bit."

"I can't relax, it could cost me my job, or worse, a life. I need to stay focused."

Javier shook his head out of frustration and looked around quickly to see who might be able to hear them, then led Beckett by the elbow to a darkened corner. "Look, I know neither of us is the touchy feely type, but listen up. I'm going to tell you this, not only as your coworker, but also as a friend, consider it some brotherly advice. Letting yourself enjoy life, maybe even finding someone to enjoy it with, isn't going to make you a bad cop. If anything, it will make you a better one. Trust me, it's good to have someone worth coming home in one piece for. I know you and Castle have been tiptoeing around this for years, and yeah you probably don't want to get caught fooling around in the supply closet or anything, but don't pull away from him, because you're worried about how it looks. We all have enough regrets from our own stupidity, don't let other people give you more."

Kate's mouth dropped as Esposito turned and walked away as if nothing out of the ordinary just happened.

Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted Ryan and Castle returning, with Rick looking a lot better, despite the red stained bandage wrapped around his head.

Once the group converged again, they made a game plan. It was just after nine in the morning, and the guys hadn't slept in nearly thirty six hours. Beckett would take Castle to the ER to get checked out, while the guys headed home to catch a few hours and regroup. Then they'd meet back at the station around three to go over the Sanfrantello notes and reexamine evidence.

XXXXXXXXXXX

By the time Kate staggered home that night it was technically the next morning, and she was physically and emotionally exhausted.

The ER trip, turned out to be a bigger ordeal than expected. An hour into their wait, Rick got severely dizzy and began vomiting, which on one hand scared the hell out of her, but on the other, expedited the process. After two stitches, an IV, several scans and a plethora of lab work, they were told he was dehydrated and had a concussion. He needed to stay in the hospital overnight for observation.

He of course, balked at the idea, but after she promised to text him with any and all case updates, he consented. Then she had to call Martha and Alexis and fill them in on what happened. As soon as they arrived at the hospital, Kate left and headed back to the 12th because it was already an hour later than she'd planned to meet with the boys.

After working diligently for hours and reviewing the store's security tapes, they found an unaccounted person talking with, or what looked like arguing with, Ken Sanfrantello on the edge of one of the frames. They were unable to get any type of ID on the stranger, but it was enough to bring Ken in for questioning.

The interrogation went long, but eventually he admitted that the man in the frame was a driver name Vincent Shay, who regularly made deliveries to the store. Ken and Vince had been working together for of couple months holding back random merchandise and then selling them for a profit online. It wasn't a big deal, he told them, the store didn't even notice half the time.

Esposito reminded the man, that although theft from a giant retailer might not get him much time, murder certainly would. Ken swore that he never touched Kaylee but had noticed Vince snooping around in the storeroom. That's why they fought. He thought Vince was trying to get his hands on more than his share."

Sanfrantello was then booked on the theft charges and moved to holding while an APB went out on Shay. When they searched his home, he was nowhere to be found but a gun matching the kind used on Kaylee was stuffed under the mattress of his bed, along with a shirt speckled with blood. They had their man, they just had to find him.

Within the hour, Jersey police spotted his truck on the road and took him into custody. Vince broke down and admitted to panicking when Kaylee caught him taking video games from a box. He threatened to kill her if she told, and let her go, but before he could leave, he saw her talk to her supervisor. He thought for sure she was blowing the whistle on him, so he hid until she left, forced her into his truck, and shot her. Then he dumped her body into one of the giant boxes, taped it back up and delivered it.

Once they got their confession, they packed up and headed out. The paperwork could wait a few more hours.

Now that she was home, she just wanted to sleep, but her mind was still wired and racing. So she grabbed her journal and pen.

November 27, 2011

It's one in the morning and I can't sleep, although my body begs for some much needed rest.

Why can't I sleep? My mind just won't shut off. So much has happened in the days since I last wrote in here. Thanksgiving has come and gone, and if Esposito hadn't caught Rick and I kissing at the station, it would have been the most uneventful holiday I've ever worked. I suppose it still was, all things considered, but that's a story for a different time.

Then in the wee hours of Friday morning we were finally called to a case and it was one of the most disturbing ones I've seen in a while, which in my line of work is saying something. The strangest part of it wasn't the actually murder, it was what happened afterward. Inadvertently and quite likely unknowingly, greed and self-centeredness (is that even a word?) literally stepped all over humanity without even blinking. Now hundreds of people are left traumatized in the wake. Even though we caught the murderer, it's not really a win. Not only did one innocent life get taken as a result of greed and fear, but now because of how everything unfolded, many more are literally left stained from their accidental involvement.

Also, on top of everything else, Rick and I got stuck in an elevator overnight, while investigating this crime. He was hurt, and is now in the hospital being observed due to a concussion he received when the elevator fell. The highlight of the incident was while waiting to be rescued, he asked me to tell him about my mom. It was so therapeutic to be able to share warm memories with him. I don't even really know how to put it down on paper.

On the flip side of that high was when we got out, Esposito took me aside, and informed me that after catching Rick and I at the station and then finding us snuggled up sleeping in each others' arms in the elevator, that he was noticing changes in me. He said I was letting my guard down.

He meant it as a good thing, but it jarred me. I know I'm trying to bring down my walls, but I don't know if I want to change who I am. Can I do one without the other? Should I even try to keep them separate? If I change, willingly or not, who will I become? Will I still be good at my job? Will people treat me different? Will I lose my sense of identity?

Maybe I'm not as ready for this wall to come down as I thought. Rick and Dr. Burke would probably tell me that I'm using it as a shield or security blanket, and that its just the fear of being exposed that is making me question myself, but what if it's more? What if this wall is just part of who I am?

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: So I hope you all are still enjoying the story as it unfolds. I think this chapter was a momentous one for Kate and her journey. Sometimes its difficult to make changes, even ones we want, when we realize the entire scope of that decision.**

**Also, I just wanted to explain Black Friday, for those who are not familiar with it. I hadn't even thought about the fact that a lot of people may not be familiar with out insane American ways when I posted the last chapter. So Sorry! Here in the U.S., I don't know about anywhere else, the day after our Thanksgiving is the busiest shopping day of the year, and is basically the kick off for holiday shopping. Most stores, especially the major retailers host HUGE annual sale on popular items. This draws CRAZY big crowds. Most of the time, these sales start in the middle of the night too, midnight ,3,4,5 am. People wait hours in lines (in the cold, for a lot of places) hoping to get the deal they are looking for. (Seriously, I am one of these crazy people who do the whole Black Friday shopping thing, so I speak from experience about the crowds pushing in and not paying attention to whats going on. Thankfully I've never witnessed violence, but sadly it does happen). Oh and in case you're wondering why its called Black Friday, I've been told that for many retailers, the amount of shopping done on that day is often what puts them into profit for the first time all year. Thus stores are no longer in the red, but are now in the black... making it Black Friday! There's your useless information education for the day!**

**Thank you all for all your kind words. Just knowing that there's people in the world who choose to take time out from their busy lives, to read something I've wrote, really makes me so humbled, and also makes me feel like the time I spend writing isn't a colossal waste. So thank you very much!**

**Have a great weekend! And I promise that although there is no new episode on Monday, there will be a new chapter!**


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Kate propped herself against the couch cushions, and snuggled under her thickest fleece throw she owned, while the phone rang in her ear. After the fourth ring, Rick finally answered. "Hey!"

"Hey back at you! Just calling to say goodnight."

"Already?"

"What do you mean already? It's eleven thirty, just like usual."

"Is it really? I've been so busy working, I didn't even realize how much time passed. I should eat dinner."

"How many chapters have you finished?"

"Um, none. I finished my outline probably a couple hours ago, but now I'm working on a different project."

"Anything interesting?"

"Not really, right now it's just, uh, research."

"Oh," she replied blandly. Usually their nightly phone calls were a highlight of her day, but tonight Rick sounded bored or more likely, distracted. She considered just letting him go, but she hadn't spoke to him all day and wanted a little more time with him.

"Missed you today," she offered.

"I missed you too. Even paperwork would have been better than sitting through all those meetings with Paula. I swear they haven't changed in five years. They're practically scripted. It's a bunch of bull."

"Sorry. At least they're done now for another year."

"Thank goodness. So did I miss anything exciting. Ryan didn't mention anything."

"You talked to Ryan?"

"Yeah..." he paused. "He called this afternoon."

"Oh."

"Just uh wedding info, you know tie color tux style, that kinda stuff."

Even though it technically made sense, Kate wasn't entirely sure she believed him and that irked her. But why would he lie? Maybe they were really talking about bachelor party stuff or something and he thought she'd be mad.

"Yeah that's coming up soon. What is it like eight weeks now?"

"Something like that."

"Making plans for a bachelor party?"

"No. Esposito and I tried to do the whole impromptu thing in Atlantic city, but you know how that turned out."

"I sure do, Elvis." She switched into her best impression of the King, "You guys were a little more Viva Los Vegas, and I was doing the Jailhouse Rock."

"Well after the case was solved we did have a little fun, but I still wouldn't call it a bachelor party."

"So you are still planning something more."

" Maybe, I don't know if there will be anything else or not."

"There's still time."

"Yeah."

Kate could hear Rick yawn over the phone.

"Rick, you're tired and busy, I should let you go."

"No. I'm fine. Please don't go yet. I'm fine and you haven't even told me about your day yet."

Kate was quiet while she considered what to do.

"Please." he begged playfully.

"If you're sure you don't need to go."

"Positive."

"Well my day was pretty uneventful so there's not much to tell. Just paper work in the morning, then I was called to a hit and run, but by the time I got on the scene, the unis already had the driver, who was stoned out of her mind, in custody. So I went back to the station, but ended up leaving a couple hours early."

"Then what did you do?"

"I came home and took a long bubble bath."

"Ooooh, there you go! Tell me all about it, and talk slowly."

Kate pursed her lips, shook her head and rolled her eyes. _Apparently if I wanted his attention I should have started the conversation with that tid bit. _But, if wanted details, that's what she would give him.

"I don't know," she purred seductively. "Are you sure you can handle it?"

"I'm sure I can. I'm a big boy."

"Well, I guess. If you say so. First, I came home and tossed my coat on the couch, and took off my boots. Then, I stretched slowly before heading to the bathroom. I turned on some music and then the water and added some white ginger scented bubbles that made the bathroom smell sweet and spicy."

"Sounds wonderful!"

"It was. Maybe one day you'll get to see for yourself."

Rick let out a low growl, which made her smile.

"After the tub was full and the whole room was steamy, I stood in front of the mirror and took my hair down so that it cascaded over my shoulders. It was such a relief after having my hair back in a bun all day."

"I'm sure it was."

"I couldn't wait to sink into the water, so I started to unbutton my blouse, button by button."

"Which one?"

"My grayish blue tuxedo tunic with silver pinstripe."

"With what pants?"

"My new charcoal denim trousers."

"The ones that are really fitted?"

"Yup!"

"I love those!"

"I know."

"Anyway... so where were you?"

"I was taking my top off."

"Oh yes!"

"And then I shimmied out of my pants."

"Ugggg you're killing me over here, woman! I'm going to need a cold shower now!"

"You're the one who asked."

"I'm such a masochist!"

"So I'm just about to take off my underthings, and the phone rings. Since technically I was still on duty I went out to my room and answered it. It was Lanie."

"Lanie, Lanie, Lanie! Don't interrupt, things we're just starting to get good!" Rick sighed.

"So we talked for like a half hour, made plans to meet up Saturday night, and then hung up. By now the bathroom was much cooler than it had been before, even though the water was still hot, so I hurriedly finished undressing, hopped into the tub, and slid down until the water was just under my chin. Before I began washing or picked up my book to read, I ended up just closing my eyes and listening to the music, and fell asleep almost instantaneously. I woke up when the water got cold, hopped out as fast as I got in, dressed in my flannel PJ's and then watched some Top Chef reruns."

"What! That's it? Where's the part where you lathered yourself up?"

"Didn't happen!"

"You couldn't pretend that it did?"

"Nope!"

"You're cruel."

"I'm downright evil."

"Hmph! Well maybe I won't need that shower after all."

Kate was on the verge of a fit of giggles and had a hard time keeping her voice even."I so sorry to disappoint."

"No you're not! You led me on, on purpose."

"But it was so easy!"

"I'm going to get you back!"

"Go ahead and try. I'm not worried."

"Well maybe you should be."

"Hmmmmm, she hummed casually. "Maybe."

"On that note, I'm gonna let you go so I can get something to eat and then plot my revenge."

"I'm shaking with fear!"

"Goodnight my dear Beckett."

"Goodnight!"

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Are you just going to sit there and stare at me for the next two hours?"

"Yes." Castle said firmly while unwrapping the candy cane he'd just swiped from her candy bowl.

"You know, I have extra pens, you could be helpful and fill some of these forms out for me."

"Where's the fun in that?"

"Sometimes I wonder why I still let you hang around here."

"Because if I wasn't here, you'd miss me."

"You are so full of yourself."

"But I'm also correct."

Five or six minutes passed while Castle ate his candy, and just stared at Kate with the intensity of an Olympic level staring contest. At first she was able to ignore it, but every once in a while he leaned a little closer. By the time his face was less than a foot from hers, her shoulders were bouncing with suppressed laughter. She reached out and swatted his shoulder, pushing him back into his seat.

Captains Gates chose that moment to walk by. "Mr. Castle if you have no good reason to be here, you don't need to be."

The captain's chastisement was enough to catch both Ryan and Esposito's attention from across the room.

Castle made a face behind her departing back, which almost sent Kate into another bout of laughter.

"See, I'm trying to get work done here, and you're going to get us both in trouble," she hissed.

"Fine. Hand me a pen."

She did and several manilla folders as well. "If I knew that's all it would take to get you to help with this I would have asked her to come out her an hour ago."

His only answer was to stick his tongue out at her.

Between the two of them, the stack of papers quickly diminished.

When they finally finished, Rick stood and put his coat on while Kate carefully filed everything away.

Making sure to keep his voice quiet so that the others' didn't hear, he asked. "Do we have time to grab some food?"

"I'm not meeting Lanie til eight. When do you need to meet the guys for the game?"

"It's a seven thirty start, and we're just meeting up at the Garden, so I have until almost seven."

"Do you need to change or anything?"

"No. You?"

"I'd like to."

"You wanna take food back to your place or go home then eat, or what?"

"Let's eat first. A Panera just opened up around the corner from me and I haven't had that in forever."

"Sounds good."

After eating, Castle and Beckett went back to her place so that she could change.

"If you require any assistance, I'm available." Rick offered as she headed to her room.

"Thank you. But I'm sure I can handle dressing myself. Its something I've picked up over the last thirty or so years."

"Party pooper!"

When she came back out fifteen minutes later, she spun around for his inspection. Her navy ruffled lapel open-style cardigan belled out slightly revealing more of her cranberry silk tank top and gray leggings.

"I think that Lanie and the boys are going to miss us tonight."

"No they aren't, because we're not ditching them."

Castle quickly covered the space between them and snaked his hands around her waist but under the sweater so that he could run his hand up and down over her silk clad back.

"But they would understand!"

"No they wouldn't, because I don't want to tell them yet."

"They're going to figure it out sooner or later. Esposito has."

"He didn't figure it out, he caught us. There's a difference."

"So are we just going to keep going like we have until everyone catches us?"

Kate shrugged and stepped away so that he couldn't touch her anymore. She couldn't think straight with his hands on her.

"No. We can tell them. Just not yet."

"When?"

"I, I don't know! I don't have a schedule. I just figure, we'll know when its right."

He stepped toward her again but didn't try to touch her. "What if think it is right now?"

"Really? You're going to pick a fight now? We have to leave in like ten minutes."

"I'm not trying to fight. I'm just asking a question. You are one of the most important aspects of my life, and I want to share that with the people I'm close to. Don't you?"

His questions frustrated her. She was happy with how things were. _Why did he want to complicate everything?_

When she didn't answer, he tried the subject from another angle. "OK, forget about telling our friends yet. Knowing them, I get why you hesitate there. But I'm sure if they ever find out that Esposito knows and we didn't tell the rest, there's gonna be some fallout."

She shrugged, unimpressed.

"But what about our families? Your dad, Mother, Alexis? Can't we tell them?"

"Now?"

"No not right now, but soon. I want to do it together and in person."

Kate's heart began to race. This was another big step, and she wasn't sure that she was ready yet, but she knew it had to happen.

"What about around Christmas? Maybe we can tell your family on Christmas Eve and then you could come over Christmas night and we'll tell my dad?"

"That sounds wonderful. Thank you."

"What if your Mom or Alexis doesn't approve?"

"They will, I just know it!"

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate took a sip from her mojito and pretended she didn't see the man at the bar staring at her.

"Girl, there is a gorgeous man trying to get your attention. Why are you being so rude?" Lanie asked before looking over her shoulder at the admirer.

"I'm not being rude. I'm just not interested. If you find him so appealing, why don't you go introduce yourself?"

"Believe me, if I could, I would. He is a fine specimen of masculinity."

"Why? What's stopping you? Don't tell me you're suddenly shy."

Lanie sighed, took a long drink from her pomegranate martini, and took one more look back to the bar.

"No, it's Javi. We're kinda back together again."

Kate's eyebrows shot up in surprise then furrowed with all the questions she wanted to ask.

"Before you start interrogating me, let me give you the Cliff Notes version. You know about the double date with Ryan and Jenny and how we went home and fought till we broke up?"

"Yeah, because he says he wants a permanent commitment but cant keep his eyes from wandering or stop flirting with anything in a skirt. And you don't even know if you want to get married but wouldn't even consider it until he can show you that he's satisfied with what he has and isn't still window shopping."

"Pretty much. Anyway, we've been trying to talk things out, and sometimes it leads to more fights, and sometimes it leads to sex, but either way, nothing was getting resolved. Then like two days after Thanksgiving he comes and tells me he has enough regrets in his life. He doesn't want to make the one he'll never recover from and asks me to forgive him for looking around. He would never cheat on me, but he shouldn't even let his eye wander because, no matter what he saw, it wouldn't compare to me."

"Very smooth."

"Right? Then he said he knew it would take time to build our relationship up again, but he was ready, no matter how tough things got."

"So you took him back?"

"Not right away. I had a lot of thinking to do and a bit of my own apologizing as well. But we're together now, I hope this time things work out better this time."

"Me too. You guys seem good together."

"We are good together, most of the time."

"No relationship is perfect." Kate mused aloud.

"That's for sure. And speaking of relationships, we need to get you one. You've been single for what almost six months now?"

"Stop. I'm serious. I don't need you to fix me up."

"I didn't think I'd have to. I figured with everything that happened in May, you and Castle would finally get your shit together and finally act on all that unrequited sexual tension."

"Lanie!"

"Girl shut up! It's not like this is the first time I've brought it up. And I haven't said anything in forever cuz I was giving you time to recover and everything, and before that, there was Dr. Motorcycle Boy."

"His name was Josh."

"Yes Josh, with the impeccable bedside manor. I still can't believe that man started that fight with Castle at the hospital."

"Well that's all over and we've all moved on. So lets drop it."

"Ooooh. Touchy. Now the question is, are you touchy because or Josh or Castle."

"I'm touchy because you insist on interfering."

"Nope. I don't believe that. I'm always interfering, this is something more."

Kate swirled her drink around with her straw, questioning her sanity as she considered coming clean to yet one more person.

"Oh this is going to be good. I can see it in your face," Lanie cooed before moving her stool closer to her friend."

Kate looked into her friends excited brown eyes and chewed on her lip.

"Are you and Josh back together?"

Kate had just raised her drink to her lips before her friend spoke, and began to choke soon after.

"No, no. God no."

"Well then what is it? I know you're going to tell me eventually, because I won't let it drop. So be a doll and save me the trouble and you the frustration, and just spill."

"Fine, but before I say anything. You have to swear not to tell ANYONE!"

"Done."

"I mean NO one."

Kate's paranoid insistence must have triggered something in Lanie's head because instead of promising, she squealed and threw her arms around her.

The detective pushed her friend away gently. "What was that for?"

"Because I can only think of one reason you'd be acting like this."

"And that is...?" she asked cautiously.

"You and Castle have finally hooked up!" The doctor squealed.

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Kate hissed. "We have not "hooked up", as you so charmingly put it."

"Go on, I know there's a but in there somewhere."

"But we have started a relationship of sorts."

Lanie grabbed both of Kate's hands off the table and squeezed them tightly. "Honey, I'm so excited for you guys! So tell me everything! How? When? Where? Is it everything you hoped for and more?"

"Things are good. There's not really a whole lot to tell you about. We talked after the bank thing last month and decided to give it a chance. So we're just taking it really slow and testing the waters. We have not slept together and aren't going to anytime soon, though admittedly, that's proving harder than I thought it might. But he's being really great about it. He doesn't push for anything, but still lets me know how much he cares and how attracted he is."

"Well he's been doing that for over three years, he's practically a pro by now."

"Oh hush. This is different than it has been."

"Cuz you're finally acknowledging it now? Or because you're reciprocating it?"

"It's both, to a degree, but obviously it's a lot more than that too."

"So who knows you guys are dating?"

"First of all, we're really not calling it dating. That just has too many expectations, too much protocol."

"Let, me guess, you're the one with all these rules and nuances aren't you?"

Kate furrowed her eyebrows but didn't admit to her friend's observation. Lanie didn't require an answer to that though, she had other questions.

"Girl. Do you go out alone with that man, like on dates?"

"Yeah."

"Does he kiss you good night?"

She nodded.

"Do you call each other, just because?"

Kate shrugged, but the movement was accompanied with a slight blush.

"Would either of you consider going out with someone else, even casually, right now?"

"No."

"Then you can call it "An ancient mating ritual" or the "Hokey Pokey", but what you are doing is DATING that man! Accept it, embrace it, shout it for the world!"

"But what if it doesn't work out?"

"What if it does? You know that does happen now and then!"

"If we tell people that we're dating, people are going to assume we're sleeping together."

"Does that matter? If you are, great, if you aren't, wonderful! That's between you two and as long as the situation you're in is working for both of you, leave everyone else out of this!"

"You and Esposito are starting to sound alike."

"Esposito? Javi knows about this! Now you're in trouble!"

"Chill out. It's not like I went to him for a heart to heart. He kinda walked in on Rick and I kissing at the station and put it all together. Then after he and Ryan got us out of the elevator, I know I told you about that, he told me not to let what other people say and do, dictate my life, we make enough mistakes on our own without letting others help us make more."

"There's three things I need to say about all that. One, he's right, at least this time. Two, I will never forgive either of you from keeping this from me. And three, he caught you making out at the station!"

Kate continued to fill Lanie in on the details she'd carefully skimmed over during the last several months, until the ME was fully brought up to date.

"So now we'll tell our families at Christmas," Kate concluded.

"I really can't stress enough, how happy I am for you. I don't ever remember seeing you this..." Lanie let the sentence drop off as she studied her friend intently.

"Relaxed?"

"Yeah, but that's not all of it."

"Happy?"

"More than that."

"You've stumped me then."

"I know what it is. I've never seen you in love before."

Kate froze, almost with a look of panic on her face.

"Girl relax, it's nothing to dread. And evidently, it's already happened. Now you just need to nurture it."

When Kate's brain began functioning again, she slid from the high bar stool and looked at her watch. "I think we've talked enough for one night. I'm exhausted, have a headache, and it's almost one in the morning. Wanna share a cab?"

"You can keep running my dear, but you can't hide, not forever."

That night when Kate got home, she wanted to journal about her conversation with Lanie, but her previously written words swam haphazardly across the page. Maybe she'd had more to drink than she realized.

No doubt it would all still be fresh in her mind the next day, so she tossed the book onto her nightstand, changed into an extra long t shirt and fell asleep the moment her head hit the pillow.

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: Since there's no new episode tonight, I guess it makes it a good day to catch up on fanfic instead. Am I right?**

**Glad to get Lanie a little more in on the action. She's so fun to write because she just doesn't hold anything back.**

**Hope you liked the latest chapter! The next one will most likely be out on Friday this week instead of Thursday, cuz I'm going on my daughter's field trip that day instead of being home.**

**Have a great day! Enjoy yourself, and remember, we're half way to Kill Shot! Yay!**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

December 11, 2011

I feel like crap. At first I thought it might be a hangover, or just the effects of a restless night. But now I know it's more. Fever, chills, migraine, aches, the whole nine yards. I'm sick, really sick, for the first time in years and it's kicking my butt. Even holding the pen is taxing my strength, but I need to stay awake a little longer. I know Rick will call soon, and if he suspects something's wrong, he'll come over and try to play the part of the white night, and I don't need that.

I tried to write last night, after hanging out with Lanie but was too out of it, so I guess now is my chance.

Last night I finally told Lanie about our relationship. She pretty much reacted like I should have expected. She's thrilled for us; gloating about all the time she knew we'd end up together and pissed that I didn't call her the second we started this relationship.

But as much sass as she gives me about the entire matter, it's still comforting to know how much my best girlfriend approves of, and accepts this relationship.

The words began to blur on the page, so she decided to stop before she really wrote something stupid in her delirium.

After putting the journal away, Kate wrapped her thickest robe around her waist and padded to the kitchen to make some tea. While waiting for the water to boil, she laid back down on the couch to rest for a moment.

"Kate!"

Rick's voice called to her in her dream.

"Kate, honey, wake up!"

She could feel herself being shaken but didn't understand why. And why was she so hot?

With what felt like all her strength, she finally opened her heavy eyes. Rick was cradling her head in his arm and looking at her like he'd just lost his best friend.

"Why are you here?" she rasped through parched lips.

"I called, you didn't answer. I came over, but you didn't answer the door. I heard the tea kettle whistling and tried to pick the lock but I broke my credit card in the dead bolt, so I got your super to let me in. I was so worried. I thought... I thought someone, that something... You scared me. Why didn't you tell me you were sick?"

"Cuz I didn't want to worry you. I knew you'd rush over."

"Of course I'd rush over. You're sick and alone. You need someone to take care of you."

"I can take care of myself, Castle."

Rick didn't let the half-hearted retort detour him.

"That's why the smoke is still clearing from your place and it took me shaking you silly to get you to wake up."

"Smoke?"

"Yeah. I think you were making tea; the kettle boiled dry and burnt the bottom. You're going to need a new one."

"What?"

"Don't worry, your super is leaving with the charred remains, right now."

Kate tried to sit up but didn't have the strength to lift her upper body.

"You are burning up. Lets cool you down and get you into bed."

Too weak to argue, she let him put an arm under her arms and hoist her to her feet. Slowly, they shuffled toward her room.

When they reached the bed, he held her upright with one hand while flipping back the blankets with the other.

As soon as she was settled on the pillow, he disappeared into the bathroom.

She could hear him fumbling around in the medicine cabinet and briefly wondered if he was enjoying this invasion of her privacy.

When he returned, laden with an assortment of medications, a box of Kleenex, a cup of water and a variety of other small objects, he immediately stuck a thermometer between her lips.

Before it even beeped, he began dispensing pills from the Ibuprofen bottle.

When the thermometer finally did beep, Rick made an odd noise and started moving so fast that Kate's sluggish eyes couldn't track his frantic actions. She took the proffered medicine willingly but wished he'd leave her alone. She was tired and wanted to sleep.

He didn't leave her alone though and she suddenly realized he was undressing her.

"Rick! Stop! What are you doing!" she asked as loudly as she could, while he tugged her thick robe down her arms.

"Cooling you down. Kate, if I can't get your temp down quickly, I'm taking you to an ER. Your fever is over 104."

While what he said sort of made sense, she was just generally confused and agitated, adding to her uncooperative attitude.

After her robe was on the floor and her socks had joined it, he went back to the bathroom. She heard water running, but didn't know why. She hated feeling so incoherent.

By the time Rick returned to her, she had fallen back into a deep sleep. When she awoke, he was carrying her, bridal style, across the room.

She didn't fight him about it until she realized he'd run a bath for her and fully intended to help her in.

"No, no, no." Kate slurred. "You can't gimme a bath."

"Don't worry, Babe. No funny business. But you need to cool down fast, and you can't be alone. You're barely conscious."

"Don't undress me pleeeeeese," she pleaded. Hot fat tears came unbidden to her eyes and rolled off her flushed cheeks. "I wanit to be special."

He seemed to understand her and kissed her fevered brow. "I won't if I don't have to. And when the time comes, our first time will be very special. I promise. Right now I'll help you in the tub just as you are, but I'm not leaving you and I'm going to use damp cloths to help cool your skin. I promise to be a complete gentleman."

Despite wanting to argue, her misery paired with his logic, won her consent.

Two minutes later, Kate was sitting chest deep in the lukewarm water, still wearing her long gray night shirt, while Rick mopped her head with a wash cloth.

Even though the water was far from cold, her teeth chattered violently and her arms became covered in goosebumps. At one point she was shaking so hard, that Rick ended up holding her damp body tightly to his chest.

When the chills lessened, and she was able to support herself a bit better, he ran out to retrieve the thermometer to recheck her temperature. When it was down to 102.3, he helped her from the tub.

He wrapped an oversized towel around her and used another one to wrap around her wet hair.

"You need to get out of these wet clothes. Think you can do it on your own?"

She nodded but reached for his hand. "Help me to my room first."

He guided her back to her room and then helped her sit on another towel on her bed. Then without asking, he began to rummage through her drawers.

"PJs are in the bottom drawer on the left," Kate chattered.

He opened it, found some lavender flannel boxers and a matching t-shirt. "And underwear?"

"I'll get them."

He shot her a look laced with disbelief. "Please Kate, give me some credit. I'm here to help you, not start a panty raid. I think I can control myself just this once."

Kate closed her eyes and sighed. "Second small drawer down, on the right."

Rick opened the correct drawer and paused for a second before reaching out and snatching a scrap of fabric. He turned back to her with a slight twinkle in his eyes.

"You pick."

From his left hand he dangled a skimpy black lace thong. From his right, a pair of comfy, teal, cotton bikinis.

"Castle!" Kate's voice was becoming hoarse, and snapping at Rick didn't help.

"I'm sorry. I just couldn't resist." He put the thong back in its place, shut the drawer and kissed her head as he dropped the clothing in her pale hand.

"You gonna be OK?"

Kate nodded.

"I'll wait just outside the door. Call if you need me."

When she did call to him five minutes later, she was dressed and back in bed, with the wet clothes and towels in a pile on the floor.

He entered her room with a tray in hand, but put it down before coming to her side.

Kate forced her eyes to stay open while she watched him dump the wet things in an empty laundry basket, rearrange the curtains so that the one shaft of light peeping in, didn't hit her face, and then bring the tray of water bottles, orange juice, and toast to her.

She took a few bites to appease him but they just sat in her belly like a rock.

When she couldn't fight sleep any longer, he helped her get comfortable and kissed her cheek before retreating to the living room.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate opened her eyes but the room was completely dark. A quick glance at her alarm clock told her it was almost midnight.

She laid quietly for a moment, trying to remember what happened earlier and taking inventory of herself. She remembered having a high fever and Rick helping to take care of her, but the details were pretty foggy. Right now she didn't feel great, but better than before. She was still tired, sore, and weak, but she really had to use the bathroom, so she couldn't just fall back asleep and ignore it.

She threw the sheet back and slowly dropped her feet off the edge of the bed, but when she sat up, she noticed for the first time, that her door was open and although there were no lights on, her TV was.

"Rick?" she tried to call, but barely a whisper came out.

She cleared her throat and tried again, barely croaking out his name.

It was loud enough though.

In the blink of an eye, he ran into the room. He was wearing sweat pants and the NYPD hoodie she'd given him for his birthday.

"Kate!" he said breathlessly as he dropped to his knees in front of her. "You're a sight for sore eyes. How are you feeling?"

"I gotta pee."

"Here let me help you to the bathroom."

When she reemerged, the light on her night stand was on and he was carrying a tray with what looked like soup and Gatorade on it.

She followed him slowly back to her bed but as she approached, the bedding caught her attention. "Rick are my eyes playing tricks on me or are those sheets black?"

"They're navy blue, but in this light they look black. Your eyes are fine."

"I don't have navy sheets. I have a set of white and a set of gray. Why aren't they on my bed?"

"Here, sit down and try to eat this chicken broth. I'll explain everything."

She did as she was told but with an uneasy case of nerves building inside.

After Castle helped prop her up and watched to make sure she'd try to eat, he began.

"First of all, it was Sunday when I came over and found you practically passed out on the couch. Today is Wednesday." He took a quick glance at her clock. "Well, technically Thursday."

"What?"

"You've been out of it for close to four days. If you hadn't started to show improvement today, you'd be in the hospital right now. This flu that is going around has reached epidemic levels. Over half the 12th , actually almost half the city has come down with it. Lanie, Epsosito, Ryan's Fiance Jenny, Captain Gates, Alexis, they all have it or have had it."

"You shouldn't be here then. You'll get it too."

"Not worried about it. Most likely if I was going to get it I'd be showing symptoms already. It moves fast."

"Is everyone OK?"

"Yeah or they will be. Seems to be, that the older you are the worse it effects most people. Like Alexis basically had a normal twenty four hour bug, but Gates was the fist of the people I know who got it, and she's still pretty sick from what I've heard from Ryan. Esposito was actually hospitalized after having seizures from his fever. Before Lanie got sick she told me that as long as you were hydrated, not convulsing, didn't have a temp over 104 for more than two consecutive hours and started showing improvement within ninety six hours, that you could stay home. The hospitals are already overcrowded because of everything.."

"I have to call my dad and check on him."

"He's called everyday. He's fine, just worried about you."

"I've been asleep for four days?"

"Yeah, or extremely out of it. Sunday night I called Mother and she brought me some clothes and groceries, then on Monday she brought me extra sheets and towels from home because you'd sweated through all your bedding and I'd been using the towels to cool you down, so they were all damp. But don't worry, I did all the laundry yesterday."

Kate was in shock. She had no idea what to say or do.

Rick was staring at her. She knew she must look awful, and right now she wanted to cry but didn't know if she even could.

He took her hand in his and squeezed it lightly. "Just so you know, I did have to change your clothes several times too. I promise I was as discreet as I could be, but its only fair that you know."

Heat flooded Kate's cheeks and she could no longer look him in the face. She didn't feel violated. She knew he would have been respectful and was only doing what he had to, but she was still embarrassed by the entire situation.

Rick crooked a finger under her chin and tipped her head so that she had no choice but to look at him.

"I'm sorry Kate. I don't ever want you to feel embarrassed in front of me, but I understand why you are. Are you mad?"

It took a little while, but eventually she shook her head. "Thank you for taking care of me."

"Always."

That one word brought a small smile to the corner of her mouth.

"You know, if you're concerned that I saw you almost naked and you haven't seen me, I can strip right now. You know, just to make us even."

That brought a full smile. "I appreciate the offer, but you can keep your clothes on."

"You don't know what you're missing," he practically sang.

"Thanks, but I think I'll pass this time."

"Well if you change your mind, just say so."

"OK, I will."

She dipped her spoon into into the soup again and brought it to her mouth.

Rick watched her intently as she did so.

"I'm going to sound crazy, but its so good to see you eating. Since you've been out, I've been spooning Gatorade and broth and water into your mouth so you wouldn't lose too many fluids. I didn't mind doing it, but usually you're so strong and independent, that it was heartbreaking, seeing you so helpless."

Kate didn't like thinking of herself as helpless either, even when it was reasonable like this last week.

"Thank you for everything you've done. I don't even begin to know how to make it up to you."

"You do not need to make it up. I wasn't doing this because I had to or felt obligated to. I did this because I care so deeply for you that I would willingly do anything for you. This? This was nothing."

"How can you say those things to me, even when I keep us at arm's length and don't say things like that to you?"

"This isn't some kind of competition or anything. I know you care about me. Maybe even more than you're willing to admit. But I also know that you're working toward being able to reciprocate these feelings openly and honestly, and so I can keep waiting. It won't be forever. And when you can tell me that you care that much, when you can be free to love and be loved, this time spent waiting won't matter anymore."

"It will still matter to me Rick. I don't always understand how you can be so, patient with me. But I'm glad that you are."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate was awake for less than an hour before exhaustion again claimed her.

When she awoke the next morning, it was to the smell of coffee and eggs. She stretched stiffly and was about to attempt climbing out of bed when the sound of whistling approached. Rick strolled into the room with a full tray, and greeted her with an ear to ear smile.

"Hope you're hungry."

"Ravenous!"

"Excellent. I've made scrambled eggs, cinnamon toast, bananas, and if you can hold that stuff down, coffee."

Her stomach gurgled its approval.

Rick placed the tray across her lap, then scrambled to the other side of the bed and joined her.

He handed her a small glass of juice and took one for himself. "This deserves a toast."

"It does?"

"It does."

She raised her glass with him, and waited to see what kind of gem he'd come up with.

"To new beginnings... the beginning of a new day, the beginning of recovery, and the beginning of our first of many, many breakfasts in bed together."

They clinked their glasses together while she shook her head.

"You, Mr. Castle, sound very confident that we'll be in a bed together again," Kate playfully admonished.

"Tell me, Ms. Beckett, is there a reason I shouldn't be confident of that assumption?"

Kate took a long drink from her glass, while she gazed at him over the rim of the glass.

"Probably not."

"I didn't think so."

Rick handed her a plate of food that she eagerly dug into. By the time there were only a few morsels left on the plate, Kate was stuffed. She put her fork on the plate, and tipped her head back against the pillow.

"How ya doing?" he asked. "You're awfully quiet. Still feeling pretty sick?"

"I'm not bad considering this is like the first time I've seen sunlight in almost a week. I'm just... I dunno. I think I'm, maybe its... I know I shouldn't be, but I guess, I'm just feeling a little uncomfortable."

"Physically, or with me?"

Instead of answering him, she looked away.

"Kate please look at me."

She turned her face back toward him but kept her eyes averted.

"What was I supposed to do? I knew you wouldn't want to be at the hospital. I called Lanie but she was helping Esposito and then got sick too. I figured under the circumstances, I was doing the right thing."

"You did, and I appreciate it. I do."

"But you're still embarrassed."

"I don't know if that's the word I'd use but, we'll go with it. You know I don't like relying on people for help."

"But I'm not just "people", we're a couple. I want you to rely on me."

"Yeah, I know."

"There's something else, isn't there."

She tried to look at him, but knew he saw past her eyes and deep into her heart, making it difficult to maintain.

"Do my scars put you off?"

"Excuse me?"

I know if you changed my shirt, you saw my scars. Not only are they ugly, but they're a daily reminder of so many things, that I think both of us would like to put behind us."

Kate was surprised to see what looked like tears forming in his eyes. _They did bother him._

Before she could tell him it was OK and that she understood, his lips crushed into her own.

She pulled back immediately. "What are you doing? I'm still sick and I haven't brushed my teeth in days."

"I don't care. The only thing I care about right now, is the fact that you know, without doubt, that no matter what scars you have, or may get, you are the most beautiful woman I know, and nothing will ever detract from that. And yes they may remind us of tragic times, but if anything, they should also remind us how you rose up and survived."

"How can you say things like that?"

"It's the truth. How could I not?"

XXXXXXXXXXX

That evening, Rick went home for a couple hours to see his family and swap out his dirty clothes for some clean ones. While he was gone, Kate took the opportunity to write.

December 15, 2011

When I wrote last time that I was sick, I wasn't kidding. I became so ill that Rick ended up coming over and caring for me for days, without me even knowing. I feel bad that he had to do that, but am also so grateful that he did.

What? you ask. Kate Beckett glad for help? I know it stuns me too.

I mean, I know realistically, that I can't always take care of everything by myself, but that doesn't mean I like accepting help when those times arise.

Rick literally fed and dressed me, monitored my health and cared for me round the clock for almost four days. I'm not upset that he did, the alternatives aren't something I want to dwell on, but I'm shaken by the entire experience as well.

I don't like being that vulnerable. And knowing how personal some of the situations were, doesn't help.

I feel guilt that he was put into an awkward situation like this and embarrassment that I was on the receiving end.

Don't get me wrong. I'm positive he was a gentleman, and he assures me it wasn't that big of a deal to him, that he wanted to take care of me but... ahhhh, I just struggle with it all.

He's trying to understand me and be patient with me, and I.. I.. I guess I love him for that.

He reminded me, that had it been him who was sick, I would have done the same for him without hesitation. And he's right, but that still doesn't change how I feel.

It's just another thing to work through, but I know that when I can come to terms with everything, it will leave a big hole in that wall.

Reading back over this entry I feel like I've contradicted myself half a dozen times, but I guess if I have to sum it up, it would be that I hate that Rick had to help me, but I love that he wanted to help me.

Now I just need to focus on that and not the fact that my instincts tell me to hide from the whole thing.

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: Hi! Thanks for patiently waiting the extra day to read this chapter. It just wasn't going to happen yesterday. But I did have a fabulous time at the aquarium with my daughter and her class, so that was great!**

**So was it worth the wait? This chapter was one of those that snuck in without me looking. It wasn't in my outline or even in my notes of possible additions/filler/bonus content. I just started writing and it developed. When I re-read it, I wasn't sure if I liked it and debated if I was going to keep it or not. But on her urging, I sent it to my friend and beta, LT, and she liked it and told me to leave it in. So if you enjoyed this chapter, thank her! I tend to have these little fic panic attacks, and she's the one who keeps me grounded.**

**Now that I've read it again with fresh eyes, for the final edit. I think she's right. I would have kicked myself for deleting it. So I hope you agree and liked it too!**

**Next chapter will be out on Monday (yes, KILL SHOT MONDAY! Ahhhh! Sorry about that. Random act of fangirling there). It's written, betaed, and waiting for final edits.**

**The next chapter after that, chapter 12, I HOPE to have out on Wednesday, since Thursday is Thanksgiving and Friday I will be shopping til I drop (hopefully no bodies drop out of the displays, am I right? I know that will be in my head all of Black Friday LOL!) The only problem with that schedule though, is that chapter 12 has not yet been written! :( I need to magically find a few hours to tackle that... and chapter 13, since I have no idea when I'll write next week!**

**Anyway... the point of this wasn't to drag you into my mania, but to warn you that there could be a few chapters in the near future that will be off the Monday/Thursday schedule. I'm not losing interest in writing it or getting lazy with my posting... its just the busy holiday season! I know you all understand! THANKS!**

**So have a wonderful weekend, stay warm and healthy, and I'll see you before the next new Castle ep!**


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

"So when he came back that evening, he brought some more bricks with him. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. He just waltzed into my room with this canvas bag, sat on my bed, and started pulling them out. He brought five, one for every day I let him take care of me. I told him I wasn't awake all week. I had no idea he was caring for me. And he just laughed at me, and then said..."

Kate paused and looked to Dr Burke. She wasn't really sure why she hesitated to continue. She wasn't embarrassed to tell the therapist the rest, so maybe it was just knowing that if she continued on with the story, it wouldn't be just between her and Rick anymore.

He was watching her intently though, so she finished the story.

"...He said, I might have been asleep but I definitely knew he was there. Then he picked up the first brick, put in on my lap, then said and I quote, 'Sunday, I carried you to the bathroom and you wrapped your arms around my neck and buried you face against me.' The he placed another brick in my lap for each day, as he spoke. 'Monday, you were thrashing in your sleep, probably from some dream, but the moment I touched your arm, you calmed down, so I held you while you slept. Tuesday, you called out for me more than once. Wednesday while I was doing laundry I was singing and you smiled, and then this morning,' which was Thursday, 'when you woke up and found out everything that had happened, you weren't surprised and didn't push me away. You just accepted it with gratitude. That's huge, Kate. You're letting me in.' I just burst into tears and wept, which is completely unlike me. I don't do that."

"To me, it sounds like, together, you two are making some progress bringing the wall down."

Kate smirked and took a drink out of her coffee cup while she thought about the insight.

"I don't know that the wall as a whole is making as much progress as I'd hoped, but I would definitely say, there's a Castle sized hole forming."

"That's a start."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate readjusted the shopping bags in her hands so that she could knock on the door, but before she could raise her hand to do so, the door opened in front of her.

Rick, who was wearing a Santa hat and a 'Naughty _and_ Nice' t-shirt, slipped out into the hall, shutting the door behind him.

He grabbed her by the hips and pulled her to him for a slow sweet kiss.

"Mmmmm. You taste good," she whispered against his lips.

"Just had two cups of wassail while waiting impatiently for you to come over."

"I'm almost ten minutes early!"

Rick took the bags from her. "I know. That doesn't mean I haven't been looking forward to it all morning."

"Do Alexis and Martha know I'm joining you guys?"

"I told them I'd invited you. I didn't want to be too obvious before we could tell them our news together."

"I'm nervous."

"Don't be. I know them. They will be thrilled."

He bent down and kissed her one more time. "Ready?"

"I guess."

Rick opened the door wide, allowing the sweet spicy scnet of the wassail and the Christmas music to drift out toward her, and led the way. "Look who I found in the hall!" He announced.

Martha and Alexis, who both also wore Santa hats and festive aprons, were in the kitchen sorting out ingredients. In almost synchronized movements, they both looked up and then burst into matching smiles.

"Kate! You made it!" Alexis said happily and waved despite having her arms full of mixing bowls and cookie trays.

Martha glided across the room with arms spread and wrapped her in a warm hug. "Merry Christmas, Darling!"

"Merry Christmas to you to Martha."

"Richard, you take those bags to the kitchen, and we'll join you in a moment."

Martha took Kate's coat and hung it in the hall closet, then stepped close to her again. "How are you feeling, Dear? My son was beside himself the other day when you were ill. I was concerned that perhaps you had one of the more severe cases of that dreadful flu."

"I'm feeling much better, thank you. It was bad for about a week, but aside from some lingering tiredness, I'm back to normal."

"That's wonderful news. I'm just glad you had someone to help you out." Martha spoke softly and then actually winked at her.

The unexpected gesture disarmed Kate briefly. "Me too."

Moments later, the two women joined the two Castles in the kitchen.

Between the kitchen counters and the dining room table, almost every available surface was covered in the necessary tools and ingredients for an epic cookie baking marathon.

"So what's first?" Alexis asked aloud, tossing a box of cookie cutters to her dad. "Gingerbread? Sugar cookies? Chocolate chip?"

Rick looked to Kate and smiled, his eyes both questioning her and reassuring her at the same time.

"Oh, let's start with sugar cookies, but first, there's one other thing I want to take care of."

He had all three women's attention now. He tugged Kate close to his side and took a deep breath.

"Alexis, Mother, I have a confession to make. Kate is here for reasons other than just helping us bake."

Martha looked to be on the verge of exploding with excitement as her eyes twinkled and her cheeks fought hard to hold back an impending smile.

"We have some news."

Kate could feel Alexis staring at her, but was surprised to see she didn't look upset.

"Kate and I are officially announcing that we are..."

"Engaged?" Martha asked hopefully.

Kate felt all the air leave her body and her throat begin to close. _Engaged? ENGAGED!_

"No! Dating. We're dating!"

Both redheads looked completely confused.

"That's news?" Alexis asked. "I thought you'd been dating for a while now."

Kate still couldn't speak. She could barely breathe.

"Well, we have been, sort of, but we've been keeping it quiet. We didn't know anyone really knew."

"Dad, I know you've always tried to keep your relationships quiet, so as to protect me and to retain some privacy in public, but this is Kate. You were miserable all summer til she came back, then after the bank robbery you started spending every free minute with her, and you lived at her place for a week nursing her back to health. You couldn't hide how you felt from us. We just assumed you knew we knew."

"Kate, Dear are you OK, you look pale."

"I'm fine Martha, thank you. I'm just surprised is all. I didn't realize it was so obvious."

"Maybe not to others. I haven't seen anything in the paper about it, or anything like that. But you know my son, he wears his heart on his sleeve. We didn't have to be detectives to figure it out."

Rick was ecstatic. He kissed her cheek and hugged her tightly. "See I told you they would be OK with us."

XXXXXXXXXX

Not long after the announcement, Kate found herself sporting a candy striped apron, rolling out dough while Rick carefully cut out cookies beside her.

She was finally beginning to relax and enjoy the day. "We look like we have enough stuff to make a million cookies, what are you going to do with them all?"

"Dad didn't tell you?" Alexis asked as she removed one tray from the oven and slid in another one in its place. "Tomorrow morning we'll take most of the cookies down to the children's hospital and serve them and hot chocolate to the kids at the Santa party."

"That is so sweet."

"We've been doing it since I was six. The year before, I had pneumonia over Christmas. It was bad enough that I even spent a couple nights in the hospital, and that's when Dad saw the Christmas party they had there for the kids. Every year since, we make sure we go down and help out in whatever way possible. You should come with us."

"I'd like that."

"We can pick you up on the way, and it'll be done by eleven, so you'll have plenty of time to get home for lunch with your dad," Castle added.

"Sounds good."

For the rest of the afternoon and evening, the four worked together, laughed together, even sang together.

At six, Alexis left for Ashley's house. By nine they were done baking.

"Mother, you look exhausted. Why don't you go lay down. We'll finish cleaning up."

"I'll be fine. I can make it another hour or..." Then Martha looked up from the box of cookies she was sealing and saw that Rick was watching her from behind Kate, who he was snuggled up against.

Realization dawned on her as she took in the two younger adults, making Kate feel a blush starting. "You're right Richard. It has been a long day, and tomorrow is an early start. I think a long soak in the tub will be just what I need before retiring for the night."

"Goodnight Mother."

"Goodnight Dears, see you both in the morning."

When Martha was out of sight Rick began nibbling on the back of Kate's neck. "I love spending time with you, but I didn't realize how spoiled I've gotten, having you all to myself most of the time."

Kate tried half downheartedly to pull away from his embrace. "We should clean this mess up. After all, that is what you told you mom we'd be doing."

"We will, but don't believe for a second that she thinks that's what we're doing. I'm sure when she said she'd see us in the morning she figured you'd just stay the night."

"I'm not staying over."

"I know, but you can if you want. Even just to sleep."

Kate turned in his arms so that she could look up to him. He had flour on his cheek, which she brushed off with the tip of her finger.

"Your family, surprised me with their reactions to our announcement."

"I knew Mother knew how I felt. We talked about it a bit this summer. And Alexis is, intuitive, so I was sure she knew that I care so much about you. But when they thought we were announcing an engagement, I almost fell over."

"And I almost joined you. I'm happy we're together but that is..."

"Still a long way away. Don't worry."

They stood for a long moments, holding each other, watching each other, thinking on the possibilities that lay ahead.

Kate allowed herself to consider a future with this man but the longer she thought about it, the closer she got to panic.

"Let's get everything put away, then maybe we have can some time to hang out before I need to leave."

"Unless I can convince you to spend the night here on the couch with me in front of the fire," he suggested.

"I really can't stay."

The singsong way she answered him brought a smile to his face, causing him to immediately grab the stereo remote, hit a couple buttons and then when the music came on, sing back to her, "But, Baby it's cold outside."

The song, being one of Kate's favorites, was one she knew well. So while Rick guided her to the open floor behind the couch and took her in his arms, she sang the next line, "I've got to go away."

"But, Baby it's cold outside."

Together they swayed slowing to the song, singing each line and response to each other,

"This evening has been,  
>(Been hoping that you'd drop in)<br>So very nice.  
>(I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice.)<br>My mother will start to worry.  
>(Beautiful, what's your hurry?)<br>And father will be pacing the floor.  
>(Listen to the fireplace roar.)<br>So really I'd better scurry,  
>(Beautiful, please don't hurry.)<br>But maybe just a half a drink more.  
>(Put some records on while I pour.)<br>The neighbors might faint,  
>(Baby, it's bad out there.)<br>Say, what's in this drink?  
>(No cabs to be had out there.)<br>I wish I knew how  
>(Your eyes are like starlight now.)<br>To break this spell.  
>(I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell.)<br>I ought to say "no, no, no Sir".  
>(Mind if I move in closer?)<br>At least I'm gonna say that I tried.  
>(What's the sense in hurtin' my pride?)<br>I really can't stay.  
>(Oh Baby don't hold out)"<p>

When her clear alto voice harmonized with his smooth baritone, they sounded as if they'd practiced, "Baby it's cold out side."

Rick kissed the pulse point on her neck while she continued singing the next verse.

"I simply must go.  
>(But Baby it's cold outside.)<br>The answer is no.  
>(But Baby it's cold outside.)<br>Your welcome has been  
>(How lucky that you dropped in.)<br>So nice and warm  
>(Look out the window at that storm.)<br>My sister will be suspicious.  
>(Gosh your lips look delicious.)<br>My brother will be there at the door.  
>(Waves upon the tropical shores.)<br>My maiden aunt's mind is vicious.  
>(Oh, your lips look delicious.)<br>Well maybe just a cigarette more.  
>(Never such a blizzard before.)<br>I've gotta get home.  
>(But baby you'd freeze out there.)<br>Say, lend me a coat.  
>(It's up to your knees out there.)<br>You've really been grand  
>(I thrill when you touch my hand.)<br>But don't you see?  
>(How can you do this thing to me?)<br>There's bound to be talk tomorrow.  
>(Think of my lifelong sorrow,)<br>At least there will be plenty implied.  
>(If you got pneumonia and died)<br>I really can't stay.  
>(Get over that hold out.)<p>

Again they created a beautiful harmony as the song ended, "Ahh but it's cold outside."

As the notes faded, they were drawn to each other with such intensity, that the meeting of their lips almost hurt for a second.

She hadn't felt this level of passion since Thanksgiving day at the station.

The voice in Kate's head told her to stop before going home became any harder, but her heart soared to new heights as she embraced the feelings she'd been trying so hard to hold back.

When Rick moved his lips away to nip lightly along the length of her neck, she couldn't stop the breathy sigh from slipping out, which only encouraged his ministrations.

It was only when she felt the hot skin of his back under her fingertips, that reality set it.

_When had she untucked his shirt? When had he removed her top button so that he could access the skin covering her collar bone? When had the room become so unbearably hot?_

Slower that she knew she should, she stepped back.

"Rick, we..., I..."

"I'm sor..."

Kate moved her fingers to his lips. "Shhh. Don't tell me you're sorry. I'm not."

"You're not?"

"No. Should I be?"

He only shrugged.

"There's nothing wrong with kissing the man I'm dating is there?"

"I certainly hope not." Rick said with a suggestively raised eyebrow, as he reached again for her waist.

"But it really shouldn't go any farther. Not yet."

She could tell from the disappointment in his eyes that he'd been hoping for more, but she knew that right now, giving a little more would lead to giving a lot more, and she wasn't ready, not completely.

"You're not gonna run off on me are you?" Rick asked.

She smiled. I'm not going anywhere any time soon. Did you see how messy that kitchen is?"

It took almost an hour to get everything cleaned and put away, and Kate really knew she should leave, but Rick had other plans.

"You said that when you were little, your family always watched 'It's A Wonderful Life' every Christmas Eve, and I happen to have that exact movie queued up in the blue ray player. If you'd like to stay and watch it with me, I'll drive you home afterward. What do you say?"

Kate was touched that Rick remembered that little detail she'd told him. "On one condition."

"Name it."

"We can't watch 'It's A Wonderful Life' without hot chocolate and marshmallows."

"You drive a hard bargain, woman, but I think I can concede. Go make yourself comfy on the couch and I'll take care of the cocoa."

Alexis came home just before the movie ended and waved to the couple curled up together on the couch.

When Castle took her home, he parked and walked her to the door. After it was open and she'd tossed her things down, she turned back to tell him good night. He was holding a sprig of mistletoe over his head, while trying to maintain a look of feigned innocence.

"You know, you didn't need the mistletoe, I would have kissed you anyway."

"I wasn't willing to take any chances."

Kate, closed the distance between them and stood on her tiptoes to plant a kiss on Rick's stubbled cheek. Then, she tilted his head toward her and brought her mouth fully to his.

The kiss was long and slow and still held the fainted hints of chocolate and mint from their earlier cocoa .

When they came up for air, Rick brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, and gently rubbed her cheek with his thumb. "I've never been more excited for Christmas morning to arrive."

"Why?"

"Because I get to be with you again."

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Katie, what's wrong? You're look more nervous than a fat turkey on Thanksgiving morning. You bringing your work home with you again?"

"No, Dad. I'm fine. Work's fine. Everything is going great."

She could tell by the look on her dad's face that he wasn't convinced, but he did let it drop.

"Can I get you some more coffee or cheesecake?"

"I need to wait a little longer before having seconds on dessert. That roast and everything else was just delicious. But I will let you refill my cup."

Kate stood from up from the couch and wandered into the kitchen, trying not to look at the clock. Rick would be there any minute. She hadn't been this flustered about her dad meeting one of her boyfriends since prom, which was ridiculous because, one, they already knew each other and two, she was a grown woman.

Just as she handed her father the steaming mug, there was a knock at the door.

"Who's stopping by on Christmas?" Jim wondered aloud.

"Um, Castle, Dad. I was expecting him."

"Oh!"

Kate went to answer the door and wiped her palms on her skirt as she went. Right before turning the knob she took a deep calming breath and glanced back at her dad, who was now standing up, watching her with interest.

"Merry Christmas, Kate!" Rick said softly, the moment the door opened.

Gone were the Santa hat and Charlie Brown Christmas tree shirt that he'd worn that morning to the hospital. Instead, he now wore a slate gray suit, a crisp sangria red dress shirt and his best black wool coat.

"Merry Christmas, Rick," she replied.

She stepped back, to let him him. As he did so, he handed her a white pastry box and a small plastic container. "Mother sent over an apple cranberry pie, and fresh whipped cream."

"Tell her thanks for me."

"Will do."

After Rick's coat was hung up, Kate led him back to the living room where her dad was still watching everything with quiet curiosity.

"Dad, you remember Rick Castle."

"I do." Jim extended his hand, as did Castle. "Good to see you again Rick."

"Good to see you to, Sir."

Suddenly nerves got the best of her, and Kate had to leave the room to calm her jitters. "I'm going to go put this away, I'll be right back."

Kate retreated quickly to the kitchen, which wasn't really an escape, considering it was essentially an extension of the same room, but at least she wasn't standing awkwardly between the two most important men in her life.

When her dad spoke again to Rick, her hearing perked up, allowing her to casually eavesdrop on the conversation.

"Since the last time we saw each other, I uh, read your latest books, Heat Rises, Heat Wave, _Naked Heat_."

Kate spun around as soon as she heard the implications in her dad's voice.

"Oh." Rick squirmed nervously.

Her dad just looked back at her with amusement. He was totally messing with him.

"Well, uh, though my books, they're, uh, grounded in reality, a lot of the aspects of them are just pure fantasy."

Kate was frozen in place as her father just stared at Rick, who was not only sticking his foot in his mouth, but currently trying to swallow it whole.

"Not my, not my, not my personal fantasies," he stuttered frantically. "Just, out of my imagination. Not that I'm imagining that all the time. I'm just... I'm not doing a very good job of explaining myself."

"I think you're doing fine, Rick."

"You're very kind."

Rick shot Kate a nervous glance, breaking her from her frozen state.

"Dad, leave him alone."

"What?"

"You know what!"

Kate strode back to the men, coming to a stop at Rick's side.

"Ahhh Katie, Rick here has a daughter and a sense of humor. I'm sure he loves to give the guys in her life a hard time too. It's in the Father's of Beautiful Daughters Handbook." Jim turned to Rick with a smile. "Am I right?"

"Yes, yes you are. There was this one time a boy came to pick Alexis up and I had everything prepared, bloody lab coat, severed head..."

"Rick. Maybe this isn't the time for this particular conversation."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

Kate took note that her dad hadn't stopped grinning like the cat who ate the canary, for several minutes now, and knew he was putting all the pieces together.

She sat down on the couch, with Rick sitting fairly close.

Her dad sat on the chair facing them.

"Dad, I know during Christmas and other holidays, it's usually just us, but there's a reason I invited Rick over today."

Kate noticed that even though it was subtle, her dad's semi-suppressed smile got a bit bigger, and the twinkle in his eye brightened. He leaned forward on his knees watching both of them.

"We wanted to tell you that, we've started seeing each other."

Jim just nodded without speaking.

"As in, we're a couple."

"It's about time. You've been talking about him nonstop for almost four years. For a while I thought you two would have made me a grandfather by now. Then everything happened and I was starting to wonder if you guys would ever get yourselves sorted out."

Kate and Rick sat in complete shock.

_Did my dad just bring up grand kids!_ Kate screamed in her head.

"Look Dad, we're nowhere near that serious yet. We just started this relationship a few weeks ago and we're moving slowly, cuz we don't want to mess this up. So don't go renting tuxes or buying teddy bears just yet."

"Ya know Katie, your mom and I were colleagues for almost three years. People talk about being struck by a bolt of lightning; with us, it was more of a slow burn. Took me three years to realize I was in love with her, and I would give_ anything_ to have a minute of that time back. You know, you think you're gonna have all the time in the world, but no one does. After this year, you know that, even if you didn't before. I don't want to push you into anything, and I won't bring this up again, because it's your lives, not mine, but if you really care about each other, and I sincerely believe you do, don't let yourselves lose more time by playing it too safe, by letting things that you can't control get in the way. You don't want to look back on your lives and realize that you wasted even one precious minute."

Sometime while her dad was speaking to them, Rick had taken her hand and was holding on tight.

Kate didn't know what to say. So many things came to mind, but none she could put into words. Not here, not now.

Finally after what seemed like an endless silence, Rick spoke. "Thank you Jim, for sharing that. I have no idea what the future holds or when life will lead us to the next step in our journey, whatever that may be, but I think I can speak for both of us when I say, now that we've opened up to each other, there are no more wasted minutes, because every moment we spend together is a gift."

"I'm glad to hear that."

Kate still couldn't speak. Rick squeezed her shoulder and then stood. "I need some pie. Can I get some for anyone else?"

Jim accepted and Kate nodded numbly.

While Rick was preparing the pie, Jim joined Kate on the couch. "I didn't mean to upset you, Honey. Are you OK?"

"I'm fine, I'm just trying to take everything in."

"You know I'm not trying to tell you what to do with your life or anything like that. But I've seen all the good he's brought to your life, and how happy he makes you. I know how that feels, cuz that's what your mom did for me. I know you and your mom are two peas in a pod, but we're a lot alike too. That's why I told you what I did. I just want you to know the happiness I knew, and to enjoy it for as long as possible."

Kate leaned into her dad for a hug, but somehow it felt like he was holding her, like he did when she was a child. It was nice.

She swallowed a lump that had formed in her throat and quietly whispered in his ear, "Thank you Dad."

XXXXXXXXXXX

After Jim went home, Kate and Rick stood side by side, washing and drying the dessert plates and coffee cups. It was very domestic and comfortable.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, Gates called me into her office before I left, Friday. She needed to talk schedules with me. Karpowski finally turned in her dates for her maternity leave. She's going to take off earlier than expected, like as soon as Ryan gets back from his honeymoon. So Gates wanted to try swapping a few things around, meaning I now have New Years weekend off, but have to work Valentines and Easter."

"So you can come to my party?"

"Yep!"

"Do the guys have it off too?"

"Yes."

"Awesome! I'll call them tomorrow and make sure they're coming too."

"Now I need to go out and get an outfit to wear."

"Can I come shopping too?"

Kate wrinkled her nose. "I thought most guys hated shopping."

"I'm not most guys."

"Hmmmmm. You can say that again."

"I'm not most guys."

Kate thwacked Rick on the back end with the damp dish towel he was holding.

"Oh! So that's how were going to play this!" he said as he wiped a blob of bubbles onto the tip of her nose.

Kate didn't wipe them away immediately, but instead stood there making silly faces at Rick, giving him enough time to grab his phone out of his pocket and capture a quick picture.

"You are soooo adorkable!" he announced after looking at the picture.

"Adorkable? Should I be offended?"

"Not at all. I find adorkable to be very much my type. Very sexy!"

He showed her the picture on the screen of his phone. Her eyes were crossed, her bubble covered nose was scrunched up and her tongue was sticking way out. "Oh lord, Rick erase that! I look ridiculous!"

"No you don't! I love it. I think I'll change that to your caller ID pic!"

She swiped at him to grab the phone but he was quicker, and shoved it in his pants pocket, silently challenging her to come and get it.

"Castle, do I have to go get my gun?"

"Oooooh wearing bubble and brandishing a weapon! Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?"

Kate wiped the soap suds from her face with the towel and leveled him with the most serious look she could muster.

"So you like your women wearing soap and weapons. Does that mean I should never expect you to give me lingerie?"

"Ooooooh Kate, lets not go there right now. I don't know that I have the will power tonight."

Kate softened at his honesty. "Fair enough."

"Speaking of gifts, though, I have one for you."

"You didn't have to do that!"

Rick shook his head as he took her hand and led her to the couch next to her table top tree. "I like giving gifts for no reason at all, so if you think I'm not getting my new girlfriend a Christmas gift, you're nuts!"

Kate smiled. She really didn't need a gift, but she wasn't surprised that he'd gotten her something. She just hoped that her gift to him would be as nice.

"Close your eyes," he commanded softly." And put out your hands."

She did as she was told, and was soon holding a long lightweight box.

"OK, you can open them."

She did, and looked down to see the box covered in shiny gold paper and tied with a red velvet bow.

Childlike excitement welled up within her as she carefully untied the soft ribbon. When she opened the lid, she had to admit to herself that she was surprised. A part of her had expected jewelry. The box had been a similar size to the one her dad had given her earlier which had contained a beautiful green and blue Kate Spade necklace. But this box didn't have jewelry, it contained a layer of colorful gravel.

Kate looked to find Rick holding his breath.

She was really confused. She knew that it meant something but she had no idea what.

"Thank you!" she said hesitantly, not knowing what else to say.

"Don't thank me yet. You haven't even see the gift. Look under the gravel."

Carefully, so as not to spill, Kate poured the small bright stones onto the coffee table and then looked back into the box. She removed the slip of paper that had been hiding and slowly read over it.

"Rick, this is a gift certificate to a pet store."

"Yes it is. My gift to you is a fully stocked aquarium with two years of scheduled cleaning and maintenance. But there was no way I could carry that in my pocket, so I figured this was the way to go."

"But there are a lot of zeros on this. It's too much. I can't accept it."

"Yes you can. Trust me, I would have tripled that in a second if I thought I could have gotten away with it. I was hoping that sometime this week I could take you to the store and help you pick out which tank you want and which fish, then they'll come set it up and after a couple days they'll stock it with the fish you selected. All you have to do is feed them and enjoy them. The store will send someone out every month to handle all the cleaning and maintenance."

"Rick, this is so sweet and so wonderful. I love it. I really do. But I don't need anything this extravagant."

"Kate, I know you aren't with me for my money and you don't expect to be showered with expensive gifts, and I love that about you. But I also love being able to spoil you too. If we're going to be together, you're going to have to get used to the idea that from time to time, I'm not going to be able to resist giving you extravagant things. It's not because you want them or because I'm trying to buy you. It's because I want to give you everything you deserve and desire. It brings me joy to be able to treat you like a princess, and that would be the same whether I had a couple bucks or a couple million. Please accept this. I know how much you treasure the memories of you and your mom with her aquarium. Now I want you to be able to make new memories with your own."

A slow smile spread across her face. "I don't deserve this. And I don't deserve you. But I'm so lucky to have both. Thank you so much! I love... it."

Unadulterated joy radiated from every pore on Rick's face. "You are so welcome, Kate. I'm glad you love... it. Now what did you get me?"

Kate faked disbelief. "What do you mean, what did I get you? Who says I got you anything? I'm pretty sure Santa told me you were naughty this year."

"Oh, Santa must be thinking about other years. I've been very good this year. It's been very hard, but well worth it." Innuendo dripped with every word, making Kate blush slightly. "Besides, I saw the box under the tree with my name on it."

"You snoop!"

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. I can't resist."

"Are you forty or four?"

"On Christmas? Definitely four!"

Kate just laughed and turned around to get the aforementioned box, and then stretched behind the end table and pulled out a second gift wrapped in matching paper.

"OK, which one do you want first?"

"I get two?"

"Yes, you get two, but one at a time. So pick."

As Castle's eyes darted back and forth between the two packages, Kate truly believed his inner child might suddenly explode with excitement.

"I can't help it," he said, "I have to go with the big one first."

Kate placed the smaller box in her lap and used both hands to lift the larger gift up to Rick.

With all of the careful grace that most toddlers have, he eagerly ripped away all the snow flake covered paper and let it fall to the floor.

"Slow down there, Cowboy. You don't want it to break."

He grinned sheepishly. "Sorry."

With only slightly more controlled movements, Rick lifted the lid to the box and tossed the tissue paper on the floor. But as soon as he saw the two foot by two foot framed photograph, he completely stilled.

"Oh my gosh, Kate, this is beautiful. Did you take it?"

"No. Actually while I was out looking for a gift for the man who has everything, I came across this little gallery. I went in, mostly to just get away from the crowds of shoppers, and there were all these terrific photos of sunrises and sunsets from all these random places around the city. I mean like places most people would never be to see them, sides of abandoned buildings, from in alleys, on top of bridges and cell towers. Really cool unique shots. Anyway there's like one other person in there and she comes up to talk to me. Turns out, she's the photographer, Poppy Glendale. Her day job is in city maintenance, so she changes street light bulbs and helps on minor bridge upkeep and stuff, but her passion is photography, so she started carrying her camera with her to capture everything she got to see. I was totally wowed and told her so. We ended up spending like an hour talking about her work and she showed me some prints she had just taken and hadn't hung up yet, and one of them was this. When I saw it, I knew that's what I wanted to give you."

Rick lifted the picture from the box and stared at the photograph. It was a picture of one of the reddest suns he'd ever seen, just barely rising over the dark, icy blue harbor. But what made it so perfect was that it was taken through a hole in a snowy brick wall.

All of Rick's previous playfulness had melted away, as profound emotion took over. "It's perfect."

"I thought so."

"Did the artist title it?"

"Yeah, she did." Kate answered. "It's called, 'Breaking Through'."

Rick took Kate's hand. Thank you so much. I really can't tell you how magnificent this is."

"I'm glad you like it."

"Like doesn't begin to cover it. Would you mind if I hung it in my room? At first I was thinking my office, but it seems too...personal, too intimate to hang in such an open room. I'd like to keep it closer to me."

"Sure."

"I just wanted to ask, because I would hate for you to come over and not see it, and then think I didn't want to hang it up."

"I understand. I think then that your room is exactly where it should be."

"Again, thank you."

"You're very welcome."

Unspoken words bounced back between the couple as they stared lovingly into each other's eyes.

When Kate began to lean forward to kiss him, the other gift slid to the floor.

"Oh! I almost forgot about this one."

She handed him the smaller box and sat back to watch. She knew he was going to be surprised.

It didn't take him long to open it, and when he did, he picked up the brass key and looked to her with eyes full of questions.

"It's a key to my place."

His eyebrows shot upward so fast, that it made Kate chuckle.

Rick cleared his throat before he could talk again. "Um, I thought we were taking things slow. This seems like we've skipped a few steps."

"I'm not asking you to move in or anything like that, but the other day when I was sick, you needed to get in here to get to me. And I needed you to get to me. I don't foresee something like that happening again, but I did realize that I want you to be able to come and go as you need to. Even though we aren't living together or even sleeping together, I want to open my home completely to you."

He was clearly in disbelief. "Are you sure? This is a big step, and I know that by nature, you're a private person."

"I am, but I don't want to have to be, not with you. I'm trying to break through the walls, not shore them up. And this, although it's more a physical wall than an emotional one, I want you to be able to get through, at any time."

"You trust me with this?"

"I do. I may have a ways to go with a lot of aspects in my life and our relationship, but I know, that at the heart of it, despite my other hang ups, I trust you, completely."

"Some people may spend all their time and money trying to give the perfect gift, but I have to say I've never received anything better than what you've given me tonight." Rick lightly fingered the frame and the key before placing them on the coffee table. Then he turned so he fully faced Kate and cupped her cheek in his hand. "Because you gave me the only thing I could ever want, and that's a way in to your heart."

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: I don't have much to say today, except that I really hope you like this nice big chapter! I really enjoyed writing this one! It totally kicked off my annual need to listen to Christmas music every day!  
><strong>

**Thank you all for the feedback you continue to send me. Every kind word brings a bigger smile to my face. It really helps me plow through the more difficult aspects of writing.**

**And to the readers just finding this story and joining us for the journey, welcome to the party! There's always room for more!**

**Last but not least, I do not own the words/music for "Baby, It's Cold Outside." And in case you're wondering, the version I was listening to, and imagined Rick playing is the Zoe Deschanel/Leon Redbone version from the "Elf" movie soundtrack.**

**Happy "Castle" Monday! See you again on Wednesday!**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

"Hey Kate, something came up last minute. I have a meeting I need to sit in on. I'll probably be running a little late, so don't expect me for lunch. I'll call you when I get out though, and we can still meet up and go shopping. Miss you! And I'm sorry!"

Kate hit the button on her phone, ending the voice mail, and then slammed it on her desk. In reality, she knew she had no real reason to be upset. Her job called her away much more often than his did, but she had really been looking forward to their day out.

Everything had been going so well too. She'd come in two hours early so that she could wrap up her paperwork and leave by noon. Ryan and Esposito had both come and gone, so she didn't have to explain her early departure to them and even Gates was out of the office for the day. Now she was ready to go early, and her lunch date was canceled.

She looked at her watch, she had less than an hour left to when she was supposed to meet Rick. Now it would probably be at least two. She looked over her desk, she was completely caught up on her paperwork and no bodies had dropped in two days. She really had nothing pressing to accomplish.

A thought popped into her mind, tempting her to take action. At first she pushed it away, but the longer she sat there bored, the more it nagged her.

After taking a quick look around to make sure no one was watching, Kate opened her bottom drawer, removed her purse and then lifted up the false bottom she'd rigged up several months earlier, revealing several thick manilla folders. She selected the top one and then quickly replaced everything as it was.

For the next two hours, Kate poured over notes, files and reports concerning Captain Halstead. Even though there was no proof, yet, that he was connected to her mom's murder, she knew deep down that he was.

At one point Kate heard the elevator open, and immediately shoved the papers into the file, just in case Castle emerged and found what she was working on. She'd promised him to let it drop for a while, and although time had passed since she'd last looked over everything, she still knew he'd worry that she was getting sucked in again if he found the case spread across her desk.

When only a file clerk exited the elevator, Kate re-opened the file folder and found a post-it note she didn't remember seeing before. It was a list of three dates, all written in Ryan's hand writing. The first date was the date that the bank began storing its records in the warehouse. The second date was the date of the warehouse fire, but the third date she didn't recognize.

She could just ask Ryan about the note, but hesitated, knowing that the boys were just as concerned about her delving back into her mom's case as Castle was. Instead, she typed a note with the date into her phone. She'd have to check it with the files she had at home.

Just as she hit the save button, her phone began to ring and Rick's smiling face appeared on her screen.

"Hi!" she answered.

"Hi to you too. I'm done, where are you? I'll come meet up with you."

"I'm still at the station, but I'm finishing up, now."

"Still? I thought you didn't have much to do today."

"I didn't have much, but you know how it is, there's always something."

"Yeah."

Kate heard someone in the background, say something to Rick that sounded suspiciously like, "Cya Bro."

"Did I just hear Esposito?"

"Um, uh, I don't think so. Isn't he with you?"

"No, he and Ryan left a few hours ago."

"Oh. No, I don't know what you heard. He's not with me."

Her gut told her he was lying, or at the least, being evasive. But she couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was just the guilt over reopening her mom's case, eating at her. Now she thought everyone was being sneaky.

"No, of course not. So did you eat at your meeting?"

She swore she heard him sigh before answering. "No and I'm starved. Wanna meet me at Remmy's in like fifteen minutes?"

"Sure. See you in a few."

XXXXXXXXXXX

By the time Rick dropped Kate off that night, she was exhausted. It had been a long day, but a fun one filled with eating, shopping, and even an impromptu snowball fight in the park.

Kate tossed her bags on the bed and began removing each purchase one by one.

From the pet store, she had bags and bags of black and purple gravel for her fish tank, a motorized treasure chest that opened and closed, a large decorative rock and a giant castle, because Rick insisted that if she had her own Castle, her pets deserved one too. The plants they bought would come when the sixty-five gallon vertical tube tank arrived on Tuesday, and the fish would arrive several days later on Saturday.

She still couldn't believe she was now the owner of such a unique and luxurious tank, but when they saw it in the store's catalog, they both knew immediately that it was the one.

Next, she opened the silver boutique bag and removed the emerald green chiffon cowl neck tank top with sequin accents, and short, black leather skirt she'd bought for the New Year's Eve party at Rick's loft the next night. She hadn't let him see her in it and she hadn't let him buy it for her, despite his valiant efforts to change her mind.

Just looking at the outfit laid out on her bed, made her excited. She couldn't wait to see his face when he saw her wearing it.

Finally, she opened the last bag and removed its one possession. The palm sized silver heart shown brightly in her hand as she stared at it. It was from a small family owned gift and card store. They hadn't planned to go in at first but when Rick said that he needed to get Ryan and Jenny a card for their impending wedding, she followed him.

He picked a card fairly quickly. It was sweet and funny, very Castle-esque. Then they spent some time just looking around the store. When they came to all the Christmas clearance items, Rick saw an ornament that caught his eye. It was a smooth sterling silver heart that opened like a locket to reveal a picture, had a dangling strand of red and clear crystals, was hung by a red satin cord and was engraved with the words '2011, Our First Christmas Together'.

Without saying a single word, Rick inspected it, smiled and winked at her, then headed to the counter.

"Rick, what are you doing?" Kate asked, following closely behind.

"Paying for my purchases."

"No, what are doing with that ornament?"

"Like I said, paying for it."

Kate bit her tongue momentarily as he handed his things to the cashier.

"If you would like, I can engrave initials on the back." The young woman told him, as she rang up the ornament.

Rick didn't even think about it, he just nodded and answered "R & K, please."

When the young woman disappeared into the back room, Kate questioned Rick again.

"Monogrammed ornaments? Don't you think its a little soon for this?"

"Kate, it's an ornament, not a mortgage. I'm sure it will be fine."

"Those ornaments are meant for newlyweds."

"Who says? It didn't say anything about marriage, just '1st Christmas together'. So unless you are planning to end things before next Christmas, we're golden!"

She knew there would be no swaying him. His mind was made up; he was convinced of his logic.

There was no more talk of the ornament, until he dropped her off at home several hours later.

"Here," he told her, when he handed her the bag. "My tree is down already, for the party tomorrow. You take this and put it on yours."

Kate sighed and took the bag from his outstretched hand.

"This is yours. I really think you should keep it," she countered.

"Joint custody. You can give it back to me next year, if necessary."

"If necessary? I thought when you bought it, you were pretty confident that we'd still be together next year?"

"I am. But I'm not as confident, that we'll have separate trees at separate houses."

Before Kate could argue, Rick silenced her with a kiss. "Relax, it's a year away. No sense getting all worked up about it now."

_Why does he do this_, she thought. _Why bait me with a future no one can be sure of?_

Wisely she kept her questions to herself, and listened quietly as he went over the plans for tomorrow one last time.

After he left, Kate practically ran for her journal. So much was racing through her head and heart she had to sort everything out before she could function at anything else.

December 30, 2011

It's the day before New Year's Eve. Tomorrow we say goodbye to 2011 and welcome 2012. For many people, myself included, we'll ring in the new year at a loud, celebratory party, without much thought for what has happened in the past or may happen in the future. But tonight, alone in my quiet home, for better or worse, I'm free to really put some thought into it all.

What can I say about 2011? It's certainly not a year I will forget. I am not the same person I was last year at this time. In the last three hundred and sixty-five days, there are parts of me that have died and parts that are just beginning to live. I've faced fears and found courage, allowed myself moments of weakness and pulled myself up by the bootstraps.

I suppose it's not a surprise, that when I reminisce, the first things that come to mind are being shot and Montgomery's death. Even after seven months, the pain is still sharp and raw, but at least I'm learning to work through it. I could easily keep going on this, but I don't want to let myself go down that hole right now. I don't want that week to define an entire year of my life. I let that happen, for so much longer when my mom died, and it's time I can't get back.

The other main focus for me this year, has been Castle. We've come so far. There are times when I just want to take his hand and dive into a future with him. He seems so sure that it will all work out well. Today he even bought an "Our 1st Christmas" ornament for us and then casually mentioned that by next Christmas we might be living together.

He throws these ideas around so casually. I don't know if he's testing me or trying to soften the blow. Either way, they really kinda freak me out. I mean, what am I supposed to say to that?

I guess that brings me to the year fast approaching. If 2012 is as full and momentous as 2011, I don't know that I can even picture myself in a year's time. Who will be here? Who will be gone? What relationships will move forward? Which ones will end? Where will I be in my life, my career?

Obviously these are questions that can't be answered yet, and frankly I wouldn't want answered right now. But I still can't help thinking about them.

Kate sat with the pen hovering over the page for a long while before finally deciding to leave it at that. After putting it all away, she fetched her shopping bags. She wanted to look at the ornament again.

Now that she held it in her hand, a warmth filled her, instead of nervousness or annoyance or panic. It truly was a beautiful ornament, something she would have picked herself, under other circumstances. Realizing that she hadn't seen the inside when Rick inspected it at the store, she carefully opened the clasp and pried the two halves apart.

On the right side was a place to insert a picture, but on the left, in a pre-made inscription were the words, "Two souls, one heart, for now and always".

_No wonder he closed it before I could look inside. He knew I'd never let him buy it._

Kate let her finger graze over the grooves the words made. She closed the locket again and flipped it over to see Rick's initial next to hers. She liked it. She really liked it.

She knew she wouldn't put the trinket away and wait to see what next Christmas brought. Her tree would be up for another week or so, and it would proudly display her newest treasure. It just needed one thing first.

Kate headed straight to her office, booted up her computer and scrolled through her emails until she found the one Rick had sent her a couple days earlier. In it were a handful of pictures Alexis had taken on Christmas Eve while baking. The last one was of Rick, who was wearing his Santa hat, holding her in her striped apron and kissing the tip of her nose. Anyone who saw the picture would be able to tell from her giant smile and their radiant eyes that they were a couple in love. She loved the picture, but because they were keeping their relationship quiet, had left it untouched in her email inbox. But not anymore.

Fifteen minutes later she printed out a small version of the picture, cut it out and placed it in the ornamental heart.

Kate then went back to her tree and hung it up, still open to her and the world. She might not be ready yet for life long commitments or big steps like living together, but she could no longer hide that they were a couple.

XXXXXXXXXXX

In order to respect Kate's need to maintain the privacy of their relationship, they'd agreed that she would come to the party on her own just as if they were still just friends.

When the elevator opened to the Castle's floor, music could already be heard in the hall. Kate walked to the door and took one more quick look at her appearance before knocking.

Several heartbeats later, Martha threw the door open wide.

"Kate Darling, I'm glad you were able to make it!" she gushed. "Let me take your coat."

Once Martha had taken her coat and wandered off, Kate was able to look around the loft. The furniture had all either been rearranged or removed, leaving plenty of room for guests to mingle, dance or just stand at the bar.

Over the loud noise, Kate didn't hear Rick approach her from behind, but knew he was next to her the moment his hand touched the small of her back.

While trying to appear casual, he leaned in close and whispered in her ear. "I thought you'd never get here."

"Well you know, me, fashionably late."

"I can't actually say that you're late, but certainly fashionable. You look stunning." He moved so that they were facing. " The color of your top, really brings out the green in your eyes."

"Well thank you, kind sir, you're pretty hot yourself."

Rick was dressed all in black, with black pants and a new black shirt that had metallic black pinstripes.

"This old thing? It was just the first thing in my closet."

"I'm sure," Kate laughed.

"Hey I want you to meet my friends Bill and Suzanne Gabrileze."

And with that, Rick began leading her from person to person, introducing her as "Detective Kate Beckett, his very good friend and partner."

Even though that's what they'd agreed to earlier in the week, a part of her felt disappointed that he wasn't telling the world that she was also his girlfriend. She wasn't prepared for that realization.

As the night progressed, they got together long enough to share a few dances, but he had hosting responsibilities and they we're trying not to look too much like a couple, so they made sure they danced and mingled with others as well. Kate danced with Ryan and Esposito, James Patterson, a congressional candidate, a retired Knicks player and several of Rick's other friends and neighbors, but no matter who she was with, no matter where Rick was in the room, they were always able to catch each other's eye.

She watched him with amusement as he spun Lanie and Jenny around the dance floor more than once, and smiled when he led his mother and then daughter to the music. But the times he danced with others like Gina or Paula or other beautiful women she didn't know, a sick, angry feeling gnawed at her insides. It wasn't the first time she'd been jealous, seeing him with someone, but it was the first time since they began seeing each other. She hated the feeling because she knew she had no reason to feel that way. Rick was devoted to her, he wasn't doing anything wrong, and if she'd just have been willing to come out with the truth of their relationship, she could be in his arms at any time.

Javier dropped his arm from around Kate's side when the latest song ended. "If I didn't know what was going on with you two, I'd be completely offended."

The two friends walked together to the bar for drinks.

"Excuse me?"

"You ignored me the entire song, Becks."

"I did not."

"Then why didn't you answer me when I asked what your dad was doing tonight?"

"I guess I didn't hear you. The music is awfully loud."

"It's not THAT loud. You just couldn't stop watching Castle dance with the blonde in the skimpy gold dress."

Kate furrowed her brow and took a long drink from her glass. "Well did you see her? She's throwing herself at him! Can't she tell he's not interested?"

"Jealousy isn't an attractive look for you Kate. Why don't you just go stake your claim so its not an issue?"

Lanie joined them at the end of the conversation. "Trust me Javi, I've tried more than once to get her to cave and she isn't budging."

Kate still hadn't given her friends an answer. She'd tuned them out as she watched the bimbo in the tiny gold dress try to claim Rick for another dance.

He took her hands off his shoulders, squeezed them and stepped away. As he left the woman, Rick sought Kate out with his eyes and made a bee line toward her as soon as he spotted her. He only made it about halfway across the room though, when Patterson stopped him and began talking his ear off.

Kate looked around the loft and decided that what she needed was some space, so she headed through the office out to the patio. It was cold out but the chill was refreshing compared to the smothering heat of the crowd indoors.

She didn't know how long she was outside, just watching the traffic move steadily on the street below, when a plush throw blanket was wrapped lightly around her shoulders.

"I miss you," Rick stated as he stepped next to her.

"I know. I miss you too."

"Are you having any fun?"

"Yeah, the party is great, I just got a little warm."

Silence hung between them for a while as they just stood out in the relative quiet of the New York night.

"Kate, you know, you're the only woman I want to be with, right? The others I've danced with don't mean anything to me."

"I know Rick. I do. It just surprised me to see how, damn I hate saying this, but how jealous it made me feel watching them fawn all over you."

Rick puffed out his chest a little. "Don't like sharing huh?"

"Not my man!"

"Ooooh, Kate. That's hot say it again!"

Before she could tease him or smack him, she hadn't yet decided which he deserved, Lanie tapped on the glass door and poked her head out. It's almost midnight, just thought you might want to know.

Kate smiled and nodded at her friend. "Thanks."

The petite doctor disappeared back into the loft, allowing the couple their privacy.

Rick took Kate's hand and rubbed his thumb across her knuckles."I have to go in there and count down."

"I know."

"I won't kiss you in front of everyone, but promise me you'll hang around for a while so I can get my New' Year's kiss later tonight."

"Deal."

Together the couple headed back in to the party. The song playing was coming to an end and the DJ announced that there was one minute left until the new year. The caterers were passing out trays of champagne.

Rick took two and handed one to Kate as they made there way to the front of the room.

When they got to the small make shift stage holding the DJ booth, Rick took the microphone and stepped up so that everyone could see him.

"So is everyone having fun?"

The crowd cheers wildly.

"I want to thank you all for coming out tonight so that we can ring in the new year together."

More cheering.

"Well it looks like we have about fifteen seconds left, so grab a glass and a loved one while you can. "

Kate watched the large digital count down clock that was sitting on the DJ's sound board, 15, 14, 13...

She didn't expect to feel so emotional, but flashes of all that had happened in the last year raced through her mind.

When the clock flipped to ten, Rick's voice rang out, "10, 9..."

Kate stared at him as he announced each passing second. With _everything that happened, he was there._

"8, 7..."

_And he promised to be there for everything still to come._

"6, 5..."

_Can I give him that same promise? _

Rick smiled down at her. It melted her toes. She'd never felt like this with other men. "4, 3..."

Maybe she wasn't ready to make a long term commitment, but it was time to take steps forward, and what better time to start a new leg of your life than with a new year?

"2..."

What the hell? Carpe diem! Seize the day! Right?

"1! Happy New Year!"

Cheers rang out all over the loft and out into the streets. Auld Lang Syne poured from the speakers. From somewhere outside Kate could hear either fireworks or gunshots, but they barely pierced her conscious.

Rick leaned down, arms open for a friendly hug, but she stepped up to him at the same time and dug her fingers into the hair at the back of his head, bringing her mouth to his in a heated kiss.

They mutually wrapped their arms around each other as their lips continued to dance.

Neither heard the surprised silence grow as guests slowly looked up to see their host involved in a passionate embrace.

What they did end up hearing though was the applause that started at the back of the room, suspiciously close to where Lanie and Esposito were standing.

When they pulled apart, Rick was grinning from ear to ear and Kate shyly looked around at the crowd. She noticed that most people were smiling and nodding to each other, with the exception of two people. The first of which was a very pissed looking gold clad blonde, and the other was a certain Irish detective with his jaw hanging wide open.

Rick who still had his arm around her waist leaned in close and whispered. "If this is any indication of the year to come, it's going to be an exceptional year."

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: Wow! After writing the last couple chapters I feel like I've already lived through the holidays once this year. Now I get to do it again, and for real this time. To my American Friends... Happy Thanksgiving! To the rest of the world, I hope you have a marvelous rest of the week and weekend. To my fellow Black Friday shoppers, be careful, have fun, and stay safe!  
><strong>

**Thank you guys for the amazing response to the last chapter! You have really really warmed my heart! There really is nothing better for a writer, than knowing people enjoy the work you pour your heart into. And yes, I know this is "just fanfic" but I try to always give you my best!**

**Speaking of giving you my best, chapter 13 is still in its earliest stages, and with the holiday and the shopping and having company at our house all weekend, and my BETA having a life outside of waiting anxiously to edit for me, I cannot promise when I will get the next chapter out. I HOPE to still give you 2 chapters next week, and I HOPE to do it on Monday and Thursday as usual, but I won't just rush through and give you a half-assed chapter for the sake of a self imposed deadline. So I thank you in advance for your understanding in the next week or so, if I don't post as often as usual!**

** As always, happy reading, and have a great day! **

**DeBo81**


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Rick strolled into the bullpen, trying to look casual, but she could tell he wasn't quite himself. He sat down in his seat and leaned over her desk toward her.

She wouldn't look at him. She knew her eyes were most likely red rimmed with dark circles below them. She knew he would see what she tried to hide from everyone else.

"What are you doing here?" he whispered.

Kate kept her eyes on her computer screen even as she replied. "Working Rick. It's something most of us have to do."

"But why are you here today?"

"Because I can't just take days off when things get tough. I always work today."

"You didn't last year."

"I wasn't on call."

"Fine, but on the other years you worked, did you have nights like last night?"

"I don't know, maybe."

"Kate..."

She turned and faced him, keeping her voice very low. "Look, Rick. Yes, last night was an awful night, worse than it has been in years. This year it wasn't just the anniversary of my mom's murder, but all the memories of Montgomery's death and the shooting and everything. And I appreciate that you talked me through it all, but please don't try to get me to go home. I need to just keep working through it all. It's how I cope."

"It's how you used to cope."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means all those other years, you threw yourself into your job to either, dig into finding the truth of your mom's case or to keep yourself so busy, you didn't have to feel the pain. But you don't have to do that anymore. You have other outlets now, Dr. Burke, your journal you told me about," he paused, "You have me."

Kate rubbed her temples, trying to ease the pain of the headache banging in her skull. "It's not that simple."

"I didn't say it was. I just don't want to see you spiraling down that hole again. Last night you called me in the middle of a full blown panic attack. I respected your wishes and didn't come to you, but please, just listen to me. You don't have to be here today, putting on a brave face for your coworkers, or facing more death with every file and phone call. Take the rest of the day off. We'll go somewhere, anywhere, you name it. If you want to talk, we can talk. If you want to sit quietly, we'll sit quietly. If you want to be alone, I'll walk away, but please don't bury yourself here."

It was tempting. It really was. Beckett turned away from Rick and watched as Ryan posted crime scene photos on the white board, of the their latest case. The images made her stomach churn. She couldn't distance herself from what she saw. She could smell the metallic tang and feel the warm trickle of blood that wasn't even there.

She could feel her heart begin to race and her lower lip begin to tremble. If she couldn't pull herself together soon, she'd be a weeping mess again in no time. She wouldn't allow that to happen, not here in the station.

Castle's hand moved discreetly to her knee and squeezed her.

She turned back to him and saw the concern written all over his face. In all honesty, she didn't want to be here, but she always came in anyway because she didn't want to be alone, and for so long this was her answer to that. Rick was right though, she had other options now.

Kate glanced down at her watch, it was almost ten. Even though for many in the bullpen, the work day was less than two hours old, she'd been in since just after five. She'd already put in a half day, and she wasn't getting anywhere on the case. Maybe she should go.

Rick must have sensed her change in attitude, because he stood, took her jacket from the back of her chair and held it out for her.

Before she could change her mind, she nodded and began shutting down her computer.

"Ryan, I'm taking the rest of the day as a personal day."

He stopped what he was doing and watched her. He wasn't very good at masking his worry either. "I think that's a good idea. Take it easy. And don't worry, I'll talk to Gates. We'll see you tomorrow."

Kate didn't have to explain why she was leaving, "her boys" knew the relevance of January 9, as much as she did.

By the time she had her things together, Esposito had come back from down the hall. She noticed that he shared a look with Castle and felt that she'd probably been ganged up on, but at this point, that really didn't matter.

When they headed to the elevator, the guys waved but quickly returned to their work.

Once the doors shut, Castle wrapped an arm around her shoulders and briefly hugged her to his side before the doors re-opened.

Neither of them spoke as they walked down the block to where Rick's car was parked. He held the door for her and then got into the driver's seat before breaking the silence. "Where would you like to go? Home? The aquarium? Paris?"

Despite her blue mood, the fact that he just seriously offered to fly her off to Paris on a whim, made her smile. Rick really was one of a kind.

"I think I'd like to go home, but just for a few minutes, then over to Brooklyn."

"Brooklyn?"

"Yeah, Greenwood Cemetery."

When they arrived at her place, she left him in the car, and dashed upstairs to change and grab a few things. There was a message on her answering machine from the pet store wondering if they could deliver the fish later that evening. On her way back down she returned the call and arranged a time.

Once back in the car, with her backpack at her feet, Kate gave Rick the address.

"You want to stop for flowers or something first?"

"Not today. If I know my Dad, he was already there this morning. I doubt there would be much room for more right now anyway."

The entire trip was spent talking about why Kate and her dad didn't spend this day together.

"I guess if I had to sum it up, it's just that the last time we stood together at her grave it was to say goodbye. Now we both go occasionally but its just as private time. We used to meet for dinner, around the anniversary, but we were never hungry anyway, and I often got called away, so it just stopped happening."

Kate didn't go on any further because once they entered the large gates, she had to direct Rick around the large lawns, until they parked.

Together they got out, and she slung her backpack over her shoulder.

Rick hung back tentatively watching her, but she reached out a hand to him.

The sun broke through the clouds as they walked hand and hand up the snowy white hill.

When they reached the modest headstone bearing Johanna Beckett's name, Kate let go of his hand and knelt down in front of the granite slab. Hot, silent tears slid over her cold, rosy cheeks. She reached out and allowed her gloved hands to trace the etched name and date.

Even through the leather, the stone was ice cold, numbing her from her fingertips, up into her body.

After a few quiet moments, she stood back up and turned to Rick who stared at her with his own tears threatening to fall.

His obvious empathy warmed her again, fighting off the cold of both death and the weather.

When he tipped his head away to wipe at his eyes, Kate left him alone to recover. She took the moment to open her pack and pull out a small but thick blanket and spread it over the snow covered ground.

When she sat down on it, he joined her, and then hugged her to him.

When both Kate and Rick felt the peace of their environment return to them, she tugged away slightly.

"Rick, do you believe in heaven?"

"Yeah I do. Do you?"

"Yes. Or at least I hope its real. Hell too."

"I'm kinda surprised. I thought you didn't believe in anything you couldn't see."

"Just because I don't believe in ghosts and magic and zombie apocalypses, doesn't mean I don't think there's things that I can't see or explain."

He just nodded.

"My mom believed in God. She took my dad and I to church a lot when I was little. It all made a lot of sense, made me feel good. But as I got older, I didn't take the time to go anymore, and didn't really read my Bible. Then my mom was killed and I just couldn't believe that if there was this loving Diety out there, that he would let such horrible things happen, and especially not without punishing the person who did it. I was so consumed by anger and hate. I wanted to just bring my own justice into play. And doing what I do and seeing what I see, day in and day out, doesn't really make it any easier to believe, but I still hope there's heaven and hell, because otherwise, what is all this life for?"

"I don't know. I'd like to think that there's more after we die, though."

"Do you think if my mom's in heaven that she can see and hear me?"

"I do."

Kate grew quiet again for a while before reaching for her bag.

First, she removed a photo album with a well worn cover, and placed it in Rick's lap. Then she crawled toward the granite marker and removed three bricks and placed them, end to end, in front of the tombstone, between the colorful sprays of flowers.

"Mom, I know I don't usually just sit her and talk to you. I don't even know if you can hear me, but if you can, I want to introduce you to someone. Someone special. His name is Rick Castle. You would really like him. He's... well he's not like anyone else I've ever met. He shares your caring heart and eternal optimism. He's creative and smart and charming and funny and," Kate quickly looked over her shoulder at Rick. "and really handsome. But don't tell him I told you that. It'll go to his head, and he already has an inflated sense of self." She could hear his chuckle behind her.

"Anyway, I've tried to tell him about you, although my memories aren't as sharp as they used to be. He really likes you from what I've told him, so I wanted you to meet him too."

Kate looked around awkwardly, suddenly aware that she probably looked like a lunatic talking to a polished piece of rock. No one was around though, accept Rick and he moved closer to her and took her hand, giving her strength to go on.

"Anyway, if you can look down on me, you know how these last thirteen years have hardened me. You know about the walls I've built to keep people at a distance, and how I've hidden my heart in fear of pain that may never happen. But Rick here, he's slowly breaking through those walls. He's making his way into my heart. And now, I'm helping him bring these walls down too. That's why I brought these bricks today. He started giving them to me a couple months ago as a reminder of how far I've, no, we've come. It hasn't been easy, and I haven't been able to do it on my own, but before he was willing to help me, I didn't want to do it at all. I've been so afraid of letting you down, by not bringing your murderer to justice, but I've slowly realized that if I was going to let you down with something, it would be that I haven't lived my life. You never would have wanted that, whether you were here or not. But now I am living, Mom. Finally after all this time, and it's because of him."

As she spoke these things aloud in front of Rick, she expected to feel embarrassed, but instead she felt as if a weight lighted from her shoulders.

"I still miss you so much every day, and that won't change. It will especially be hard if I get married or have children one day and you aren't there, sharing it with me. But now, with Rick at my side, I'm starting to see the joys and happiness you gave me for nineteen years instead of focusing on what I don't have or have missed for these last thirteen. "

Kate wiped a tear away.

"I'm happy Mom. Like you always wanted for me. And I don't even feel guilty about it."

Just then, a bright red cardinal chirped from above and swopped down, landing on the center brick. It hopped once or twice and cocked it's head at the couple watching him. A few seconds later he flew off again, completely out of sight.

"I don't know about you, but I think that's a sign that your Mom is happy for you, Kate."

She turned to the man beside her, and smiled through her sadness. "I think so too."

Kate leaned so that her head was resting on his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close.

"Thank you Rick."

"You're welcome." He took several frosty breaths, and then kissed her cheek. "I know you're not ready to say it back yet, but I want to remind you that I love you."

"I know. And I'm getting there. I promise. It's just that when I do say it, I want it to be without hesitation or residual wall in the way."

"I understand, and I can't wait til that day arrives."

For the next twenty minutes, Kate showed Rick pictures in the album. Pictures of her parents from before she was born, up through her twelfth birthday, graced the yellowed paged. They laughed and smiled as she told him the stories that the beloved photos represented. Most of what they talked about was new, because she had forgotten about the album, and most of its contents. It was one she'd found up at her dad's cabin that summer while recovering.

It didn't matter that the air was growing colder around them or that the afternoon light faded as dark gray snow clouds rolled it. Only when the fat white flakes began to gather on the open pages, did they decide to pack up and go back to her place.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Oh my gosh, Castle you're getting everything wet, not to mention, you're probably freezing." Kate closed the door to her apartment behind Rick who was doing his best not to let his teeth chatter.

"I probably should go home. I can't really stay in these wet things."

Kate appraised her boyfriend who at the moment looked more like a half drowned rat than the usually suave and debonaire celebrity that he was.

She hadn't seen the cab that sped by until after it hit the half frozen puddle, nailing Rick with the resulting icy spray.

He was right. He couldn't stay in those clothes, but she really didn't want him to leave either. Her mind raced with possibilities. Nothing in her wardrobe would fit him. But then she remembered something.

"If you need to go home, I understand, but if you want to stay, I've got your sweat pants you left here when I was sick."

"Oh!" Rick's face perked up considerably. "I guess I could do that."

"Go to the bathroom and start taking that stuff off. I'll bring some clothes for you."

On another day, this would most likely progress differently, but after just coming from the cemetery, both of their libidos were dampened.

He kicked off his shoes and ran across the room in his sock clad feet, disappearing through her bedroom door, heading toward the bathroom.

Kate opened the door to the rather generous closet designated as her laundry room and stretched to the highest shelf where his pants were neatly folded. Once securing those, she wandered into her room to look through her drawers for a shirt that might fit over his large frame. At the bottom of her pajama drawer she found the Yankees t-shirt she'd won several summers back and pulled it out. After checking the tag and finding that it was a size large, she wondered back to the bathroom and rapped on the door.

"No peeking!" He replied in a teasing voice, but still opened the door.

If she had any misguided thoughts that perhaps Richard Castle was shy, they were quickly vanquished when the door swung open enough to bring him into view.

He was standing in the middle of a pile of damp clothes, wearing blue plaid flannel boxers and pulling his undershirt off his body.

Kate tried to talk, tried to hand him the clean, dry clothes, tried to rip her eyes off his muscled body, but found that she was completely unsuccessful, failing three for three.

After his shirt was off, he noticed her wanton stare and grinned.

"Thank you," he said innocently, taking the clothes from her.

She continued to stare as he pulled on the pants and then the shirt that hugged him snuggly.

"Can I throw these wet things in the washer?"

The question finally snapped Kate out of her giddy haze. "Here, let me. Why don't you put your coat and shoes over by the radiator?"

He handed her his jeans, socks, button down and t-shirt. They smelled like him, clean, cool and tangy. She closed her eyes briefly as she walked away, enjoying the scent. She hadn't even realized she'd held his shirt up to her nose to smell them again until she almost walked into the laundry room door.

Kate tossed the items in the machine and upon seeing that it wasn't full, went back to her room to grab a few of her own things to add to the load. It was both strangely and wonderfully domestic to wash their clothes together.

By the time the washer began, Castle was back in the living room.

"Rick, you wanna make some coffee or tea or something? I'm going to go change."

When she emerged several minutes later in a baggy sweater and leggings, he was just finishing up at the Keurig.

He handed her a steaming mug and followed her to the couch.

"Still no fish huh?"

"They should be here today. They were supposed to be here Thursday, but there was some sort of delay with the store, and then I had to cancel Saturday when we got called to the body at the theater."

"I was hoping you'd have them by today."

"Me too, but what could I do about it?"

"I could have waited here on Saturday."

"I know, but well, I'd rather have you with me. It doesn't feel right going to scenes with out my shadow anymore."

"Wow. Is this the same woman who, a couple years ago would have given her right arm to get me out of her hair?"

"What can I say? You've grown on me."

Rick reached out and tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. "I'm so glad."

He leaned forward to kiss her, but a knock sounded on the door.

Kate put her mug down and hopped up to answer the door.

"If its the fish guy, he's like an hour early."

It was the fish guy though and not much later Kate and Rick were watching her ten new fish.

"So Mom, what are your babies' names?"

"Names? I wasn't really planning on naming them."

"You have to name them! It's like a law or something. You're a cop, you wouldn't want to break a law."

"Really? A law? And where would I look up the statutes for that particular law?"

"It's Castle's law. All children, pets, and plants bigger than two feet tall require a name."

Kate shook her head and chuckled. "I know why you chose writing as your profession."

"Don't mock me. Just start brainstorming. Let's start with the red one. Maybe you should call it Nikki Heat!"

"Or not."

"Well what would you call her?"

"How do you know it's a girl?"

"I don't but neither will anyone else, so go with it."

"OK, well how about since my favorite author gave them to me, what if we went with author names? She could be Christie, after Agatha Christie."

"Sounds good to me. Which one is next?"

When they were done with the naming process, they had Christie, Poe, Austen, Doyle, Hawthorne, Twain, Alcott, Hemingway, Melville and Verne Beckett-Castle.

At first Kate argued against the last name, especially the hyphenated version, but Rick convinced her to relax, that they were fish not real children, and besides, he reasoned, he thought they should have both a mother and father, and who better to fill that role than him?

The rest of the afternoon and evening was spent with Rick and Kate vegging out on the couch alternating between watching movies and their new "family".

Later that night, Rick stood up from the couch and stretched.

"It's getting late, I should get going."

The thought of being alone, tugged at Kate's heart. After a day filled with happy memories and sweet distractions, all the hurt and pain of thirteen years before flooded her.

"Do you have to?" she asked softly.

He reached out and pulled her up into his arms.

"No, I can stay a while longer."

She rested her head on his chest and listened to the steady rhythm of his heart, finding the comfort she always found with him. "Can you stay all night? I just don't want to be alone. Not tonight."

He dropped a gentle kiss in her hair as he rocked them back and forth as one. "Of course I can, Hon. I won't leave you tonight."

It wasn't really how she expected things would go, the first time she invited him to stay the night, but maybe in some strange way it was even better. Without the complications sex would add to their budding relationship, she still felt all the love and warmth she desired. And for the first time in ages, she slept peacefully and dreamlessly all night long, in his arms.

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: So did you miss me? I missed you guys! Sorry this "Monday" post is coming out on Wednesday. I expected it might be a little late with the busy weekend, but I did not expect all the extra stuff that has happened. Frankly, at this point I'm glad to give you a chapter at all. On top of other things, my laptop is out of commission until my new charging cable gets delivered (My old one snapped). So I can only write at our main computer, and with a whole family using that, there's little time for writing! :(**

**But yesterday I was able to put my nose to the grindstone and write for several hours. Then my lovely BETA rushed it back to me! (Thanks LT). So now I have something to post, but I don't know when the next chapter is coming.**

**As always Thank You for all the reviews, PMs, alerts, favorites, Tweets, emails, etc... You guys are so much fun to write for! And I know some of you have been exploring my other fics while waiting for new chapters! Even though those are older and complete I still appreciate the time you're taking to respond to those as well!**

**And for those who asked, my Thanksgiving was WONDERFUL, and yes I had a blast Black Friday shopping for 12 hours straight and not sleeping for 30 hrs straight! I know I'm crazy, but I really had fun!**

**Alight, I'll let you go now! Have a wonderful day!**

**Until next time,**

**Happy Reading!**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Kate came back into the bullpen after finishing at booking. Rapping up that last case was a relief. When cases stretched out for weeks, tension always heightened and patience grew thin. No one wanted to leave a case open, but the longer it took to solve, the less chance there was of bringing their killer to justice.

With that tension fading now, the guys, who only hours ago were surly and distant, were now gathered around Ryan's desk heads together, looking at something on Rick's phone.

As she approached, she heard Esposito whisper. "I think that's a good idea. You don't want to take any chances."

"Who's taking chances?" Kate asked when she reached them.

The three men immediately pulled apart, and Rick slid his phone in his pocket.

Ryan attempted innocence. "No one."

She raised her eyebrows at him with question and disbelief.

"No one is taking chances." Rick answered her. "I was just showing the guys my new purchase."

"Your phone? You've had that a couple months now."

"No, not my phone."

He pulled out the device again and flipped on the screen before turning it so she could see. "This."

On the screen, was a brand new black Glock 22.

"You bought a gun?" she asked in disbelief, as nervousness and fear began to gnaw at her insides. "Why? What happened? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Then why do you need a gun? The "Writer" vest not enough to play cop with anymore? You know you can't bring that with you if you're following me."

Esposito hissed quietly through his teeth, but he didn't even pretend to look away. He and Ryan both just kept watching Mom and Dad fight.

"It's not for ride alongs. It's just... I wanted one, OK."

"Why didn't you tell me you wanted a gun?"

"I thought you were just my work wife, not my real one. I didn't realize I had to run every decision past you first."

Kate stepped back, as if he slapped her, and both Esposito and Ryan quietly walked away.

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I just didn't know it was going to be a big deal. I buy stuff all the time, and you never care."

"Yeah well, X-Box games and laser tag don't kill people. Guns do. I don't want someone getting hurt."

"That's nice Kate. Double standard much?"

"I'm a trained police officer. It's different."

"How? I've got my license. I've had plenty of gun safety. You know I can handle a weapon just fine, and the guys and I were just talking about heading out to the range for practice. I'm not going to be stupid about it."

"What about your mom and Alexis?"

"What about them? They knew I was thinking about it. They're fine with it. I'll keep it unloaded and put away safely."

"So everyone knew but me?"

Rick stepped closer to her and tried to touch her shoulder. She stepped away.

"I wasn't trying to hide it. I guess it just worked out that way. It never came up before. I really don't see what the big deal about this is. If it's cuz I didn't send you a private memo from the gun store, I'm sorry but that's just what happened. And if it's because I now own a gun, maybe you need to relax. I'll be fine."

"That's easy for you to say. You've never been shot."

"No, Kate, it's worse. I saw you shot."

All the air left her body. She wanted to yell and scream and throw a stapler at his thick skull, but of course she didn't. She just grew deathly calm as she looked into his icy blue eyes.

"If you're so worried that I'll get hurt, come to the range with us. I'll take any test you can give me. I don't want to fight about this. I just want to assure you that it'll all be OK."

His offer didn't make her feel better. Even if she could go with him and get her "proof", there was something about his sudden purchase of a gun that bothered her.

"No, go. I have an appointment in a little while."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure."

"But you're still mad."

"I'll get over it. Like you keep telling me, it's no big deal, right?"

Kate left him standing slack jawed next to Ryan's desk while she closed up for the evening.

After grabbing her purse she headed to the elevator. "Be careful. I'll call you later," she finished cooly.

And with that she left.

XXXXXXXXXX

Kate tapped her fingers impatiently on the arm of the chair, as Dr. Burke came in and closed the door.

"Good afternoon," he greeted.

She nodded only, not trusting that she could hold back the barrage of words brimming within her.

He had to have noticed her agitation, but his unruffled calm stayed steady as he picked up his paper, pen and coffee from his desk before taking his seat across from her.

"So, something tells me you have something on your mind today."

"Why can't I trust people?" Kate blurted. But before the doctor could answer, she stood and began pacing. "I mean, most people in my life have never given me reason to doubt them, yet that's what I do. I'm suspicious and afraid and I hate it."

"What are you suspicious and afraid of?"

"I don't know, everything."

"I think right now the issue isn't as big as everything, or even everyone. Can you tell me specifically who has triggered this anxiety?"

Kate stilled her pacing and looked to the doctor. "Castle."

He scribbled a note down on the paper he held.

"Tell me what happened."

Kate looked down at her feet, suddenly feeling foolish. It probably wasn't a big deal, yet here she was ranting to her shrink, and over what? A dumb purchase?

"Kate?" he coaxed when she still didn't answer.

"He uh, he bought a gun."

"And why does that make you not trust him?"

"He BOUGHT A GUN...and I didn't even know he was going to. Why does he need one? What is he hiding from me?"

"Did you ask him?"

"Yeah, he said it was nothing, that he just wanted one."

"And you don't believe him. Why do you think he's hiding something? Is it because he didn't tell you?"

"Yes. No. Both. I guess, I've had a feeling he's been hiding something for a while, but I just brushed it off as nerves. As you know, since the shooting, I've been...cautious. And with all the Montgomery stuff, and not knowing him like I thought I did... Anyway I just told myself I was imagining things, but now I find out he goes and buys a gun, and it all blows back up in my face. I thought we were telling each other everything. I thought we didn't have secrets anymore."

"Do you tell him everything?"

Kate didn't want to answer that. She immediately thought about how she still from time to time, secretly reopened her moms case, against his wishes. Not to mention the fact that she still hadn't drawn up the courage to tell him she loved him.

"Don't answer that, let's go at this from another angle. You're a detective, being suspicious of people is part of you. But you are also good at deciphering what is relevant and what isn't, so that you can step back and look at the evidence and see the big picture. So what exactly about the gun purchase worries you the most? Don't think about it, just tell me off the top of your head."

"That he'll get hurt. That I'll lose him."

The psychiatrist scribbled notes quickly as she spoke.

"Do you feel he's unqualified to own or handle such a weapon?"

"No, he's not careless about that kinda thing, and he's actually a pretty good shot."

"So, you've seen him with a gun. You're around guns all day every day. You handle one like it's an extension of your own body; I doubt that its the the actual device that scares you about this."

"No... it's that I worry he got it because he feels like he has to have one."

"For protection?"

Kate nodded her answer and then returned to her seat.

"Against whom?"

"I don't know. He's never mentioned anything and I haven't noticed anything."

"Yet, that's what your instincts lead you to believe?"

"Maybe." She ran a hand through her long hair, pushing it away from her face. "I don't even know that I'd call it instincts. It's not like I have this gut feeling that something's wrong... I'm just worried that there is."

"Well then, let me play devil's advocate for a few moments. Let's just say that he acquired the gun because something's up. You're a cop. Many of your mutual friends are police officer's. If something was wrong, why wouldn't he tell one of you?"

"He's rich and famous, maybe he's being stalked or blackmailed or extorted?"

Dr. Burke pressed on. "In your professional opinion, have you noticed anything that would lead you to believe that's happening?"

She reviewed in her mind everything over the last weeks and months that had come across as being off, but none pointed to anything like the criminal activity they were discussing. "No."

"Then what else?"

Something nagged at the back of her brain. "Maybe if there is something, he did tell someone, just not me. Maybe he went to Esposito or Ryan."

"OK, what if he did? Why would he go to them an not you?"

"Cuz he doesn't want me to know."

"Why?"

"How should I know?"

"I think you know him very well. Why do you think he wouldn't want you to know?"

"Maybe because I'd get mad."

"From what you've told me, he doesn't seem to be the type who would take great pains to keep people from getting mad at him. And if that's what he was doing, he's already failed. You're mad now. What other reasons?"

Dr. Burke's words struck a chord with her. He made sense.

"What other reasons might he have?"

She swallowed and turned to look out the window. "To protect me."

"Do you think that perhaps that is a possibility then?"

"Maybe. I don't know. He's always trying to do that. But I don't need him to protect me, and certainly not at his expense."

"I don't know that that is your decision to make."

The doctor gave her a little time to think over what he'd said before moving on.

"Now that we've explored those possibilities, lets turn the tables completely around and look at it from a different angle. Let's say that he told you the truth, and nothing's wrong. He just wanted one. Is that hard to believe?"

She hoped that was truly the situation, but if it was, she'd really overreacted. This realization annoyed her to no end.

"No, it's not. He loves gadgets and toys and anything with buttons, bells or whistles."

"Has he expressed an appreciation for guns before? Or perhaps showed an interest in getting one?"

"Yeah, but never very seriously."

"Is he prone to making impulsive decisions and purchases?"

"Yes."

"So there is reason to believe him?" Burk countered.

"Yeah, and I hope that's the case. I really do."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate didn't go straight home that night. She stopped at the bank, picked up her dry cleaning, bought a pair of shoes to wear to Ryan's wedding. By the time elevator door opened on her floor it was nearing eight o' clock.

Absent mindedly, she checked her missed texts on her phone as she headed toward her door.

"There you are."

She startled at his voice, almost dropping her bags.

"Castle, what are you doing sitting in the hall?"

"Waiting for you," he answered as he stood.

"In the hall? I gave you a key for a reason."

"After you left earlier, I wasn't sure that I'd be welcome to use it. I didn't want to overstep my welcome."

Kate unlocked the door and led the way into the dark apartment.

"You're still welcome. I was shocked and a bit upset, but I'm not really mad at you. I'm not ending our relationship over it."

Rick nodded in understanding but didn't take his coat off or sit down.

"So, we're OK?" he asked.

"Yes. It's just a bump in the road. But I think we should talk. Can you stick around for a bit?"

"Sure, in fact, that's why I'm here, to talk."

"Good. Have you eaten yet? I've got some tuna noodle casserole I can reheat."

"No, that sounds good. Thanks."

By the time they were seated at the table and eating, Kate was already feeling better.

"So I want to apologize for earlier. I... I overreacted, and I'm sorry. I just worry about losing you and knowing that you bought a gun, just made me panic about you getting hurt."

"And the fact that I didn't tell you, brings up years of mistrust, I know."

Kate physically retracted, sitting farther back in her chair. She still hadn't gotten used to how well he really knew her.

Rick put his fork down and reached across the table to take her hand. He rubbed her knuckles softly before speaking again..

"Kate, I need to tell you something." He swallowed and looked like he was summoning up great amounts of courage, which only stoked her fears again. "You had reason to be concerned."

She tried to pull her hand away as worry creased her brow.

"Please don't get mad, but Ryan, Esposito and I have been continuing to work your case. Gates closed it, and labeled it cold, but we made copies of everything and then went rogue. We think we're getting close to finding the guy who shot you."

"What!" she asked in disbelief. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"We didn't want to get your hopes up. You've been moving on, but we know it isn't really over. You need closure and we want him as bad as you do."

"So you did get the gun for protection?"

"Last resort, I promise."

"You guys shouldn't be doing this. You're putting your lives and your careers on the line."

"It really hasn't been anything that dangerous, just paper trails and a little checking around town, but we're getting closer. We have possible leads now. If we're right, we'll soon have enough to re-open the case officially."

"What do you know? Who is he? Do you know who he's working for?"

"Not as much as we'd like. For one thing, we don't think he's American. If our leads are correct, he has a handful of aliases and is quite the globe trotter, perhaps even former Royal Marines."

Rick filled Kate in on the few details they believed they had correct and explained why they hadn't gone to Gates yet.

"Right now, it's all still conjecture and theory. We haven't been able to get close to him."

"I wish you had told me. Maybe I could have helped. Where's all the paperwork and files?"

"It's at my place, so Gates doesn't find it. Look, Kate, I know you wanna dive in head first and tackle this case, but I can't show you yet. I told you what we're doing, but there's a reason cops aren't allowed to investigate their own cases. You're too invested, too close. I promise I'll keep you up to date, and include you on whatever I can, but I'm not opening it up to you."

Kate wasn't overcome with emotions, she was just plain numb. Had she really heard him right? Had he and the boys really gone and hijacked her case, fully intending to keep her out?

As it all settled in, the emotions that had built up behind the dam of disbelief slowly began to leak through. Anger, hurt, gratitude, pride, respect, fear, rebellion, humility, and love all battled for dominance in both her head and heart.

She brought her hazel eyes back up to the blue ones across from her, watching her, waiting for her response.

The worry and concern she saw tugged at her heart, but at the moment she couldn't muster much sympathy.

Kate stood abruptly and walked to the window and stared don at the street below. _He's out there. somewhere._

Castle followed her before tentatively placing his hands on her shoulders. The instant he touched her, she stiffened but then slowly relaxed her muscles again.

"Talk to me, Kate. Yell, scream, cry, anything, but please don't shut me out."

"I don't know what to say."

"Are you angry?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry."

"No you're not. You're doing what you believe is right, and you aren't sorry about that. I don't even know if I want you to be."

"I'm sorry that I'm hurting you."

Her pulse pounded in her ears, ticking the passing seconds like a clock.

"You're not hurting me Rick. The situation is hurting me. You didn't pull the trigger or hire my mom's killer. You've done nothing but try to help from the day I told you about my mom. Am I angry and hurt? Yes, but not because of you. Do I like how you guys are handling the situation? No, of course not. You know me. I wanna nail this guy. I want my revenge. But I think I've also made it to the point where I can admit that that's not the way this needs to be handled. Even though I don't like it, I understand. And for right now I'll try to keep a step back and let you work."

Rick wrapped his arms around her waist and folded his hands across her belly. "Thank you. I know how big of a step it is for you to relinquish control like this. I promise, I'll keep you in the loop as much as I can. I'm not trying to hide information from you, just trying to keep you safe. I can't lose you, Kate."

They both grew silent again as they watched the hustle of the New York City night through the window.

While they watched the world pass by, Kate thought of a question that she just couldn't keep bottled up.

"Rick, I just have one question. Who are you trying to protect me from... them or myself?"

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: Good morning world, and Happy Castle"Cuffed" Monday. I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am about it! I think it's going to be absolutely fantastic!**

**So, first things first. I want to bring you up to date with what's going on here. First of all, my laptop is back to normal! YAY! That was a really annoying week of waiting! So that's the good news. But the bad news, is that I had to make a tough decision about priorities right now. I know before Thanksgiving, I promised to get back to my normal Monday/Thursday schedule, and I had full intentions of doing that, but with my computer issues and family commitments and now the beginnings of cold and flu season starting to creep into my house, I was never able to make up the ground I lost at the holidays. I like to have a chapter or two written ahead of what I'm posting, and it's been more like write when I can, send it to my Beta and post all within a short amount of time. So I'm sorry to say, that until after the New Year, I'll only be posting once a week (Hopefully on Castle Mondays, to keep the winter break moving along). This isn't what I want to do, but it is what I have to do. **

**I know that you will all understand, because you're very kinds like that, and I appreciate it. i really do. But the real life responsibilities of being a wife and mom and the added holiday activities are doubled right now during this busy season, and I'm having a hard time finding a few minutes each day to write, let alone a few hours! I just thought that since I'd told you to expect the usual schedule to resume soon, you deserved to know that will be delayed a few more weeks. Once again, thank you all for understanding.**

**While I'm thanking you... know that all the reviews, alerts, PMs, etc are so uplifting. It's your outpouring of kindness that makes me want to do my best for you. Also, I got some more newbies to Brickwork, this last week! Thanks for taking the time to catch up! I know this is no longer a quick read!**

**Also I need to give a shout out to the folks at the 12th. Teelduo, passes on all your love, and even though I'm not on the message boards, I wanted to let you know directly how much I appreciate your excitement and support! You're awesome!**

**OK, well I think thats' all. I will let you go now! Have a great week, and I hpoe to see you again next week. Same day, same place!**

**Happy Reading**

**DeBo81**


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

While Kate ate her breakfast, she ran her fingers over the cool, smooth, purplish gray granite bricks sitting in front of her on the table. On several levels, she was pretty proud of herself. This latest gift of bricks had been even more meaningful than many of the preceding ones and she had wanted to do something special with them. She was quickly running out of room in her place. One side of her bedroom was already starting to look like she was building a wall, not tearing one down, her steps had become a full bookshelf and a few extra special bricks sat with her journal on her dresser in an almost shrine like display. But now that she found the solution of how to display the newest additions, she couldn't help but smile, not only because they looked great, but because they made her feel great.

During "the talk" the other night, she'd asked Rick rather rhetorically if he was trying to protect her from those who might try to harm her or herself. She hadn't figured he would answer, and for a long moment she was right. But then something happened that took her completely off guard. A lone tear ran down his cheek and his lips began to tremble. He moved as close as he could to her and dropped his forehead to rest on hers and whispered hoarsely, "I want to protect you from anything that will ever cause you the pain and fear you've lived with for so long, no matter who or what that is. When you're afraid, I'm afraid for you. When you hurt, I hurt with you. When your heart breaks, my heart breaks too."

That was all it took to open the floodgates. She cried. He cried. They held each other for hours not speaking, but just releasing weeks, months, hell, years of bottled up emotions. Eventually they ended up falling asleep together on the couch. When they awoke, her fingers were sore from how tightly she'd been gripping his shirt.

A part of her wanted to just stay like that forever, just holding and being held, but it was a work day for her, and he had to leave a few hours later for a two day business trip to Chicago. He had a series of seminars to present at Columbia College. They had to get up.

Saying goodbye that morning was difficult, and coming home that night was worse, because she personally felt every mile between the Big Apple and the Windy City.

It was a new feeling for her. She'd been in serious relationships before, and possibly even thought she'd been in love, but never before had she felt like someone stole her heart and took it with them wherever they went. At at that moment, her heart was presenting a lecture on "Finding Your Inspiration" to almost three hundred aspiring, collegiate writers.

When she did make it back to her place, she didn't turn on the lights or follow any sort of routine. Instead, she dropped her things by the couch and then carefully picked her way up the stairs, over books and bricks and pictures, all the way up to the rooftop door. It took some finagling, but eventually she found herself standing on the roof, staring up at the cool, crisp January night sky. Only a few stars were visible, since the lights of the city masked the celestial glow, but the nearly full moon shined with almost blinding brightness. For some reason standing under the same big sky that Rick was under, made the world feel a little smaller and helped her feel a little closer to him.

Unfortunately the icy wind whipping around the roof, burned her cheeks and numbed her fingers, long before she was ready to retreat to the warmth of her home. When she did come in, she turned on the lights and was surprised to see a basket wrapped in green cellophane and tied with a blue satin ribbon sitting on her table.

There was a card. It read:

I've been waiting for a major breakthrough to give these particular bricks to you. About seven years ago, I spent a summer in Europe. At one point I was staying at a modest chateau in the French countryside. It was beautiful, you would love it. Anyway, the next closest property was unoccupied and had fallen into disrepair. New owners were going to tear it down and build from scratch. As part of the demolition, they were taking out the charming old cobblestone drive and were selling the bricks to whoever wanted them. I was sold at once. I bought a case of them and shipped them back home. For years I've stored them, and couldn't figure out what to do with them. But I couldn't get rid of them because I knew that one day I would find a use worthy of them. Now I know what I've been waiting for. You.

These bricks are almost two hundred years old. They've stoically sat season after season, as the people they served came and went. They've survived wars, droughts, floods, every day toils; even being ripped from their home and shipped to the other side of the world. And yet they are still strong and beautiful, despite it all.

You've been through hell Kate. I don't think anyone knows that better than me. But not only have you survived, you've come out of it stronger and more beautiful because of it.

Let me help you take these bricks that were your wall and use them for something good. You don't need a wall to hide behind anymore. You need a foundation to build on or a road to move forward on. We can build it together.

Kate opened the wrapping and admired the beautiful bricks. They were unlike any she'd ever seen before. They were smooth, almost rounded in places. Some had ruts, one had a crumbled edge. And the unique color that was darker than white but barely gray with lavender tones was exquisite. Just when she thought Rick couldn't top himself, he did.

She tucked the card into her journal and knew she'd write about it later. She even took a picture of the bricks to add to the journal entry. This is something she would never forget, but still she wanted to capture it just as it was that day.

For the next twenty four hours, Kate tried to figure out what exactly to do with the new bricks. They were too beautiful and special to just add to one of the many growing stacks around her place, but she couldn't just leave them out randomly either. Eventually while flipping through an IKEA catalog during her dinner break at work, she found her inspiration. On the page was a large square planter. She could make a similar one with her bricks!

Once home, it didn't take long to arrange the cobblestones into a lovely new home for the plant she had purchased on her way back from work.

Now, even after a full night's sleep, she was still practically giddy over the entire thing. She couldn't wait to show Rick when he came that night to pick her up for the Ryan's rehearsal and dinner. Heck, she just couldn't wait to see Rick.

The day passed slowly. Kate and her team were off for the next three days, and Ryan even longer, so she didn't have work. She was too happy to work either her case or her mother's. Lanie was sleeping after working the midnight shift the night before and Rick was on the plane headed back home.

She considered her remaining options, and none really called to her, so on a whim, she grabbed her coat and purse and headed out the door. When she returned two lours later, following her impromptu mani/pedi it was almost time to get ready to go.

She took her time applying her make up and doing her hair, eating up as much time as possible. Then carefully, she removed the gray v-neck wrap dress she was going to wear, from the dry cleaners bag and slipped it on over her head. Just as she was tugging it down, she heard a knock on the front door and then keys turning in the lock.

At first, her heart began to race out of fear of who might be coming in, but almost immediately realized it was Rick, causing it to race even faster. She debated between rushing to him and letting him come to find her. She ended up staying where she was.

The apartment was so quiet that she could easily hear him open and close the door, drop his keys on the table, his coat on the chair and his gentle footfalls across the hardwood floor. She didn't have to turn her head to see him standing in her doorway. She knew he was there. Coyly she pretended to not yet notice him and continued to get ready as he watched. She slowly and deliberately slipped on one heel and then the other, before tossing back her long wavy hair. Her back remained toward him until she turned toward her dresser to pick up her necklace. Only then could she see him out of the corner of her eye.

As she raised the platinum chain to her throat, Rick moved quickly so that he could help her.

When his fingers covered hers, a spark of electricity shocked them, causing her to jump, and giggle nervously. When he had the jewelry firmly in his grasp she lifted her heavy mane of hair, revealing the porcelain skin of her neck.

He must have fastened the clasp quickly, because the next thing she knew, he was peppering gentle kisses all along her exposed skin.

"I missed you." He breathed huskily in her ear between kisses.

Goosebumps immediately covered her arms in response.

"I missed you too."

Rick's hands which had come to rest on her shoulders after he fastened the necklace, slid slowly down the length of her arms, over the soft material, across her skin and then intertwined with her hers.

"Text messages and phone calls, just aren't enough. I need to be near you every day."

Kate's heart went from racing to pounding. It beat so hard that she could hear her own pulse pounding in her ears.

"I need you too."

Rick froze and stood up straighter, then turned her so that they were facing. "Do you really mean that?"

She nodded slowly but surely, confident in her response. "Yeah, I do."

For the first time in her life, Kate felt the urge to tell a man she loved him. The words sprang to her lips, begging for release, but years of practiced restraint won out.

Instead of using her lips to form the words they both wanted to hear, Kate used them to press into his. Everything she wanted to say was poured out into the embrace: love, hope, promise, desire. And for the time being, that was all she could give.

When they broke apart, Rick had a distinctive twinkle in his eyes. Yes, the words still needed to be said, but for right now he understood what she was telling him, both what was spoken and unspoken, and for that she was eternally grateful.

Kate couldn't help but noticed how much darker his eyes had become, how flushed his cheeks were and the swelling of his mouth. She wondered if her arousal was just as evident.

Before she could continue that line of thought, he stepped back a bit more, allowing air to pass between them.

"As much as I'd love to just stay here for the rest of the night, we'd better go. Wouldn't want Ryan and Espo sending out the unis looking for us!"

She chuckled. That was just like Castle to use humor to help bring the moment back into perspective.

"I'm ready. I just need my coat."

"By the way, Kate, I didn't mention it yet, but you're as beautiful as always."

"Thank you Rick," Kate answered while taking a long appreciative look at him in his charcoal suit, blue shirt and darker blue tie. "You're looking pretty handsome yourself."

XXXXXXXXXXX

The rehearsal went without a hitch and the dinner that followed was superb. But the most fun was had when the happy couple and the wedding party capped off the night at a local Irish pub. Drinks were passed, toasts were made, songs were sung, jigs were danced and the celebration didn't end til the wee hours of the morning.

In the cab that they shared on the way home, Rick showed Kate the video Lanie had taken and sent them. In it they, Ryan and Esposito were singing their own version of Whose Line Is It Anyway's "Irish Drinking Song".

On the small screen, Kate could see herself sitting on the bar, with Rick holding her close to his side, Esposito with his jacket and tie off, sitting on a stool opposite Rick and Ryan standing with a leg perched on a stool and a whiskey in his hand. The piano which was somewhere off screen began playing the familiar song, and Kevin perked up and began to bounce with the music before bursting into song.

"Ohhhh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!  
>By this time tomorrow,<br>I'll be a married man.  
>But I am not nervous,<br>It's going all to plan.  
>The future's lookin' brighter,<br>Cuz Jen will be my wife.  
>How did I get so lucky,<br>To have her in my life?"

Everyone in the bar now joined Ryan on the chorus. "Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!"  
><strong><br>**Javier grabbed his beer and stepped forward into the circle that was forming. When the chorus ended he cleared his throat and began to belt out the next verse.

"For years you've been my partner.  
>And now I'll have to share.<br>But I am not too jealous,  
>She does have better hair.<br>So I give you both my blessings,  
>I see you're quite happy.<br>But when you're in the doghouse, Bro,  
>Don't come crawling back to me!"<p>

The room erupted with laughter as the chorus came round again.

"Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!"  
><strong><br>**Beckett waved her hand in the air, indicating she wanted to take the next verse. When she started to sing, her voice was soft at first, but she gained confidence with every word, until she could easily be heard.

"I think it's safe to say here,  
>We've become a family.<br>And though we aren't related,  
>There's some sibling rivalry.<br>So when you ride into the sunset,  
>You we will not miss.<br>Cuz we aren't losing our brother,  
>We're gaining another sis."<p>

"Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!"

Rick kissed Kate on the cheek and then clamped a hand on Ryan's shoulder as he led the final verse.

**"**I wish that I could tell you,  
>How to do a marriage right.<br>But up til now all I have learned,  
>Is how to really fight.<br>So now you two have got to be,  
>The ones teaching me.<br>Cuz I am gonna do it right,  
>the next time I marry!"<br>**  
><strong>" Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!  
>Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-diiii-deeee-diiii-deeee-diiiiiii!"<p>

Even from the distance away that Lanie had been from them, she was able to catch the soft look in Castle's face and the slightly stunned one on Beckett's. Rick just winked at Kate and finished the song with the rest of the crowd. But through the remainder of the video she just sat motionless on the bar watching the man next to her.

Rick turned off his phone when they were done watching and slung his heavy arm across her shoulders. She groggily watched the city pass outside the taxi's window and tried to figure out if she should bring up what he'd sang in the song.

Eventually curiosity, paired with her lowered inhibitions won out, allowing her to muster up the question that had been running through her head the last hour.

"Rick, what did you mean when you said you're gonna do it right next time you marry. I thought you avoided marriage like the plague."

"I wouldn't say that. After two failed attempts I've steered clear of repeating my mistakes, but I've never taken a solemn oath of bachelorhood or anything like that."

"What mistakes did you make the first two times."

The taxi stopped at a red light just as she asked the question, making it seem as if the entire world paused as it waited for his answer.

"Probably too many to count, but I'd say the biggest ones were marrying for the wrong reasons, and just marrying the wrong women."

"Then why did you marry them?"

"Well with Meredith, I was young and naive and I had a baby on the way. I was trying to be responsible. I wanted my family to be whole and functional. Meredith was scared. A child was a big responsibility, and she had her career to think about. She didn't know if she wanted a kid to tie her down. She was considering ending the pregnancy and it killed me. That was my child too. So I proposed. I said I wouldn't let it hold her back, I'd support us. I guess I believed that once Alexis was born, this magical maternal nature would just emerge and she wouldn't feel so burdened. I was wrong. I mean, she loves Alexis, always has, but it's always been at a distance.

Don't get me wrong. Alexis is not and has not ever been a mistake to me. She's my everything. But the marriage probably was."

"So if she hadn't gotten pregnant you never would have married Meredith?"

"You wanna know a secret? I've never told anyone, so shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." The volume and deliberateness of the shush was bit more than it needed to be, thanks to the libations still flowing through Castle's veins, but Kate nodded none the less.

"The night I went to her place and she told me was late, I had been planning to break up with her. I even had a date lined up with someone else for the following weekend. But by the end of the night I was talking marriage. Meredith was never in my long term plans before that evening. She was my rebound from Kyra. The funny thing is, when we went through with the divorce and she admitted to cheating, several times might I add, she told me there was a chance Alexis wasn't even mine. At first I couldn't believe it, but the doubt ate at me until I finally went and got the DNA test taken. It's not like I would have loved her less if she wasn't mine, but I was so afraid that if I wasn't her biological parent, one day someone might take her from me. I was so relieved to find out she's mine. To this day Alexis doesn't know I had her tested when she was little, and I burned all the results. I would hate for her to ever think I doubted, even for a second."

"Wow. I had no idea." Even though hearing about Rick's ex should have possibly stirred negative reactions. Kate was slightly in awe to notice it actually warmed her heart. She knew he was a good dad. It was one of the first things that softened her toward him all those years ago, but now to know the painful back story made her appreciate him even more as a father.

"Well, now you know. Not very romantic I guess. But probably better than Gina. Did you know my mother set me up with her?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. Gina was an up and coming intern at an agency Mother worked with. All the gossip was that she was the one to watch. The best and the brightest! One day at a lunch meeting Gina and Mother struck up a conversation than some how or another led to me. Eventually we met and found we shared a lot of similar interests, became friends, dated casually. About six months later my publisher at the time announced his retirement. The company he worked for needed a fresh face with all the know how to fill his shoes. I pulled a few strings and got her an interview. Essentially it was a case of you scratch my back I scratch yours. I helped her get a coveted potion and she began working for me with the agreement that her percentage would never go up no matter how famous or sought after either of us became. Which is why she still only gets 4% of my profits. Over time we continued to work closely together and see each other socially. We made a decent pairing, we cared for each other and at some point marriage seemed like the right thing to do. Problem was, even though there was mutual interests, and respect, and even passion, there was no deep friendship. No real love.

Also, I kept her and Alexis distanced, though at the time I really didn't see it that way. But they never bonded. They were just two people who happened to live in the same house and cared about the same person. I think I even felt it was the same as keeping my family separate from my work, although as my wife I should have been able to see Gina as part of that family, and that never happened.

When we split, it wasn't messy like with Meredith, its was more of a business arrangement. The way things were going wasn't working for either of us. One day we were a couple and the next day and a hefty settlement later, we weren't. I can't even say there was a lot of hard feelings."

"I have to admit, I've always wondered why you still worked with your ex."

"She's good at her job. And after the first couple months apart we were able to find a comfortable, all be it unconventional, dynamic that has never wavered...except that one summer."

The pang of jealously that smacked Kate in the face must have been obvious, because Rick took her hand and reassured her.

"Don't worry. That won't happen again for a multitude of reasons, which include but are not limited to the fact that she's engaged, I wouldn't want to anyway, and most importantly because I would NEVER EVER betray you. I may have the reputation of being a playboy, but I can promise you I have never been unfaithful."

"I didn't think you'd ever cheat on me, but I appreciate you telling me that anyway. Just like I appreciate you being open about your marriages."

"It's something you needed to know. "

He looked like perhaps he was going to say more, but that was when the cab pulled to a stop in front of her building.

She squeezed his thigh. "Don't bother walking me up. It's late."

"You sure? I really don't mind."

"I know you don't, but tomorrow morning is going to come earlier than either of us will want it to, anyway. Go get some sleep."

"If you insist. Is it OK if I come get you around two?"

"I'll be ready."

They leaned toward each other for a long goodnight kiss before heading off in opposite directions.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate checked her reflection in the long bathroom mirror before retouching her lipstick. Her loosely swept back updo was holding up well with only a few soft curls escaping to frame her face. Happy with her hair and make up, she smoothed down her dress and smiled. She had wanted to get something fitted for the wedding but when she spotted the Maggy London, one shouldered number with the side gather she fell in fashion love. It's soft black lace over the nude colored lining was the perfect combination of classy, romantic and sexy, and she knew exactly what effect it would have on Rick.

She hadn't been disappointed by his reaction either. When he arrived to pick her up, she figured he'd be appreciative, but the fact that he couldn't keep his hands off of her was a pleasant surprise. Even throughout the car ride and while standing around during pictures, if they were near each other they were touching. And the few times that they weren't at each others side, his eyes caressed her the way she knew his hands longed to.

Now that the ceremony was fast approaching, he and the rest of the wedding party had retreated to the rooms behind the sanctuary.

Lanie opened the stall door and joined Kate at the sinks.

"So Girl, now that we're in church... you need to make any confessions?"

"About what?"

"When did you two finally start sleeping together?"

"We haven't yet."

Lanie laughed then reached for a paper towel. "Right. I saw you guys in there, and frankly I felt like the rest of us were intruding on something. The constant touches, the way you move together when you walk, the eye sex EVERY time your gazes meet."

"I'm serious. We haven't been together."

Lanie stared her friend down, sizing her up. "You are serious! My word woman, what is holding you back? If the chemistry between you two got any hotter I think you might just spontaneously combust."

"Don't worry, we won't give you the headache of filing that medical report. Neither of us is really holding back at this point. It just hasn't happened yet."

"Yet! There's a word whose time is limited. At least if you guys disappear at the reception tonight, I know there's no reason to send out a search party."

"I'm sure we can inhibit our carnal nature enough to resist consummating our relationship in the janitor's closet. Thank you very much."

"Maybe, maybe not, either way my money is still banking on the fact that tonight is THE night!"

XXXXXXXXXXX

With the exception of when Jenny walked down the aisle, Kate had yet to take her eyes from Rick. And now that the priest was speaking and the groomsmen were turned slightly, Kate could truly admire his profile.

Witnessing Kevin and Jenny's wedding was truly reeking havoc on Kate's heart. Every word, every sentiment, every song struck a familiar chord deep within her. They made so much sense.

And now the priest's words were even speaking to her as he read from First Corinthians, "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres..."

As the words sunk in, her heart began to scream, _I love you Rick! I LOVE you!_

She never made a sound, of that she was sure. But irregardless of that fact, Rick turned to her as if she's stood and spoke his name.

Their eyes locked, and her breathing shallowed, making her feel giddy and lightheaded.

Later she would wonder if it the lack of oxygen to her brain or just the effect of the wedding itself, that made her so impulsive, but either way, she made a split decision that would forever change her life.

She didn't speak out loud, but silently, across the crowded church, Kate finally opened her heart. "I love you!" she mouthed.

She knew he understood immediately when he nodded slightly and his happy grin changed into a face-splitting thousand watt smile.

The rest of the ceremony passed in a happy blur. Rick loved her and she loved him back. It was the most amazing thing in the world.

After the Ryan's were officially announced husband and wife, and the guests began to make their way through the receiving line, a strong hand caught Kate by the elbow and led her to a quiet hall off the vestibule.

As soon as they were quite alone, Rick whispered in her ear. "I want to hear you say it."

The butterflies dancing in her belly caused her to hesitate but only for a microsecond. "Rick, I love you."

The words seemed to steel his breath. "Say it again."

"I love you."

He kissed her softly. "Again."

"I love you."

"I love you to Kate. I always will."

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: Well it's Monday... and although there's no new episode tonight, it's still Castle Monday to me!**

**So Kate finally said those 3 little words that Rick (and the rest of us) have all been waiting for! Yay! I've been mentally plotting how I'd have her say it, for a while now, and could never figure out a way that I loved. Then as I was writing this chapter it just happened! I figured if it came that organically while I wrote then it would feel that organic within the story as well! Hope you agree.  
><strong>

**As a note to the Irish Drinking Song, in case you are not familiar with it... although the words of the one here were mine, the "Irish Drinking Song" was a regular bit on a show called "Whose Line Is It Anyway" (a family oriented improv comedy show from a few years ago, starring Drew Carey, Wayne Brady, Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie and others). In it... they would be given a subject, and then as a group, they'd each take a line (not a verse like I did) and make up this silly song spontaneously. If you've never seen it... I recommend going to YouTube or Google and looking up "Whose Line Is It Anyway: Irish Drinking Song" HILARIOUS!**

**And as always... please accept my gratitude for all your feedback and support (especially concerning the fewer updates). You are all lovely and wonderful and I just appreciate you so much!  
><strong>

**Until next time my friends. Happy Reading!**


	16. Chapter 16

**By request... I'll post a very brief list of highlights of the previous chapter before the current one, to help you recall where we are in the story.  
><strong>

**In chapter 15:**

***Kate recalled Rick's latest gift of bricks, antique granite ones from France, commemorating her acceptance of stepping back and letting Rick and the boys follow his sniper case. She used the bricks to make a decorative planter that she could always enjoy.  
><strong>

***Kate and Rick attended the Ryan's rehearsal and celebration at the pub, where they all took part in the Irish drinking song.**

***Rick shares the history of him and his ex wives.**

*** During the Ryan's wedding, Kate realizes that she really, truly loves Rick and can not wait a moment longer to tell him, leading her to mouth the words to him over the crowd. Then once alone she tells him again and again.  
><strong>

**...**

Chapter 16

Kate was distracted. She couldn't help it. She tried to give both the best man and the matron of honor her undivided attention as they gave their heartfelt toasts, but she couldn't shake the feeling that she was being watched. As inconspicuously as possible, she cased the room, looking for anyone or anything that was out of the ordinary. The wait staff were busy at the back of the banquet hall preparing to serve the salads. The guests, for the most part, were raptly watching the person at the microphone. Even Rick, who was sitting at her side, wasn't staring at her for once that day. Nothing struck her as odd, but still she had the familiar feeling that someone's eyes were on her.

_It's like when Gates watches out her office window_. She thought to herself. _Gates! That's it. She's gotta be here somewhere but where?_

After Jenny's father said the blessing for the meal, Beckett resumed her study of the crowd, looking specifically for her boss. It did didn't take long. Seated at one of two tables filled with her co-workers, Gates was leaned over, whispering into the ear of a handsome man Kate recognized as her husband from pictures around her office.

As she watched, the Captain turned and met her gaze with a knowing, maternal look, causing Kate to squirm slightly. Even though, for the last three weeks, she and Rick were no longer hiding that they were dating, they also weren't exactly making formal announcements or shooting for the headlines. This was likely the first time her boss was seeing them together as a couple.

Gates raised her nose ever so slightly and cocked an eyebrow, confirming Kate's suspicions. The action made her feel like she was twelve years old again and getting caught by her mom, holding hands with Matt Brewster on the porch.

When the waitress arrived to serve their food, she blocked Kate's line of sight, temporarily distracting her from whatever it was that might develop. When she got the chance to look back at her boss, she was no longer staring at her, but eating dinner.

Dinner, the emcee, conversation, and Rick's warm hand resting on her thigh continued to keep Kate's thoughts away from Gates for quite a while. It wasn't until Rick led her to the dance floor later on that she noticed the feeling of being watched again. Sure enough, Gates was staring at them. But what surprised her, was the almost smile on her face. Was she accepting that she and Rick were together or just gloating at the fact that she had new information on them?

"Don't let her get to you Kate. We aren't doing anything wrong."

"I know. But I can feel her watching us."

"Then lets give her a show!" Rick slid his hand lower down her back, so that it almost rested on her rear, and pulled her so that their bodies were flush.

Kate fought off the temptation to pull away and decided to just go with it. The music and the proximity to Rick intoxicated her, making it easier to push her hesitancy aside.

After several more slow romantic songs, Kate had forgotten about Gates, and their friends around them, and everyone else. There was just him and her, much like the night of their first date at the little club.

When the music switched to something faster, they mutually decided leave the floor. She wanted to visit the ladies room and he was going to grab them some drinks from the bar.

When she returned, she scanned the room for Castle and found him talking with the Ryan and Esposito.

She approached them, not intending to be discreet, but by the time she got close enough to hear them, they still hadn't noticed her, and she made no effort to change that.

Kevin playfully cuffed Castle on the arm while nodding, making Rick laugh out loud.

"Looks like Kevin isn't the only one getting lucky tonight," Esposito teased.

"Well no one will be luckier than you, if Lanie has pity on your ugly mug. I wouldn't count on it though," Castle countered.

"No way Bro. I ain't talking bout us. We're as much of a done deal as the newlyweds here. I'm talking about you. In all the years I've known Beckett, I have never seen her so relaxed, so sensual, so feminine."

Kate stepped into the circle, surprising all thee men. "You better not let Lanie hear you talking like that. That done deal might not be as guaranteed as you think."

Espo stuttered slightly making Ryan laugh harder than he already was. Rick just looked sheepish and handed Kate her drink.

She leveled Rick with a heavy stare over the top of her glass while she sipped the cocktail.

"So you're banking on finally getting me into bed tonight huh?"

"I didn't... I never.. They were just joking about.. Look I didn't say anything!"

Ryan sobered briefly as he took in the scene in front of him. "Wait wait wait. Finally? You mean you guys haven't? You know?"

"Had sex?" she asked point blank. "No. We've been waiting, not that it's any of your business."

Before any more could be said, Jenny sauntered up and claimed her new husband, pulling him away to meet some of her family.

Javier took the chance to duck away as well.

Once alone, Rick guided her by the elbow, away from the crowd so they could talk. "Look Kate, I'm not planning anything. The guys just noticed how happy we are together and were yanking my chain. We didn't mean anything by it."

She weighed her options. Yes she could get upset, but why? It really wasn't anything she hadn't heard them say before... except this time it involved her. She knew that they were all just joking around with each other. So instead of getting mad she chose to use the situation to her advantage and turn the tables on Castle.

"I'm a little disappointed in you Rick."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Usually we're more in sync, more on the same page. And here you tell me I'm the only one planning on us sleeping together tonight."

She sipped her drink coyly while he stuttered and flushed.

"You mean you're ready?"

"Mmmmmhmmm."

"Right now?"

"Well maybe not right this very second. But yes, tonight when we go home... I don't want to say goodnight."

"We could leave right now. No one would notice."

She brought her hand to his chest and could feel his heart pounding. "Yes they would. The party's barely started. Besides.. now you can enjoy the anticipation. And then when it's time to leave, you can lead me to your bed. I promise."

Rick used his free hand to pull her close to him for a kiss, and immediately she could feel what she'd done to him. Which only made her more excited for what was to come.

Abruptly he pulled away. "Wait, we can't go back to my place tonight. Mother is hosting the cast party for her show there. There'll be intoxicated Broadway performances going on til dawn. I don't want to make love to you for the first time, while listening to my mother croon Hello Dolly in the next room."

"Not a problem. Cuz lucky for us, I have a bed too."

XXXXXXXXXXX

As the night progressed, Kate and Rick became bolder in their interactions. Sure it was probably in part to the alcohol and the mood of the celebration, and the fact that they were just getting comfortable being a couple in public, but mostly because they couldn't stop thinking about what was only hours away after literally years of fantasizing about it.

By the time the Ryans drove off into the night, Kate could barely contain her excitement.

Rick snaked an arm around her waist and pulled Kate in front of him so that his chest was pressed to her back.

"You ready to go?" he whispered in her ear.

Kate nodded even as the butterflies in her belly took to flight. This was it! It was finally going to happen.

When Rick's town car first pulled up and they climbed in the back seat, they were both quiet and reserved, but as the vehicle made its way through the streets, both of them relaxed.

"I don't want to just assume anything, but were you planning that I'd stay the night?" Rick asked.

Kate was surprised. She had just assumed that he would, but was flattered that he asked. "Yeah I was kinda hoping you would... that is if you want to."

"I do. I can't imagine going home and trying to sleep alone afterward."

"Me either."

"Then... do you mind terribly if I stopped home and grabbed a couple things first?"

"Um, sure that's fine."

Rick asked his driver to detour to his place but then they both fell silent for a few more minutes before he spoke up again. "And what about protection? Should we stop and get some or are you covered?"

"I'm on the pill, but I don't have anything else right now."

"Me either."

She turned to him with skepticism written all over her face.

"I'm serious. It's been a long time. A very, very long time. In fact I may have forgotten what to do."

"Really?" she said playing along.

"Really." Rick tipped her chin so that he could kiss her soundly. "I'm sorry Detective, but you may have to refresh my memory."

By the time they reached the loft, Rick's memory was slowly returning, and Kate had to scoot off his lap before they could get out of the car.

"Eddie," Rick called to the driver, "we'll be back in a few minutes, OK?"

The older man nodded respectfully before Rick shut the door and escorted her into the building.

Castle hadn't been exaggerating when he said that his house would be overrun with inebriated thespians.

Kate and Rick entered the loft without even being noticed. In the living room, an audience was gathered around Martha and two others that looked vaguely familiar, acting out a scene from "Much Ado About Nothing", in the kitchen a young man was juggling liquor bottles while tending bar, and from somewhere down the hall someone was playing the theme from "Cats" on the piano.

He led her by the hand, through the office and into his room, shutting the door behind them.

"Are you sure you don't want to just stay here and enjoy the entertainment?" Rick joked as he pulled an overnight bag out of his closet.

Kate pulled him to her by the tie and purred, "As tempting as that is, I think I'll pass. You're the only person who's entertainment I want to enjoy tonight."

Rick dropped the bag and pressed himself against her with so much force that they fell back onto his bed.

"Eager?" she laughed between kisses.

"You have no idea." He propped himself up on one elbow so that he could look her in the eyes. "Do you know how long I've waited for this? To touch you and... and to see you and show you how much I love you?"

"Well, I believe you offered to debrief me the first week we met."

"True, and I would have enjoyed it... but I'm so glad we've waited until it means something. And tonight, now that I know that you love me too, it means everything."

"Thank you for waiting for me."

"You're worth the wait."

Kate pulled Rick's head down so that their lips met again. Her hands tangled in his hair and her leg curled up around his.

All resolution to hold off until returning to her place would have quickly been forgotten if there hadn't been a knock on the door.

"Richard, Darling... did I see you come home?"

Rick quickly rolled off the bed and helped Kate to stand as well. Both smoothed down their hair and clothes before he moved to open the door.

"Yes Mother, I'm home. But only for a few minutes."

Martha, who was carrying a nearly empty glass of champagne stepped into the room.

"Kate! I didn't see you come in. Hello!"

"Hello Martha."

The older woman blushed. "I'm so sorry. You two must be.. I mean, I didn't interrupt anything did I?"

The couple shared a mutually suppressed smile, before Rick answered. "No, I was actually just packing up a few things. I'm going to crash at Kate's tonight."

If the older woman noticed that the bag that was supposedly being packed was lying upside down and forgotten on the floor, she was kind enough not to mention it.

"Oh. I can't say I blame you. We are making an awful racket aren't we?"

"Just a bit."

"Well then I'll leave you to it. But first, I was just wondering if we were out of vodka?"

"I just restocked after the New Year's party Mother. If there is no more in the cabinet, then you've downed it all."

"That's what I was afraid of. Oh well. The show will go on without it. Have fun you two."

Martha floated out of the room, with the scent of alcohol wafting behind her, and soon returned to the party.

Rick leaned against the door and sighed. "I am so glad we're going back to your place."

"Me too."

Less than five minutes later, everything was carefully packed and they were headed back into the night.

Once back in the privacy of the dark town car, they picked up where they'd left off before. By the time they arrived at Kate's apartment, she had to tug the hem of her dress back down and Rick buttoned several of his shirt buttons back up before stepping out into the cold.

The elevator ride up to her floor was spent with lips locked and hands roaming. When the doors slid open they didn't even pull apart to make their way down the hall.

Kate fumbled to get her keys in the lock while Rick nibbled on the side of her neck. When she finally got it open, they practically tumbled into her place, barely remembering to shut the door behind them.

"Katie?" A familiar voice came from somewhere in the dark living room. "Is that you Honey?"

"Dad!" she asked, with a mixture of shock and embarrassment.

Rick stepped slightly away from her, just as the light on the end table clicked on.

"Oh, hello Rick." Jim greeted awkwardly then glanced back to his daughter. "Did you get my text?"

She fumbled in her purse to retrieve her phone while shaking her head no.

"The power is out in my building again, which means no heat. I tried to let you know, but when you didn't answer, I just figured you were working."

"No, we were at Ryan's wedding."

"Was that this weekend?"

"Yeah."

Jim threw the blankets onto the back of the couch and started to get up. "I'll just go to a hotel then."

Frustrated, but still sympathetic to her father, Kate stopped him. "No Dad. Stay here. It's the middle of the night. You can't go out now."

"But I don't want to be an intrusion."

"You aren't. It's late, we're just gonna go to sleep."

Rick's eyebrows shot up clearly asking "We are?"

"If you're sure you don't mind," Jim added hesitantly.

"I don't. Just get some rest. I'm sorry we woke you up."

Before her father could argue anymore, Kate took Rick's hand and led him to her room.

As soon as the door was closed and locked, she leaned heavily against its frame. "I'm so sorry. I just can't kick him out at two in the morning."

"I understand. Would you like me to get us a hotel room?"

Kate sighed and shook her head. "No. If we leave, he'll know he interrupted something other than us coming home to go to sleep and then he'll feel all guilty."

"Well what do you want to d?. Whatever you decide is fine with me."

She thought about it for a while but didn't come up with any shining solutions. "Is it just me, or do you feel like a teenager trying to sneak around too?"

"No it's not just you. When your dad sat up and turned on the light, I felt like I did in 11th grade when Gloria Birch's dad knocked on my very steamed up car window, and then escorted his daughter home."

Well, I don't think it's quite that dramatic this time. My dad, and everyone else just assumes we're already sleeping together. He's not going to try to separate us."

"Maybe not, but here we are, alone in your room, and we're talking about your dad. Not very sexy."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's not your fault."

Kate bit her lip and dropped her head to his shoulder. "Will you be upset if nothing happens tonight?"

"I'd be lying if I said I'm not disappointed, but I understand. No one wants to have sex with their father in the next room, and frankly I don't need the performance anxiety of knowing he's only a few feet behind the door. When we finally do this, I don't want either of us to hold back."

"Thank you, Rick."

"There's no reason to thank me."

"Yes there is. You've been amazingly patient and understanding and now that you've got a green light, our parents run interference. You have reason to be aggravated."

"Only as much as you do. And who am I going to get aggravated with? You? None of it's your fault. My mother for only doing something I've known about for weeks? Or maybe your dad's super for hiring incompetent contractors to do renovations on his building? Sure, it's not ideal, but it's just one of those things."

"I guess. I just wanted this so much."

"I know. I did too, and it will happen. Soon. But for now, if its still OK that I stay, I can still hold you all night and wake up with you in my arms."

"I would like nothing better... well almost nothing."

Rick kissed her smiling lips. "Then lets get ready to go to sleep."

"Yes, Dear." She teasingly replied.

He took his bag and headed toward the bathroom.

"Hey Rick, before you disappear, can you unzip me?" Kate turned so that he'd have access to the zipper.

He did and as the zipper moved lower, Rick trailed a finger down her bare spine in its wake.

When it was completely undone, he nibbled on her earlobe. "I'd continue to help you undress, but then we'd wake your father for sure."

Liquid fire pooled in Kate's abdomen and flamed in her cheeks at the thought. "Then you'd better run off to the bathroom now, cuz my restraint is slipping fast."

Rick squeezed her butt and then left the room. When he returned, bare chested but sporting brown and blue plaid flannel pants, Kate was dressed in navy cotton night shirt and laying on the bed.

He stopped at the foot of the bed and took her in with his eyes, from the tips of her polished toes, up her long legs, over her curves and finally to her face. "I could certainly get used to finding such a lovely sight in my bed each night."

"I'm in my bed though."

"Well I could get used to coming to your bed too."

"I hope you do. I plan to have you in it often."

Rick literally growled, and began to crawl across the bed toward her. "Detective, you're tempting me again."

"I know, but it's so easy." Kate kissed his nose, then rolled away, dropping her feet to the floor. "Pick whichever side of the bed you want. I need to brush my teeth and wash my face, but I'll be right back."

By the time that Kate emerged from the both consumed her.

Quietly, so as not to wake him, she shut off the light and slipped into bed.

He mumbled something almost incoherent that sounded like, "Love you Baby," and then rolled to his back. Seeing this as an invitation, she snuggled up close to him and rested her head on his chest, pulled her leg up over his and let her fingers glide over his skin.

She didn't know how long she laid there thinking, but it wasn't long. The steady beat of his heart soon lulled her into a happy dream filled sleep.

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: Well friends as you may realize, this is a day earlier than my usual post, although I'm sure it's Monday somewhere in the world. But tomorrow I will be baking cooking and sewing some pajama pants for gifts, and will not be at my computer, and I didn't want to forget to post, so I put the pedal to the metal and got it out a little early.**

**And don't worry those aren't the only gift I'm working on... I HOPING (finger's crossed) to have next Monday's chapter available early on Christmas Eve instead.**

** SPOILER ALERT FOR NEXT CHAPTER FELL FREE TO SKIP THE NEXT SENTENCE. As you've noticed after reading this chapter I've kept our love birds apart long enough, and so my gift to them (and you) is to finally consummate their love.  
><strong>

**OK, it's safe to read again LOL! Before I go, I just want welcome my new readers again. More and more of you keep appearing! I'm soooooo glad to have you join the fun. And to EVERYONE who responded and replied to me on the last chapter... thank you! You totally make me smile... and in some instnaces laugh or blush. If you don't believe me... ask Teelduo.**

**OK, that's it for now! Have a wonderful week, and just in case I can't the next chapter up before the holidays...**

**Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! I hope and pray you are all greatly blessed!**

**DeBo81**


	17. Chapter 17

**In Chapter 16:**

***Rick and Kate attend the Ryan's wedding reception.  
><strong>

***Kate notices Gates watching them, and feels self conscious. Rick has no such qualms.  
><strong>

***Both Rick and Kate are eager and ready for the"big night" but inadvertently both Martha and Papa Beckett get in the way, preventing them from taking the next step.  
><strong>

***Rick ends up staying with Kate for the night and spend the night in each other's arms  
><strong>

**And now the next morning...**

Chapter 17

The sound of her cell phone ringing, just inches from her ear, slowly made its way into Kate's subconscious until she was able to reach for the offending gadget.

"Beckett." she slurred groggily.

"Detective Beckett, this is Captain Gates. I'm sorry to be calling you on your day off, but it's an emergency.

The word emergency woke her fully, propelling her to sit up out of Rick's embrace. "Sir?"

"Detective Rhorman, Karpowski's partner has been injured and is currently at the hospital. I need you to cover the case." Then she gave Beckett the address.

"Yes Sir. I'll be there as soon as possible. What happened to Rhorman? Is he OK?"

"Hit and run when exiting his vehicle at the scene. Luckily Officer Meidema was pulling up behind him, called it in and tracked down our driver. DUI. Rhorman, last I heard, was stable, but most likely had multiple fractures and who knows what else."

"OK, I'll cover it. Is Karpowski with Rhorman? Should I call Esposito?"

"I'll leave that up to you. Karpowski is still on the scene, but if she needs to go, I understand."

"Very well. I'm headed out now."

Kate glanced at her clock as she clicked off her phone. Six am. She decided to just let Rick sleep and crawled out of bed.

"Don't get up. Stay in bed." he mumbled when the heat of her body left him.

"Sorry I can't. I've got a body. You stay, I'll catch you up later."

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, no. If you're going I am too."

"You really don't have to."

"I know. I want to."

"Suit yourself." Kate said as she laid out her clothes, and then wrote a note for her dad, explaining that they were called away. Most likely he'd be gone by the time she came home, and she didn't want to wake him to let him know they were leaving.

Rick sat up and stretched. "Have I ever told you how much I like sleeping with you."

"No, but if you think that was great, wait til we aren't just sleeping!"

"Oh, trust me I'm looking forward to it."

Rick got out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom. Kate took the moment of privacy to strip out of her pajamas and dress for the day.

Rick was done in the bathroom much quicker than anticipated and when he emerged, Kate was still only in her bra and panties.

He immediately closed the space between them and wrapped his arms around her flat stomach. "That body isn't going anywhere anytime soon is it? I'm sure it could wait another hour or two."

Kate peeled herself away from him, albeit reluctantly. "I wish that was true, but its been waiting long enough already."

"You're so darn responsible."

"It's a fault of mine."

He chuckled quietly but then stilled suddenly. Without warning, he reached out and gently touched the bullet scar between her breasts.

She looked down and watched as he touched the wound reverently. Neither of them spoke for several long moments.

When she covered his hand with hers, she had to take a deep breath before she could speak. "Are you OK?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I saw it while you were sick, I just never really saw it so close."

Kate didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything.

After another few moments, Rick dipped his head and kissed the scar ever so gently before bringing his lips back up to hers. "I love you Kate, and I don't want another day to ever pass without me telling you that. Even if that means you wake me up late at night or early in the morning to say you've been called to a case. "

Kate understood. Maybe it seemed morbid to think that any day could be their last, but both she and Rick knew how quickly and unexpectedly life could end. And she also knew that if that day came for one of them, how important that last confession of love would be.

"And I don't want a day to pass without me telling you either." She lifted her hand to his brow and softly caressed his temple. "I love you Richard Castle."

He kissed her briefly but with passion. "Now we can start our day."

XXXXXXXXXXX

When Kate and Rick arrived at the crime scene, Karpowski stuck around just long enough to give her the rundown and a copy of her notes. Then she left, letting Perlmutter finish filling them in on the man with the crowbar protruding from his ample gut.

Kate texted Esposito, letting him know that their long weekend was ending early. In less than an hour they were all deep into the case.

By the time they got back to the station, it was approaching noon. Castle went to grab them some food and Epsosito logged into his computer to see if they had gotten anything back from the CSU yet. Beckett began filling the white board with photos and notes and was working on the time line when Gates called her into her office.

"Close the door and have a seat," the Captain instructed.

Beckett complied, bringing the two women face to face.

"We got anything yet?"

"Ahhh no, not much. Our vic is Leo Woodruff, 48, widowed, no kids or known family. His co-workers describe him as a nice guy, but fairly shy; kind of a loner. He works at McCullough Auto repair, which is certainly of interest since the murder weapon is a crowbar. Esposito spent the morning there getting statements and ID's but so far nothing's sticking out. Right now, we're just waiting for evidence to start coming in. Once we get the prints and DNA swabs back we'll hopefully have more to go on."

"Well keep me apprised."

"Will do. How is Det. Rhorman? Have you heard anything new?"

"Broken femur, compound fracture of the tibia, dislocated shoulder, concussion, road rash, and a multitude of scrapes and bruises. He's had better days."

"I'd say so."

"He's in surgery now, and is expected to make a full recovery, but he won't be back to work for weeks. Meaning when Karpowski takes her maternity leave we'll be almost an entire team down. Clinton is still training Melrose, and we'll up their load, but it also means that when Ryan comes back, he and Esposito will most likely be given cases separate from yours."

"I see."

"No, I'm not sure you do. Although its against my better judgment, what this essentially does, is make Castle your partner. You'll need to take unis with you for back up because I will not give that man a gun, and he still won't have any police authority. But in all other respects, there may be times when he's your entire team."

Kate was slightly shocked. Rick had been her "partner" for what seemed like forever now, so that was of no real concern to her, but for Gates to green light it was completely a surprise.

"I'm sure we'll be fine."

"I can only hope so, Detective, because I'm out of personnel."

"With all do respect Sir, Castle has been my partner for a while now. Although not having Ryan and Esposito working directly with us will hurt the team, I know we can carry the load and not let you down."

"You do realize that this means you'll need to be extra vigilant in keeping whatever happens behind closed doors separate from what happens on the job."

A knot formed in her stomach. _So part of this was about Gates seeing them as a couple._

"I can assure you, that we can keep our private lives private and not let it interfere with our work."

"That's a pretty big promise, remember there are eyes everywhere."

As Captain Gates spoke, she removed a newspaper from her drawer and laid it on the desk in front of them. On the page was a headline, "What's hotter than Heat?", and below it, a picture of Kate and Rick standing in front of the reception hall the night before. He was standing behind her, cheek to cheek; his arms were wrapped around her stomach and they were both laughing.

Kate took the paper and read the short blurb.

Has millionaire, playboy author, Richard Castle, found more than inspiration with Detective Kate Beckett? Beckett, a homicide detective out of the NYPD's 12th precinct, is well known for being the basis for Castle's best selling 'Nikki Heat' series, but has she gone from being his muse to his aMUSEment?

The couple was spotted leaving the wedding reception of friend and coworker, Kevin Ryan late last night. Other attendees of the wedding describe Castle and Beckett as "inseparable", "flirtatious", and "looking very much in love".

Castle has been shadowing the detective for almost four years now, and although there has always been speculation as to the couple's relationship status, it's apparent now that they are indeed an item.

Kate knew that from time to time Rick showed up in the society pages and gossip rags, and knew that it was a possibility that by dating him, she would too, but nothing prepared her to see it in print.

Beckett tore her eyes from the paper to look back at her boss. She was surprised to see the older woman not only looking fairly relaxed, but if she didn't know better, a bit sympathetic as well.

"Look Kate, off the record, woman to woman, I've seen how you two look at each other, how you work together. Seeing you together last night wasn't as much of a surprise as it was a confirmation. I hope you two are happy together. I truly do.

And as your boss, I'm not going to tell you how to live you're life, but let me make it clear that if it comes into my station, it becomes my business. You've shown me that you and Castle make a great team. That's the only reason I've let him stick around. But I'm warning you, if this becomes a problem, he's gone."

"Understood, Sir."

"I thought you would."

Sensing the conversation was over, Kate stood to leave, but before she turned to the door, Gates handed her the paper. "You should keep this."

She didn't really want it but took it anyway.

After lunch, Kate took Rick into an interrogation room and tossed the newspaper Gates had given her on the table.

"Did you see this?"

He picked it up and quickly read the tiny article.

"I knew this would happen sooner or later."

"I thought it might too, but I was still stunned to actually see it."

"At least its not too bad, except for that amusement crack. You know you're not just an amusement to me. They were just trying to be witty and failed miserably."

"I realize that, but it doesn't mean I'm OK with it. We have to be careful about this kinda stuff, it could really effect my job. Gates is the one who showed me this."

"Ooooooooh no. Was she pissed?" Rick asked, cringing.

"She wasn't thrilled, but wasn't angry either. Basically she said to keep our personal life separate from our work life. She was surprisingly accepting of the whole thing."

"That's good. It wasn't exactly bad press, so she doesn't have much to worry about."

"Is there anything we can do to stay out of the papers? We don't really want all the criminals we work with to have the latest 411 on us. I mean it's one thing to say we're together, it's another thing if they're hounding us or broadcasting our every move."

"I'll talk to Paula and see what she can do. Otherwise we just have to be extra careful."

Rick reached out and squeezed her hand. "You OK?"

"Yeah." she replied flatly.

"Liar. What is it?"

"What if...?" Kate took a deep breath and blew it out hard enough to make the front of her hair fly up. "What if whoever shot me, and went after my mom and Montgomery and everybody, sees this? It could put you in danger too."

"I've been at your side for four years Kate. If they did follow you, they would already know that. This isn't going to be news. I'm fine. You're fine. If we let them rule our lives with fear, they win. And we are not going to let them win."

"No we aren't. Thank you, I need to be reminded sometimes."

He smiled and rubbed her wrist with his thumb.

Aware that the room wasn't exactly private she dropped her voice considerably. "Maybe tonight you can remind me some more."

"I'd like that."

"I figured you would. But right now I need to go back to work."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Since most of the afternoon was spent waiting for test results and evidence processing, Kate had more time than she needed to let her mind wander to the activities of the night ahead.

More than once she was caught by one person or another, staring off into space, likely with a dumb grin plastered to her face.

When it was time to leave for the day, she almost didn't notice because she was too busy thinking about what she might wear for their first rendezvous.

Mentally Kate cataloged her lingerie, and realized she couldn't wear any of them. They were bought for or by other men, like Will or Josh. She just couldn't wear any of those to be with Rick. It just wouldn't be right.

She looked at her watch, she had about three hours before he was supposed to come over. That gave her enough time to do a little shopping.

Two hours and four stores later, Kate came home armed with an assortment of new lingerie and because she couldn't resist, velvet covered handcuffs for use on a future date.

By the time she had everything put away, showered and redressed, complete with brand new plum colored lace bra and thong, Rick was walking in her door with dinner.

"Hi Honey, I'm hooooome." he called playfully.

"Do you mind setting the table for dinner? I'll be out in a minute," she replied.

"Sure!"

While she put on her earrings, she could hear him rummaging through her cabinets.

The delicious aroma of the food wafted in toward her, making her stomach growl. "Mmmmm, what did you bring? It smells delicious."

She didn't hear his response, but it didn't really matter, because not long afterward, she emerged from her room and saw the plates of roasted chicken, potatoes, veggies and rolls.

Before heading into the kitchen, she looked over herself one last time. Like every other aspect of the evening, Kate had agonized over what to wear. She wanted to look sexy, but not slutty, made up but still natural. So she wore her hair down, letting it curl gently around her face, and mascara and lip gloss, but nothing heavy or distracting. She knew it was a good match to the fluttery, pewter colored silk tank top and black skinny pants she'd eventually settled on.

Satisfied that all was well, she moved toward Rick who was pouring wine at the counter. She couldn't help but notice how great he looked aw well, even from behind, in his chocolate brown pants and extremely dark turquoise shirt.

Rick turned and let out a low wolf whistle when he saw her. "Look at you Beautiful! All dressed up and with no place to go."

She spun around for inspection and then posed briefly while he blatantly checked her out."That's just fine with me. I'm looking forward to an evening in with a certain someone special."

"Sounds intriguing. Have I met him?"

"I think so. He's about your height, has gorgeous blue eyes, great hair and a super sexy smile. I've even heard him described as 'ruggedly handsome'."

He approached her eagerly, even though she was again headed toward him. When they met, he surprised her by cupping her ass to tug her close. She willingly let him pull their bodies together.

"Well maybe I should leave then. I'd hate to be intimidated by such an Adonis."

"Oh, I think you'll hold your own. After all you aren't too shabby either."

"Thanks... I think."

Kate ran her hands up and down Rick's back, enjoying the feeling of his strong body under her hands. Then she tipped her forehead against his and closed her eyes.

Neither spoke for a little while; they were content to just hold each other and savor the joy of the moment.

Kate finally broke the silence. "If I tell you something, do you promise not to laugh?"

"Yes."

"When I think about being with you, becoming one with you, I... I feel like a virgin all over again."

Rick moved his head just a little, so that he could look directly into her eyes.

"It's not just the nervousness of the moment. It's that when I think of you, nothing that has happened before measures up. I feel like what we're sharing is completely new."

When he didn't say anything, Kate wondered if perhaps she should have kept her thoughts to herself. Maybe she sounded stupid, or perhaps reminding him of the fact that obviously she wasn't a virgin made him think of the men in her past. She was considering how to get out of the situation when he finally spoke.

"I don't know how we almost always seem to be on the same page. I feel the same way, but didn't know if I should tell you."

Kate smiled. It was ironic in a way, that he should feel like this as well, because one of the reasons that she had distanced herself from him in the first place was his long history with women, but now that they were together, everything in their pasts melted away.

She kissed him soundly, which he returned. And then he moved so that his lips found the pulse point in her neck where he slowly alternated between gently sucking the sensitive spot and pressing hot kisses to it.

Already lightheaded from his attention, Kate dug her fingers into his shoulders for support as she closed her eyes and tipped her head back, giving him greater access to her long neck.

While his lips worked their way up to her jaw, his hands also made their own journey from her hips, up under the silk of her top, where he caressed the soft flesh of her back.

It didn't take long before she could feel that he was affected as much as she was.

She turned her head so that her mouth would meet his again, and then moaned when his tongue swept past her lips.

Kate was so filled with euphoria and excitement, that she didn't know if she wanted them to speed forward into what they'd been waiting so long for, or slow down and savor each exhilarating moment.

As if reading her thoughts, Rick pulled back slightly to ask her what she wanted. "Are we moving too fast? Aren't you hungry?"

She briefly looked over at the food that was sitting out, cooling on the table. "For food, no. For you? Ravenous."

Rick growled and picked her up, encouraging her to wrap her legs around his waist.

Once in her room, he headed directly to the bed and slowly put her down next to it, so that she practically slid off of him.

After her feet were firmly back on the floor he took her hands and stood back admiring her from head to toe and back again. Her breath caught in her throat as she watched him admire her. No man had ever looked at her in quite the same way, and she still had all her clothes on!

When their eyes locked again, Kate's smile almost split her face in two. She loved this man so much.

Rick dropped one of her hands so that he could lift his to brush the hair back away from her face.

"You wanna know a secret? He whispered.

She tried to answered but could only nod.

He closed the space between them again and breathed the words softly next to her ear. "It's not just that being with you feels fresh and new... It's that I've never felt like _this_ before. You make me live and love in a way I never knew was possible."

Kate shook her head and whispered back. "No, you're the one showing me how to live and love. I always figured what we have was possible for some people, but I never thought it would be possible for me."

Words could no longer express how they felt. The kiss they fell into was long, deep and white hot. Their hands roamed each other, exploring, savoring, claiming what the other had to give.

Slower than either of them expected, one garment after another was shed and tossed to the floor.

When there was nothing left between them beside a couple of thin scraps of recently purchased purple lace, they turned so that Rick could lay Kate down on the bed in front of him.

As he moved to join her, Kate's cell phone began to ring.

Because he was closer to the nightstand, Rick grabbed it first, looked at the caller ID, showed her it was Lanie and then tossed the phone across the room and out the door into the living room.

"Castle, I need that phone for work."

He lowered himself so that he was half next to her and half over her. "If it's broke I'll buy you a new one first thing in the morning. Tonight we don't work, we play."

And play they did, off and on for the rest of the night, until sometime in the earliest hours of the morning when they fell, clinging to each other, into a deep and sated sleep.

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Feliz Natal, Joyeux Noel, Buon Natale, Mele Kalikimaka, Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun, Sheng Dan Kuai Le, Sretan Bozic, Zalig Kerstfeast, Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad, Fröhliche Weihnachten, Selamat Hari Natal, Nollaig Shona Dhuit, Sung Tan Chuk Ha, God Jul, Boze Narodzenie, Maligayang Pasko, everyone! (Please forgive me if any of these aren't correct... I copied the different Merry Christmases from a website, or if I don't have it in your native language, I still wish you well this holiday season!)**

**So I got it out on Christmas Eve as planned, AND they finally hooked up! Yay! Happiness for everyone! I hope it was worth the wait. :)  
><strong>

**Just so you know, this will be the last chapter of this year. My next chapter will be out the first week of January, HOPEFULLY (fingers crossed...again) on Monday the 2nd, but definitely before the next new Castle episode. So Happy New Year to everyone as well!**

**Being the last chapter of the year I really need to reiterate my thanks to each and every one of you. For some of you, Brickwork, is the first of my stories you've read. For others, you joined me almost a year ago when I decided to try my hand at Castle fic with Reservations, many others joined somewhere along the way. No matter how long you've been reading what I write, I just want to thank you all. Writing fic has brought me such joy. I love being able to let my creativity flow, and knowing that there are people, literally all over the world who enjoy it... well it just blows me away. 2011 has been a wonderful journey into the Castle fandom and I love you all!**

**Happy Holidays!**

**God Bless you all!**

**Debo81**


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 17 review:**

***The morning after the Ryan's wedding Kate (and thus Rick and Esposito) get called in to take a case when Karpowski's partner is hurt.  
><strong>

***Gates shows Kate that her and Castle's relationship made it into the paper, and although isn't upset, warns her to be careful in the future.**

***After shopping and dressing for their first night together, Kate has Rick over for dinner, but instead, our favorite couple finally take their relationship to the physical level.**

**Also as a side note, near the end of the chapter, there's 2 more passages of centered text... these are excerpts directly from Heat Rises, but I wouldn't say that they contain any spoilers if you haven't read the book yet! Just wanted to let you know.  
><strong>

**And now on to my longest chapter to date...**

Chapter 18

January 26, 2012

I think this has been the longest time I've gone without writing since I began this journal, and I feel like I have a lot to catch up with. It's certainly been an eventful week. I suppose I could sit here and wonder where to begin, but I think there is only one answer... the beginning.

In my last entry, I mentioned that I was waiting for Rick to come back from Chicago so that I could show him what I did with the granite bricks he'd given me. He was pleasantly surprised. He told me that he knew they'd find their home here. Although the statement was completely benign, it made me think how "at home" we are becoming in each other's lives. And although several months ago that would have put me on guard and made me defensive, here I am instead, reveling in this cherished feeling of warmth and love.

Later that night, on our way home from Ryan's rehearsal dinner and party at the pub, Rick even shared with me about his ex wives. I have to admit that I've been curious about them for a long time, and although he's shared bits and pieces with me along the way, I'd never been comfortable prying any deeper into the situation.

Now that I understand his side of those situations, I've come to respect him even more. He really always has been more the charming, loveable sweetheart that I know, rather than the frivolous playboy the media has always portrayed. I mean, I know he still has quite the colorful past, but those were bachelor days. When he was in relationships, specifically his marriages but I also believe in other serious relationships as well, he was a devoted nurturing father first and foremost, but also an honest, monogamous, committed, husband. This alleviates more than one fear. I'd be lying if I said I was never concerned that perhaps he couldn't handle being faithful to one woman. But he's showed me time and again, especially over this last year, that he's so much more than the whimsical spoiled man-child that I first encountered all those years ago. I know that although he is fun loving and spontaneous at heart, sometimes he uses that persona as his own type of wall. I'm not even sure if he realizes it.

Anyway, enough about that... back to this eventful week.

The next day was the wedding. I knew from watching Kevin and Jenny glow that week, that it would be sweet and emotional, but little did I know how much watching my friends pledge their hearts and lives to each other would move me. Between witnessing their devotion and watching Rick stand at the front of the church as a groomsman, played with my heart and took blinders from my eyes. A part of me wished that I was the one standing at the front of the church in the white dress, confessing my love.

It stunned me when I understood that I was ready to make that confession, maybe not to the world yet, but at least to Rick. After all the times he told me and patiently waited for it to be returned, I couldn't wait another moment longer. So when I caught his eyes, I simply went with my gut and told him. Right then, right there. No, not out loud, but I did mouth the words and he understood immediately.

The first time we were alone together he asked me to tell him again so he could hear for himself. Of course I obliged, and frankly I don't think I've ever said anything so profound as those three simple words I hid from for so long.

So now it's out there. I love Rick and he loves me, and I've never, ever been happier.

(Is it sad that as I write this, I have the teenage urge to write our initials in hearts all over this page? :) But how mature would that be? Ok just once, but only cuz no one will ever read this... RC & KB. There... that felt strangely therapeutic, hahaha!)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the "I love you!"

Of course such a monumental proclamation deserves celebrating, and if I hadn't been ready to move our relationship to the physical level before, I was then. We're in love and we wanted to act on that, to show each other the depth of all we feel inside. So during the reception I let him know that I didn't want to wait anymore. I was finally ready to be with him.

He let me know that his place was was a no go for the night so we planned to come back here. Little did I know that my dad was probably at that very moment crashing at my place. This was the third time his building has lost power during the renovations that are being done, and being such a cold night, he accepted my open offer to stay with me. He left me a message, but in all the excitement, I never checked my phone and thus never realized he would be asleep on my couch when we came home primed and ready for a night of lovemaking.

Let me just say, coming face to face with your father does about as much for the libido as an ice cold shower. We would have to wait yet another day.

I can't say that it was a total loss though. Rick did spend the night and I fell asleep on his chest and woke up in his arms. Since then, it's how we've slept every night, and I can honestly say I can't imagine how I'll ever get back to sleep again without him at my side. But now I'm getting ahead of myself.

So my team was supposed to be off for the rest of the weekend, but due to a freak accident involving another detective, Espo, Rick and I were back on the job early the next morning. Det. Rhorman (who was hit by a car) will be fine after a long recovery, but with him on medical leave and Det. Karpowski beginning her maternity leave next week, we're a whole team down, putting a double load on my team.

The most interesting part of this, is that Gates, who has never wanted Castle around, has now officially dubbed him my "partner". And this announcement came not only after discovering that we were dating, but on the same morning that she opened the paper to find one of her detectives and her personal thorn in the side, had made the gossip column.

I'll get to the headlines in a minute, but let me tell you that when Gates (for lack of a better word) promoted Castle, I could have fallen right out of my chair. And then on top of that, she was kind and sympathetic about the press we received. Knowing that she had also been at the wedding the night before, I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps she was still a little drunk.

Now on to the newspaper article. Well, it was more like a blurb and a picture than an article, but none the less, Rick and I made headlines. The press has officially dubbed us a couple based on a combination of a pictures, some witness observations and I'm guessing, a lot of speculation.

Yes, I know they are correct, but they never asked either of us. I'm not surprised by it, but it would have been nice. I'm not ashamed of our relationship, but I hate having it be fodder for tabloids and paparazzi.

Rick says he'll try to have his publicist put a cap on it for the sake of my job, but that he can't promise it won't happen again. I appreciate both his effort and his honesty. I don't appreciate the fact that he tagged on the statement that eventually I'll get used to it. I don't think that's possible for one thing. And for another, the thought that it might happen enough for it to be common enough for me to adjust to it, literally makes my skin crawl.

Anyway, after all that, the work day finally came to an end... leaving both Rick and I anticipating the evening ahead. We agreed that he would go home, pack another overnight bag, and bring some dinner over around eight o clock and that he wouldn't be going back home that night.

So on the way home I stopped at a couple stores including, Lola's Intimates. I wanted to buy some new underwear and lingerie. I just couldn't be with Rick wearing something that had been bought with the intentions of sleeping with another man. In fact, when I came home with my new purchases, I completely emptied my drawer of lingerie and personal items into the trash.

Anything that I have now will be just for us.

By the time Rick came over, I was so anxious and excited I felt like I was practically buzzing. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way, because we never even got around to eating the food he brought.

The weeks, months, and years of fantasizing, and anticipating didn't come even close to how wonderful that night was. I can't even put it into words. It wasn't just physical, but emotional and spiritual and just all-consuming. I feel like our souls became one.

Re-reading that last paragraph makes me realize how terribly hokey that sounds, but I don't know how else to describe it. I've heard the phrase "becoming one flesh", but now I understand it. In all my years, I've never known that two people could melt into one, until now. It's unnerving and intoxicating and mesmerizing all at one time.

I could continue, but this is already a record breaking entry so I'll move on.

Over the next couple days, the biggest obstacle became keeping our relationship professional at work. Before we began sleeping together, I believed that it would be as easy as it always has been. Sure there would be the subtle glances and the occasional touch that lasted a bit too long, but it soon became evident that working side by side, day in and day out with the person who's very presence leaves you breathless is like asking an alcoholic to sit at the bar just to save your seat. The temptation, the memories, the desire takes on a visceral quality that practically begs to be acted on.

So far we've managed to keep ourselves in check but it has taken epic levels of self control. The upside to that though, is by the time we get home its like we've experienced 10 hours of foreplay.

The first three nights, Rick stayed here, or at least came back here after going home to be with his family. Last night he asked me to come home with him.

Even though we've hung out at his place quite a few times since we shared with Alexis and Martha that we were dating, it's all been very casual: movie nights, games nights, dinner. The sexual tension was always on a back burner. But last night, I felt like everyone knew. I questioned whether Alexis would be angry at us or if I'd lose her respect. I wondered if perhaps Martha would make a comment, especially after walking in on a make out session earlier in the week. But by the time dinner was through, I'd come to realize that the only person making a big deal out of things was me. I doubt Martha and Alexis even thought about our sleeping arrangements, until Rick happened to mention during dessert that I'd be there for breakfast the next morning.

I have to admit that when the words came out of his mouth I almost choked on my brownie sundae. It's not like I didn't know that it would be evident at some point, it was just that I'd finally relaxed about the entire thing.

I watched Rick's family, patiently waiting for their reaction, but whatever it was that I expected to happen, never transpired. Martha just told me she'd bring some more feminine shampoos and soaps down to Rick's bathroom and Alexis asked if I wanted blueberries in my waffles or not.

That night when we were finally alone, I tried to hold back. I'd never been with a man who's mother and daughter were in the same home. But Rick would have none of that, and it wasn't long before I'd forgotten all my qualms.

Much later, as we laid in bed together, I stared at the photo of the sunrise through the wall, that I'd given him for Christmas, and thought about how far we've come. About how much of my wall has crumbled or thinned. Though still there, it's started to gape and sag. I can see out of it, and stretch past it's confines. I feel like so much of it's weight has left me, that I'm finally free.

I wonder if I even need to tear more down. I'm happy and comfortable where I am. I have the space I need to be myself, and there's certainly enough room now to love and be loved. But there's still enough of it left that I feel it's familiar safety as well.

Everything is just so RIGHT, right now. I don't want it to change. What if I keep trying to bring down the wall and everything I have now crumbles with it? How could I ever get that back?

A knock on the bathroom door startled Kate out of her thoughts, making her jump slightly. She almost dropped her journal in the spacious tub.

"You OK in there?" Rick called from the other side. "You've been in there almost an hour."

"I'm fine. Has it been that long already?"

Rick opened the door just enough to stick his head in. "Yeah, and my video conference just ended so I thought if you were going to stay in there, I'd join you."

Kate stretched over the edge of the tub and placed the journal and pen on top of the marble counter.

"As luxurious and relaxing as the hot water and jets are, I should probably get out."

"Do you need help drying off?"

"Thanks, but I think I'll be fine."

She looked over at the towel bar and saw that it was empty. "Actually, I can use your help." She pointed to where the towels should be. "Can you grab me a towel?"

Rick disappeared momentarily, and when he returned, he stuck his hand through the door, holding a wash cloth. "This should work nicely!"

The upper half of his body leaned in around the door as he waved the scrap of cloth in the air.

"Castle!" Kate retorted with her best attempt at annoyance.

"What!" he laughed, his eyes dancing with mischief.

"You know what! Now go get me a real towel!"

He stepped fully into the bathroom and produced a large plush bath sheet from behind his back. "Like this?"

"Thank you!"

Kate pulled the plug from the drain and stood up from the steamy water. She reached out toward Rick so he could hand her the towel, but he stood just out of reach and shook his head. "Nuh uh."

He opened the terry cloth sheet so that it spanned his arms and chest. "Come here."

When her hands planted on her hips and her threatening glare didn't deter him, but only encouraged him to point out rather cheekily that she had better hurry up because he could tell she was getting cold, Kate rolled her eyes but conceded, carefully stepping out onto the bath rug.

Immediately, he wrapped himself and the towel around her, and proceeded to rub her dry.

"Mmmmm I like patting you dry but I think I'd like getting you wet even more. Next time we'll make it a bath for two."

"If you didn't have to make that conference call you could have joined me."

"I know, but I couldn't avoid that. It's your day off not mine."

"I know. And you're meeting with Paula this afternoon right?"

"Actually I wanted to talk to you about that. Paula asked if you would be available to join us for the meeting."

Kate turned in his arms and looked up into his eyes. "Did she say why?"

"No. I figure since we're trying to keep things quiet mainly because of your job, she may just have some questions about protocol and stuff."

"Oh. Yeah I'll go with you."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Rick opened the door to the office suite, leading the way, but then stopped so abruptly that Kate ran right into him.

She couldn't see what made him come to such an abrupt stop, but before she could wonder long, he spoke.

"Gina! What a surprise. I didn't know you'd be joining us today."

Kate moved to Rick's side just as the blonde woman turned in her chair toward them.

"Paula invited me. I hope that's not an issue."

"No, of course not."

Rick took Kate's hand and squeezed it. She didn't know if it more a comforting gesture for them or a show of unity aimed at the two women in power suits, staring at them from across the room.

He led her to a small couch next to Paula's desk and motioned for her to sit. "Paula, Gina, you both know Kate. Kate, I think you remember Paula my agent and Gina my publisher."

Kate nodded politely and bit back a response that she remembered Gina for more than her publishing skills. That was the past. Everyone had moved on and this was not the place for petty jealousy.

Now that everyone was settled, Paula began the meeting.

"As you all know, we're here today because your," she pointed her pen at the couple, "relationship has peaked the media's attention. Under other circumstances, or if this was just a casual fling, that might not be such a big deal, but because of the level of seriousness and the nature of your job, Kate, discretion is obviously vital. Unfortunately that is almost in complete opposition to the fact that Rick's career lives on attention and the press. It's going to be a fine line that we'll all need to walk so that you can keep one foot behind a private door and the other in the public eye. Years ago when Rick really came onto the scene, we established the fact that under all circumstances Alexis, would remain untouched by the media, unless a release was signed and obtained from my office and approved by both parents. Because she's a minor, and thankfully a good kid, it's been fairly easy to maintain her anonymity. For you Kate, it won't be that simple for reasons such as... A) you are Nikki Heat, a celebrity in your own right, B) you're in the news already from time to time with police beats and high profile cases, and C) the public loves to ship a great romance. Did you know that paparazzi has already dubbed you "Caskett"?"

After recovering from their initial shock, both Castle and Beckett shook their heads. They had no idea that they had a celebrity couple name.

As of right now, I've spoken to some of my contacts and they understand the required level of acumen that needs to be used. After all they really don't want to piss off the NYPD, but they aren't going to pretend that nothing is happening either. That's why I've invited Gina. I have an idea that I think will keep the wolves at bay."

"And that is?" Kate and Rick asked simultaneously.

"As you know, a predator is always less dangerous when well fed. I say lets beat any rumor mongers to the punch and just give them what they want up front... pure unadulterated Caskett!"

Rick waved his hands and shook his head. "Wait wait wait. We want to stay out of the lime light not jump into it."

Paula uncrossed her long legs, sat forward and leaned in toward Rick, allowing the deep v of her blouse to work its magic. Kate recognized the behavior as a power move, one that she herself had used more than once, and it irritated her to the point of balling her free hand so tightly that she wouldn't be surprised to find blood under her nails later.

"Ricky, you know as well as I do, that will never happen, not completely. What I'm offering you, is control of the game."

He turned to Kate, questioning her with his eyes. This meeting wasn't going at all the way they'd thought it would.

Kate couldn't sit back and watch any longer. "OK, what are you suggesting? What are our options?"

The publicist turned her attention to her, with something akin to respect in her eyes. "Well, we can do this a couple ways. We can ask various newsgroups and media outlets to respect your privacy and then sit back and let life happen, but I think we're all intelligent enough to know where that will most likely lead. We can go to one of your supervisors and ask them to put some type of official police order against certain types of publications that might involve official police business, but even if you could get that in place, it will attract as much attention as it deters. Freedom of speech will almost always win the press's side. Or we can keep the ball in our court and make the news rather than be the news."

"Go on."

Kate now found herself leaning in. Rick took the opportunity of her shifting to wrap his arm around her waist.

Gina took the reigns and answered her question. "What Paula and I were thinking was to put you two together in a public setting, something that the average fan can witness for themselves."

"Like?" Rick asked.

"Like a book signing."

"You think that Kate hanging around one of my signing events will appease the inquiring minds?"

"No, we think that you and Kate doing a signing together will. Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and right now there is nothing sexier on the bestseller list than Jameson Rook and Nikki Heat. What we want to do is promote the chance for your loyal readers to meet the real life couple behind the pages."

"It just sounds like you're trying to use our relationship to capitalize on book sales." Kate snapped.

"Well we can only hope that will be a perk," Paula interjected. "But it isn't the main goal. Think about this... It is the weekend before Valentine's Day, and it's time to introduce to the world, the couple behind the couple. We'll host an informal meet and greet followed by a brief reading by both of you from Heat Rises, then a Q & A and finally the book signing. The public will get to see you interact, see that you're normal, everyday people in a traditional relationship. They'll get to ask you the questions they're wondering and hear the answers from your own mouths, with no media interference or commentary to sway them."

Kate couldn't argue with the reasoning but she still didn't like the idea.

Gina spoke up again. "And Black Pawn is in complete favor of the idea. They'd love to see Nikki Heat on the street."

Kate turned to Rick to see what he was thinking. He looked like he was pouring over every detail in his mind. "Even if we did agree to some of this. I think the Q & A is dangerous."

"What if we had people submit questions before hand, so we could screen them? Nothing creepy or unexpected," Paula countered.

"That would be better, but I just don't know. We're going to need to talk about all..."

Castle's phone began to ring. Kate recognized the ring tone right away. It was Alexis.

He whipped out his phone and stood, excusing himself as he stepped into the hall to answer.

Without him next to her, Kate suddenly felt very alone as she faced Paula and Gina.

"Sorry about that. It's Alexis."

Paula actually broke into a smile. "Don't worry about it. I'm used to it. This certainly isn't the first time he's stopped a conversation dead in its tracks to answer his phone."

Gina commiserated. "Although there's only two people that I know of that he's done that for, so I knew it was his daughter, because you're sitting here."

Both the publisher and publicist laughed. She tried hard not to blush.

Kate was thrown a little off her guard by the whole experience. She hadn't expected either Paula or Gina to be so relaxed, so casual about her and Rick's relationship. She didn't know why exactly, except for the fact that she'd harbored her own jealousy and assumed that perhaps it went both ways.

Gina took a long drink from her coffee mug, reminding Paula to offer Kate a beverage. She declined, causing Paula to shrug and then relax against her chair.

"So tell me Detective, how long have you two actually been together? Off the record of course."

Kate stammered a bit, still feeling off kilter. "Since November."

"Of 2010?"

"No, 2011. It's only been a couple months."

"Seriously? I thought you'd been together a lot longer than that. Didn't you?" she asked Gina.

"I never really knew. At times I suspected it, cuz I knew how he felt. Good lord, that man wears his heart on his sleeve! Not to mention, I've seen the chemistry you guys have. But since he never said anything, I didn't want to ask. I try to stay out of my client's personal lives."

Before Kate said something they might all regret, Rick sauntered back into the spacious room. "Sorry about that. Alexis is having a bit of a crisis."

"Is she OK?" Kate asked immediately.

"She will be. Just some trouble in paradise."

Sensing that he wouldn't expand on the subject, they mutually let it drop.

All business again, Paula picked her pen back up and began impatiently tapping it on a note pad she'd placed in her lap.

"So what are we thinking here? The longer it takes to make a decision, the less proactive we are in our approach. And trust me, it's always easier to just put something out there than try to clean up a mess later."

The couple looked at each other, silently discussing the matter with their eyes.

If either of them had bothered to look over at the other two people in the room they would have seen Paula question Gina with a raised eyebrow, and Gina mouth back "I've seen them do this before. I think they must do it all the time."

Finally Rick turned back to his agent. "If we agree to this, there are going to have to be some ground rules."

"Understood. We want this to be your coming out party, if you will. It should be something you're happy and comfortable with."

"That might be stretching it a bit, but I'm sure we can don our best smiles and be on our best behavior for a couple hours."

"You don't have to be _that_ well behaved." Gina commented. "You're one of the hottest bad boys out there. Your fans love you and would love to be with you. There's bound to be a little jealousy from some of the ladies and maybe even some of the men, but after they get over it, they'll want to live vicariously through you. A well timed kiss or ass grab could take you far."

"No. When we kiss or anything else, its because we want to, not for a publicity stunt. I don't want this turning into a circus."

"Fine, have it your way. You'll do what you want anyway."

Kate didn't like where this looked like it was going and interceded. "It's not a done deal yet anyway. I'm going to have to get this cleared with my superiors. Barely a week has passed since I was specifically told to keep my personal life and my professional life separate and under control. The department isn't looking to make their detectives into celebrities."

"They didn't seem to have a problem with it when they let Rick shadow you." Paula offered.

"There's been a change in management. Trust me, if he walked in there today looking for inspiration for a new book, it would be a different story. The new Captain barely puts up with those of us who actually are paid to work there. She's only marginally tolerating him."

"Not a problem. I'm sure it will all work out. You get the needed clearance or whatever else you need, and I'll start planning the event!"

XXXXXXXXXXX

The next morning when Kate got to the bullpen, she decided to go directly to Gates instead of letting this situation drag out any longer. She was sure that the Captain would quickly veto the idea, freeing her and Castle from all obligation and then allowing him more leverage to pressure Paula into handling the situation in a more mundane fashion.

She watched carefully from her desk until she saw that Gates was alone and off the phone. As soon as the opportunity presented itself, she stood, squared her shoulders and headed to the office door.

Before she could even step away from her desk, the sound of the elevator arriving on the floor and opening, caught her attention. Rick sauntered out.

Kate caught his eye and waved for him to join her. After all, this concerned him too.

Beckett knocked on Gates' door and waited patiently to be waved in.

"Captain, do you have a few minutes? We'd like to have a brief talk with you if possible."

"I have about ten minutes. Have a seat."

Both did, and Captain Gates removed her glasses and placed the file she was reviewing on her desk. "What can I do you for Detective?

"Well Sir, we wanted to talk to you about the possibility of our relationship causing press."

"What have you two done?"

"Nothing! Nothing at all. In fact we've been in contact with Castle's publicist to help arrange ways of guaranteeing that our relationship, especially anything that might interfere with our job, stays out of the papers. We are all quite aware of the consequences that could transpire if the press leaked a lead or something. She believes that most likely, short of anything completely scandalous, the press will be willing to work with us, if for no other reason but so as to stay in the NYPD's good graces."

"That's a relief," Gates answered.

Beckett and Castle shared a quick look, and then Rick picked up the conversation.

"That it is. But there's more. My publicist, Ms. Haas, also believes that the best defense in situations like this, is a good offense. She has suggested that we should consider making a public appearance together, perhaps at one of my book functions, so that we can let any fans or potential press see that we are together and not trying to hide anything. That there's nothing shady or controversial about our relationship. That we're happy and stable and still maintaining a functional work relationship, in addition to a healthy romantic one."

"In other words, take all the sensationalism out of the equation?"

"Exactly!" he confirmed.

"I have to say that I agree with Paula on this one."

"Did you just say Paula?"

"Yes, that's her name isn't it?"

"It is, but I didn't recall calling her by her first name."

"You didn't. But when she called me last night, that's what she asked me to call her."

"Paula called you?" Kate practically squeaked out.

"She did. And right behind your backs. I find the entire thing rather ironic. Don't you Mr. Castle? It's rather like having the mayor on speed dial, wouldn't you say?" Gates raised her eyebrow at Rick waiting to see if he'd answer her rhetorical question. He only fidgeted awkwardly.

"Yes, Paula and I had a long talk last night about policy and the benefits of good press verses the devastation of bad press. She's very bright and attuned to whats going on here."

Kate found her voice again after the shock started to ware off. "So you told her then that it would be a bad idea to do the book signing?"

"On the contrary! I told her I gave my full backing. Up to this point, the press you two have brought to our department has only served to bring a greater interest in what we're doing here. Do you know that since the first Nikki Heat book came out, donations to the force through fund raisers and gifts has increased by 20%? And academy enrollment by 46%! I only recently became aware of that myself, and I must admit to being surprised. But the numbers don't lie. People seem to really respect and relate to Nikki. They want more of that. And I can't say I blame them. Ms. Heat is a fascinating character. So as long as the news is good news, carry on!"

"You've read my books!" Rick asked at the same time Kate asked, "Are you serious?"

She answered them both respectively. "I have and I am. This doesn't mean you've charmed me though, Mr. Castle. I know that you try, but I still have a serious job to do here. There's no room for me to be swayed by a handsome face and suave confidence. You are not one of my officers and as long as you remember your place here, we can work this out, but if you ever think you're not inclined to subordination, then we'll have serious issues."

"Understood."

"So yes, I hope to hear great things come out of this event. Now if you excuse me, I have a meeting I must get to."

Dismissed, both left the office slightly stunned.

"I can't believe she OKed it." Kate muttered as she headed to her desk.

"I can't believe she called me handsome and suave!" Castle replied.

XXXXXXXXXXX

When the morning of the book signing rolled around, Kate wanted nothing more than to stay in bed until the day was over. When the alarm went off she smacked it, hard. When Rick tried to wake her with little kisses along her neck, she rolled over. When he pulled open the curtain and flipped on the lights, she buried her head under the pillow.

"Come on Kate! Wakey wakey!" he called in a sing song voice. "It's not going to be that bad, I promise. I bet the worst things that will happen are that your cheeks will ache from smiling and your hand will cramp from signing your name."

"I don't wanna go!" her muffled voice replied.

"Too bad, we've already agreed to it. Now if you want to have time to get ready, you need to get up."

"No."

"Fine, then I'll get you up."

At first Kate had no idea what he meant by that, but she braced herself for the worst.

First, he pulled the sheet and comforter off the bed, letting the chilly morning air bring goosebumps to the exposed skin of her arms and legs. Still she refused to move.

Then he flipped through his ipod which was resting in his stereo dock and found his Weird Al music, which she hated, and turned it up full blast.

When she still didn't budge, he resorted to physically removing her from the bed. He took one of her ankles in each hand and slowly began to pull her across the bed until so much of her body was suspended in the air that she only had two choices, stand up or fall. She wiggled her feet free and carefully brought them to the floor.

"Good morning Sleeping Beauty!" he said before kissing her nose.

"You are obnoxious."

"Oh, if you think that's bad, talk to Alexis. In third grade she hated her teacher, Mrs. Winter, so everyday was a battle to get her up and out the door. Just be glad I didn't rub ice cubes on your feet."

"If you EVER do that, I swear I will get my revenge ten fold. You'll wish that your feet were the only things that got iced."

"Oooooh! You torturing me with ice cubes! Sexy!"

"You wouldn't be saying that for long, I assure you."

"Awwww, but where's the fun in that?"

"That's the point!"

"Well never mind all that now. Right now we need to start getting ready."

"There's no way I can get out of this?"

"No."

"You owe me, Castle!"

"I'll make it up to you in sexual favors. Feel free to collect at any time."

Kate playfully smacked his bare chest with the back of her hand and wondered toward the bathroom, undressing as she went. When she turned to close the door, she looked back at him and smiled coyly.

"Well today shouldn't be a total downer. If you want to join me, you can start working off your debt."

Rick needed no other encouragement and was soon paying his delightfully wicked penance.

XXXXXXXXXXX

When they arrived at the giant book store, Kate was overwhelmed by the crowd lined up, waiting for a chance to meet them.

People of all ages, races, and walks of life called to them asking them both for autographs and reached out to shake their hands. Rick, a master of shmoozing and playing the part of the gracious celebrity, shook a hand here or there, and paused for a couple pictures that he gently pulled her into. She tried to follow his lead, but was decidedly awkward about the entire thing.

As soon as Paula saw them, she whisked them away from the adoring fans to a small employee break room.

"Great, glad to see you're on time. You're a good influence on him, Kate. He's almost never on time to these things," she commented.

Away from the crowd, Kate's head began to clear. "How come there are so many people here? I thought you said that there were only sixty reserved tickets."

"There were only sixty tickets offered, which were scooped up almost immediately. But those are only for seats for the reading and the opportunity to have a question submitted for the Q&A. It also gives VIP status for the book signing, meaning ticket holders will be at the front of the line and can have a picture taken with you guys. Everyone else is here because they didn't get a ticket. They'll be able to watch the reading and Q&A from behind the seated area, and will only get autographs on a first come first serve basis. I'd say that there's more than two hundred people in line already, and it doesn't start for another half hour. That's why we had to do the event here at Page Turners. It's one of only two stores in the city big enough to handle an event of this scale. Without their conference room this wouldn't work."

"Oh my gosh. I had no idea!"

Rick wrapped his arm around Kate's waist and tugged her against his side. "This is one of the largest public events I've had."

"I've seen a couple of your private events and a couple book signings but it was never like this."

He shrugged. "One, it's a different type of signing, but two they've never got to meet Nikki Heat before."

"I am NOT Nikki Heat." Kate retorted adamantly.

"Today you are!" Paula chimed in.

"No!" he countered and turned so that he and Kate were face to face. "You are not Nikki. Not even today. You are Katherine Beckett, detective, girlfriend, muse, and the basis for a beloved literary character. Just try to relax and be yourself. They'll love you. How could they not?"

For the next twenty minutes, Paula, and Gina when she arrived, went through the final rundown of events, skimming over the day as if it were scripted. Kate tried to give her entire focus to what they were saying, but she was too distracted and nervous to fully comprehend everything that was being said.

After they seemed to have said their fill, Gina turned to Kate and handed her a mirror. "Here, you look great, but this is your last chance if you want to freshen up."

Kate was satisfied by her appearance, but noticed that Paula was fixing Rick's hair and smoothing the lapels of his jacket. A flash of jealousy must have crossed her face, cuz Gina leaned in toward her and whispered. "Don't worry she's harmless. He only has eyes for you."

Before she could comment, Paula clapped her hands. "Alright folks, it's show time. Lets get ourselves out there and tackle this beast!"

Gina patted Kate's shoulder and nodded at her encouragingly. Then Rick stepped forward and reached for her hand.

The next thing she knew, she and Rick were following Gina and Paula out to a small stage where a podium stood on one side and and table with two chairs and two microphones, sat center. The sound of polite cheering and excited applause roared in her ears. Rick led her to the table and held her chair for her before taking his seat next to her.

Thankfully the cloth covering the table was floor length, so no one other than her knew that he quickly found her thigh with his strong hand, giving her a supportive squeeze.

Paula brought over a pitcher of water and two glasses, which she added to the table, along with a copy of Heat Rises which had an obtrusive red bookmark sticking out from its pages.

Kate found herself scrambling to try to remember the passage that Gina had mentioned that they would be reading, but came up short. Thinking over the story, Kate felt panic begin to rise. There were things in that book she knew she just could not read aloud to a room full of strangers.

She didn't have much time to worry about it though, because Gina stepped up to the mic at the podium and began welcoming the guests and introducing her and Rick. The entire thing was completely surreal.

"We'll be starting our afternoon off with a question and answer session," the pretty blonde woman announced. When registering, all of our ticket holders had a chance to submit a questions for our favorite couple. We've selected a few that Kate and Rick here will be answering. If we've selected yours, I believe you've already been notified, and Jerry here," she indicated a young employee off to the side, "will bring a microphone to you when it's your turn. So if we're ready, we'll begin."

The first couple questions were very tame and completely professional in nature, which put Kate at ease. To Rick, "As a fan of the Nikki Heat series, I hope to read many more books in the future. Do you have plans for future books and if so, how many more do you you hope to put out?". And to Kate, "Does having a civilian shadowing you on cases ever interfere with your job, or is Mr. Castle an asset?".

It was the third question, directed to each of them individually that was the first one that shook her a little.

"When you guys first met, what was your first impression of each other? Was it love at first sight or did that develop over time?"

Castle answered first, thankfully. "Well I don't know that I would call it love at first sight, at least for me, but I have to admit to being smitten. The first time we met, Detective Beckett came to me because there was a case that involved murders that mimicked some that I'd written in my books. The case certainly intrigued me, but not as much as the smart, sassy, beautiful cop. I'd never met anyone like her before. After just a few days working with her, I knew that killing of Derek Storm was the best thing I'd ever done, because I'd just met the inspiration for my new character. When I got clearance to shadow her, I was definitely attracted, but it took time for the deeper emotions to follow. I can't speak for Kate, but I had a lot to learn and get past before I could love and be loved the way I wanted, and thankfully she was willing to put up with me for many years while I made that journey."

Several women in the audience awwwwwed, and Kate silently commiserated with them. She knew their story, their past, but still his words melted her heart all over again.

"What about you Kate?" Gina asked from the podium, pulling her from her warm revery.

"Um, uh..." she stammered at first. But then she thought back over the years and just began talking. "Actually, Rick here, pretty much nailed it. There was certainly chemistry from day one, but it took a lot of time to get us where we are."

Kate glance at him and smiled gently. "We both had a lot of growing to do and obstacles to overcome, but he's as persistent as he claims I am patient, and we've come a long way."

Feeling emboldened, she turned back to the sea of faces watching them. "But he is wrong about one thing, and he probably doesn't even know it."

Rick furrowed his brow and tilted his head.

"I'm sure he doesn't remember, but the day I brought him in for questioning was not the first time we'd met. Several years earlier, I stood in a line, much like the one many of you stood in today, to have him sign his newly released book, "Gathering Storm"."

He totally cut her off, "You did! Why didn't you ever tell me? I KNEW you were a closet Castle fan! I knew it!"

Before he could gloat any longer, she finished her story.

"Anyway, as I was saying before I was interrupted. I was a was a fan and when I heard about the book signing, I went." Kate turned back to Rick and talked directly to him. "While you were signing my book, you apologized for the long line and thanked me for being willing to wait. I told you," Kate paused and blushed slightly before continuing. "I told you, it was worth it, if it meant meeting you. To which you replied, 'The feeling is mutual. Maybe if I'm very lucky, we'll meet again some day."

"I am so lucky."

"No, I'm the lucky one."

XXXXXXXXXXX

The Q&A continued for a while longer, and with Kate now relaxed, it wasn't nearly as painful as she thought it would be.

When the last question was answered, Gina introduced Paula, who announced that it was time for them to read the passage from Heat Rises.

Rick opened the book to where the bookmark held the page. Kate couldn't tell from where she was sitting, what was written on the page, but she saw that sections were highlighted. She remembered being told that Rick would read the blue part and then pass her the book to finish with the yellow section.

When Paula cued him to begin, she stepped off stage, leaving them alone in front. Kate noticed how many people had their cameras and phones held in the air, ready to record every moment, most likely to post across the internet. _How did Rick do this all the time?_

After introducing the story for anyone who wasn't familiar with it already, he began reading the excerpt with great emotion and inflection...

When they both decided they were hungry, she wondered aloud who was still delivering after midnight, but Rook was already at his suitcase fishing out a pair of sweatpants. "You're not going out," she said.

"10- 10 WINS said it's in minus temps to night."

He said nothing, just handed Nikki her robe and led her to the kitchen. He opened the door to the refrigerator and came out with a half dozen takeout trays.

"Rook, what did you do?"

"Hit SushiSamba on the way over." He set a container of each on the counter. "Let's see, got your Samba Park roll, your BoBo Brazil, your Green Envy . . . ," he paused to purr like a tiger, ". . . your tuna sashimi."

"Oh my God," said Nikki, "and you got yellowtail ceviche?"

"Do I know you? Margarita, señorita?"

"_Sí_." She laughed, remembering how long it had been since she'd done that.

Rook set the pitcher he had mixed on the tiles and, as he salted two glasses, said, "Consider the potential irony. Four weeks surviving nighttime jungle landings in the cargo bays of unmarked planes,

multiple detentions by corrupt border guards, getting roughed up in the trunk of some paranoid Colombian drug lord's El Dorado by his crackhead flunkies, only to be gunned down in my girlfriend's

apartment."

"No laugh, Rook, I was feeling jumpy. I think someone was following me tonight."

"Seriously? Did you see who?"

"No. And not a hundred percent sure about it."

"Yes, you are," he said. "Should you call Montrose?"

There was a time that's exactly what she would have done. Detective Heat would have let her captain know and then vehemently declined his offer to park a cruiser out front (which he would have done anyway, ignoring her protests). It wasn't the uncertainty about the tail that stopped her, though. It was the uncertainty in the face of him questioning her judgment and leadership. Plus her own awkwardness

dealing with the captain with so many suspicions swirling.

"No," she said. "It's too weird with Montrose now. Kind of tense."

"With Montrose? And you? What's going on?"

The day had been such a grind, and this respite was such a welcome oasis, she said, "Way too much to get into now. I'm not shutting you out, but can we leave it until tomorrow?"

"Absolutely." He held up his glass. "To reunions."

They clinked _salut _and sipped. The taste of a margarita would always remind her of the first night they had sex in the summer heatwave. "Hope you learned your lesson about sneaking in here without

a heads- up."

"You gave me a key. And what kind of surprise would that make, if I called?"

"The surprise would have been yours if I'd had company."

He served the food, placing the cut rolls of sushi on her plate and then his with chopsticks. "You're right. That would have surprised me."

"What?" she said, "You mean, surprised if I had been with someone?"

"You wouldn't be."

"I sure could."

"Could, yes. Would? No. That's not who you are, Nikki Heat."

As he read, the story flooded into Kate's brain, she knew this scene was filled with sexual tension and banter. She also knew that Rick had been talking directly to her through subtext in this section. She didn't relish reading that in front of hundreds of strangers.

When he finished his section, he handed her the book and then took a drink from his glass.

She looked down at the page, to the yellowed section that everyone was waiting to hear. She bit her lip nervously, then licked it quickly, hoping to defeat the dryness that threatened to overcome her mouth.

She looked up from the book, first toward the people facing her, and then to Rick who was silently coaching her with his eyes.

_What the hell_, she thought before finally beginning to read. This certainly wasn't the worst thing she'd ever come up against. She could do this. Surprisingly, her voice was clear and strong even from her very first word, and soon was enjoying making the story come to life.

"A little presumptuous." She ate some of the ceviche, and as she tasted the citrus and cilantro, relishing how it made the fish even fresher, Nikki reflected on how close she had come to bringing Don home with her that night. "And how do you know that's not who I am, Jameson Rook?"

"It's not about knowing. You can never really know someone. It's really about trust."

"Curious. We've never really defined our . . ."

". . . Exclusivity?" he said, finishing for her.

She nodded, "Yeah, that. And yet you trust me?" He chewed a Green Envy and nodded back. "And what about you, Rook, am I supposed to trust you?"

"You already do."

"I see. And how far does this trust extend?" she asked, chopsticking a dab of wasabi for her next victim. "What about travel? What's it called? The Hundred Mile Rule?"

"You mean the one that says you can do whatever— meaning whoever— you want if you're more than a hundred miles away? The variation on the 'What Happens in Vegas' Rule?"

"That's the one," she said.

"Since you brought it up, the places I've been, situations do present themselves. Do they ever. And yes, I absolutely subscribe to the Hundred Mile Rule." She set her chopsticks on the side of her plate, parallel to each other, and studied him. He continued, "But here's the thing. According to Rook's Rule, no matter where I am in the world, a hundred miles or a thousand, Mile Zero starts here." He poked two fingers on his chest.

Nikki thought a moment, then picked up a piece of sushi with her fingers. "When I finish this Samba roll? I want you to pretend Mile Zero is a beach in Fiji. . . . And we're on it alone." She popped it in her

mouth in one bite and flicked her eyebrows at him while she chewed.

Kate closed the book when she finished, trying to hide the faint blush coloring her cheeks, and smiled at the applause that filled the room.

Rick moved his arm to wrap around her shoulders and pressed a kiss to her lips, which only made the crowd go wilder. She knew without a doubt that the kiss was entirely for her and not at all for show. She returned the kiss before they broke apart.

So this is what life with Richard Castle was going to be like? Not something she would ever have chosen for herself, but something she could get used to.

XXXXXXXXXX

The rest of the afternoon passed quickly. Rick had been right, her cheeks ached and her hand grew sore as they met their guests and signed hundreds of books, but otherwise everything went great. The fans were all very nice and seemed genuinely happy for them. Several even commented on how they felt like they could relate to her, another Castle fan.

By the time they headed home, Kate had a new respect for the man she loved. Everyday he went out of his way to make others happy and almost always without complaint. It was a far cry from what they did at her job.

That night as they lay in bed together, she thanked him for not letting her get out of their commitments. It wasn't something she wanted to do often but she was glad she got to be a part of what he does.

He didn't answer, but instead rolled them over so that his body rested on hers, and kissed her until the only thing she could think about anymore was them in that very moment.

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: Happy New Year! I hope you've all had a wonderful time, since the last post. I know I have.**

**Thank you for all the holiday well wishes on here and on Twitter and PMs and elsewhere. For the most part I was away from my computer, but I did get them and wanted to let you know! You are fabulous!**

**This was along chapter, so I'm not going to keep you any longer, but thank for all your continuing feedback, both for Brickwork but also for some of my older fics. I love that you're going back and finding them after all this time.**

**And finally, as a disclaimer, I in no way claim ownership to Heat Rises. I did not write it and am in no way associated with it, just like with the rest of Castle... I just borrow them! **

**Have a wonderful day!**

**DeBo81**


	19. Chapter 19

**Highlights from Chapter 18:**

***Kate journaled her perspective of Ryan's wedding and her and Rick sleeping together for the first time**

***Kate and Rick meet with Paula and Gina who suggested that they should do a book signing and Q & A as a couple**

***Gates surprises them by supporting the publicity event**

***After trying to avoid the event, Kate comes to terms with it and even begins to get in to it. She shares with Rick and the crowd that the first time they met, she was a fan.**

***After seeing every aspect of her job for more than 3 years, she sees, really sees, what it's like to walk a day in Castle's shoes, and gains a new appreciation for him.**

Chapter 19

"I've actually been doing really well. I feel more alive, and happier than I have in... well in years. My situation at work has improved. My relationship with Captain Gates is going better than I imagined it ever would be. I'm great."

"That's excellent." Dr. Burke answered with a hint of a smile teetering on the edge of his mouth. "What about PTSD episodes? Any anxiety? Dreams? Hyper-awareness?"

"No, not really. I still have nightmares on occasion; it comes with the job. But nothing panic inducing. And lately Rick's been with me most nights, so the few times I do wake up from a dream, I can talk with him and even if its not out of my head, I feel better."

"Many people find themselves going through these situations feeling alone, even when surrounded by close loved ones. It's good that you've found someone who you can confide in and trust during the moments when you feel your control slipping."

"I think part of why he can keep me grounded, or brings me back down or just makes me feel better by letting me get it all out, is because he's been there for so much of it. It's not just my personal horror, its _our_ reality."

"That's not uncommon. With PTSD, victims of similar violent crimes, members of the same military units, survivors of the same tragedies, even if they're strangers, often are able to help their peers more than friends or family members who can not relate to the situation."

Kate chewed on her bottom lip while the doctor spoke. Event though she and Rick had different perspectives, she didn't ever have to explain to him why she was afraid, or what haunted her. He just knew.

"I just wish that I could be there for him like he's always been there for me."

"Is he struggling with some of the same issues?"

"No. He had nightmares for a while, but it's probably been a couple months. At least to my knowledge. He's been able to cope. I just feel like because of all he does, he's holding up more than his share of the relationship."

"Relationships, much like the rest of life, fluctuate between highs and lows. I'm sure there will be times when you have to be the strong one. There will likely be times when you're both strong or both down as well."

"I'm sure there probably will be, but it would be nice to just get one of those happily ever afters like in the fairy tales.

XXXXXXXXXXX

After her appointment was over, Kate stepped out into the busy rush of the crowded street. The unseasonably warm weather had brought everyone out of hibernation today.

_I thought March was supposed to come in like a lion not a lamb_, she thought to herself as she fished in her pocket for her phone.

Without even looking at the keyboard, she pushed and held the number 3, triggering the speed dial to call Rick.

On the fourth ring, he answered. "Hey!"

"Hey to you too."

"What's up?"

"Not much, you asked me to call when I left Dr. Burke's so we could make plans for lunch."

"Oh yeah. I'm sorry I forgot. What time is it?"

She checked her phone quickly. "Just after eleven. Are you even hungry yet?"

"I will be. I didn't really eat anything yet."

"Don't tell me you just woke up."

"No. I've been up. I've just been really preoccupied."

A bicycle messenger sped by Kate, almost hitting her, and causing her to curse quietly under her breath before continuing her conversation.

"Are you writing? Gina will thrilled."

"No, not today."

For the first time, she realized that Rick sounded a little off. Something was wrong. She dropped her voice so no one around her would hear. "Is it something about my case?"

"No. I told you I'd let you know about that if there was anything newsworthy." He paused as if he wanted to say more but didn't.

Kate silently waited him out, knowing that sooner or later he'd speak again.

"It's um, something personal."

_OK, what's that supposed to mean_, she asked in her head. She was starting to get nervous.

"You want to talk about it?"

He didn't reply immediately, but when he did, he sounded confident.

"Yeah, just not over the phone. I want to show you something and get your opinion."

"OK." She really didn't know what else to say. A thousand scenarios raced through her mind but with him saying so little she had no idea what to even consider eliminating.

"If we have lunch somewhere private, we can talk then," he suggested.

"Do you want me to just bring something over?"

"Nah, Alexis has a half day today and will be home soon. I don't want her to know about this, at least for a while."

A knot formed in Kate's belly. _Maybe this has something to do with Meredith. It's not like she could be asking for custody or anything though, Alexis is already 18. Maybe Meredith is sick. Maybe Rick is sick. Maybe..._

Kate closed off her mind before it could go any farther. She shouldn't worry, yet. She had nothing to worry about... yet.

"Um, well the weather is beautiful. Its got to be close to seventy five out here. What if I grabbed some sandwiches and salad and we meet in the park? We can find somewhere secluded and talk."

"Sounds good, I can be there in like twenty five minutes. You wouldn't happen to be passing Fogarty's on your way would you?"

"I think I could be persuaded. You have something in mind?"

"I'd love a prime rib hero with arugula, roasted tomatoes and garlic white cheddar."

"No problem, and to drink?"

"A bottle of their orange creamsicle soda."

"It sounds like you're having a rough day. I think you deserve it."

"I love you!"

"Love you too. See you soon."

XXXXXXXXXXX

A half hour later, Kate armed with a large box of food, spotted Rick on a park bench, near their usual meeting place. He was hunched over, reading a paper, and never noticed her approach.

She sat down and scooted next to him. "Hey stranger. I've got all this food and no one to share it with. Care to join me?"

He looked up, pocketed the paper and smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I think I could be persuaded. You're awfully beautiful to be alone. You sure you don't have a husband or boyfriend who's going to come after me in a jealous rage?"

"Nope. You're safe."

"Well then it's good you came a long. I have this picnic blanket and no picnic to have on it."

Rick stood, threw the blanket over his shoulder, lifted their lunch from her lap, and offered his free hand, which she happily took. Hand in hand, they meandered down the path in silence, just enjoying the warm sun, the fresh damp scent of approaching spring and each other.

Eventually they left the path and found an open area with almost no one around. Kate took the blanket and spread it over the grass.

During their meal, they talked about the weather, the kids playing near by, her appointment, and a book that Kate had just begun reading, but they both skirted around the one topic that covered them like a shadow.

When everything was done and put away, Kate stretched out her legs and tipped back her face to absorb the heat of the day. Rick laid down on his back, rested his head in her lap and closed his eyes. He still didn't speak and she could respect that. She knew he was working things out in his head. She was anxious but he would tell her in his time. She ran her fingers through his hair, brushing the wisps that feathered his forehead.

She could feel him relaxing the more he laid there, and wondered if perhaps he was falling asleep, when he reached into his pocket. Without opening his eyes, or otherwise moving, he handed her a paper that she could tell had been repeatedly folded and unfolded.

"This came in the mail this morning," was the only thing he said.

After adjusting herself into more of a sitting position, she carefully opened the sheet, mentally preparing for what she might read.

It was a hand written letter. The script was tiny but meticulously neat. Her eyes darted first to the signature to see who it was from. Nick Weston. Not a name she recognized, so she returned to the header. "To my dearest Richard", it began.

A wave of nausea attacked Kate's full belly. Several scenarios that she'd already envisioned disappeared as several more formed. She shot a brief glance down at Rick who still lay calmly in her lap. He hadn't flinched, so she continued to read.

I know you don't know me; I doubt that you even know of me, and I blame no one for that, other than myself. I understand why that is the situation, and for all intents and purposes, it is probably best for everyone involved.

My name is Nicholas Alexander Weston. Although, if you've ever heard of me, it was likely under the name Nick Hartmann. I'm 78 years old and at least for time being, living in Edison, New Jersey. I am your father.

Kate's jaw literally dropped open. She had imagined a multitude of possibilities concerning the page in her hand, but NONE of them had been this. She now understood why Rick was so distracted.

I'm sure that right now, if you haven't already used this as fire starter, you're asking a million questions. I want to try and answer them as best as I can.

If you're wondering why I've been no more than a ghost in your life for over forty years, it's as simple and complex as this, I am not a good man, and I promised your mother I would stay away. I can and will tell you this though, I stayed away not out of cowardice or fear but out of love, despite the fact that I've given you no reason to believe that.

My father didn't show up much in my life but when he did, he reminded me of all that was wrong in the world, and I couldn't do that to you too. I wanted better for you and the only way I could give you a better life was to never exist in it.

When your mother and I met, it was love at first sight. Within a month we were married and two months later we were expecting you. Those months are still the best months of my entire life. I was clean and sober and trying to be the man I always wanted to be, but before long, my true nature slipped back in. By the time you were born my past had caught up with me, dragging me down with it. I know now that I should have been the man you and Martha needed me to be, but instead I let it control me.

The night you were born I was getting high in a crack house. The day your mother brought you home, I gambled away our meager savings. And the day you were christened, I was almost late because the whore I'd been with the night before, robbed me blind. The last time I saw either one of you, you were less than a month old. On windy nights, wherever I am; I still can hear the sound of the wind harmonizing with your infant cries and your mother's sobs, as she took you into the night.

I wish I could say that was when I hit rock bottom. I wish I could say that I tried to get my life back together and prove that I could be the husband and father I wanted to be. But I can't. I did what I've always done, run from my troubles, lie, cheat and steal to get what I wanted and use people for my own gain without thinking about how it effected them.

Because of these mistakes I've made, I've hurt more people than I can count. And sadly, I've left more than one child fatherless because of it. You should know that you have a half brother in California. His name is Scott Westman (as you may have noticed by now, I've lived under many a name in my day). I was in his life longer than I was in yours, so he knows me and will have nothing to do with me. I know he's married and has children of his own. I tell you this, because you deserve to know you have relatives, even if they've never been family.

I would like to tell you more about you past, your history, at least what I know, but I promised your mother I would never come back and find you guys. And I'm trying to keep that promise, because its the only one I've never broken. I have never set foot in New York State since the day I left, just days after your mom and you moved out. And even though I'm contacting you now, I still will never go back.

So take this letter and do with it what you will. Burn it, shred it, keep it for posterity, whatever you choose, I understand. I never really expect to hear back from you. But if for some reason you decide you want to contact me, my old heart with swell with joy. You can find me, at least for the time being, in Glendale Senior living. I can't promise I will be here long, but each day that I am, I will spend it hoping to hear your voice.

With warmest regards and well wishes,

Nick Weston

Kate was flabbergasted.

Rick must have felt her body react or else just sensed that she was done reading, because he simply stated. "Shocked me too."

"Oh my god, Rick! What are you going to do? Do you think this is for real?"

"I have no idea. I kinda think it is real, but even then, I don't know to what extent. If this guy is my father and he's even half telling the truth, he's told me straight out that he can't be trusted."

"Are you going to ask Martha?"

"No. I can't do that to her. If it's a scam, I don't want to stir the pot for no reason. If he's for real, then he's an asshole and I don't want to bring him back into her life."

"But she could answer your questions."

Rick shrugged and sat up so that he could face her. "Maybe, maybe not."

They were both lost in their own silent thoughts for a long time before Kate spoke again. "You want me to run him through the system, see what I can find?"

He didn't answer, he just stared off at a fluffy white cloud floating through the clear blue sky.

"I don't know that I want to know anything. I may just destroy it and go on, none the wiser."

"You, Rick Castle, walk away from an unsolved mystery? I know you don't talk about him much but I know you've wondered about your father for years. Not knowing has weighed you down, whether you admit it or not. The truth could finally set you free."

"Well if we're trading cliches here, maybe I prefer ignorance is bliss."

Kate reached across and rested her hand on his. "Is that what forty years of not knowing has brought you? Bliss?"

"No, it's brought me nothing but more questions. But I live with that and it's fine. I can live another forty or fifty years with those questions."

She didn't want to push him, but was genuinely surprised by his reaction._ He's never shown any hesitation searching through her past or anyone else's, but now that it's his, he's scared._ It briefly occurred to her that she could investigate this guy on her own, like he investigated her mom's murder after she asked him not to, but didn't know if she could do that to him. It was better to respect his wishes.

XXXXXXXXXXX

That night was one of the few times in the last several weeks that they slept at their own homes, but Rick was restless and wanted to be alone. Kate didn't like it, but understood and gave him his space.

When she went to bed she tossed and turned for an hour before her brain slowed enough to let her fall asleep.

At some point in the dead of night, a sound startled Kate awake. It sounded like someone was in her living room.

Immediately, her training kicked in, and with listening ears and stealth-like movements, she pushed off the covers and removed her service piece from her night stand. With her weapon raised and ready, silent footfall after silent footfall brought her closer to her doorway.

The sound of glass shattering, propelled Kate into action. She swung open the door, yelling, "Police! Hands up!"

The shadowy figure in the kitchen quickly raised his hands but in doing so, dropped whatever he was holding, causing more glass to break.

"Doan shoost me Kaaaaate! I looooooove yooooooooooou! Rick slurred.

She flipped on the light next to her only to find her boyfriend standing barefoot in the middle of her kitchen, surrounded by glass shards, wearing only his open bathrobe and jeans.

"What the hell is going on?" She demanded, her heart and adrenaline both still racing.

"I wanted to come see you, and I thought you might want a drink."

He started to take a step forward, but Kate was thinking fast and ordered him to stop. "Stay where you are or you're going to cut your feet to shreds."

After ten minutes, the glass from two of her wine goblets was cleared away and Rick was slouched on the couch, apologizing profusely. Obviously the wine he had been attempting to pour wasn't the first drink he'd had that night.

"Don't worry about it now. It's nothing."

"I'll buy you new ones, I swear. Hand cut crystal ones. From Austria. Go get dressed, I'll take you there now and you can pick out whatever you like."

"We are not going to Austria right now to pick out wine glasses."

"But I bet they're sooooo nice."

"I'm sure they're fantastic, but I don't need to you to go get any," she answered as she joined him.

"Maybe we can get some later?"

"Maybe."

"Or maybe..." He dropped his voice to an exaggerated whisper which was punctuated with the scent of expensive whiskey, "We could register for them when we get married."

Even through his inebriated ranting, the statement caused something in Kate's belly to flip flop.

"Rick, enough talk about glasses. How did you get here? You didn't drive did you?"

"Noooooooooooooooooooo!" he swung his head violently back and forth, "I'm drunk not stupid. I had my driver bring me."

Well at least that much was a relief.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"About the ride over? It was fine, although it would have been more fun with you in the back seat with me. You're such a sex kitten!"

She had to take a deep breath before she could talk again. Kate grabbed Rick's hands, which were currently trying to lift the edge of her top, and squeezed them tightly, bringing his focus back to her eyes.

"No Rick. Do you want to talk about what's bothering you?"

Pained confusion clouded his eyes and wrinkled his brow.

"About the the letter you got? About possibly finding out about your dad?"

Rick's features morphed from pain to anger in the blink of an eye.

"He's not my dad!" he shouted and pulled back as if he'd been slapped. "He may have been the sperm donor, but he's no father! Dads check for monsters under the bed, kiss your scraped up knees and teach you how to play catch! They tell their sons about girls and dance with their daughters who step on their feet. Dads give big bear hugs, help their kids with their homework and teach them how to drive! I am a father! I am a DAD, Kate! I would do anything for my child because I love her with every fiber of my being. He, whoever he is, whether he be Nick Weston or some other random face on this earth is NOT my dad! I HAVE NO DAD."

A solitary tear leaked from the corner of his glassy eyes and rolled over his stubbled cheek.

Kate's heart broke for Rick. She opened her arms to him and he collapsed into her embrace.

So many times in the years she's known him, she'd seen the playful, mischievous, antagonizing part of him that she'd labeled as his inner child. But now, in her arms was a totally different side to that same little boy at the center of Richard Castle. The little boy who longed for his father to love him.

Her own tears now dripped from her cheeks while his tears dampened her shirt. She felt completely helpless. What could she say or do? There was nothing that could undo the years of buried pain he was finally coming to terms with. So she did the only thing she could do, hold him and be there for him. Reminding him that he wasn't alone.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate opened her sore, puffy eyes, only to be blinded by the late morning sunlight coming through her living room window. Her phone was ringing in her room, but she couldn't get up to get it. Rick was sound asleep and covering most of her body with his. When the ringing stopped, it paused only momentarily before beginning again. Someone was trying their hardest to track her down.

Using all her available strength, she pushed Rick up to an almost sitting position, allowing her to slip out before he slumped back down against the cushions.

She reached the phone just before she knew it would go to voice mail. In the same moment she pushed the talk button, she briefly spotted the caller ID. It was Alexis.

"Alexis?" Kate asked by way of greeting.

"Kate! Thank God you answered! I've been try to get a hold of you for a half hour. Do you know where my Dad is?"

The panic in the teen's voice was quite evident, making Kate feel sick with guilt.

"He's here, Honey. Didn't he leave you guys a note or anything?"

"No, this morning when we came downstairs, he was gone. We found his phone and wallet in his room, and there was an empty whiskey bottle on the floor of his office, but we had no idea where he went. I tried you first but there was no answer, so then I tried the precinct. I talked to Ryan and he said he hadn't seen either of you since Wednesday. He said he'd have one of you call me when you came in, but I was just so scared. Gram was about to call the car to go out looking for him."

"He's fine. He's here. He just had a rough night. I wish he would have let you know. I'm so sorry. I never even heard the phone before right now."

"It's not your fault. I'm just glad he's OK."

"He is, and I'll have him call you when he wakes up OK?"

"Yeah, thanks. I need to go tell Gram I've found him."

"Alright, talk to you later."

"K, cya."

When Kate disconnected from the call, her missed calls list and voice mail alerts popped up. In the last hour, she'd missed five calls from Alexis, one from Martha, three from Ryan, one from Esposito, two from Lanie and one from Gates.

_How in the world did I sleep through all that?_

Next, she looked at the time. It was after ten. No wonder people were hunting her down. Not only was Castle MIA, but she should have been at work more than two earlier.

Just as she was about to call in to the station, someone began loudly pounding on her front door.

"Beckett, you in there?" Ryan's voice yelled.

"I'm coming!" she called and grabbed her robe.

All the noise was enough to finally wake Castle.

"You might wanna close your robe, we have company," Kate whispered as she headed to the door.

Cinching her own robe shut before answering, she braced herself for what she knew was coming next.

"I am soooo sorry!" she said as soon as she opened the door.

Ryan and Esposito both stood in the hall sporting matching looks of relief and annoyance.

Javier didn't wait for an invitation and just walked in. Ryan hung back momentarily until she nodded him in.

"Why the hell aren't you at work? And why haven't you answered you damn phones!" Esposito asked. "You've scared the shit out of Alexis and Martha, pissed of Gates and made us trek across town to check on your lazy asses."

Beckett noticed that he didn't mention anything about upsetting them, but knew from his posture and language how deeply their mysterious absence had effected them too.

"Like I said, I'm sorry. I never heard the phone. It was in my room and we fell asleep out here. Castle apparently left his phone at home."

Esposito turned to the still groggy Castle. "Well next time you head off for a midnight booty call, take your crap with you."

He didn't bristle at the angry admonishment or even play it off with a joke. He just dropped his shoulders and quietly explained, "For your information, it wasn't a booty call. I've just been going through some stuff, and it all caught up with me. I got smashed and came over looking for help."

Esposito didn't looked convinced, but Ryan tilted his head, and asked, "What kinda help?"

Rick looked from Ryan to Esposito to her.

Kate didn't know exactly what help he was referring to either, but this situation wasn't any of the guys' business.

"Never mind what kind of help!" she told them, realizing that her defense would probably just add to their inquisitiveness.

Her snippy retort must of took Ryan by surprise because he whipped his head toward her, but he was wise enough not to let his curiosity show, much.

"No, it's fine Kate. Maybe they can help too." Castle returned his attention to Ryan. "Why don't you call in and let them know you found us, and if you don't have to race back out, have a seat."

XXXXXXXXXXX

By the time Rick had filled them in with what was going on, both guys had gone from annoyed to sympathetic.

"So I've decided, I can't NOT look into this. It could destroy me either way, but at least this way I'll know, and I can take the truth and go from there."

Kevin nodded. "How can we help?"

"I need to figure out who this guy is. Is he some psycho fan? An extortionist? Is he who he says he is?"

"Do you have the letter on you?" Kate asked. "Besides checking the database with all his known names, maybe we could lift some prints."

Again Kevin nodded. "It would be a long shot, but it couldn't hurt to try."

Castle pulled the now worn letter from his pocket and placed it in the Ziplock bag Kate had fetched for him.

"Bro, you mind if I let Lanie know? Maybe she can take the letter and get something from it in the lab."

"That's fine, but no one else. Even Mother and Alexis don't know. I want to keep them out of this at least until I know more."

"Understood." Kevin stood and reached for Rick's hand, gripping it tightly. "We're gonna help you get these answers man. And no matter what those answers are, we're here for you."

"I appreciate that. I really do."

XXXXXXXXXXX

The next evening the four friends stayed late in the bullpen, investigating the mystery of Rick's father.

Lanie had been able to lift two partial prints from the letter, other than Kate and Rick's, but not enough to run through the system.

Now the rest of them searched all known records for anyone matching any of Weston's known names. Police records, parking violations, foreclosure notifications and a bevy of other paper trails led a convoluted path across the US, under the names Nick Weston, Nick Westman, and Nick Hartmann. They also found several other known aliases, Nick Brodrick, Al Weston, Al Hartmann and Al Brodrick.

Under each name he had a variety of criminal behavior including, possession, soliciting an officer, assault and battery, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct, criminal mischief, public intoxication, petty theft, and fraud.

Most of the known charges were from twenty to fifty years earlier and had been either dropped or had time served. There was only a misdemeanor or two in the last twenty years. And remarkably, there appeared to be no warrant out for his arrest. Either he'd gotten much better at what he did or he'd cleaned up his act.

The most notable thing they found was that his birth name was actually Nicholas Wesley Alexander. He was born on November 14th, 1933 in New York City to a Constance Alexander. No father listed.

Also they found that Nick Hartmann had charges filed against him for public intoxication March 21, 1971, less than two weeks before Rick was born. So he was in the city at the time. This was the first evidence that they had to corroborate his claim to being his father.

Kate rolled her chair over to where Rick was sorting through old paperwork and files.

"How ya doing?"

"I dunno." He ran his hand across his tired eyes until he was pinching the bridge of his nose.

His mannerisms indicated to her that he was probably fighting off a killer headache.

"Do you think he's legit?"

"I guess, or as legit as he can be. I mean, what am I supposed to think about this guy? After all this time, he finally reaches out to me and can't even use his real name." Rick lamented.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate didn't ever remember seeing Rick like this. By Sunday morning he looked so haunted, that she was actually concerned for his health. She knew he hadn't eaten much, and at night he was only getting rest when he conceded and took a sleeping pill.

She was actually grateful that both Alexis and Martha were away for the weekend, and not having to watch the man they loved, who was usually so vibrant and full of life, sink into himself.

She held his hand which rested on the breakfast table, but he made no effort to return the gesture.  
>When she stroked his hand with her thumb, he looked up and attempted a smile, but it was so disheartening, she almost wished he hadn't looked up at all.<p>

_Damn that man for sending that letter. For bringing his misery and heartache into Rick's life. Why couldn't he just stay away like he always has?_ She had a hard time believing it was because he'd grown a heart or conscious. _He probably just wants money. He wants to take another piece away from his son, who he's never known._

The more she thought about the situation, the angrier she grew.

"Are you sure you want to do this Rick?"

"No, but I'm going to anyway."

"What if he's trying to use you?"

"I'm prepared for that, Kate."

"I'm just so worried about you. "

"I know you are and I appreciate your concern. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love, battle their demons and feel like you're helplessly standing by. If you don't want to come with me, I completely understand."

"I'm coming. I'm not letting you do this alone."

"You don't have to."

"But I want to, so don't try to stop me."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Around one 'clock, they pulled into the retirement center in Edison. It wasn't high end, by any means, but it appeared to be clean and well maintained.

They found a spot available in visitor parking and headed to the door.

Once inside, Kate looked around. To the left was an open, sunny lounge where people were resting, chatting, reading, knitting, watching TV and playing games. She appraised the small group of seniors, but nothing stuck out so she looked to the right and saw a small refreshment area where others were gathered.

Before she could assess anyone there, Rick nudged her and nodded toward a cheerful middle aged woman sitting at the front desk, welcoming the couple with a smile.

"Good afternoon folks, welcome to Glendale Senior Living. How can I help ya?"

Rick stepped up to the desk. "We're looking for Nick Weston."

The woman, who's badge said Lois, frowned and turned to her computer monitor. "Is Mr. Weston a resident or employee?"

"I believe a resident."

She tapped her keyboard rapidly.

"I'm sorry sir, we don't have a Mr. Weston listed."

Rick turned away frustrated, and ran his hand through his hair.

Kate whipped out her badge and showed it to the receptionist. "Ma'am, my name is Detective Kate Beckett with the NYPD. We're looking for Mr. Weston in association with a missing persons case. He may go by other names. Can you help me out or would you rather get your supervisor?"

Lois paled about four shades, before pulling herself together. "My boss, Mr. Beaumont is attending a funeral right now, but he should be back in an hour or so. Until then, I can look up the other names for you if that helps."

"That would be very helpful, thank you."

Kate produced the list of known names from her jacket pocket and gave it to the woman.

"Is this Mr. Weston a kidnapper?" Lois squeaked quietly.

Kate felt slightly guilty about scaring the woman, and fortunately Rick hadn't blown her bluff, making her look like a total ass. After all they _were_ looking for a person who had been notably missing for far too long. "Um no, ma'am, nothing like that. We would just like to ask him a few questions."

"I'm sorry Detective, we have no record of any of these names, and the only resident we currently have who's name is even similar is a Mr. Wesley N. Alexander."

"That's got to be him!" Rick interjected. "Can you tell me where to find him?"

Lois looked at her screen. I can tell you his room number, but I have no idea if he's..." When she looked up from the computer the words died on her lips.

"What is it?" Kate asked, trying to keep her voice quiet and calm.

"I believe it's your lucky day, Detective. There's Mr. Alexander right there."

Both Rick and Kate moved their gazes simultaneously toward the doorway of the refreshment area. There, leaning casually against the door frame was a white haired man, just slightly smaller than Rick, and wearing a very "Castle-esque" smirk.

Kate could only imagine how Rick was feeling at that moment, because her own breath had entirely disappeared.

She knew that if this man they were searching for was indeed his father, there was bound to be some similarities. But nothing really prepared her for how the set of his jaw, the shape of his nose, the thick head of hair, and the twinkling blue eyes would so closely mimic the ones she loved so much.

Minutes must have ticked by as the three stared each other down. Kate was the first to look away and only then, to check on Rick.

When he still didn't speak, she tried to think of something to say, but Nick or Wesley or whatever his name was, beat her to the punch.

"Richard. I knew you would come."

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: Hello again, and Happy 1st Castle Monday of 2012!**

**Yes I know, this Monday post is kinda early in the day, but today is a super busy day for me as I go see an orthopedic surgeon and begin physical therapy for a knee injury I got the week before Christmas (Hopefully its nothing serious). Anyway, because of these appointments, I wasn't sure when I'd get time to post, so I figured, I'm up tonight, and Monday is Monday whether its 12:01 or 9:15. What the heck? Let's do it now! I'm too excited/nervous about this chapter to let it go and maybe not get it posted today. Besides, with the new ep tonight, many of us will be too distracted to worry about fanfic! So carpe diem!**

**Yes! Yes! Yes! I know I left you with a cliff hanger, which I do enjoy doing, but rest assured I'm working hard on the next chapter, which has already visited my beta in its rawest form and is now sitting in my email awaiting it's first edit.**

**I'm enjoying exploring Castle's past, which we know so little about, and also the role reversal of having Kate be the strong, supportive balance in the relationship. It's been fun to explore. I hope you find it as interesting as I do.**

**And on another note, I'm also excited, because this chapter officially puts me over the 100,000 word mark. That may not seem like a big deal, but for me it's an exciting milestone. Especially when considering that from what I read online, an average length novel is 80,000-130,000 words. A year ago I would have told you it was absolutely impossible for me to write anything that length. Yet here I am with Reservations under my belt and Brickwork winding up. Wow! It's all because you guys are kind enough to take time from your days to read my stuff and then go the extra mile and let me know its something you enjoy! :) ((Big hug))  
><strong>

**Concerning the last chapter, thank you for your wonderful responses. Some of them, including a special PM (you know who you are) just really gave me such a needed boost of confidence. I love writing for each and every one of you!**

**OK, well until next time!**

**Best wishes to you all!**

**DeBo81**


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 19 review:**

***Kate sees Dr. Burke and is doing well. She laments that she just wishes she could be there for Rick like he is there for her.**

***Something is bothering Rick. He shows Kate a letter he received, from his long-lost father.**

***Rick breaks down in the middle of the night and comes to her place drunk. It's a long emotional night. No one can find them the next morning, which scares all their friends and family. When the boys find them at Kate's place, Rick lets them in on his secret.**

***Kate, Lanie, Ryan and Espo, help Rick find out about the man claiming to be Rick's dad. He has a long sordid past under many aliases.**

***Kate goes with Rick to the retirement center looking for this man. They find him under yet another name. The chapter ended with Rick and his dad coming face to face for the first time.**

**And now let us continue where we left off...**

Chapter 20

"Richard, I knew you would come," the old man stated simply.

"Don't flatter yourself. I'm not looking for tearful reunions."

"I never expected that you were."

Rick's arm was pressed close enough to her's, that Kate could literally feel his biceps flexing.

She knew without a doubt that every part of him, heart, mind, body and soul were fighting to maintain control.

"I'd like you to introduce your friend, but I suppose its only fair to introduce myself first. "As I'm sure you're already figured out, my name, my real name is Nick Alexander, I'm your father."

The older version of Castle took several steps forward and stretched out a weathered hand, which he dropped when neither of them made a move to shake it.

"You'll forgive me Mr. Alexander, if I don't put much stake in your claim." Rick's voice in her ears sounded deep, cold, almost dangerous.

In direct opposition, Nick remained quite relaxed. Almost casual.

"Understandable. Say, can I get either of you a coffee? It's no Starbucks, but it ain't half bad either."

Kate shook her head. Rick also declined.

"Is there somewhere we could talk?" Rick asked.

Alexander looked around the room and shrugged. "Looks like the lounge is pretty busy. I can take you up to my room. It's private."

For the first time since spotting Nick, Rick turned to Kate, looking for her opinion. She nodded and before long the three headed to the elevator.

As Nick pushed the button for the fourth floor, a gnarly, arthritic hand shot in between the slowly closing doors, causing them to bounce back open.

A tiny blue haired woman who couldn't be more than four and a half feet tall, and wearing glasses that resembled miniature magnifying glasses shuffled into the elevator car and pushed another button.

"Wes, are you entertaining company today?" she asked.

"Yes Gladys. This is Richard and his friend. He's my son!"

A low, almost primal, growl rumbled deep within Rick's chest. Kate took his hand and gripped it tightly in response.

"Oh my, yes! The sun! Isn't it lovely? This winter has been so gray and dark. It's done wonders for me to see spring making its way in."

"Wes" didn't try to correct Gladys, for which Kate was thankful, because if he announced that Rick was his son again, she didn't know if she could thwart whatever he might unleash.

Gladys got off on the third floor with a chipper wave and a surprisingly spry bounce in her step.

The rest of the short ride was made in painfully tense silence.

When the doors slid open, the older man led the way down a long hall. Still no one spoke.

He inserted his key in the lock, opened the door, flipped on the overhead light and gestured toward the small dinette set on the far side of the room. Kate took a seat, Rick followed and Nick pulled his rocking chair closer.

"What is it that you want from me Nick?"

The way Rick said Nick's name was sour and came off almost as a curse.

"Nothing."

"We've done our homework. I know at least some of your past. You're a liar, an addict, a con and a cheat. I don't believe you."

The old man had the nerve to actually chuckle.

Years of being an officer helped Kate school her features, but if she gave in to instinct, there was nothing she wanted more than to slap the smugness right off his face.

"Is that why you brought your very own cop with you?"

"This cop is _not_ just any cop. She's my girlfriend."

Nick offered his hand again, and against her better judgment she accepted. She noted that for all his swagger and bravado, his grip was surprisingly weak.

"It's nice to meet you Detective Beckett."

"So you know who I am?"

"I must admit, your reputation precedes you. My son may not know who I am, but I'm not the one gracing newspapers, magazines and best seller lists. If I see that he's made the news, I check it out. Last month I saw an article about you two doing a Valentine's Day book signing. Forgive me for being so bold, but as lovely as your are in print, in real life your beauty is ten fold."

Kate wasn't flattered. This man was a con and knew exactly how to play the game. And if this little introduction was any indication, he was very good at the game.

Rick apparently had enough and was ready to get down to business. "So you admit to keeping up with my career. How do I know you aren't some deranged fan who knows I grew up fatherless and is trying to capitalize on that?"

"I can prove it."

"How?"

"I know stuff that only I, your father, would know."

"Just words, Nick. Stories. I know all about them, a little research, a little knowledge, a decent amount of creativity and you can create any reality you want. It doesn't make it the truth."

"Well then what do you want me to do? How can I prove it to you?"

Kate reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out a wrapped swab and a plastic tube. "You can let me swab you. Test your DNA."

He hesitated and looked from Kate to Rick. She wondered if maybe it was that easy to blow his story, to make him back down. But then, ever so slowly, while staring into Rick's eyes, he began to nod.

Kate opened the packages and he opened his mouth.

When she had the sample sealed and secure, he sat back again, the twinkle returning to his eyes. "Your fancy test will give you one answer you're looking for Richard, but it will tell you nothing else. You're here, in the same room with me, maybe for the first time, maybe for the last. Don't you have more questions? Don't you want to know who you are? Who your family is?"

"I could have never met you Nick and I would know who I am, and I would know who my family is. You are a part of neither."

"I can see why you'd say that. It makes sense. But I don't think it's the truth. You came here today looking for the truth and yet you won't allow me the courtesy of sharing it with you. I've read about you, I've read all your books and seen your interviews. You are an award winning mystery writer. You crave a good story. You need to solve the unknown. It will eat at you for the rest of your life if you can't swallow your pride today and ask me all the things you want to ask."

Kate hated to admit it, but she knew Nick was right. She knew how this would effect Rick. But she wouldn't side with him, not and gain Nick's satisfaction.

Rick began bouncing his knee. She didn't know if he was going to back down or not. She wasn't surprised when he completely just changed tactics. He'd learned a lot over the years of watching her and working with her in interrogations.

"You want questions? Fine. Why did you contact me? You still haven't told me. You say you don't want anything but you do. You say its not money but what? You want to ease your conscience? You need to make yourself feel good? Or are you just doing what you do, toying with people because you can?"

Another long moment passed. "OK, if that's how you want this to go. I can do that. I didn't invite you here to tell you lies or hide the dirty truth."

Rick turned to her and with so much incredulity and sarcasm that it practically dripped off him as he asked Kate, "Invitation? Is that what it was? Most invitations don't come from someone using a false name."

"I couldn't risk it. I didn't know if you had someone else reading your mail for you. I knew you would find me. I knew that you would figure it out, and you did and you're here. So why did I contact you? It's very simple, I'm dying."

Nick may not have noticed the change in Rick but she did. A little wind had left his sails.

"It's cliche', I know but true. Long lost father suddenly doesn't have all the time in the world anymore and decides to come clean, but that's what happened. I have lymphoma. I've known for several months but chose not to treat it. I'm just not worth it. Instead, I moved here to figure out how to finally meet you before it was too late. At my last appointment, the doctor told me I only have weeks left. That same day I mailed the letter."

Rick retorted but with considerably less poison in his words. "You don't look sick, not terminally at least."

"Good! Then I'm doing it right."

"Doing what right?"

"Hiding it. All those years moving from place to place, changing my identity, hiding from the law and others who wanted me, taught me a few things about make up and disguise. If I went and scrubbed my face right now, you'd see how dark and hollowed out my under-eyes are, how pale and thin my skin is, and if we were standing or taking a walk you'd see how tired I get. I may not look like I'm dying but I am."

"So now you're looking for penance for your sins?"

"No. There's nothing that can save me. I was a lost cause before I was a grown man. I'm doing this for you, if you want it."

Rick ran his hands through his hair.

"Look, you don't have to believe me, but you and your mother were the best things, outside of my own mother, that have ever happened to me. I know I've never shown you that, but it's true none the less. Try to trust me when I say that staying out of your lives was the best thing I could ever give you."

Every time there was a pause between words, the silence became almost deafening.

"You know what Nick? You're right about one thing, I'm here now and there's a good chance its the only time I ever will be. You have a story to tell, and there's nothing I love more than a great story. Humor me!" Rick leaned back in his chair and clasped his hands behind his head, pretending to relax, but the pulsing vein in his neck gave him away.

Kate felt relieved to see Rick becoming willing to listen. If he walked away now, he would always wonder what he might have missed.

Nick, stretched cautiously over the arm of his chair toward a mini fridge and pulled out three small bottles of water. He kept one and pushed the other two across the table toward the pair before saying anything else.

"I'll tell you everything I can, but if you have questions, just stop me any time."

Rick only grunted, but Kate nodded.

"So you know I've gone by many names in my life time, but the one I was given by my mother was Nicholas Wesley Alexander. Alexander was my mother's name, not my father's, and unless Martha had your name changed, your middle name is Alexander as well, after her. My mother, Constance was a beautiful woman inside and out. From what she told me, she was born around 1910 in London. Her mother passed away during child birth and her father was severely injured during the first World War. Her father's widowed sister raised her and cared for her father most of her childhood. Her father, who I think was named Charles, lived in constant fear that war would return to England. Most people thought of him as man crazed by the memories of battle, but her aunt took him seriously and on her eighteen birthday, booked passage for her to come to America. They had arranged through family friends to have her take a job as a nanny for a well off family in Boston. When she arrived, the family took her in and treated her well, but before she'd been here an entire year, the baby she cared for died of influenza. This baby was the couple's only child, so suddenly she was out of work. Despite their grief though, they helped her find another respected position with a family in New York. You may have heard of the Harrington family?"

"The Harringtons of RJH Shipping?" Castle asked.

"One in the same. Old money, high society, moguls of the shipping industry. And shipping wasn't all they did well, they also made babies like it was their calling to single handedly populate the earth. In the Philip Harrington family alone, the one my mother worked for, they had twenty three children. My mother was one of four nannies the family had living with them. It was a coveted job to have as a single woman in a huge city. Well, as time passed, Mother who was still very young herself and quite lovely, caught the eye of the eldest Harrington son, Benton. He was in his early twenties and lived at the house when not traveling abroad.

As she told it, Benton was very kind and charming and soon she found herself head over heels in love. But because of their stations, they could never be together publicly and had to hide their romance. When she found that she was pregnant, she went to him, sure that he would make things right. He told her he could convince his family to let them marry if she didn't work for them. So he gave her a large sum of money to live on and she quit her job. He came to see her off and on over the next several months and always brought her more money and gifts. But then he stopped coming, and before long, she heard that he was engaged to a socialite in his family's circle of friends. She was heartbroken. Just before she had me, he came back and said he loved her but that he had no choice but to marry the wife his family expected him to. Then he offered to keep her as his mistress, but she wouldn't hear of it. She kicked him out and told him to never find her again.

As a child we moved around quite a bit to wherever Mother could find work. But it never failed, every now and then he'd track us down and remake his offer. Every time she'd turn him down, and every time it angered him more and more. I remember as a boy watching him backhand her so hard that she lost a tooth. And then when he was done taking it out on her he'd come after me, verbal mostly, because my mother always stood between us, no matter her fate. But he never left without reminding me how I was an unwanted bastard who would never be worth serving his legitimate children.

My mother always told me he was wrong, that she loved me and wanted me, and I believed her, or at least until I got old enough to understand all the trouble my existence really caused.

When I was twelve I got a job to help support us. We were very poor and I refused to burden my mother any longer. I got a job with a local grocer, helping him stock shelves and run errands. He was a kind man and when there was merchandise that got a little too old or the cans were dented, he'd send me home with them. I worked for him for two years until one day my "father" found out, came into the store and accused me of stealing from him. Of course, everyone believed him. He was a local god among the business owners, and I was a child of the streets. I couldn't tell people that he was my father who just hated me and would do anything to make me miserable, because I knew the consequences would fall on my mother. So I admitted it and left.

Word of the incident spread quickly, so I was unable to find more work. It was a long, cold, hungry, winter that year, but we got by, mainly because everyone already thought I was a thief, so I went ahead and acted on their assumptions.

That following summer, Mother fell ill. It was polio which led to pneumonia. She never recovered. The day she was buried, I sent a message to my father that she had died but had left something for him if he wanted to come get it.

He came to our apartment the next morning, raging drunk. He told me I killed her and try to swing at me. It was a mistake he never made again. I then informed him that what she left for him wasn't a scared little boy but a man ready to finally defend her. I'd grown quite strong since the last time he'd seen me and he was surprised by the first punch. By the time I finished, he was barely conscious. My only hope when I left, was that he wouldn't die, but would have to go home and tell his family the horrid truth.

I have no idea if he had to let the skeletons out of his closet but I do know that he lived a good forty-some years more knowing he'd hurt us for the last time."

Nick paused in his story to take a long drink of water. "So as you can see Fathers of the Year, don't exactly run in the family."

Rick's jaw clenched as he presumably bit back a retort.

Kate covered his hand with hers. "Don't let him get to you, Rick. You're a great father. Don't you ever question that."

He nodded, the pain of this entire event shining in his eyes.

"Speaking of being a father. Will you tell me about your child? You have a daughter, right?"

"I'm not telling you anything about her until you finish what you need to tell me, and maybe not even then."

"If you insist," he sighed.

Nick readjusted himself in his seat and briefly rested his eyes before continuing. As Kate watched him, she could see the exhaustion in and around his eyes. He was probably telling the truth about being ill.

"So, I'll fast forward through my teens and twenties. There weren't many highlights, and the lowest points were so full of crime and debauchery, that if it were made into a movie, most people wouldn't believe it was real. By the time I was in my early thirties, I had several identities in multiple states, and had spent several years in jail. Just after I turned thirty-five, I got released from a six year sentence after three years, because of good behavior and cuz I provided some information on a mob boss that I'd done some work for in Vegas.

I left Nevada as soon as I was released, knowing that if it ever came out that I was the one who squealed, my days would be numbered, so I changed my name to Nick Hartmann and my look and headed back to New York.

At first, when I got back, things were difficult and I was reminded of my childhood. I was considering heading out again, but before I could leave, it began to snow. That blizzard shut down the city for days.

I spent the entire time at the YMCA where I had been staying since I arrived in the city.

During the days of being essentially locked in, we had to find ways to keep ourselves amused. A man named Roy Holste, who was also staying there, found a book of plays and gathered several of us together to perform them for the others. Roy was a struggling actor who had incurable stage freight. It really hurt his career, but in those long February days he discovered something about himself. He might not be cut out to be an actor, but he had a natural talent for directing.

He wasn't the only one who discovered personal talent though, I also fell in love with the theater. So much so that I decided to give The Big Apple another shot and shoot for the big stage.

By June, Roy and I both stumbled upon opportunity, he as a director's assistant and I as a supporting character in an off-Broadway show. It ran for six months, and for the first time in years, I had a little happiness in my life. My next role was as an understudy. It was for a bigger production, one that ran for longer than a year. This is where I met Martha Rogers. She was the supporting lead, and the character I was understudying for was her romantic interest. She caught my eye the first time I saw her, with her glowing red hair and flashing blue eyes. But it wasn't just her beauty that intrigued me, it was her. Most of the women I'd known in my life had already had the light of life snuffed from their eyes. They were hard, bitter, women living hard, bitter, lives. But not Martha, every day was an adventure to be lived. I was captivated."

As they watched him talk, Kate was surprised to see how sincere Nick appeared. So much so, that she could could see the wistful nostalgia written across his face. She hoped that it was genuine and not just production.

Nick continued speaking as he stared out his window. "I tried for months to figure out a way to approach her, but she didn't even know who I was. Then one day I got a call. Johnathon Nance was out and I was in. Motorcycle accident; he broke half the bones in his body and I jumped for joy."

It also meant that your mother and I had to work together almost round the clock for several days so that we didn't have to cancel a show.

Everything I liked about her from afar, was magnified when we actually worked together. She was smart, classy, witty, funny, beautiful..." His words trailed off softly, but then he cleared he throat and continued.

"For the first and only time in my life, I was in love.

Things progressed quickly from there, and four weeks later we were married at city hall. At first everything went so smoothly. We didn't fight. Our days were spent enjoying each other and learning about each other. Our nights were spent at the theater doing what we loved. It was a magical time.

When she told me she was pregnant, we were scared, but thrilled. We were having a baby!

But as the weeks moved forward, I started worrying about how I could provide for a family. We were barely making ends meet as it was, and our show was at the end of its run. Even if something came along quickly, she wouldn't be able to work long. No one wanted to hire an actress who was exhausted and changed shape by the week. I realized it was all on my shoulders. She was confident that it would all work out, but I couldn't keep my worries at bay.

When the show closed, she was about three months along, and I made the first of many hard decisions. I gave up acting to find a steady normal job, something a good father should have. She begged me not to give up may passion but I insisted I was just exchanging one love for another. It would be easy to leave the stage to gain a family.

So I got a busboy job at a local restaurant. It didn't pay well but it was stable. A few weeks later I picked up a janitorial job as well, cleaning some offices after hours.

One night while I was working, a man was burning the midnight oil in his office and he recognized me. He was a kid I'd grown up with, Paulie Schmidt. He asked me what I was doing emptying trash in the middle of the night, and I told him I had a baby on the way that I needed to provide for. He asked if I wanted to earn a little extra money on the side, running some errands for him now and then. I didn't hesitate to accept.

At first it started out with me delivering a few packages for him around the city. In the beginning I picked them up from his office and then later from the basement of his club. I soon realized that I was running drugs for him, but didn't know how to get out. Then one night I went to the club to get a delivery and it wasn't ready. Paulie was hosting a poker game and asked me if I wanted a chance to double my money. So I sat in and cleaned up big.

One game led to another though, which of course meant I was drinking and smoking. When I'd stumble home, Martha didn't question me or chastise me, she just cleaned me up and put me to bed, making sure I was ready to be at the restaurant on time.

I never should have taken the first job with Paulie. I never should have sat down at his table. It was a slippery slope that I thought I could control, but I couldn't. It had taken me three years in prison to get myself clean the first time, almost two years in theater to find some joy in my life, and only five months to let it all slip away.

Poker nights led to heavy gambling, and I wasn't winning. A few drinks turned into me being black out drunk. Delivering drugs led to taking drugs. I was so ashamed, I couldn't look Martha in the eyes. But she told me we'd get through it; that when the baby came, I'd want to do better, but I knew it wasn't that easy.

I could say that she was optimistic because she was young and in love and naive. But in truth, I think hope was all she had. If she stopped hoping things would be better, where did that leave her?

By the time you came a long, I was hardly ever home. I'd lost my job at the restaurant, I was so addicted to all my vices that I couldn't climb out, and I wouldn't look my wife in the eyes and see her disappointment.

The morning I came home and found that she wasn't there, I knew you were here. I scrubbed myself up, guzzled some coffee and headed to the hospital.

When I walked in the room, there you guys were. She was glowing! Despite the hell I was putting her through, she now had you and was actually glowing from every pore.

I cried. I threw myself at her feet and begged forgiveness. She gave it immediately. I promised you both, the moon and the stars, and she told me she didn't need them, she only needed us to be together and happy. She had every right in the world to send me packing, yet she took me back with open arms.

When she gave you to me, I was crying so hard that my tears soaked your blanket. You were so, perfect and handsome and wonderful.

I asked her what she'd named you and she said Richard, but that I could choose your middle name. There was only one other person in my life that had ever loved me and I wanted to give a part of her to you, so I chose my mother's last name, Alexander."

Nick took another long drink from his water. He was obviously choked up and trying to keep his emotions in check. Neither Rick or Kate spoke, but continued to watch the old man in front of them, wondering if they could believe the captivating story he told.

When he continued talking, he's voice cracked, but he went on, "I wanted to do the right thing, I really did. I know there will never be any way to convince you of that but its the truth. I... I... just couldn't. I was a weak, selfish person and that never changed.

One night when you were a couple weeks old, I came home completely out of it. I barely even recall what happened. But I know your mother and I fought. It was the biggest fight we'd ever had. She was a mother protecting her cub and her claws finally came out. She'd never yelled at me before. She'd never stood up to me the way she should have before, and it enraged me and I raised my hand to her to hit her, which despite all my sins, I'd never hit a woman. But as I swung my hand back, I saw the fear that I knew as a child. I saw my mother in her and I snapped.

I never touched her. I just walked out and didn't come back for days.

When I did return, it was late on a Wednesday night during a huge spring thunder storm.

She asked me what was going on and I told her. I told her everything I'd been doing and all the ways I let her down, and you know what her answer was?"

Kate didn't even realize she was shaking her head until she noticed Rick was too.

"She said we could get past it if we tried.

I couldn't believe it! I gave her the ugly truth and she still thought we could work it out. So I embellished the story. I made it worse until she finally cracked. I told her she would never be safe with me, that I was a time bomb waiting to go off. It was already in me, already who I was and I couldn't change that. I told her I was leaving, but I'd already pushed her over the edge. She packed up her things and your things as quickly as she could while weeping.

The last thing she said before you two walked out into the storm was that if I ever really loved either of you, I would never find you or contact you, ever.

And I did love you, very much, so I kept my word.

Over the years, my life continued to go in ups and downs, but the ups were never as high as those first months with your mom, and were never as low as watching you leave, but I knew I'd done the right thing. For once in my life I'd done something for someone else. If I'd stayed in your life, I knew what would happen. I'd already lived it. Martha would die, maybe not physically but the light inside her would go out and you would turn into me and my father and I couldn't let that happen."

"And since you left, what have you been doing for forty years?" Rick asked, his own voice raw with emotion.

"I've traveled around, just trying to get by. I tried my hand at acting again, but without my leading lady, it wasn't the same. So I did odd jobs here and there; some legal, some not.

About five years after I left New York, and I was in California. I was living with a woman and she got pregnant. She already had two kids by two other guys and even though we lived under the same roof, I wasn't involved in their lives so I figured I could get by like that with this one too.

It didn't really work. When Scott was born, I tried to love him, but my guilt over how I left you and Martha was too great. For years, his mother and I were on again/ off again and I saw him grow up, looking for my approval and all I could do was try to be nice. My heart was dead. Needless to say he won't have anything to do with me, and I suppose he's better off for it. He's a real estate broker near Sacramento. He's married and has three kids, who I've met once, a couple years back.

During most of the nineties, I worked with a photographer who backpacked around Europe. I assisted him with his equipment and helped him print his pictures. It wasn't bad. And I say he's the closest thing I've had to a true friend since childhood. We still meet up once in a while, but he's only in his sixties and still exploring the world. I'm just an old man, who's fading away."

"Does he know you're sick?" Kate asked.

"I sent him a letter to his home in Washington, the same time I sent yours to you, but I believe he's in the Congo for a few months, so I'm sure by the time he gets it, I'll be gone."

Silence filled the room. What was there possibly left to say? Kate could not imagine what Rick must be feeling right now, because even as just a witness to all this, she was torn between anger, grief and even to a degree, respect.

Seconds turned into minutes. Rick stood and paced the small space, staring at the floor and dragging his hands through his hair.

After what seemed like forever, he stilled and brought his eyes back to the man who had flipped his world on its side.

"My daughter's name is Alexis. She's 18. She's a high school senior. She's smart and beautiful and probably very much her grandmother at that age."

Nick lip began to tremble. This was clearly not what he expected.

Kate was sure that he had been prepared for Rick to lash out or walk out, but not to reach out.

Rick reached back into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He slipped a photograph out, one Kate knew was a picture of Alexis, Rick and Martha together, and handed it to his father.

Nick brought the picture up close to his failing eyes and stared at it. Tear after tear fell until he was practically weeping.

Rick remained frigid as he watched the old man break down.

When Nick was able to pull himself together, he turned to his son. "How is your mother? Has she found happiness? Does she still have the light of life in her eyes?"

"She didn't let hardship bring her down. She's doing very well."

"Thank you, for showing me this. You're a better man than me, Richard. Thank God, you're a better man than me."

Nick tried to give his son the picture, but Rick shook his head. "You keep it. It's the closest I'll ever let you get to them."

He turned back to Kate.

"It's time to go."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Five weeks passed and everyday seemed to get a little better for Rick, but Kate could still tell he was effected by everything that happened. The worst day for him was his birthday. She and Martha and Alexis made dinner for him and gave him gifts which he accepted with a smile, but later than night as they lay in bed, he was emotionally shut down.

"Now that you have the paternity test back, have you told Alexis or your mother about it?"

"No."

"They know something's bothering you Rick. Alexis asked me if we were OK."

"What did you tell her?"

"I said we were fine and that right now you were just stressed out. That it would pass."

"I want to tell Alexis, because I know she's interested. She's asked me about my father many times while growing up. Mother on the other hand, doesn't acknowledge his existence, and I don't blame her. I don't know if telling them would be wise or not."

By the time they fell asleep, nothing had been decided.

XXXXXXXXXXX

On April 14th, Kate was making breakfast for her, Rick and Alexis when the phone rang. Martha was out of town.

The teen ran into the office to answer it, but was soon back with phone in hand. "Dad, it's for you. They say they're from Glendale Senior Living?"

Kate and Rick shared a look before he got up and took the phone back to his office. When he returned several minutes later he looked ashen.

Rick looked from Alexis to Kate then back to Alexis before wrapping her in a giant hug.

"Dad, what's wrong? You're scaring me."

From over Alexis head, he questioned Kate with his eyes. She only nodded.

"Alexis, Honey, we need to talk."

"Dad!" panic cracked her voice. "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine. Sweetie. I'm... fine."

Alexis darted a quick glance to Kate as if to confirm his claim.

"Your dad is OK, I swear."

"Alexis, what I need to talk to you about... is... my father."

"Your father?" she asked in awe. "I didn't think you knew who he was."

"I didn't until not to long ago, but he contacted me last month. I can fill you in with all the details if you want them, but right now I have to go see him. The facility he was living at, just called to tell me he was rushed to the hospital last night. And the hospital, not having any other contacts called them back to let them know to contact anybody who should come say goodbye. Because I was the only person who's ever visited him, they called me."

"So your father is dying?"

"Looks like it. I'm going to go see him today, if either of you would like to join me, you can."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate drove to Edison, allowing Rick and Alexis to talk.

By the time they arrived, she was pretty sure that at some level Alexis was in shock and Rick was numb. As they stepped into Nick's room she was certain of it.

She hardly recognized the frail man lying in the hospital bed. He was only a shell of the man she'd met just a few weeks earlier.

When he opened his eyes, Alexis was directly in his line of sight.

"Martha!" he cried. "Martha, please forgive me. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, I swear."

"Nick!" Rick interrupted him. "This is Alexis, my daughter."

Nick quieted and scrunched up his face. He looked to be in terrible pain, though if it was physical or emotional, Kate didn't know.

"You came back." He rasped out through heavy breaths. "And you brought my granddaughter."

"She wanted to see you."

Nick held out a hand toward Alexis and she tentatively took it.

He coughed and wheezed and winced again in pain before he could talk. "My dear, let me tell you something. You are the luckiest girl in the world. You know why?"

She swung her head slowly from side to side.

"Because your father is a good man."

One of the monitors began to beep erratically, bringing a nurse to his side. She adjusted a few things and added something to his IV. Within moments he was asleep.

After the nurse left, Rick, Kate and Alexis hung around a while longer to see if he'd wake again. When an hour passed and he was still out, they decided to leave.

On their way out, Rick stopped at the nurses station and asked, "Is Mr. Ale... Is my father in pain?"

The nurse who'd been in his room earlier, met his eyes solemnly. "I'm afraid he is."

"Is there anything you can do about it?"

"He's on the highest pain medications available to him."

"So there's something else that would help him be comfortable?"

"There's one or two very expensive medications, but medicaid just won't cover it."

"What if I paid for it out of pocket?"

The nurse stuttered in surprise. "I'd have to talk to his doctor to make sure he could take it, but yes, I think that would allow him to have it."

Rick pulled out a card, and wrote a number on the back. "This man is my accountant. I'll call him and tell him to expect your billing department to contact him."

XXXXXXXXXXX

The next Saturday, Kate dressed in a black dress and shrug. Rick and Alexis would be picking her up soon.

Nick had passed away three days earlier, in his sleep, but not in pain.

Rick arranged for him to be buried in a local cemetery not far from his loft. There was no obituary. There would be no memorial service or luncheon. Just her and the Castles saying goodbye to man they hardly knew.

When they got to the grave site, there were no tears. The three of them just stood together as a family, staring at the granite marker, lost in their own personal thoughts.

A few minutes later, the sound of someone clearing their voice caused them to turn. There stood Lanie, also in black and Ryan and Esposito in dark suits.

"What are you guys doing here?" Rick asked "You didn't even know him."

Ryan shoved his hands in his pockets and tipped his head. "We're not here for him Rick. We're here for you."

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: If this made you tear up and you don't like crying... my apologies. I have never cried while writing something, until these last 2 chapters. And my Beta said she shed tears too. **

**I've been wanting to write a story line for Rick's dad since Reservations... and I tried to work it in to that story but it never came together. I could never really find the story in my head. Then about 2 weeks ago this came to me rather suddenly and I wrote and wrote and wrote, and was kinda surprised when I sat back and read it. It wasn't what I originally planned, but I'm satisfied with how it all came together.**

**To everyone reading this right now thank you. I'm sure you know by now how much I appreciate your time and support. And welcome to my new readers! I know that several of you have just told me that you found this recently. I'm thrilled that you were able to take the time to catch up with us and join us in Rick and Kate's journey!**

**To those who inquired about my knee and sent well wishes, thank you again. Today is another day of what I've dubbed "Meniscus Monday". Another PT session, an MRI, and next week another surgical consult. They think I may have torn some cartilage in my knee. :(**

**Ok! So that is all for now! I'll see you again next week. I hope we all enjoy tonight's new Castle episode. I know I'm looking forward to it!**

**Have a great day and a great week!**

**You fanfic friend, DeBo81**


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 20 Review:**

***Rick's dad, Nick shares his story with Rick and Kate, including that he's dying.**  
><strong>*Rick end s up showing Nick a picture of Martha and Alexis<strong>.  
><strong>*When Nick is taken to the hospital, Rick is called to his bedside. Kate and Alexis accompany him. Nick tells Alexis that her father is a good man.<strong>  
><strong>*Despite the bad blood between them, Rick makes sure his father's last days aren't spent in pain.<strong>  
><strong>*When Nick passes away, not only do Alexis and Kate stand beside Rick, but Ryan, Esposito and Lanie come to his side as well to support him.<strong>

Chapter 21

May 3, 2012

It's so nice to have Rick home again. I understand that the time in the Hamptons was good for him and helped clear his head, I just wish that my schedule had allowed me to be with him there for more than just the weekend.

Now that he's back, he seems to be back to his old self, and I'm so thankful. Since the day he got his father's letter he's seemed so burdened and down that I suggested that maybe he should see Dr. Burke. At first he resisted, but after I brought it up again, he told me he thought he just needed some time away, and if that didn't work, he'd go see him. I'm relieved that it did though. I've missed him. Not just his physical presence this last week, but "him" these last several weeks.

Welcome back, Rick.

Kate didn't have anything else to say and tossed her pen on the nightstand before flipping back over the last several pages she'd filled. Most of her most recent journal entries were filled with concern over Rick and his situation.

His pains had become her pains. His concerns, hers as well. She had been his strength when he was weak, just as he had done for her so many times before. They were so in sync in mind and body that she felt with him, not just for him. So needless to say, his relief was also a relief to her.

While she read the journal in bed, his bare foot met hers under the covers, causing their eyes to meet.

"You OK?" Rick asked.

"Yeah, you?"

"I am, now that everything is settled and I'm back home with you."

Kate could see the sincerity in his eyes and it made her heart swell with awe. She'd never felt so needed by someone before.

He leaned past his laptop he was working on, and captured her upturned lips with his own.

The simple kiss stirred the familiar heat deep within her that she'd come to embrace.

"Are you almost done for the night or are you still working?" she asked as she scooted closer to him.

He shut down the computer and slid it to the nightstand on "his" side.

"I haven't written anything in twenty minutes. I've just been staring at the screen and trying not to think about the sexy woman next to me, who was busy writing in her journal."

"I could have written later. You should have told me!"

"No way! I wouldn't interrupt that. I know how it is when you want to get something down, its good not to waste the moment."

"Well it's hardly a novel. You have deadlines and editors hounding you. If you get a burst of creativity, of course you need to take advantage of it!"

"Well I try to, but I meant journaling too."

"You journal?"

"You knew that."

Kate shook her head from side to side, before resting it on Rick's bare chest.

"I swear I've told you that before."

"I really don't think so. I'm sure I would remember that. What do you journal about?"

"Anything, everything."

"Wow. Specific. I'm overwhelmed."

Rick caressed her shoulder. "Well I write about a lot of things. Don't you?" He moved his hand quickly, attempting to swipe at her book. She moved just as fast though and kept it out of his reach. But he knew her well and anticipated the move, allowing him to grab it as she shifted positions.

"Hey! Give that back."

"Oooooh, so you can ask about mine, but yours is a secret? I'll show you mine if you show me yours." Rick wagged his eyebrows, letting any and all connotations take their full meaning.

"Hahaha. Very funny. No. I don't want to read yours per say, I was just wondering what kinds of things you write about."

"You, us, Alexis, Mother, work, worries, hopes, dreams, things I want to remember one day. Normal journal stuff. What about you?"

"It started off as an exercise Dr. Burke suggested. Pretty much just talking myself through the fears and nightmares of the shooting and my anxiety over my mom's case, but even then, somehow you seemed to sneak into almost every entry. Now it's more about just my everyday life, something I like to do to solidify memories or just work out the stuff in my head. A lot like yours I'm guessing."

Rick rolled on top of Kate, stretching to put her unopened book on the nightstand. "You know, if you really wanted to read mine, I'd let you. It might be a little weird, but I have nothing to hide from you."

He dipped his head to lightly drop kisses on her cheeks and eye lids.

"Thank you. And even though I think I'd be too embarrassed to actually let ANYONE read my journal, there's nothing I'd hide from you either. For me, writing in my journal is kinda like baring my heart and soul so completely that its almost raw, if that makes sense. And I'd tell you anything you really wanted to know that's in it, but right now the words in there are just for me. Does that bother you?"

"Not at all. I can respect that completely. I think that's just part of who you are, and I love who you are so that's OK."

Kate lifted her head from the pillow so as to bring her mouth up to his. Midway through the kiss, she shifted her weight and flipped them both so that she was on top.

"What did I ever do to deserve a man like you?"

Rick grinned playfully, with his eyes dancing in the low light. "I have no idea, but it must have been something wonderful!"

XXXXXXXXXXX

The next morning Kate and Rick got ready to head to the station side by side. He picked out one of his outfits from his closet and began to dress only to realize they were matching. This happened often, and each time it did, it sent the person who's home they were in back to their wardrobe.

When Kate noticed that they were both wearing blue button downs, jeans and blazers, she swapped her blouse for a purple tunic style shirt and leather jacket instead.

"You know, I think we should plan out clothes for the week in advance so this doesn't keep happening."

Rick said as he pulled on his socks.

"Then we'd have to know which place we were staying each night too. And with crazy work hours that could get tricky."

He shrugged and stood up from the bed. "Or..."

She paused and raised her eyebrow at him. "Or, what?"

"Or we could just always stay at the same place."

Kate shook her head. "That won't work either. You need to spend time with your family, and I have to be here to feed the fish and just relax in my own home and stuff."

"What if my home was your home?"

"Excuse me?"

"Don't act so shocked. That can't be the first time you've thought about it. Things have been serious between us now for a while. We spend almost every night together, and the nights apart are hell. We have drawers and closet space at each other's places, so we're practically living together anyway... just in two locations. I love your place, but like you said I need to be by my family and there's just not enough room for Alexis and Mother here. But I have plenty of space for all of us. Bring your fish and your books and everything. I'll make room for all your things, we can make it work. Or if you wanted tostart fresh, I'll call my designer and we can pick stuff out together. Ooooor I suppose we could even find something new to call our own."

As Rick spoke, he drew closer to her. By the time he stopped to read her reaction, he was standing in front of her, holding her hands.

Kate's heart pounded and she felt her body break into a cold sweat. _Living together! That's just a step away from marriage! That's a serious commitment. Not that I'm not committed, but that's so big!_

Words weren't forming on her lips so she continued to stand still, except for the slight tremble in her hands, staring at Rick as if he just announced he was pregnant with alien twins.

"Honey you need to breathe."

Kate took an intentional deep breath in and out, which cleared her mind slightly. "I think this is a little soon, don't you?"

"No."

"I've never lived with a man before. I mean it's practically ma..."

"Marriage?" he asked hesitantly.

She nodded numbly.

He swallowed deeply, drawing her eyes to his Adam's apple as it bobbed.

"Well, um, uh, I'm not saying that that scenario doesn't hold its appeal too, but I agree that perhaps that's a discussion for another day. Right now I'm just suggesting we keep doing what we're doing already... just under one roof."

"But then I'd have to give up my independence."

"I'd never ask you to give that up. I'm just asking you to be a part of my home. I suppose we could even keep your place, just in case, if that's what you really wanted."

Kate could see that even though he suggested it, he really didn't want to do that. Keeping her place was like keeping her foot in the door. It was a tangible reminder that she wanted an escape route, that she wasn't sure enough to jump in with both feet. She didn't want that either.

"I can't give you an answer right now. No, this isn't the first time I've thought about it, but I never assumed it would be so soon. I have a lot I need to work out."

He squeezed her hands. She could see the disappointment in his eyes, and could see his attempt to mask it. He couldn't hide his feelings from her though. She knew him too well.

"You take all the time you need. I won't bring it up again. Just know that the offer is on the table and won't be rescinded. When you're ready, you tell me."

"I will."

XXXXXXXXXXX

The day passed quickly. It was a fairly normal day in homicide. They didn't have a body drop, but there was so much paperwork from the last two cases that all three detectives waded through piles of forms and files until at last their desks were again clear.

Rick had left before lunch to go home and write, but only with the promise that if they got a case, she would call him.

At six o clock, as she was packing up to head out, he surprised her by returning.

"Come to escort me home?" she teased.

He quickly and discreetly kissed her temple.

"I would love to, but no," Rick whispered. "Espo called me. He got a tip that our guy might be back in town. We were going to go check it out."

Kate's stomach churned. It had been more than a month since Rick had mentioned anything about her case. The guy they suspected had vanished in the wind, which she was angry about, yet relieved, because it meant the guys were safe, and their safety meant more to her than her desire for closure.

"I'll come with you then, " she quietly answered as she reached for her gun to check it.

Rick caught her wrist in his strong hand.

"You can't do that Kate and you know it. If it's him and he recognizes you, we're all blown."

"But.." she started to protest, but he shushed her and guided her away from her desk and into the lounge.

"Look, we're just going to go to this bar we think he's hanging out at, have a drink, play some pool and quietly watch him. We just need to know that he's back so we can make a plan. You won't be missing out on anything. I'll be back at your place before you go to bed."

"I don't like this Rick."

"I know you don't, but you want to get this guy don't you?"

"Yes, but not at a price."

"What price? The cost of a couple beers? We'll be fine, we're just keeping our eyes on him. We're hoping to be able to get him on something else and then connect him back to you."

"I don't know. It just makes me nervous."

Obviously not caring that they were still in the station or that someone might see them, Rick wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her body tightly up against his. His kiss was hot and probing; it melted her from the inside out and almost erased the worry from her mind.

When he broke away, they were both flushed. "Baby, we'll be OK. I promise."

The argument that there was no way he could promise that, formed and died on her lips as he stared into her eyes.

"Be careful." She whispered on a heavy breath.

"Always."

She reached up and caressed he rough cheek. "Love you."

"Love you too, and when I get home tonight, I'll show you just how much."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Before leaving the station, Kate made a quick phone call. Lanie would be off soon but was too tired to go out, so Kate said she'd bring food over to her place and they could enjoy a girl's night in.

After polishing off an order of Souvlaki and Greek salad, Kate and Lanie stretched out on the doctor's couch nibbling matching slices of baklava.

"This is sinfully good." Lanie announced before licking her lips. "I'm gonna have to run an extra mile or two tomorrow."

"I know. This definitely is going to warrant an extra round of sit ups."

"Girl, puh-lease! You could eat this every night for a week and it wouldn't show!"

"Ha! I beg to differ."

"Whatever! You have nothing to worry about. Besides, even if you were in danger of enjoying a few too many calories, I'm sure you and that man of yours could find a few interesting ways to burn them off."

Kate couldn't stop the heat from rising to her cheeks as she recalled how just that morning, her early workout session evolved from yoga to kama sutra within minutes of Rick waking up.

"That's exactly what I mean. You're thinking about it right now aren't you? Your face is about as red as my new handbag!"

Her eyes darted to the leather purse on the coffee table. It was about two shades away from being fire engine red.

"So what if I am?"

"Then you need to give your girl some details. You've been all too quiet about the sack skills. I was starting to wonder if maybe you'd fantasized about it for so long that the real thing just didn't live up to your imagination."

"Oh no worries there. We have a very healthy and, um, _fulfilling_ relationship."

Lanie pursed her lips in a sly smile. "I bet you do!"

Kate put her now empty plate down and picked up her drink.

"So is that your way of saying that he's... adequate?"

Kate choked and sputtered. "Lanie Parish!"

"Well! You're the one who used the word fulfilling in such a deliberate way. And besides, for as long as I've known that man he's insinuated or, hell, outright bragged that he's got the goods. I'm just wondering if he's full of it or he's got a reason to be proud."

Kate's hazel eyes stared at her friend's brown ones for several long beats before her face split into a wide grin. "There are many things that man has embellished or exaggerated... but that's one aspect that is not fiction."

Lanie squealed like a schoolgirl. "Daaaaaaaaaaamn girl!"

The next half hour flew by quickly as the two women swapped girl talk and bragging rights.

At one point, Kate wondered if Rick and Esposito were to overhear this conversation if they would be embarrassed or flattered. Knowing those two, they'd probably strut around like peacocks for a week.

"No wonder you spend almost every night together."

"Yeah the sex is great, but that's not why. It just doesn't feel right anymore to sleep alone."

"And he feels the same way?"

"Yeah, I really think he does."

Lanie smiled warmly. "You sound pretty sure of yourself."

Kate nodded slowly, thinking about the conversation she and Rick had that morning, about his invitation. "He uh, he asked me to move in with him."

Lanie's eyes grew wide. She sat up straighter and turned her body so that they completely faced each other. "What! When? How? Are you going to do it?"

"This morning, out of nowhere! He's obviously put a lot of thought into it and has just been waiting for the right time to bring it up. It totally surprised me though. I mean, I guess I've thought about that happening some day, but I didn't realize he was already thinking along those lines. A part of me wants to run home and start packing. But a bigger part isn't ready for that yet. Living together is a BIG step. What would you do?"

"That all depends. Why do you feel you're not ready? Is it because your relationship isn't that serious yet?"

"No, we love each other and are very committed."

"Is is because you aren't sure you want this to be a long term thing?"

"No, I can see myself with him forever, but forever still seems so far away. I think I'm just nervous that it might not work out, despite how I feel. What's after living together? Engagement? Marriage? Are those things all that different? What does that mean for my career, for my independence? What if he wants more kids? What if he doesn't? I don't even know what I want. Plus he's been divorced twice and we've talked about that, but what if he just can't stay married? What if he gets bored with me? I just can't let myself take that step yet."

"I don't think he could ever get bored with you. But it sounds like you have your answer at least for now. You two need to talk about these things. If you are considering moving in, those next steps are logical assumptions for the future. I think you need to figure out now if you have the same plan. It's one of the reasons Javi and I split for a while. We weren't on the same page. Right now we are again, but we're trying to just take it a step at a time and talk about things before they just blow up in our faces."

"I see that going well... 'Yeah Rick I'd love to move in with you cuz I love being with you all the time but I'm afraid that for one of us that could change, or if it doesn't, that one day I'll find myself barefoot and pregnant afraid to do my job cuz I don't want my kids to know what life without a mother is like, oh and by the way, living in a penthouse is great, but I like my stuff in my space and what if I can't fit into your world.' Yeah that's awesome!"

"I know you wouldn't tell him like that, but what you're saying is all quite valid and he'll understand."

"Maybe. I don't even know if I understand."

"Is he OK with waiting for an answer?"

"Yeah he basically said the offer was on the table and when I'm ready to accept it, just to let him know."

"Then relax, and think it all through, talk to him when you have your thoughts sorted out and figure it out as you go. There's no way you can plan out every aspect of your life right now. Things will come and go. Situations will change, but if you're as committed as I think you both are, you'll work through all of it together."

"Sounds like some pretty sage advice from a woman who doesn't even want to get married."

"I didn't say I never want to get married. I just said I don't want to right now. We're not ready. I'm not ready. I'm fine with that, and Javi's come a round to accepting that too. Like I said, one step at a time."

Kate stared off toward the painting Lanie had hung between the open windows on the opposite wall. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed her friend stifle a yawn. It was getting late.

"Well, I knew you were a doctor, but I didn't realize you were Dr. Freud. I'll have to think some more about it all, but right now, I need to go. You're tired and the guys should be getting back soon."

The women stood and hugged before Kate headed toward the door.

Lanie leaned against the door frame after Kate stepped into the hall. "Thanks for dinner and the company. It's been too long."

"You always say that."

"It's true though, we don't hang out nearly enough!" Lanie countered. "Cuz standing around crime scenes doesn't count."

Kate laughed. "Maybe it should. Seems like that's where I spend most of my time."

XXXXXXXXXXX

She spent the entire taxi ride home thinking over her situation, considering her friend's advice. Maybe it wasn't so bad. If she could sort out her own feelings, she'd be able to talk this all out with Rick soon.

When she let herself into her apartment, Kate tossed her things down on the couch and slowly looked around her place.

_Am I stupid for hesitating to give this up? How many women who aren't even in love would be willing to give up their little apartments to live in a luxury penthouse loft? How many would give up their careers and their dreams just to be in a relationship as wonderful as the one I'm in? How many will never know the love of a man as kind and wonderful as Rick? Why am I not jumping into this with both feet? He's not even asking me to give anything up. He's trying to give me all of it and more. But what if...?_

The flood of what ifs raced through her head like a movie at double speed. She tried to push them away, but for every one she dismissed another took its place.

She knew she needed to relax, to calm down.

Kate meandered into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine. By the time it was empty, she was beginning to feel slightly better, but what she really needed was for Rick to come home and tell her it was all going to be OK.

As she headed to her room to change into her pajamas, her phone began to ring.

In her distracted state, she didn't pay attention to who's ring tone it was.

"Hello?"

"Kate, are you home?"

Ryan calling her by her first name was her first indication that something wasn't right, but the panicked rasp in his voice sent the adrenaline coursing through her veins.

"Yes. Ryan, what's wrong?"

"Get yourself ready to leave. I'm coming to get you."

Fears from the summer, of the sniper coming to finish the job, resurfaced as she started pulling on her shoes.

"Is it him? Is he coming after me? I'll be ready this time."

"No Kate. It's Castle..."

The instant sound of blood rushing to her head almost drowned out Kevin's words, but not quite.

"... he's been shot."

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: Please don't beat me! I know I'm very cruel to leave it there, but it really was a good place to end the chapter. I'm hoping that if all goes well here with writing and my schedule, that HOPEFULLY (fingers crossed) I can give you another chapter before next Monday. So keep your eyes peeled for an extra update.**

**Thanks for all your wonderful reviews, tweets, PMs etc... from the last chapter. Reading them while sitting in the waiting room for the MRI, kept me distracted and helped me not get nervous! I hear there was a lot of tissues used while reading it! I'm not sure if I'm sad that I made so many people cry or glad that I was able to move you, but either way, I'm glad you enjoyed the story. **

**Have a lovely day! Stay warm and dry and safe, and I'll see you again soon!**

**Happy Castle Monday!**

**DeBo81**


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 21 Review:**

***We find out in Kate's journal that Rick spent some time in the Hamptons after his father's death and is now doing much better.  
>*Rick asks Kate to move in with him, but she can't give him an answer.<br>*Kate has a girl's night with Lanie while Rick and the guys go to a bar to watch the man they believe is Kate's sniper.  
>*After going back home, Kate gets a call from Ryan. Rick's been shot.<br>**

**And that is where we begin...  
><strong>

Chapter 22

As soon as the word "shot" registered in her head, Kate never heard another word that followed. She knew Ryan kept talking but everything he said was a jumbled, incoherent slur in her ears. By the time she could bring her focus back to the conversation, she was met with the steady hum of the dial tone.

_Noooo, not Rick, noooooooooooooooooooo! _

An eerily banshee-like screech slipped from her lips and her knees buckled. But before she could slump to the floor, her stomach lurched, sending her to the bathroom, where she retched uncontrollably until she was left with nothing but dry heaves and salty tears.

Kate dropped her head onto her arms, which held onto the toilet bowl like a life line, and wept.

She didn't hear the knock on the door, or notice that the one lock she'd latched was picked. She didn't hear her name called or the sound of feet approaching. She didn't even notice that Kevin joined her in the bathroom until he gently swept back her hair and hugged her limp shoulders to his hard chest.

"Kate, listen to me."

She heard what he said but it sounded hollow and distant. She looked at him but couldn't focus, as tears continued to well and spill from her aching eyes.

"Beckett!" Ryan tried again with more force, even shaking her carefully so as to snap her out of her panic attack.

"Ryan," Kate answered as if it was the first time she'd noticed him kneeling before her.

"You have to calm down. Rick's going to be OK, but he needs you to be strong for him."

"You said he was shot."

"Yeah, he took a bullet in the shoulder, Espo's with him in the ambulance. We're supposed to meet him at the hospital. Can you pull yourself together so you can go to him?"

She nodded but didn't make a move to stand. Instead she just buried her face into Kevin's shoulder and tried to stifle the sobs that continued to shudder through her slim frame.

He held her for several minutes stroking her head and shushing her like he would a child.

When she finally calmed, she pulled back and wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry, I just..."

"Don't worry about it, if I were in your shoes, I'd have done the same thing."

He helped her stand, looked around the bathroom and handed her a wash cloth and hand towel from the shelf. "You might wanna wash up. I'll wait in the other room. Then I'll fill you in on everything on the way."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Ryan pulled away from the curb with his gumball flashing and sirens blaring, the moment she shut the car door.

"I need to call Martha and Alexis," she stated numbly.

"Already did. They're on their way as well."

"Thank you."

Kate's hands trembled as she fought to maintain control. She watched the lit up city pass in a blur as they drove. "How did it happen?"

Ryan sighed and gripped the wheel a bit tighter, but never took his eyes off the road.

"At first, things were going well. Our informant had been correct. The guy we've been following, Stephen Kirby, was back in town and hanging around at this little bar on the west side. We weren't there a half hour before he showed up. So we're keeping an eye on him, and after a little while another guy comes in and sits down with him. I don't know who he was, but he looked familiar to all of us. He's a big guy, about 6 ft, dark hair. He's real cool; an unshakable type guy and he makes Kirby nervous. Anyway, so they're talking and I notice that Kirby nods his head toward us. I figure we were spotted but we couldn't leave without confirming it, so we start up a game of pool and tried to keep it cool. Then the second guy leaves and Kirby starts talking up some woman. A little while later they head out back and we hear the woman scream, so we race out there to check it out. Kirby then pushes the woman back into the bar and the second guy comes out of the shadows behind us. I've got my gun on Kirby and Espo swings around and has his on the other guy, both of whom also have guns out. Castle's between us."

Kate's heart beat harder and harder as Kevin spoke, and for the first time in months, her chest and side where her scars were, began to ache.

"Then Kirby yells, 'You should have just left well enough alone, but none of you ever learn do you? You could have walked away and she'd be safe. You'd be safe. But now you've pushed it too far.'

Rick snapped. He reached back under his jacket and I knew he was pulling out his gun to kill this guy.

Unfortunately everyone knew it. We'd all fired before he even had it out."

Kate gasped for air, but wouldn't let the tears come back. Kevin just kept talking.

"Thankfully we were more prepared than they were. We were all wearing our vests under our clothes. Rick's vest took Kirby's bullet to the chest. But the other guy managed to hit him in the back of the shoulder."

"What about you and Javier?"

"We're fine. They weren't aiming for us. And neither of them will get another chance to try."

Another panic attack threatened to engulf Kate. These men were targeting Rick, her Rick, because of her and her need to solve these damn cases!

XXXXXXXXXXX

When Kate and Kevin rushed into the emergency entrance of the ER, Javier was already there waiting.

"Where is he?" Kate practically shouted.

Esposito reached out and grasped Kate's shoulders. "They took him back but he's awake and talking and even trying to crack jokes. The nurse said to go have a seat in the waiting room and she'd be out as soon as she could."

Knowing that he was conscious did wonders for Kate and for the first time in close to an hour, the tension in her chest released slightly.

The three cops headed to the open lounge and sat down in the uncomfortable plastic chairs. Within minutes two flashes of bright red hair passed by the window and through the sliding doors at the main entrance.

Kate stood and waved Martha and Alexis over. Martha ran to her with open arms but Alexis just glared at her from behind puffy eyelids.

_She blames me,_ Kate realized. _And so she should. It's all my fault. _

"How is he? Have you heard anything?" Martha asked.

Collectively the group turned toward Esposito.

"The bullet hit him from behind and went through his left shoulder. In the ambulance, his vitals seemed pretty good and he was in good spirits, all things considered. By the time they wheeled him back, he was looking pale, but was still making jokes."

Kate could sense more than see Martha's relief but Alexis just began to pace. She felt like she should say something but had no idea what.

Slowly, she approached the teen, all the while questioning her sanity. She was barely hanging on to her own emotions, how was she suppose to comfort her?

"Hey," Kate whispered.

Alexis stopped walking but didn't look at her.

"How ya doing?"

The younger woman darted her eyes toward her and shrugged.

Kate opened her arms to offer Alexis a hug. Over the last several months Kate had come to love her in a special, familial sort of way, so it hurt when she didn't accept the gesture.

After what seemed like an eternal silence Alexis finally spoke in a whisper. "You know he would die for you. He would do anything for you. Why didn't you make him stop before it came to this? I thought you guys were happy. Isn't he enough? Do you have to risk your future by chasing a past that can't be changed?"

Kate had no answers for the girl. They were valid questions that she'd already asked herself and yet they remained unanswered.

Alexis walked away leaving Kate standing alone on the edge of the large room.

Not feeling like she could rejoin the group yet, Kate moved to the wall and pressed her forehead into the painted cinder block, where she stayed until a nurse came looking for the family of Mr. Castle.

Kate watched as Martha and Alexis approached the middle aged woman in pink scrubs. Martha extended her arm toward Kate, encouraging her to join them.

"Mr. Castle is stable and is being taken up to surgery to repair his lung which appears to have been nicked by a bone fragment and also to repair his collar bone which was fractured. All things considered, he's doing well and is stable. The bullet appears to have missed the major organs and arteries."

An audible sigh came from several members of their party, all who were listening carefully to the update.

Nurse Whittler gestured to the group, "If you guys want to go up to the surgical waiting room, I can get you visitor passes."

"We'll do that." Martha replied. "Thank you."

The five gathered their things, got their badges, and headed to the seventh floor.

On the elevator ride up, Javier wrapped an arm around her shoulders and squeezed her gently. It was a very brotherly sentiment and surprisingly, it provided Kate with a little comfort.

As the group filed out and into the hallway, a familiar voice called her name.

"Kate?"

She whipped around to find a tall, handsome doctor in navy scrubs striding toward her. Josh.

She couldn't see Alexis' or Martha's reaction, but Ryan and Esposito recognized him and casually flanked her on each side. Even though it wasn't necessary, she knew that they both remembered the fight between him and Castle, last time they were all gathered here a year ago, and appreciated their support.

"I knew when I saw his name on the OR board with GSW next to it, you'd be here too. Are you OK? Did you get hurt?"

"I'm fine Josh. We weren't together when it happened."

The surgeon was clearly surprised by the information.

"So then how'd he get shot?"

Esposito took a step forward. To Kate, he looked an inch or two taller and a helluva lot stronger than he had only moments earlier. "Police business, doctor. He was with me."

Whether Josh intended to or not, he took a step back, distancing himself from the three cops. "Oh. I thought maybe he was still pushing you into your mom's case."

Kate's lips twitched and her palms itched to slap him. This wasn't any of his concern. She was starting to get a better understanding of the incident she'd missed last May.

"Josh, I appreciate you checking on me, but I think it's time you left."

The large man shrugged and turned away, but not before mumbling something under his breath.

Kate stepped forward, "Do you have something else you need to say? Cuz I'm right here. Say it, don't mumble."

"Forget it, you two deserve each other."

With that he disappeared behind a pair of swinging doors that were clearly marked for authorized personnel only.

XXXXXXXXXXX

The hours spent waiting for word on Rick were agonizingly slow.

When the surgeon finally appeared, he came with news that everything went well, and that as soon as Rick was awake, he could have visitors, one or two at a time.

Martha suggested that Kate should be the first to go in, but she insisted that Martha and Alexis go first.

When the two redheads disappeared, Kate slumped down in her seat. She'd tried to look calm and confident in front of Rick's family, but she was quickly reaching her breaking point again. She bit her lip and dug her nails into her hands, trying to keep the trembling in check. She breathed in deeply, to clear her head, but it only filled her nostrils with the antiseptic scent of the hospital that she'd been trying to forget for so long.

"Yo Becks, you OK?" Javier asked.

She nodded but didn't meet his eye, instead, she shut her eyes tight against everything and everyone in the room, which suddenly felt like it was closing in.

Inside, she could feel the cracks in her resolve spreading like ice cracking on a pond.

She didn't know how long she stayed like that, but when Ryan's warm hand covered hers, she finally opened her eyes.

Kevin and Javier were sitting on either side of her, watching her nervously.

"Do you wanna go get some fresh air or something?" Javi asked. "Or can I get you some water?"

"No, I'm, uh, OK. I'm just a little overwhelmed is all. When I see him and know he's OK, I'll be fine."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, yeah."

When Alexis and Martha returned, Kate noticed they both looked much better, but Alexis still wouldn't acknowledge her.

"Kate Darling, they're moving him right now from recovery to room 720. It's down the hall to your left."

"Thank you Martha."

The older woman nodded and patted her arm as she headed toward the door.

If Kate had been more herself she might have noticed the motherly look directed her way and found some reassurance or comfort, instead of feeling so utterly lost and alone.

When she arrived at the room, two orderlies and a nurse were transferring Rick from the gurney to the bed. IVs and monitors were connected to his limbs. He grunted in pain as they put him down. She could only see one of his legs from where she stood, and it looked unnaturally pale.

Kate had the urge to run away, but her feet were like lead, anchoring her in place.

The orderlies pushed the now empty gurney toward the doorway, requiring that she back into the hall to let them pass.

The freedom the hallway offered was tempting. He hadn't seen her yet; she didn't have to go back in. She didn't have to see him like this, shot and injured because of her.

Flashes of memories assaulted her mind. The crime scene photos of her mother, Montgomery's blood pouring out over her hands, Raglan being shot in front of her, McAlister's lifeless body drenched in blood in his cell, and countless ones of Rick as a father, friend, partner, and lover.

When the nurse exited the room, he almost ran into Kate. "He's ready for visitors now, go on in."

She attempted a smile in response before taking a halfhearted step through the threshold, then another and another.

With each step, a little more of him came into view.

"Kate!" Rick rasped as soon as he saw her.

His face was ashen, his lips tinged slightly blue. His hair which was usually falling over his forehead was pushed back and looked flat. Kate was startled at how weak he appeared. He truly looked only slightly better than death warmed over, except that his tired eyes held a hint of their usual sparkle.

He lifted his right hand toward her, bringing an IV tube and a pulse-ox monitor with it.

Kate took it and allowed him to gently tug her closer.

"Rick, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. It's not your fault."

"Yes it is. You could have been killed."

"But I wasn't. I'm fine."

"No you're not."

"I will be, soon."

The tears which she'd been vainly fighting, began to spill. Rick was shot because of her. Ryan and Esposito could have been. Alexis could have lost her father, Martha her son, Jenny her husband, and Lanie her boyfriend, and over what? Trying to solve a case that repeatedly proved to be too big and too extensive to close.

"Kate, Honey don't cry. We got him! I know we don't have more answers for you. But we got your sniper, I'm sure of it. He can't come back for you."

She knew his words were supposed to be a comfort but they weren't. The man who pulled the trigger might be gone, but the one who wanted her dead was not. If she or any of the others continued to investigate, there would be another to take his place. Another person who had her or her loved ones in the cross-hairs. Another life to be lost.

She squeezed his hand tightly then pulled her fingers back from his grasp.

"I'm so sorry you got involved in this. I'm sorry I ever told you about my mom's case. I'm soooo sorry it took you getting hurt to realize how selfish I've been. I can't do this to you anymore. I love you too much to let you get hurt again. I'm sorry."

With a heart-crushing, parting look, Kate ran from the room despite Rick's surprisingly strong cries for her to come back.

She ran past the elevators to a stairwell door and then down flight after flight of steps. When she reached the bottom, her legs ached and her chest burned but she pressed on, out the door, across the main lobby and into the street.

Kate knew she couldn't go home. People would look for her there and she didn't want the comfort or sympathy of her father or friends. She shut off her phone and headed out on foot, but to where, she didn't know.

She never noticed the odd looks she received from the few people she passed in those last few hours before dawn. She didn't remember wandering around the park several blocks from the hospital or buying the bottle of vodka at the liquor store a little farther down the street. The sun was starting to peek over the horizon before she came to the realization that her frantic running had taken her to the building where Dr. Burke's office was located.

Kate knew that at that moment there was probably no other place she should be more, and entered the lobby.

A security guard watched her carefully, but she was able to compose herself enough to not make a complete scene in front of the elevators and headed up to the eleventh floor, where she'd spent so much time over the last months.

The glass door to his offices was locked.

She had no idea when his first appointment would be, but knew she definitely wanted to see him as soon as possible, so she slouched down onto the floor and waited.

But waiting only served to make things worse. Without the general hubbub of the city distracting her slightly, she was able to focus entirely on her fears, pain and grief.

Tears evolved into sobs; sobs into gasps for air. Her head spun, her body shook, her lungs burned so much so that it vaguely occurred to her that perhaps somehow, she'd pulled some scar tissue or something, re-injuring her old wounds.

She didn't have long to consider it though, for shortly thereafter her world quickly and quietly fell completely dark.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate blinked once, then twice. There was a bright light shining on her right side that encouraged her to keep her eyes clamped shut. Her head throbbed. A steady beeping echoed from somewhere in the room, that sounded familiar but that she couldn't quite wrap her head around.

She tried to roll over onto her side but something about her arm hindered her from getting comfortable. With her back now to the light, she hesitantly opened her eyes again.

Directly in her line of sight was a beige bed rail. Her arm was sporting an IV, and the beeping came from a monitor a few feet away.

"What the hell?" she asked aloud as she tried to sit up.

"Hold on Kate," a deep voice instructed. "don't move too fast."

She whipped her head around fast enough to make the figure of the man sitting in the love seat at the foot of her bed swim before her eyes, but she was able to recognize him anyway.

"Dr. Burke? What are you doing her? What am I doing here?"

"What is the last thing you remember?"

It took a second or two, but snippets from the night before came crashing back to her.

The beeping sped up considerably as she remembered more and more.

When she finally answered, her voice was soft and shaky. "Rick was... He could of... Oh my god!"

The doctor stood and approached her.

"It's OK. Try to relax. You're OK and he's OK. We'll work through this all together."

"How did I end up here? The last thing I remember was going to your office but it was locked."

"You had a full blown panic attack. I was stepping off the elevator just as you passed out."

"Passed out? From a panic attack? That can't be normal."

"Yes and no. Your blood pressure was very high and from the way you were hyperventilating at the end, I'm guessing you weren't getting much oxygen. Plus from what I saw on your chart, your blood alcohol was about twice the legal limit. It's a combination that would put most people out for a while."

"Why are you here? Don't you have appointments or something?"

"I've rescheduled. I have a policy that whenever a patient blacks out at my door, they may have my services for the entire day."

Kate wasn't amused at his attempt to lighten her mood. She pushed her hair back and tried again to sit up. After adjusting the position of the bed, she found a somewhat comfortable position. Then she just stared at the doctor, waiting for whatever it was that he was there for.

He watched her for several long moments and returned to his seat before taking a legal pad and pen from the briefcase next to the chair.

Dr. Burk made himself comfortable and then gently stated, "I want you to start from the beginning."

Kate scoffed. "Beginning of what? My life? The hell of everyone around me becoming a target? From when I heard that my boyfriend was shot?"

"From wherever you feel the beginning is concerning what brought you to my office this morning."

Kate closed her eyes briefly. She could see Rick in her mind, lying in the hospital bed just hours after narrowly escaping death. She could feel the tremor returning to her hands and the hitch in her breathing. She didn't want to face this right now.

"I think I need my coffee first."

"I'll see that you get it as soon as you can, but in the mean time, lets talk."

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: So there's the extra chapter I promised that I would try to get out. I hope that knowing Rick is safe has calmed you a bit. ;)**

**Thank you for all the feedback... and the lovingly, playful hate mail. **

**Have a wonderful weekend, and I'll see you again on Monday!**

**DeBo81**


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 22 Review:**

*** After calling Kate to tell her, Castle had been shot. He gets to her place and helps her pull herself together, then tells her what happened.**

*** Although they found out Rick would be OK, Kate feels responsible, and Alexis blames her.**

***On the way to the surgical waiting area, Dr. Josh, confronts Kate, but she (with the boys support) puts him in his place.**

***When Kate finally gets to see Rick, her turmoil reaches its boiling point, and she snaps. Afte apoogizing, she run out into the night.**

***Kate spends the night wandering through the city near hysterics and trying to drown her sorrows. She ends up at the door of Dr. Burke's office, where she passes out. He gets her to the hospital, where she wakes up several hours later.  
><strong>

Chapter 23

Kate didn't even know where to start. He knew her past. He knew what her history was like. Did he want her to rehash all of that or just start at last night? After thinking about it a little more, she realized she didn't want to go back over all he knew so she'd just start with the recent events whether he considered that the beginning or not.

Taking a ragged breath, she tried to relax before beginning.

"So you know how I told you that Rick and Ryan and Esposito were still looking in to my case?"

Dr. Burke nodded.

"Well it's been a while since anything's been said but apparently last night they got some information they wanted to check out."

Kate licked her lips and wrung her hands, as if waiting longer to voice what happened would postpone the pain that would come with it.

"I guess something went wrong. The guys found themselves in a standoff with two men connected to my case, and they both aimed and fired at Rick. Thank God he was wearing a vest or he'd be gone too. Just like everyone else."

"And you feel guilt over this?"

"Of course I feel guilt over this! None of them would have been in this situation if it wasn't for me! Especially Rick. He's not a cop doing his job. He's a civilian trying to avenge his girlfriend!"

Dr. Burke made a notation on his paper, circled it and then looked back up to Kate.

"Did you ask him to go out there and do that for you?"

"No. I would never do that."

"So he's a rational adult making his own decision. Why do you want to take responsibility for that?"

Kate sighed. "Because he's doing it for me, and I know that. I should have stopped him."

"So you're implying that you knew he was in danger last night?"

"Well, no, not until Ryan called me. I thought they were just going to get a visual on a suspect."

"Then I'm still confused as to why you think you're at fault. You've told me on more than one occasion that you've asked him to leave it all alone, yet he continues to persue it, which you've conceded is a selfless act of love on his part. He's aware of everything that's happened. He knows the risks. But still, by choice, he doesn't back away. To me it sounds like you've done what you could, and he made his decision anyway."

Kate looked away from the doctor, toward the window. She wished she could accept what he was trying to tell her, but she knew this situation better than he did. It was her fault. She knew it and so did Alexis. The others probably did as well, but were too kind to tell her. It was another burden that she'd always carry with her.

"I think you should go now. I'm very tired."

After a long pause, the doctor stood and gathered his things. "Very well, but I'll be back later. In the mean time, I'd like to prescribe you something to help with your anxiety and any depression."

Kate had never taken pills to help take the edge off. Not after her mom's murder, not even after her own shooting, but she realized that she was tired of feeling helpless and out of control, she wanted relief.

She shook her head yes, though quite sadly, feeling like she'd completely given up, by accepting the help.

"Good, I'll have the nurse bring something in for you in a little while. I think you're making the right decision."

XXXXXXXXXXX

When the nurse brought in the medication for her, Kate tossed back the pills, sipped the proffered water and then lay back on the pillow.

"So how long am I going to be stuck here?"

The young woman in scrubs smiled sympathetically. "I believe doctor wants to keep you overnight for observation."

"Why? I had an anxiety attack. It's not like I tried to jump off a bridge."

"You aren't on suicide watch. I think their biggest concern was your blood pressure. It's come down since you were admitted, but its still pretty high."

"Oh." The last place Kate wanted to be was in the hospital. It just served to remind her of everything she wanted to forget.

The kind nurse finished checking Kate's vitals and writing on her chart. "Are you up for a visitor?"

"Who knows I'm here?"

"He says he's your father."

_Dad? Who told my dad? The hospital must have contacted him._

"Yeah that's fine. Send him in."

A few minutes later, Jim Beckett knocked lightly on the door frame as he entered.

Immediately, he moved to his daughter's side, wrapping his arms around her and rocking her ever so slightly.

"Katie, Baby. What happened?"

Waves of pain, fear, guilt and anger assailed her, threatening to pull her under again. Obviously the medication wasn't working yet.

"Dad, Rick was shot and almost killed because he was trying to solve my case for me. I just couldn't handle it and I... I ran."

"We all have our breaking point Sweetie, there's no shame in that. But you scared the hell out of Rick. From what your friend Lanie tells me. The nurses have threatened to put him in restraints if he tries to get out of bed again."

"You've talked to Rick?"

"No, just Lanie. She's the one who called me in the middle of the night after you ran off. She and the guys had half the city looking for you. No one had any idea where you were until after you were admitted. That's when your boss found out you were here. She'd been calling around to all the hospitals."

"Gates knows I'm here too? She's going to think I'm crazy and make me take a leave."

"I'm sure she doesn't think you're crazy. But maybe a leave wouldn't be a bad idea."

"That's the last thing I need. I need to work. Sitting around feeling sorry for myself is only going to make things worse."

"Honey, lets not worry about that yet. Right now you need to try relaxing as much as possible so that maybe you can get released."

"Rumor has it, I'm not going anywhere today."

"Don't be so sure. You're looking pretty good."

"No the nurse said they're concerned about my blood pressure, so I'll most likely be kept overnight for observation."

Jim nodded, closed his eyes and tstepped backward so he could lean against the wall.

"Dad, you're tired. Go home. I'm fine."

"No, I'm OK. I'm just resting my eyes."

"Bull. I bet you hardly slept last night. What time did Lanie call you?"

"I don't remember exactly but it must have been around two."

"And now its what? Eight? Nine in the morning?"

Jim glanced at his watch. "It's almost eleven."

Kate's jaw dropped. She'd been out of it much longer than she'd figured.

"Dad go home and get some rest. Last year when I was hospitalized, you almost killed yourself trying to stay by my side, and I understand it and appreciate it, but this time my life isn't on the line. Go get some sleep and come back and have dinner with me."

"I don't want to trek all the way across town just for a couple hours sleep. I can doze here in the chair if I get too tired."

"Then go to my place instead, its a lot closer."

The elder Beckett matched the younger one with looks of stubborn resignation.

"If you won't do it for me. Do it for my fish. They need fed. You don't want any of your grandfish to starve. Do you?"

Jim ran his fingers through his gray hair, considering it. After thinking it over he stood. "On one condition."

"Name it, it's yours."

"The next time you get yourself admitted to the hospital, maybe it could be so you could give a grandbaby... or two! The fish just aren't cutting it!"

Kate was stunned. Her father had NEVER suggested something like that to her before. She didn't know if he was joking or serious, but the way he was looking at her, made her think the latter. Maybe he was more exhausted than she thought.

"We'll see. I'm not hoping to be back here for ANY reason, for a good long time."

Jim accepted that with a nod then came over to kiss her forehead like he did when she was a child. It was sweet and comforting.

"I'll be back for dinner. You want me to bring anything special?"

"Surprise me."

"I'll make sure its OK with the nurses when I leave, but do you still love Mr. Wong's?"

"Mmmmm. Shrimp fried rice, wanton soup and spring rolls."

"Great, well then I guess I'll see you later."

After her father had gone, Kate dozed back off to sleep. Some time later the smell of food woke her and then a noise at her door made her think that her lunch was being delivered. But instead of a nurse coming in, she was surprised to see none other than Captain Gates arrive.

"Captain Gates what are you doing here?" Kate asked while shifting into a sitting position and then straightening her hair.

"Two members of my team are hospitalized. I know I have a reputation, but I'm not so hard that I wouldn't come check on them."

"No, Sir, I wasn't implying you were. I'm just... surprised."

"Don't worry, I won't take up too much of your time. I need to get back to the station. Suddenly I have a lot of new paperwork, and a meeting due to all that's happened."

Kate fidgeted but didn't apologize. She didn't feel she owed Gates an apology or an explanation. If she'd let her work her case the way she wanted to instead of closing it, none of them would have been forced to sneak around.

"So, Detective, I've heard from Ryan and Esposito and Castle already, but now I need to hear from you. How are you doing?"

Kate thought she was going to ask for her version of the what happened last night, not about her own personal situation.

"I'm OK. Last night was just a fluke. If they'd let me out of here, I'd be able to go in and help with all that paperwork."

"Right." Gates stepped a little closer, but her face and posture softened.

"Now tell me for real, off the record."

"I did. I'm fine."

The captain came a little closer and rested her hand on the side of her bed.

"I know that's what you want, but I'm not sure its the truth. I don't even know if I want it to be the truth. No one would be_ fine_ after going through an ordeal like that. I know you WILL be OK, but I hope you allow yourself the time to reach that point. I may not know from experience what you went through last night or last year or all those years ago with your mom's death, but I still understand. I really do."

Kate swallowed back both the need to cry and the need to respond to her boss, and just continued to listen.

"You know Kate... may I call you that?"

Beckett nodded.

"You and I are not all that different. We both have a past that has brought us where we are now. We've seen more and lived through more than most other people, cops or not. But we've pulled ourselves up by the bootstraps and carried on even with the odds against us. And even more than that, our jobs remind us daily, of the ghosts we try to keep at bay. At least I know that's true for me, and I suspect also for you as well."

Kate shook her head yes, and bit her lip.

"I'm not surprised that Castle getting shot was a breaking point for you. I can't imagine what I would do if my husband was shot. So I want you to know I'm not holding this against you. I don't think it makes you a bad cop or a weak person. But I do want to you to take some time before you come back. Take some time to get yourself together and work through what you need to work through. You'll come back better and stronger than ever."

"Like I said I'm fine."

"You will be."

"I am now."

"Then let me make this clear. You are on leave until further notice. Right now I'm starting it at two weeks. I know that Dr. Burke is who brought you in this morning, so I'm assuming you're still seeing him. I expect a letter from him clearing you for duty before I see you back at the 12th. And as far as your case goes, and all that went on last night, I'm personally re-opening and overseeing the case, but all of your team is off of it."

"No, Sir, we can..."

"Kate, please trust me. When it comes to this one, you are not the detectives. You and Castle and Ryan and Esposito are the victims and witnesses. I promise I will do all I can to get this resolved."

"You can't do..."

"Yes I can, and I am."

"But..."

Gates turned toward the door, ignoring Kate's protest. "But nothing. You take care of yourself. I'll see you again in a couple weeks."

Kate was still fuming at Gates, and trying to figure out what to do when there was another knock on the door.

"Come in."

A candy striper wearing a white smock carried a covered tray into her room and placed it on the rolling table.

"Can I get you anything else?"

"No, thanks."

Although Kate's stomach rumbled loudly, the scent of what she guessed might be poorly made meatloaf and broccoli did nothing to make her want to eat.

As the young woman was leaving, another woman appeared. This one with impeccably coiffed ginger hair.

"Kate Darling! You're a sight for sore eyes! You had us so worried!"

"I'm sorry Martha. I shouldn't have just run off last night. I just wasn't thinking."

"Don't worry about it. I'm just glad to see you're OK."

"I am, thanks. How is Rick?"

"Trust me, the thing bothering him the most, is not being able to come down here and see you. In fact, he asked me to give you this." Martha handed Kate a folded piece of paper which she took and clutched to her chest.

"Also, when I ran home to freshen up and eat, I grabbed some stuff for both of you. Hope you don't mind. It's just a change of clothes and some toiletries. It's a good thing you leave stuff at our place!" Martha opened the small closet and placed the backpack she carried on the shelf.

"That's so sweet of you Martha, thank you so much!"

"Don't think twice about it, Dear. You've become the daughter I've never had. I want to do anything I can to help."

Even though she knew Martha meant the statement to be comforting, if made Kate feel even more guilty. Rick's family had slowly become her family too, and she was just bringing them more pain and grief.

"So, he's doing pretty well, otherwise. No complications or anything?"

"He hurts. He won't admit it, but I can see it around his eyes. But he's doing well. No fever or signs of infections so far. Just normal recovery I'd say. At least now he's sleeping. He wouldn't take anything until he knew you were safe. I don't want to upset you, but I know you appreciate honesty and running out like that, scared him in a way I've never seen before. I don't know what scared him more, worrying about your safety or worrying that you were leaving him and not coming back."

"I... I didn't think about how it would effect him. I just couldn't see him like that. I would never hurt him on purpose."

"I know that and he knows that, but like you know... fear can influence a sound mind."

"You're not joking."

Martha smiled sympathetically toward Kate. "Don't worry about it Kiddo. It'll all be better soon."

Kate didn't share the older woman's confidence, but nodded anyway.

"Well I should get going, I don't want to leave Alexis alone for too long right now. But if you need anything at all, call my cell."

"Before you go, how is she? She still seemed upset last time I saw her."

"She's getting though it. It may take a little time, but she's strong."

"I know she blames me, and she should. I put her dad in this situation."

Martha cocked her head thoughtfully. "You didn't do anything of the sort, and you are not to blame. No one is. I wish I could tell you Alexis felt the same way, but we both know better. She just came face to face with one of her biggest fears and she's trying to make sense of it all. I don't know that she's gotten to the point yet where she understands that sometimes bad things happen and it's no one's fault. Try not to take it too personally. In a few days when emotions aren't so raw and you're both home and can talk this out, I'm sure she'll come around."

"And if she doesn't?"

"Don't borrow trouble, my Dear. I have complete faith that this will all resolve itself. First thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself. You are not responsible for Richard getting hurt. It will be a lot easier for her to accept the truth if you believe it as well."

Kate's heart ached.

"Now, I will see you again soon. When you get released, don't be a stranger, even if my son is still here. Our home is your home too."

The two hugged before Martha left, leaving Kate alone with her musings.

She was so absorbed with everything in her mind that she had almost forgotten about Rick's note. Before unfolding the paper she expected to find a lengthy note, so when she found only a simple message, she was surprised.

In large block letters he'd written:

I KNOW YOU'RE BUILDING THOSE WALLS AGAIN, BUT I'M ALREADY IN.

AND I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

I LOVE YOU. -Rick

Kate's emotions were spent. She didn't know if it was from the exhaustion of all that had happened or if it was the medication she was now on, but she was numb.

XXXXXXXXXX

During the rest of the afternoon, Lanie, Esposito and Ryan all made appearances. They too were relieved to see her safe and sound, and then encouraged her not to worry. She only wished that it was just as easy to do it as to say it. Dr. Burke returned as well, but didn't stay long when he saw she had visitors. He promised to return the next day before she was released.

By the time her father came back with dinner, Lanie was just headed out. Together, they ate and watched Wheel of Fortune, mutually avoiding talking about anything that had happened. She didn't want to keep talking about it and he didn't want to do anything to upset her, so they both ignored the elephant in the room.

At some point she closed her eyes and fell asleep, still holding the note tightly in her hand, as if she were clutching Rick himself and not just his words.

When she woke again, her room was dark, which meant she'd been asleep for at least a couple hours. She felt rested though and stronger, so maybe she had needed to sleep. She looked around the room as best as she could. The TV was off and there was no sign of her father. It must be past visiting hours.

As she sat there, getting her bearings she realized that she had to go to the bathroom, badly. So Kate pushed the call button for the nurse. Almost immediately the woman arrived to help her disconnect her monitor and untangle her IV poll, allowing her to carefully slip out of bed.

After answering nature's call, Kate stood in front of the sink, staring at herself in the mirror. Her under-eyes were dark and puffy, her lips chapped and pale. She tried futilely to comb her hair a bit with her fingers, but it was still flat and matted.

Suddenly the shower looked like a slice of heaven, a chance to feel a little closer to normal. She opened the bathroom door to see that her nurse was waiting patiently for her to return.

"Would it be OK if I took a shower?"

"Yeah, let me get something, I'll be right back."

When she returned, she came back empty handed. "I was going to get a cover for your IV port, but it looks like we can just remove it instead."

Within ten minutes Kate was free of the IV and enjoying the feel of the hot water pouring over her back.

After her fingers began to wrinkle, she decided she'd been in there long enough. She shut off the water, grabbed her toiletries, silently thanked Martha for her insight, and stepped out to dry off and dress.

By the time she was dressed in a clean gown and her hair was braided, she was tired again and ready to crawl back into bed.

Kate opened the bathroom door and jumped in surprise. Her room wasn't empty as she'd expected.

"I didn't mean to scare you."

"Rick, what are you doing here. You should be in bed."

He raised his one free hand toward her. "I don't like sleeping without you next to me. You know that."

"Well you can't sleep here. There's no room. You'll hurt yourself more."

"I know, but I had to at least come see you."

Kate finally took the last steps forward and took his out-stretched hand. "How did you get down here? Are you getting yourself into trouble?"

"What can I say? I'm a charmer. That, and my nurse both is a romantic and a fan. She brought me down here. But I only have a half hour."

Several minutes passed while they just looked at each other, soaking in the other one's very presence.

Kate felt the sting of tears threatening the backs of her eyes, and blinked them away. "I'm sorry I ran away last night."

"You scared the hell out of me."

"Then I guess we're even, cuz you scared me too."

"I didn't know it was going to end like that. I didn't think he'd recognize me."

"According to Ryan they didn't just recognize you, they targeted you. They weren't just trying to shoot their way out of the situation. They set you up and tried to kill you."

"I wouldn't put it that way."

"Then how would you put it?"

Rick sat quietly in the wheelchair. She could tell from his expression that he was thinking of a tamer way to spin the story but was coming up short.

"Look, we got your sniper. That's what's important!"

"No Rick that's not what's important!" She dropped to her knees next to him, still gripping his hand. "You are what's important. You and the guys and your safety! You could have been killed!"

"We were prepared. We all had our vests on."

"Thank God! But what if one of then had aimed for your head?"

The terror of the what ifs began to grip her insides again.

"I'm sorry I scared you and I'm sorry that the situation got out of control, but Baby, we're safe. Stop staring at me like I'm a ghost."

"I've had to bury too many people, Rick. I can't lose you too. It would kill me."

"I'm right here."

"I need to know that you're always going to be here with me."

Kate could see that Rick was as pained as she was, even if it was for a different reason.

"Kate, I would never do anything that I thought would take me from you."

"Then stop working on my case."

"What? We got the sniper, but we haven't got the "Dragon" yet.""

"Gates is taking the case anyway, but I want you to let her. Don't keep working it behind her back. Just let go."

"But what about you? You need closure too."

"I'll have to deal with that."

"If you can tell me you'll let go of it all, I will too. But I can't let go until I know you have."

"It's not your burden to bear. I never should have let you take it on in the first place."

"The hell it isn't. You tell me to drop it just like that, because you can't live with the knowledge that I might be in danger, but you want me to live knowing you're walking into the same thing? I don't think so."

"It's different with me, I'm a cop, it's my job. Plus, you have a daughter and mother who need you."

"They need you too. And so does your dad, and so do I. We all love you and need you. Don't pretend we don't. So we're either both in or both out."

"I don't know that I can sit back and let Gates take this on. She doesn't know everything, and she'll probably let it drop again after a little while."

"Then I'll work beside you, just like with everything else."

"I can't let you do that."

"I don't think that's your choice to make, Kate."

She stood and walked back to her bed, sitting on the edge so she could see him yet still maintain some distance.

"Look, I didn't come down here to argue with you. I came because I needed to be with you. Please don't pull away. Not now. I need you."

She dropped her eyes to her hands briefly, feeling overwhelmed by everything that continued to transpire.

"I need you too. That's why I'm asking you to drop the case."

"I'm not talking about that anymore. That nurse is going to be back here soon and you haven't even kissed me yet."

Rick's entire persona evolved from serious to adorable within the breadth of two sentences, and she couldn't resist him when he used his boyish charm on her.

Kate scooted back off the bed and with more speed than she intended, flew back to him, and lowered her lips to his.

His one free hand came up and cupped the back of her head, keeping her from pulling back. It was an awkward angle for her to maintain, but her natural desire to be near Rick necessitated that she stay firmly in place.

He tried to pull her closer, so that she'd sit on his lap, but she knew first hand how much pain his shoulder and torso was in and resisted.

When her lower back began to cramp from bending over to kiss him, she stood and stretched.

"I wish I could hold you tonight," he murmured.

"I know Babe, I do too."

Kate realized immediately that the endearment slipped from her lips. She didn't recall ever using one before but it felt natural and Rick didn't comment so she let it drop.

Noticing how tired he was getting and knowing that soon the nurse would separate them Kate looked around quickly to see if there was a way that maybe they could cuddle a bit before he had to leave.

Quickly, she pushed him over so that his chair was next to the small loveseat. Then Kate climbed up and sat on the arm of the loveseat and draped her arm carefully over his shoulders, being extra careful of his injuries. Once settled, he shifted ever so slightly so that he could lean into her side. Just being so close to each other was all they needed to relax, and were soon both fast asleep.

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: So now that everyone is out of immediate danger, and the shock of it all is wearing off, maybe clearer heads can prevail!**

**I hope this chapter will help to get you through a week with no new Castle. I think time will pass slowly as we wait for The Blue Butterfly.**

**Thank you for all your great feedback over the last couple chapters. You are all very kind!**

**Have a great day! I'll see you again next week!**

**DeBo81**


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 23 Review:**

*** Kate spends the day in the hospital recovering from her break down. She talks with Dr. Burke and agrees to go on anxiety medicine.**

***Jim visits. Kate sends him home to rest but not before he drops a hint for a future with grandchildren.**

***Gates visits Kate. Though compassionate and sympathetic, she tells Kate that she is officially taking Kate and Johanna Beckett's cases and will personally oversee them.**

***Martha visits to bring Kate some things, deliver a note from Rick and have a little motherly conversation.**

***Rick convinces a nurse to bring him to Kate. She asks him to drop her case once and for all. He agrees if she will too. She can't promise that. Unable to agree on the matter, they let it drop for the time being so that they can enjoy the small amount of time they have together before he has to go back to his room.  
><strong>

Chapter 24

By late morning the next day, Kate had her discharge papers in hand, and the backpack Martha brought, slung over her shoulder.

Jim waited patiently in a chair near the nurses station as she signed, not paper work but copies of various Nikki Heat books, several nurses had brought in.

When she was done, the father and daughter stepped into the elevator and headed up to Rick.

"My daughter the celebrity!" He teased. "Don't let it go to your head."

"Ha! It's not going anywhere near my head. I don't really like it, but when people are so kind and sweet, signing a couple books is the least I can do."

"I'm proud of you Katie. Many people would use your position, both as the inspiration of a beloved literary character and even more so as the girlfriend of a rich and famous author, for their own gain. But it hasn't changed you."

"I don't know, I'd say I've changed some."

"You've grown, not changed. And the fame isn't what did it."

Thankfully the doors opened before she had to reply.

Rick had been moved again, so Kate checked the room number she'd written down before heading down the long hall.

Jim kept up with her step for step. "If you don't mind me stepping in to say hi to Rick, I'd like that, but then I'll head downstairs to the cafeteria for some coffee. You take all the time you want. I'm not going anywhere."

"You don't have to go downstairs. You can stay if you want."

"You guys don't need your old man hanging around."

Kate knocked on the door as she entered.

Rick was sitting up watching "The View", but he quickly shut it off.

"Don't turn if off on my account," Kate teased, "I'd think that being surrounded by women all the time, that would be the last show you'd choose to watch."

"Well normally it wouldn't be my first choice but James was on today."

"James?" Jim Beckett asked.

"Uh, my friend, James Patterson."

"Oh yes! I've read his Alex Cross books. They're fine, but I'm more of a Nikki Heat fan myself."

"Well I'm sure that is an unbiased judgment if I've ever heard one." Kate stated dryly, causing all three to laugh.

Still chuckling, Jim extended a hand toward Rick, exchanging a hearty handshake. "Now, Rick, I know you and my daughter are competitive, but just because she went and got herself shot didn't mean you had to run out and collect a bullet too. We all know you're as brave as she is. You didn't have to prove it."

"Now you tell me!"

Kate was grateful for her father's ability to break the ice. It seemed to put them all at ease.

"Seriously though, Son, how ya doing?"

"In all truth, I've been better. But I feel better today than yesterday, and tomorrow hopefully even better still. My orthopedic surgeon seemed happy with my prognosis this morning, so now I'm waiting for the pulmonologist to come back tonight and give me her opinion."

"You just take it easy, do as the doctor says, and I'm sure you'll be up and about in no time."

"I hope so!"

"Well kids I'm gonna head out, and let you two be alone. Katie, like I said, take your time. Between the endless supply of coffee downstairs and my new kindle, I can be occupied for hours."

"Thanks Dad."

"Yeah, thanks for stopping by Jim."

After the elder Beckett left the room, Kate bent over the bed and kissed Rick soundly.

"I missed you too," Rick chuckled when they broke apart. "So I'm assuming you didn't bribe anyone to come see me. You've been released?"

"Yeah, blood pressure's back to normal but I have to see my GP for a follow up. And I'm back to having appointments with Dr. Burke every week and not just every other."

"I think that's good, at least for now."

"Also, um, I'm on Xanax for anxiety. It's a very low dose and right now it's temporary, but... yeah."

Kate could tell that he was surprised.

"If that's what you and Dr. Burke feel is what's right for you, then good. I'm glad you accepted the medicine."

She shrugged.

Several moments of silence passed before Kate reached out and took Rick's hand, stroking the back of it with her thumb.

"Rick, I want to apologize for the other night."

"No, you don't have..."

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Don't interrupt. I do have to, because I feel awful for how I left you. Here you are, barely conscious, and I couldn't even be there for you. I let my fears dictate me and I made some bad decisions, which not only scared you and others I care about, but I know it had to hurt you too. I NEVER meant to do that. I'm sorry for being a coward."

"Kate look at me. You are NOT a coward. You are braver than anyone I know. Yeah, you ran away, but I don't believe for a second that you were running from me. I know that you were running from the situation. Yes, I was scared _for_ you and I hurt _for_ you but I never felt hurt _by_ you. And that's an important distinction."

"You're not supposed to be making me feel better. I'm supposed to be helping you."

"And you are. You're here, holding my hand."

"I want to do more for you."

"I don't need anything else."

Kate raised a skeptical eyebrow at him.

"Fine, you know what would make me feel better?"

Several thoughts came to mind, but she quickly pushed them away. Obviously under the circumstances none of those were possible.

"I just want to see you smile."

Instinctively her lips raised into a curve.

"That's a good start, but I want a real one. One that reaches your eyes and tinges your cheeks."

At first she felt her smile was forced, but the more she stared into his eyes, the more the love radiated through her until she was able to fulfill his desire.

"Oh man, maybe you should stop smiling like that. I'm sure its gonna have my heart pounding in a minute and I'd hate to have the nurses interrupt."

The smile stayed though, because for the first time in what seemed like forever, even though it had only been a couple days, Kate felt alive again. Rick was going to be OK. They were going to be alright.

"Has your doctor mentioned how long you have to have to stay here?"

"Dr. McCreary, my surgeon, has pretty much cleared me, assuming I don't develop any fever or infection over night. And Dr. Dubashi, my pulmonologist, makes her rounds in the evenings, but I'm breathing fine and my lungs don't hurt, so I'm guessing she'll release me soon."

"Good!"

"Are you staying at your place tonight or mine?"

"Hopefully my place, although my Dad wants me to stay at his place."

"Did the doctor say you shouldn't be alone?"

Kate swung her head back and forth. "No, he just worries."

"I can understand that."

"I don't need a babysitter."

"No, I'm sure you don't, but it might give him peace of mind."

XXXXXXXXXX

Kate sat with Rick for almost two hours before his pain medications began to make him sleepy.

"Babe, why don't you go home and get some rest. I'll call you tonight."

"I can send Dad home and just hang out."

"I know, but I'm sure I'll sleep for a while. Go on home. But if you miss me too much, you know where to find me."

"Are you trying to kick me out?" she teased, but he didn't laugh. "Are you?"

"Actually, I kinda am. Alexis is bringing dinner so we can eat together, and we need to talk."

"Oh." A good portion of the guilt Kate had been able to push away crept back in.

"When I get home, we all need to talk as a family, but first, I think it would be good if the two of us just have a heart to heart."

Between the guilt she felt toward Rick's daughter, and the mention that they would have to talk as a family, Kate became a little overwhelmed, and just stood there awkwardly.

"Kate, are you going to be OK sitting down with Lex and I in a couple days?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's important. We should."

"Good! And don't worry about it... I'm sure it will all work out."

When Kate left a little while later she carried her worries about the Alexis situation with her.

XXXXXXXXXXX

After discussing the situation at length, the two Becketts finally came to a compromise. Kate wanted to go home and Jim didn't want her to be alone, so he was going to stay at her place for the night.

When they got back to her place, after making stops at his apartment and a market down the street, Kate heeded her father's suggestion to relax and ran a bubble bath, while he did one of the things he loved best, cook his little girl a giant, delicious meal.

While the tub filled, Kate undressed, wrapped herself in a robe and glanced around her room, thinking about all that had happened from Rick suggesting they move in together through both of them ending up in the hospital.

Various things in her room influenced her thoughts... the photo of her and her mom at her high school graduation, the drawer holding her badge and gun, her closet filled to overflowing with both her and Rick's clothes, and her journal. But nothing captured her attention like the stack of bricks along her wall.

A quick count told her there was forty-eight bricks along her wall, four on her dresser and she knew there were dozens more stashed under her bed and throughout the rest of her apartment. Each one represented a step forward, a personal victory, another barrier removed. Yet less than two days ago she'd come so close to throwing it all away.

She didn't remember a lot about the night she spent wondering the city, but one thing she did remember was sitting in front of a park fountain, considering leaving everything and everyone behind and starting over somewhere else. She knew if she stayed in the city she'd never be able to free herself of her past, never be able to cut ties with those she loved so much and would miss so dearly, never really let go. But in a moment of clarity she realized she couldn't do that for many reasons, but especially not to Rick. His biggest hurt in life had come from someone not being able to face what life dealt them and running away with his tail between his knees. No, she wouldn't make the same mistake his father had. If she was going to sever their relationship, she'd do it to his face, even if it killed her.

And that was the last plan of action she'd decided on before blacking out. Now in the light of day and with a clear mind, she knew that was not an option.

Yes they'd had a terrifying set back, but she was not going to put these bricks back up. She'd come too far. They'd come too far.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Rick was kept in the hospital an extra night after the doctor found some fluid in his injured lung. After responding quickly to medication, he was released almost five days after being admitted.

Kate brought him home and carried his bags in while Martha put out some of his favorite snacks and Alexis hurried around trying to make her father comfortable. He, of course, lavished in the attention bestowed upon him by his three favorite women and told them how he could get used to feeling like such a king.

Once he was settled, Kate joined Martha in the kitchen, while Alexis curled up against her dad's side. Kate had been nervous about returning to the Castle loft, but so far everything seemed fairly normal.

After dinner, Martha helped clean up but then excused herself for the evening. Her acting school's performance of The Music Man would be opening in less than a month, so she spent many evenings there either at rehearsal or overseeing prop and costume production.

When she left, Alexis also attempted to excuse herself, claiming she had to study, but everyone knew that wasn't really true. She'd only been taking one class all semester and she'd mentioned on more than one occasion that it failed to challenge her.

"Honey," Rick called from his place on the couch, "You can study in a minute. Right now will you stay here and have a little talk?"

The young woman looked as uncomfortable as Kate felt, earning her sympathy, but she complied anyway, plopping down in the over-stuffed chair facing her dad.

Rick also waved Kate over, bringing them all together.

"I don't want this to be some big formal thing, I've talked with both of you separately and I think we're all OK, but I just wanted to make sure we got a chance to talk open and honestly as a family too."

At Rick's mention of family, Kate shot her gaze to Alexis, gauging her reaction. She seemed neither surprised or offended by the term. Maybe they were on a better standing than she thought.

When neither woman visibly reacted, he continued. "First of all, I want to tell you both how much I love you. It kills me to know know how upset you both were this weekend. I don't wanna re-hash all that right now, but I want you to know that I really listened to what you've both said to me, and because of that, I've made a decision."

Alexis turned toward Kate, questioning with her eyes, but she was equally intrigued.

"I would do anything to keep you guys safe, even if it puts me in danger. BUT.. that being said, by mutual request, I'm no longer looking into either Kate or Johanna's cases."

"Really?" Alexis excitement wasn't well hidden.

"Yes, at least for the foreseeable future. Higher powers are taking it over and I think that's probably for the best."

Kate was divided between relief and regret. There was still so much that troubled her concerning the past that was left so open, but this was the time to focus on the future.

Alexis stood up and carefully hugged her dad, then turned back to Kate. "Are you mad?"

"Mad? Why would I be mad?"

She hesitated while picking her words. "Because I'm happy my Dad's dropping the case. Because I asked him to stop following it. Because at the hospital I was horrible to you even though you were as worried as I was."

"No, Alexis, I'm not. This is what's best for all of us. And I understand you being so upset. There's no hard feelings."

"But I blamed you, for my Dad getting shot. I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted."

In a moment of instinct, Kate opened her arms wide and Alexis stepped into the hug.

While their heads were close, Alexis whispered. "Dad told me that he asked you to move in. Just so you know, if and when you're ready, I'm all for it."

"Thank you, Lex, that means the world to me. And I'm sorry that your dad got into such a dangerous situation because of me."

Alexis shrugged. "I'm glad he's found someone to love who's worth that risk."

XXXXXXXXXXX

With the air cleared, the three settled onto the couch to watch Storage Wars but were quickly dozing off. It was still quite early when they decided to turn in. It had been too long since any of them got a good night's sleep.

The next morning Kate woke early like she would if she were actually headed in to work. The sun shone in between the curtains, laying a golden path across the bed. A bird cooed on the ledge of the half-open window and a warm breeze kissed her cheeks, promising another beautiful May day.

She stretched and turned to her side so that she could watch Rick sleep. One half of his bare chest was smooth and tan. The side farther from her was bandaged, bruised and stitched.

Gently, she ran her fingers along his skin, tracing the edges where the greenish purple hues began. Unfortunately, she knew first hand how uncomfortable he probably was, even while asleep, so she was thankful that he appeared to be resting well.

Kate thought about getting up, maybe preparing a big breakfast, but she didn't have the willpower to leave Rick's side. She was too content to move, too comfortable, too... at home.

The realization struck her hard and fast, as if she'd been hit in the gut. She'd always felt welcome and at ease in the loft, and since they'd begun dating, that had magnified a hundred fold, but it had never before felt like home.

Now though, as she lay at Rick's side, in his bed, in his room, in his house... she knew she was where she belonged. She knew that this was where she wanted to be.

Kate let the realization soak in. She belonged with Rick, in every imaginable way.

Part of her was actually surprised that the epiphany didn't have her running away, searching for a reason not to just dive in and embrace the possibilities.

At some point Rick stirred and opened his eyes.

_Damn he has the most beautiful eyes._

"Good morning, Gorgeous! Been awake long?"

"Nu-uh." She murmured into his lips as she kissed him good morning.

"I love waking up next to you," he whispered huskily.

"I was just thinking the same thing."

"Well that explains the smile then."

Kate took a breath to tell Rick that it was more than just waking up with him , that she was ready to take the next step in their relationship; but before she mustered up the courage, he threw back the covers, and gingerly moved to get up.

She crawled a little closer to help him stand without straining his shoulder or side.

As Rick shuffled toward the bathroom, he kept talking, "Doc said I can shower again, today. Wanna give me a hand?"

"I think that could be arranged. Go on, I'll be in soon."

Yes, this was definitely where she wanted to be. Now she just needed to find the right moment to tell him.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Kate sprinkled powdered sugar over the two plates of strawberry crepes, and slid a plate across the counter to Rick. "So I'm thinking about taking my notes about my mom's case into Gates."

"Really?"

"Yeah, if she's going to take this on, she needs to be armed with as much information as possible. It's the only way she'll get anywhere."

"What about Montgomery?"

"I don't have anything about him in my stuff."

Rick nodded, while obviously deep in thought. I have a zip drive you should take then too. I'll make sure I don't put anything about Roy's connections on it either."

"Can you have it ready by tomorrow?"

"I can have it for you in a couple hours."

The rest of the meal was spent talking about what exactly Gates should know.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Late that afternoon, after Alexis came home and while Rick was sleeping, Kate left the loft with a messenger bag of documents and computer disks. She made a quick stop home to pick up more files and feed her fish, then Beckett headed in to the 12th.

Ryan was the first to see her when the elevator doors slid open. Though he was talking on the phone, his surprise at seeing her in the station was quite evident.

As she headed through the bull pen, Esposito waved to Kate through the window of the lounge and several others turned and watched her pass. From the curious glances and heads bent together whispering, it was obvious that the rumor mill was in full swing.

Gates answered almost as soon as Beckett knocked on the office door. Kate entered and shut the door firmly behind her.

"Sir, do you have a few minutes?"

"Detective, I don't care if you've been cleared by your doctor or not, you cannot convince me to let you return until June 1st, and that's final."

"I understand. That's not what this is about."

The Captain's intrigue was piqued. She put her pen down, along with her glasses, and sat back in her chair. "Have a seat."

Kate did so, and lifted the leather bag to her lap.

"Captain, now that you've re-opened mine and my mother's cases, I think it's important that you have copies of my notes and files."

Gates didn't speak. She only raised an eyebrow and reached for the pile of folders and envelopes that Beckett proffered.

Quickly but studiously, Gates began opening the materials and skimming them over. More than once she made a note on a pad of paper or added a post-it tab to a document.

Kate wasn't sure if she should stay or leave, but since Gates had in no way dismissed her, she just continued to sit awkwardly watching her boss work. It reminded her of a time in college when she'd written a paper for a professor that was so hard he was known as "The Executioner". Because of an illness she'd missed class and had to deliver the paper directly to his office, where he proceeded to read and grade it in front of her.

Two minutes turned into five. Five into ten. Eventually, Gates looked up again. "Is this all?"

"Yes, I believe so."

"Are you sure? I'd be happy to let you re-think that."

Instinct told Kate she was trapped. Gates knew something or was looking for something that she believed Kate had. She immediately thought about Montgomery but dismissed it. Nothing in what she had provided implicated him in the slightest. It must be something else.

"Captain, with all due respect, I'm not sure I know what you're asking. To my knowledge you have everything."

"That's interesting, because I know that you know more than what is in here," she stated coolly while tapping her manicured finger on the stack of papers on her desk. "I've done my homework, Beckett. The last few days I've done almost nothing but review everything I could find concerning these cases. I can see why this hasn't been solved yet. Everyone who we know has been involved, is dead."

Kate didn't like where this was going.

"That alone makes it near impossible."

Kaye shifted in her seat. "True."

"It makes it even harder when your superior officer is hiding evidence isn't it?"

A sick feeling poured into Kate's gut.

"Sir?"

"I know Montgomery was involved."

A cold sweat began to trickle down her back.

Captain Gates leaned in slightly. "I spent too long in IA to miss that. When I realized all known leads were dead, including 2 retired cops, I couldn't help but notice another cop died while involved with the case. When I looked back and found the connection between Raglan, McCallister and Montgomery, things started falling into place."

She was dumbfounded. This is exactly what they wanted to prevent from happening.

"Look, I know he was your friend and you want to protect him. And it seems like he was a really good cop who made some bad mistakes... probably even with good intentions. So if you can tell me everything... including Montgomery, I will do my best to keep things concerning him quiet. I'm not looking to drag his name through the mud or anything like that. I just want justice to be served. Too many have been killed or injured to let this just fall between the cracks."

So Kate reluctantly told her everything she knew. Gates took meticulous notes and asked dozens of questions, which instead of bothering Kate, encouraged her to know she was taking this so seriously. When they were finished, the captain said she planned to have similar discussions with Ryan, Esposito and Castle in the near future.

"I want to assure you, that I'm going to be very discriminating on who I have working on this with me. I know a few people who can help, that I trust implicitly. One in IA, Captain Barnes, one retired from Homicide at the 9th, Det. Garcia, and because I think this is bigger than than the NYPD's jurisdiction, I want to contact one of my dearest friends who's in the FBI, Agent Shaw."

"Jordan Shaw?"

"You know her?" Gates asked.

"We worked together a couple years ago."

"Then I'm sure you understand why I trust her."

"Actually I do."

"Very good then." Gates began to gather everything and organize them into a large portfolio. "Detective, I can't promise that we'll solve this. But I give you my word, I'll give it my all."

"Thank you, Sir. I really appreciate it."

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: Well just a brief note this evening since I'm posting this MUCH later that I expected today, but things came up unexpectedly and I went with it. **

**As you may have noticed, the story is starting to wrap up. I think there will only be another 2 _maybe_ 3 chapters left. The thing is, I'm not exactly sure when those will be posted. I HOPE I will be able to give you the next chapter on Monday, but I will be having knee surgery this Thursday and I have no idea if that will give me more time to write/edit or if I'll be spending three or four days sleeping off the good pain meds.**

**Just know that if you don't see anything from me Monday... I haven't forgotten and will post ASAP!**

**Thank you all for reading. You know I love you!**

**Enjoy The Blue Butterfly. I'll see you again soon!**

**DeBo81**


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 24 Review:**

***Kate is discharged from the hospital and visits Rick.**

***Rick gets released, and once home, has a family conversation with Kate and Alexis where he tells them he'll step away from Kate's mom's case.**

***Kate realizes that home is where the heart is, and that means wherever Rick is. She decides to accept Rick's offer to move in together, and is waiting for the right moment to tell him.**

***Kate gives all her notes about her mom's case to Gates, only to find out that Gates had already figured out Montgomery's involvement. Gates assures Kate that she's not out to tarnish Montgomery's reputation, just to find the truth, which will mean bringing in some trusted friend's including Agent Shaw.**

Chapter 25

Today Kate didn't feel much like sitting in the big brown leather chair. Instead, she gripped her coffee cup while standing, staring wordlessly out the window.

"Kate?"

"Hmmmm?"

"You didn't answer my question."

"I'm sorry. Could you repeat it?"

"I asked if you'd experienced any side effects to the Xanax." Dr. Burke repeated.

"Uh, no. No. It's been fine."

"Good. I know for most people it takes a couple weeks, but do you feel that it's started working?"

"I don't know, maybe. I mean I'm not weeping in the corner or afraid to go out, but I'm not numb and unfeeling either."

"The intent was never to hinder emotion, but to help you find a desired level of emotional control."

Kate didn't respond.

The doctor made some notes, and then sat back and observed her quietly. Kate didn't notice, nor did she care. She'd grown accustomed to his quiet study of her and her situation. She just returned her attention to the sprawling city just outside the large pane of glass.

"I can't help but notice your distraction today. Would you like to talk about it?"

She sipped her coffee slowly, allowing the steamy liquid to slip down her throat, leaving a trail of heat in it's wake.

"Most people think of anniversaries as a time to celebrate. Unfortunately, most of the anniversaries in my life mark pain or loss."

"And today is one of those anniversaries?"

Kate bit her bottom lip until it hurt and nodded dismally.

"Captain Montgomery?"

"Yeah," she answered, the hoarseness in her voice making it sound foreign even to her.

"This morning I drove to the cemetery to place flowers on his grave, but I never even got out of the car. His family was there, and I just couldn't face them. They were robbed of a husband and father, and for what?" Kate began to pace. "Evelyn, his wife, has aged. If I ran into her on the street I might not have even recognized her. And his kids, they've grown up so much, even I could see that. He should have been here to see that too. I know that he made some mistakes in his life, but Roy was a good man, a REALLY GOOD man. I know he thought that facing his demons would atone for those mistakes and also save me by default, but he's gone, and those sins still exist whether he's here to answer for them or not, and I was still in danger. His death was absolutely senseless."

"From what you've told me, he didn't believe his death would be in vain. In fact, I believe you told me he said he was making a stand. I'm sure that throughout time, many a hero has fallen for a greater cause, but to those feeling the loss, it was still a senseless death. Perhaps, especially in situations like this, the loss of life is only senseless if we perceive it that way."

XXXXXXXXXXX

"How'd your appointment go? You look... less burdened," Rick asked when Kate arrived back at the loft.

"Pretty good. Dr. Burke has a knack for putting things into perspective."

"He seems like a good guy."

"He is. And if you want... you can meet him."

"You want me to come to a session with you?

"No, not a regular session. If you're feeling up to it though, Dr Burke wants to meet up with us at the cemetery. It'll be one year since the shooting."

"I still can't believe it's been a whole year.. Yeah I'll go with you. I think it will be good for both of us."

"I hope. I'm not looking forward to it. Today is bad enough."

Rick lifted his uninjured arm to Kate, who snuggled against his side.

Silence dominated the room while they explored their thoughts and memories. Kate's eyes were closed when Rick's chest began to bounce. At first she thought he was having trouble breathing but when she sat up, realized that she was chuckling.

"What?" she asked.

"I was just thinking about if Roy were here now, how he'd love to see us finally together."

The image broke through the black cloud around her heart and brought a grin to her face. "You're right. I know he thought he was being subtle, and I refused to acknowledge it, but he had a bit of a romantic matchmaker in him didn't he?"

"More than you know."

"What's that supposed to mean."

"I can't say. He swore me to secrecy."

"No, no, no, if it involves me I want to know."

Rick kissed the tip of her nose and then pulled back to consider the request.

"I suppose all things considered now, he wouldn't care. But don't spread it around."

Kate was intrigued.

"One day, not long after Gina and I broke up, I had a poker night, and Montgomery came. It was a bad night for all of us, except Tony Rush, who was cleaning up. And the more we lost, the more we drank. Well Roy had had more than usual when Weldon asked me if the papers were right about the break up. I confirmed it and then Roy says... 'Finally you're both single again. Maybe this time you'll get it right. I was thinking I was going to have to set up something where you two would have to go under cover together for a week or something, but I didn't want to put you in a position where you might cheat on anyone.' I was stunned but all I could think of saying was that you were with Josh."

"What did he say about that?"

"I believe the quote was, "Dammit, but you make her so happy."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Oh my god, you're making that up."

"Scout's honor."

"You were never a scout."

"It's still the honest truth. The next day he called me and made me promise not to say anything about what he'd said, cuz it was just the alcohol talking."

"That man..." Kate said in exaggerated chagrin.

But Rick finished for her "...loved you like a daughter and only wanted the best for you."

"And you're what's best for me?"

"You tell me. Am I?"

She nodded slowly while closing the space between them. "Yes," she kissed him lightly, "Yes you are."

The kiss was awkward due to Rick's one arm being sore and in a sling, but the passion was still there.

Kate's heart lept and she knew she'd found her moment.

"Baby," she said against Rick's lips. When he wouldn't let her break away to speak,"Rick?" she tried again.

"Hmmmmm?" he answered against her.

When his mouth left hers so that it could trail hot kisses down her neck, she was finally able to talk.

"Remember the other day, you asked me a question that I couldn't answer yet?"

It must have taken a little while for the question to penetrate his aroused mind, but she knew exactly when it did. He pulled back just enough to look in her eyes. "Yes."

"I'm ready."

"To answer?" he asked tentatively.

"To live with you... if the offer is still out there."

"Of course it is! Really? You want to move in?"

"I do. I've realized that living with you doesn't change me, it completes me. Whenever I'm with you, I'm home."

"I love you so much Kate."

"I know, maybe even as much as I love you."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Saturday May 19, 2012

1 year.

12 months.

52 weeks.

365 days.

I still remember it as if it were yesterday.

On May 19, 2011, I woke up after a long fitful night and prepared to say goodbye to a man I loved and respected. A man who understood the roles of authority and quietly led by example. A man who was supervisor, commander, father and friend all in one. A man who made his stand and by doing so, willingly took a bullet meant for me.

How do you say goodbye to a man like that? How do you sum up that man's life in a few carefully chosen words?

Several hours before the funeral, Rick, Kevin and Javi came over and we shared a private moment. We hadn't planned it. It just happened. Rick came over to check on me, just as Ryan and Esposito showed up at my building with the same intent. At the time I told them I was fine, but I invited them in anyway. I knew I wasn't fine, and I could see they weren't either.

It was a moment of bonding that I'll cherish forever, even though I despise the circumstances in which it came about. That morning we were more than friends and partners. We became a family of the truest sense. And together we mourned our patriarch in a way that no other soul on earth would understand.

By the time the memorial service was underway, I was completely numb. Seeing Roy Montgomery's family tore at my heart. Carrying the weight of the casket felt like carrying the weight of the world.

Rick and I had both been asked to speak before Roy's brother, Rev. Harvey Montgomery gave a brief message. I was both honored and terrified to fulfill the request, and had spent most of the day before, trying to find the right words. Many hours of thought and many more sheets of paper were wasted before I figured out that the words that I needed to share weren't mine, but Roy's.

When I stepped up to the podium, Rick, who'd just finished speaking, stayed near by even though he could have taken a seat. His quiet support, gave me a strength I needed but didn't know I could possess.

Little did I know that his decision to stand by my side probably saved my life. He says that just after I began speaking, he saw something out of the corner of his eye that just put him on alert. It wasn't early enough to prevent the sniper's bullet from hitting me, but his warning was just enough so that I turned slightly. The inch or so of movement was just enough for the bullet to miss my heart.

I never heard the shot. And I'm not even sure that I remember feeling the bullet hit, but I'll never forget the pain of liquid fire spreading through my chest.

I know Rick tackled me to the ground, not knowing if he was putting himself in the way of another bullet. I remember the weight of his body and the inability to take a deep breath as we landed in the grass.

It's odd, but even in the chaos of the moment, my fears, pain and panic vanished for an instant and the only thing I knew in that brief second was the smell of his cologne and that the blue of his eyes were as bright and beautiful as the sky above us.

I don't know why I felt that way or why I remember it so clearly, but I think it will forever be cemented in my mind.

I know I tried to talk but my body didn't respond. The numbing paralysis of shock had taken effect. The only sense that seemed to work after a few seconds, was my hearing, and for that I'm so grateful, because if that had failed me too, I would have missed Rick telling me that he loved me.

I have no way of knowing for sure, but in my heart I believe it was knowing that he loved me that helped me survive. He gave me a reason to fight, to live.

Now a year later, here I am, healthy, strong and for the first time in many years, truly happy. I'll always carry the physical and emotional scars of that day, but like Javi once told me, "Everyone has scars, some are just more visible than others. But we should wear our scars like a badge of honor, not because they remind us of our battles, but that we survived them to live another day."

Today those scars hurt like they've been ripped back open, but with a little help, I know they will heal again, thicker and stronger, so that next time I face these ghosts and wounds, the pain won't be quite as deep.

When Kate had finished putting her thoughts down on paper, she placed the journal in "her" nightstand next to Rick's... correction... their bed. Technically she wouldn't be moving in for another week, but since accepting Rick's invitation, she'd yet to sleep at her apartment.

Rick emerged from the bathroom, dressed in a white t-shirt, black pants and socks, and carrying a black button down shirt.

He held it out toward her as he approached. "Mind giving me a hand?"

Kate took the shirt and held it for him while he gingerly maneuvered his arms into the sleeves. Then she buttoned each button and tucked the hem of the shirt into his pants. "Where's your belt and sling?"

"The sling is next to the sink. I hadn't picked out a belt yet."

She patted his rear and headed to the closet while he fetched the sling for his injured arm.

After she grabbed a belt, she turned and called to Rick. "Jacket and tie too?"

"What did Dr. Burke say? Do we need to dress exactly the same or just similar?"

"He said that we aren't re-creating the day, but that he recommended having things feel similar. That we should dress similar, and he'll have a couple chairs and a podium there just to help us feel some of the details."

"Then I'll skip the tie and just grab a jacket."

Kate took one out and laid it on the bed, before going back to her side of the closet and removing a garment bag.

Carefully she unzipped the long navy bag. She'd never worn this uniform yet. It was a replacement for the one she'd worn last year.

The police dress uniform always made Kate proud. It was an honor to be one of New York City's finest and the dark material and shiny buttons that were only brought out for special occasions never failed to remind her of that... no matter how somber the occasion.

Once dressed and ready, Kate and Rick headed out of the loft and down to the garage below the building.

Rick handed Kate his key chain. "I thought maybe we could take the SUV today unless you want to drive the Vic."

Kate had never driven the Porsche Cayenne hybrid before but was happy to do so. She didn't want to take the Crown Victoria and Rick's sport's car seemed out of place for what they were doing.

The moment she turned on the car, soft music began to play. Normally she preferred to drive in silence but today she was grateful for the slight distraction.

Normally when she drove, Rick rested his hand on her thigh, but with that arm slung snugly to his chest, she missed the familiar gesture.

Neither Kate or Rick spoke as they drove through the streets, so when the radio changed from a commercial to an introduction of a Jason Mraz song, they both noticed.

The guitar's first strums were soft and sad, matching the emotional climate of the vehicle, drawing Kate into the melody.

When I look into your eyes  
>It's like watching the night sky<br>Or a beautiful sunrise  
>There's so much they hold.<br>And just like them old stars  
>I see that you've come so far<br>To be right where you are.  
>How old is your soul?<p>

I won't give up on us  
>Even if the skies get rough.<br>I'm giving you all my love.  
>I'm still looking up.<p>

And when you're needing your space  
>To do some navigating<br>I'll be here patiently waiting  
>To see what you find.<p>

'Cause even the stars they burn  
>Some even fall to the earth.<br>We've got a lot to learn  
>God knows we're worth it.<br>No, I won't give up.

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily.  
>I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make.<br>Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use  
>The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake.<br>And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend  
>For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn.<br>We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in.  
>I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not<br>And who I am.

I won't give up on us  
>Even if the skies get rough.<br>I'm giving you all my love  
>I'm still looking up.<br>Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up).  
>God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved).<br>We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved).  
>God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it).<p>

I won't give up on us  
>Even if the skies get rough.<br>I'm giving you all my love  
>I'm still looking up.<p>

By the time the song ended Kate could feel hot tears pricking at the backs of her eyes. She fought hard and succeeded to keep them at bay, but it wasn't easy.

A quick look to her side told her, that Rick was also moved by the song. She reached over and dropped her hand to his thigh, giving it a meaningful squeeze until he covered her hand with his.

"I don't know what I'd do or who I'd be without you in my life, Kate. Thank you for taking a chance on me"

"I'm learning that the best things in life are worth the greatest risks. Without you, I wouldn't know real happiness. Thank you for being patient and not giving up on me, even when I pushed you away."

"I could never give up on you."

XXXXXXXXXXX

As the car slowly wound it's way through the curving roads of the cemetery, Kate noticed that another funeral was taking place not far from where Montgomery was laid to rest. It wasn't so close that they'd be interfering, but close enough that large flags flapping in the wind were visible, and the military drum and pipe band could be clearly heard.

Before they pulled to a stop behind Dr. Burke's car, Rick had already pointed out the man sitting in a small row of chairs.

"You ready to do this?" Rick asked.

"Yeah. I think so."

Rick leaned over and captured her lips briefly before they got out of the car.

The sound of the car doors closing must have alerted the doctor of their presence because that was when he turned, stood and began walking toward them.

When the three met up, Kate made the introductions.

"Dr. Burke, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Rick Castle. Rick, Dr. Carter Burke."

"Nice to meet you, Doctor," Rick greeted, "Kate has told me a lot about you."

"It's good to meet you too. I'd say Kate's told me a lot about you as well, but I'd hate to break patient confidentiality."

The "therapist joke" earned half smiles from both Kate and Rick.

"In all seriousness though, I'm glad you both decided to come here today. Much like happy anniversaries of weddings, births and such can emotionally bring a person back to a day we want to remember; anniversaries of trauma can be just as vivid, perhaps more so, of a day we'd often like to forget. I've found that with my patients experiencing PTSD, revisiting the trauma, in some way, on these anniversaries can help the victim distance themselves from the incident. This helps the survivor see that the trauma is over; that life continues on even when memories try to freeze us in time."

Rick nodded. Kate bit her bottom lip.

"What I'd like you to do first, is just walk around the area, separately or together, and just take note of things that are the same as last year and the things that are different. Take this time to also reflect on what personally is the same and what has changed. Take your time. Don't rush it. Try to use all your senses. We'll talk when you're both ready."

Dr. Burke moved away from the grave site and stood under a tree watching them discreetly.

At first Kate didn't move. She looked around the immediate grounds and just wondered how a year could have already passed.

She wasn't sure how much time passed before Rick took her hand, but when he did, they walked to Roy's headstone together.

Kate dropped to her knees and ran her white gloved hands across the name engraved into the cool stone. On either side of the humble monument stood a small American flag. Sweet scented bouquets of flowers surrounded them, and a florist's ribbon that proclaimed "loving father" danced in the breeze.

Kate closed her eyes and tried to picture Roy as he really was. Not the body bleeding out on an airplane hanger's floor, but the man among men, whom they all loved. Like she'd learned so many years ago with her mother, although she could still bring a picture to mind, time made it harder and harder to do so.

The sound of drums and bagpipes again floated toward them from the nearby funeral, bringing Kate back to when she, Rick, Ryan, Esposito, Collins and Brayburn carried the Captain to his final resting place. Kate stood and walked up the slight hill to where the hearse had been parked. From where she stood, she could see lawns full of white grave markers; respectful reminders of the men and women who'd selflessly served their country and community.

She watched as Rick stared out toward a cluster of trees. She knew from experience and from reviewing reports that he was looking out toward where the sniper had waited for his chance to strike. The detective in her wanted to see what he saw, wanted to know if maybe being back in the same place she would see something or remember something that would be helpful to the case. Even though they were pretty sure they'd got her sniper, there were still many questions left unanswered, and if she could shine some more light onto it, maybe... Her thoughts trailed off. She didn't even know what "maybe" she could hope for. It wouldn't bring people back. Would it make any difference at all?

Kate approached the podium Dr. Burke had set up. In actuality, it wasn't much more than a wooden music stand, but it served it's purpose. She stood behind it, looking out to the small row of chairs. In her mind she could place many familiar faces in them, exactly as they were that day. She closed her eyes and let the warmth of the spring sunshine touch her cheeks, as she tried to picture the scene before the shooting. Parts of the eulogy she had been giving came back to her, as well as other small details like remembering noticing her father sitting next to Martha, and the way Evelyn Montgomery's hands clutched the folded flag in her lap. But never had she noticed anything amiss.

Out of the corner of Kate's eye, she noticed Rick had returned to her side, as he had that day. She turned to him with a sad smile just as the sound of a rifle shot cracked through the air. Kate dove to the ground, with Rick falling on top of her before she realized that they were OK. Two more rifle volleys followed the first, echoing in the silence.

"Baby, get up, she said shakily, as she carefully pushed Rick off of her. "It's OK. It was just the military salute from the other funeral."

"You sure you're OK?" He asked while gripping her hand. His face was white as a ghost.

"I am. What about you? How's your shoulder?" She had to focus on him, here and now, and not on the current fears and past ghosts that sought to control her.

He tried to move his arm slowly. "I'm sure it'll be sore later, but I don't think I did any damage."

Dr. Burke ran up. "Are you guys OK?"

They nodded and stood, while wiping blades of grass from their clothes.

Kate looked around carefully. There was no one else around. "Yeah, I should have been expecting that I guess, but it, uh... startled me."

The three headed to the chairs. Rick and Kate were both still obviously shaken but seemed to be managing.

"I'm happy to see both of you looking surprisingly calm. Do either of you want to talk about what just happened?"

Kate was still sorting it all out for herself and Rick seemed to understand that, so he went first.

"Hearing the shot, especially right here and now, understandably hit close to home. I can't say that it scared me, per say... at least not like last year. I think part of me knew it was OK, but I couldn't stop myself from reacting."

"Instinctive behavior is often what saves us in dangerous situations. Your reaction was certainly quite understandable." Dr. Burke looked from Rick to Kate and then back to Rick again. "Now that you know what the shot was and that you're safe, do you feel paniced or insecure?"

Rick took a deep breath which he blew out his lips. "I'm a little shaky, but not bad."

The doctor nodded. "And what what about you Kate?"

"Um, well... At first I was terrified. It was like I felt the shot hit my chest. But as soon as Rick landed on me, I was more concerned about him. Thankfully I recognized the sounds of the volleys quickly, cuz for a split second I thought he'd been hit. Then everything just became super clear and focused and I knew we were OK. It's funny in a way, because even though I wasn't expecting to be in any danger today, I hadn't felt "OK" all morning. Now after getting the crap scared out of me... I do."

"Interesting. Why do think the scare ended up bringing you an element of comfort?"

She shrugged, unsure. "I don't know. Maybe just knowing that we were OK, helped to remind me that we are going to be OK?"

"Are you asking me or telling me? There's no right or wrong answer. It's what you think and feel."

"I don't really know why. I guess it could be a lot of things, but I do know that I feel..." she looked at Rick who took her hand. "... like I've gotten past something that's been holding me back."

Dr. Burke nodded. "Now that you feel that freedom, what are you going to do with it?"

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X **

**A/N: Hi guys! Thank you for being patient with this late chapter. I figured that being home in bed for a few days last week would allow me more time to write. I didn't count on the pain pills completely knocking me out, stealing my ability for rational thought and giving me the read and comprehension skills of a first grader.**

**Also thank you for all your lovely prayers and well wishes too. I appreciated it. Surgery went well, I'm back on my feet for the most part and feeling pretty good.**

**Well, even though this chapter was late, I'm still planning to post the next chapter Monday. It will most likely be the final chapter as well. It's been fun but all good things must come to an end.**

**If you're looking to find the song used in this chapter, it's called "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. I'd like to thank Teelduo for bringing this song to my attention. I'd never heard it before, and it's just beautiful. It won't let me post a link here, but I'll put a youtube link up on my Twitter and Tumblr (CastleFFDeBo81). I encourage you to check it out.**

**Like the Castle characters, I own no part of this song and use it with utmost respect.**

**I think that's all for this time. Have a great week! Happy Valentine's Day! See you again soon!**

**DeBo81**


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 25 Review:**

***Kate sees Dr. Burke on the anniversary of Montgomery's death. She feels the weight of his death on her shoulders. He talks her through it and helps her come closer to accepting Roy's death.  
><strong>

***After her appointment, she comes back to the loft and Tell's Rick that Dr. Burke would like them to meet him at the cemetery on the anniversary of Roy's funeral and her shooting. This leads to Rick sharing a happy memory of Roy, who always know how good Kate and Rick were for each other.  
><strong>

***Kate journals her perspective of what happened the year before.  
><strong>

***On the anniversary of the shooting they dress much like they did the year before and head to the grave site that it set up similar to the way it was. The car ride is one that's emotional for both Rick and Kate.  
><strong>

***Once at the grave site, the sights and sounds bring Kate back to the day that was almost her last. At a military funeral near by, rifles salute the departed with a volley of gunfire, which sends Kate and Rick to the ground in fear. As soon as they realize what it is, they get up and talk with the doctor. This is when Kate realizes that she wasn't as scared as she would have been not long before. She doesn't spiral out of control. She's finally healing.  
><strong>

**A/N: Fanfiction. net was having a lot of issues last week, and I'm pretty sure that not everyone got their alerts. If this recap doesn't sound familiar to you, I encourage you to take the time to go back and read chapter 25 before continuing. That chapter brought around a lot of closure for Rick and Kate... which leads into chapter 26, the final chapter of Brickwork.  
><strong>

Chapter 26

"Is this staying or going?" Kevin asked Kate as he patted the desk he was sitting on.

"Staying. All the furniture is staying except the bedroom set and the fish tank. And I hired the fish people to move that."

"And why exactly didn't you hire movers for the bedroom furniture and all the boxes?" Javi asked as he arranged two cardboard cartons on top of each other to be carried out.

She carefully removed the last books from the shelf she was clearing off and then dusted the entire shelving unit. "Hey! You're the one who offered to help."

"Cuz otherwise you were going to try to do this all by yourself."

"Rick, Alexis and my dad were going to help."

"Yes, but Castle can't lift anything yet, and no offense to you, your dad or Alexis, but some of this stuff is so heavy it would take all three of you to lift it." Before Kate could respond, Esposito lifted the load he'd prepared and headed down to the van where Jim and Rick were arranging Kate's belongings.

"Well then I should be eternally grateful for your massive strength and primal masculinity!" she called sarcastically after him.

Ryan chuckled as he finished unhooking Kate's computer and electronics. "Don't mind him, he's just pissy cuz the Yankees are loosing."

"I know. He'll get over it soon. I've ordered Livio's for lunch, and nothing tames an irritated Espo like a prime rib and sweet pepper calzone."

She started to tape up some more boxes to fill, but when Ryan didn't respond, she looked up to find him almost drooling.

"Don't worry Kev, I remembered your favorite too."

"The Hawaiian BBQ one with extra caramelized onions?"

While using her teeth to tear off a strip of packing tape, she half nodded and grunted an affirmation.

"Beckett, you are a saint."

"Hey! I gotta treat my boys right."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Forty-five minutes later, Kate, Rick, Jim, Ryan, Jenny, Lanie and Javi were all sitting around enjoying their calzones, salad, calamari and gelatto.

"I thought Alexis was going to be here today," Lanie mentioned.

Rick nodded and quickly swallowed the bite in his mouth. "She was, but when we got so much help, she decided to stay home and do her own packing."

"How do you feel about your only daughter moving out?" Jim asked.

"I'm getting used to it. When she decided to attend NYU, I was thrilled because I figured she'd stay home a few more years. Then she said that she and her friend Lea were planning to get an apartment together, and I... well I was a bit stunned. Then when Kate agreed to move in with me, we talked about what to do with her place, and she suggested subletting it to the girls. It was a good solution for everyone, and now I'm not as hesitant."

"So that's why you're leaving all the furniture!" Jenny exclaimed.

"Yup. The girls are bringing their own beds and dressers, but they don't really have a lot of other furniture, and I don't need it. So it was my graduation gift to Alexis."

"Wow, when I graduated high school I got a laptop!" Lanie teased.

"My parents bought me the closest thing we had to a laptop, a set of encyclopedias." Jim replied, which made everyone laugh.

"So when are they moving in here?"

"Not til July. Lex is leaving Wednesday to go stay with her mom for the month. That's why she's packing up now. When she gets back, we just have to move her things over and she'll be set."

XXXXXXXXXXX

That night, after the van was unloaded at the loft, Kate and Rick headed back to her place to double check that all the closets and cabinets were empty and to pick up the last few bags and boxes.

Even with most of her furniture and some of her decor left behind, the apartment seemed empty.

Kate cleared out a forgotten kitchen cupboard while Rick checked the rest of the apartment.

"Hey," he called, "I never asked; what did you do with all your bricks? Some of those boxes felt like you'd packed them, but they were all marked books."

"The antique ones that I made the planter out of are all at the loft."

"Yeah, I saw those. Did you just dump the rest?"

"Nope."

Rick returned to her side as she stood back up and stretched.

"Are you going to tell me or just make me guess?"

"I took about a dozen of the most important ones, like the first one and the one you gave me after we left the cemetery, to an engraver earlier in the week. They should be ready soon"

"An engraver? I'm intrigued."

"Weeeeeeeeeeell, if you must know. I found a poem I loved and decided to have it etched onto the bricks and then framed in like a large shadow box."

"A poem? Tell it to me."

"I don't have it memorized but hold on, I have it saved on my phone."

After a moment, she found it and passed her phone to him to read.

"Razed Wall by Victoria De Boer

I never saw the sun rise or the glowing fade of day

For everywhere my eyes would rest, stood mortar, bricks and clay.

I knew not what was missing, and was too afraid to learn.

The comfort of my confines smothered curiosity and yearn.

Then one morn came peeking, a sunny ray of light,

From right amid the ramparts of daunting width and height.

The hole, it formed before me. How it grew, I could not fathom,

Until my hero I did spy, razing wall and crossing chasm.

Now freedom, oh so foreign, just past my finger tips,

Promises of joy now raise my once so sullen lips.

Once the stone starts crumbling, no force can halt its fall

Till all that's left between us is the dusty ghost of wall.

I know not how you found me, or why you fought to set me free.

But now that we're together, forever we will be."

Rick handed her the phone back. "That's beautiful. I love that you're making that into a permanent piece. You think it will fit on the mantel?"

"I think so. You don't mind displaying it in the living room?"

"No, it's perfect." He drew her to his chest and rested his cheek against her head.

Rick seemed to forget about the remainder of the bricks and for that she was thankful. She wanted to surprise him with them, but it would have to wait until Monday.

XXXXXXXXXXX

When Monday rolled around and Kate's alarm sounded, Rick moaned and pulled the pillow over his head.

"You're still off and it's a holiday. Why on earth did you set the alarm?"

Though muffled, she understood every word of his complaint.

"It's a surprise. Come on and get up; we need to get there early."

The word 'surprise' seem to motivate him slightly, at least until he looked at the clock. "Kate, it's 5:30 on Memorial Day. What on earth is even open at this hour?"

"Don't worry about it, and come on." She pulled the blankets off his body and dropped them on the floor. "Just throw on a t-shirt and jeans. You can shower later."

By the time he was up, she'd already thrown on a purple tunic and gray leggings and was pulling her hair back into a messy knot.

"I'll go make coffee, meet you down stairs in ten minutes."

When Rick finally appeared in a Captain America t-shirt, jeans and sandals, Kate couldn't help but smile. As gorgeous as he was in an tailored suit, or expensive boxers, he was just as exquisite in a comic book t-shirt and faded jeans.

She sealed the lids of their 'his' and 'hers' travel mugs labeled with the titles "Writer and "Muse". A fan had given them the set at the Valentine's Day book signing, and they'd used them ever since.

After handing him his, she pecked his cheek and grabbed his keys from the end table. "Mind if we take the Cayenne again?"

"Kate, you don't have to ask me to use the cars. What's mine is yours."

It was a sentiment that he'd been telling her for longer than they'd lived together, but it was still both wonderful and strange to her.

She grabbed her bag and a Tupperware dish of coffee cake and headed for the door.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"So where is this surprise?" Rick asked after polishing off his pastry.

"The Henrietta Gibbs Memorial Playground."

"We're going to a playground at six in the morning? Are we trying to beat the preschool rush?"

"No. Today is the opening ceremony. That's at eight. I want to be there and gone before other people arrive."

"I'm confused."

Kate sighed. He wasn't going to give up until she gave him some answers. "Look, the site of this playground used to be the Webster House. It was the NYCHA building that burned down about eight years ago. It was in the news a lot because it wasn't up to code, and could have taken a lot more lives but a grandmother, Henrietta Gibbs, ended up saving about sixteen families before being rescued. Then she died a couple days later from her injuries."

"I do remember that."

"Well the city knocked it down almost right away with promises ranging from erecting a new tenement to building a community center. Nothing happened. The economy fell. People who made promises changed positions. The city forgot about it. It was just a dangerous, vacant lot of rubble that was attracting crime. Well, the locals got mad last year and decided to petition to place a playground and small park district rec center there instead. They got their way and with a bit of city support and a whole lot of private donations, they have their park."

"That's wonderful, but I still don't understand why we're here, right now."

Kate smiled at Rick and then pulled into an empty spot. "Then let me show you."

Both of them left the car and crossed the road to the new playground. The slightly chemical scent of the ground-up, recycled tire floor assailed Kate's nose, but it passed briefly. The bright colors of the play equipment shown in the morning sun, and the sound of the water babbling in the central fountain, practically hummed.

When she looked toward the fountain she spotted what she was looking for.

Kate led Rick by the hand to the cobbled path dividing the play center from the plush lawn.

"Ta-da" she announced with a sweep of her hand.

She could see that he was already figuring it out.

"Are these your bricks?"

"The ones I didn't keep, yes."

His eyes roamed the length of the path. "I never realized you had so many."

"They aren't all mine. Only a hundred and sixty of them are. The rest were donated by a local masonry union. But all of ours are engraved."

As they looked at the clay bricks below them, they could see that every foot or so, one contained an inscription.

"About a month ago, actually the week you were in the Hamptons, I heard about the park project and their search for last minute donations. One of the items needed was brick. I called and spoke with a man who said that they could use what I had and asked if I'd like to have a memorial plaque placed with them or any other request. I told him that I thought it would be nice if the names of Mrs. Gibbs and the other four people who died in the fire could be placed on the bricks and that I would be willing to pay for the engraving. He thanked me and said it would be put into action. A day later he called back and asked if I would mind if they sold memorial inscriptions for all my bricks as a way to raise funds for the park's expenses. I told him that would be fine and then proceeded to buy the first three."

Rick was now slowly walking the pathway, reading each brick that they passed.

"Last week I got an email telling me where I could find my 3 pavers. They should be near that tree."

Silently, hand in hand, they walked onward, reading each brick as they went. When they arrived by the tree, Kate spotted the first of the ones she'd had inscribed.

In loving memory of

Captain Roy Montgomery

Beloved mentor and friend

Rick squeezed her hand and then turned away slightly to wipe his face. When he turned back she saw no signs that he was crying, but the slight dampness of the back of his hand betrayed him.

A few steps farther was another of her inscriptions.

Nicholas Wesley Alexander

who loved the only way he knew how

Kate wasn't sure how Rick would react to this one. She hadn't asked him for permission, but somehow felt it was the right things to do.

He dropped one knee to the ground and ran his fingers over his father's name.

"It's true. I may not appreciate how he lived out that love, but it doesn't make it any less true."

Kate rubbed Rick's shoulder gently. "So you're not upset?"

"No. Far from it. Thank you so much."

After a few minutes of silence he stood again and they closed the space to her final brick.

Johanna Rose Beckett

Beloved wife and mother

May you live on, in us and through us

We love you

Seeing her mother's memorial stone moved Kate but she was able to hold her composure. Yes, she missed her, and yes she longed for answers concerning her death, but she could finally accept that she was gone.

Rick wrapped his good arm around her waist and pulled her tightly against his side.

"I realized that as much as the bricks meant to me, I couldn't keep them all. The stacks were beginning to wall me in again. And since you gave them to me to represent what was torn down, I hated seeing them as a wall. The figurative bricks we tore down together became the foundation to our relationship and my recovery and that's what I wanted for their physical counterparts as well. I've learned this year, that there will always be these bricks and stumbling stones in my life, but it's what I do with them that matters. Now these bricks are a foundation for others as well, maybe even a path for someone else's recovery."

Rick dipped his head to her and kissed her so soundly that soon her legs began to grow weak.

"Katherine Beckett, this is why I love you. You are an amazing woman; don't you ever forget that."

She rested her head on his chest and listened to his heart. It was a sound she'd never take for granted.

After a long while, she pulled away. "There's one more thing."

"Another brick?"

"Sorta. See before I heard about this project, I was was looking for ideas of how to use my bricks and while scouring the internet, I became fascinated with old masonry arches. Some were just really beautiful and ornate, others more functional; but what intrigued me most was how resilient they were. Sometimes while buildings and cities fell to shambles all around them, these flimsy looking archways would remain standing among the ruins. Do you know why?"

"Ummm, no."

Kate reached down into her bag and pulled out a wedge shaped brick and handed it to Rick.

"Because of a well-made, well-placed keystone. This little piece of rock or clay is one of the most important pieces in all of architecture. It's the last piece placed when building an archway and once settled into the apex of the structure, it locks all the other pieces into place, making it extremely strong."

When she handed him the keystone, their fingers caressed each other lightly.

"I want to give you this keystone, because we've torn down walls and laid foundations, but more importantly, we've built a gateway to a future together. One that I believe will remain standing strong no matter what comes at us."

Rick was no longer able to hide his emotion.

"I'm speechless."

She smirked. "First time for everything I guess."

"I can't wait to see what our future holds. I think it's going to be extraordinary."

"I do too, Rick. I honestly do."

"I love you so much Kate Beckett."

"Not as much as I love you."

The kiss they shared in the park that early Monday morning was full of promise, commitment and hope. No one knew better than they, that life was rarely easy, but with a loving partner at their side, they could overcome it all.

Not the end... Only The Beginning

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**X**

**A/N: Well that's it! I really really really hope you enjoyed the story. From the feedback you've given me over the last four or so months, I think you have. This has not been the easiest story to write, but I think, well worth the time and energy put in it. I'm pretty proud of the finished product.**

**I want to thank my good friend and Beta, Teelduo. I know you hate getting pointed out, but you've worked so hard along side me. This is our baby! LOL. Thank you for all your time and encouragement, for being my sounding board, and my butt-kicker. Thanks for making the chapter cover art and playing publicist online, but thank you most for being a wonderful friend. **

**Also while mentioning Teelduo, when editing for me, she went off and got all creative on me, and made a beautiful banner featuring the poem I wrote for this chapter. I've tried several times now to get a link on here, but it won't let me, so please check it out on my Twitter, Tumblr or if you're at the 12th, I'm sure it will be added to the Brickwork thread. She did a great job!**

**Thank you also to all my new friends this story has brought me. From California to the Netherlands, and several stops a long the way, and also the lovely people at the 12th! You guys are all great and I'm glad I've "met" you. You're the best.**

**And last but certainly not least... thanks to each and every one of you who've chosen to read what I offer and who've stayed with me through this long story. Thank you for the encouragement through reviews, PMs, tweets, Tumblr reposts, emails, fanfic threads, likes and alerts. It may not seem like you're doing much when you do one of these things, but I think I can speak for most writers when I say, every single ounce of encouragement helps during those times when you're pounding your face on the keyboard, wanting to to scrap the whole project. And you all have been marvelous at building me up when I feel down. Thank you! You are the reason I write, and that my friends, is the best reason of all!**

**Until next time (yes I'm already mentally plotting out a new story... I'm hoping to have something started again by mid April), take care and have fun! I'll see you soon!**

**DeBo81**


End file.
